This is 35.

Because right now I ache. For no real particular reason except my heart still wants what it wants. And I'll never understand why or how he can manipulate and get our hopes up. Then take off again like nothing mattered. The boys didn't even matter enough. Because the only happiness he cares about is himself.

Maybe it's because I'm staring at a Christmas tree. Knowing that Thanksgiving is a few weeks away. The two most family oriented holidays and we don't have any family but each other. And I still haven't found a way for us to have a turkey dinner.

I just don't know anymore.

Here's a spotfund me I made. I just want a better place for us and I need some help.

That's an understatement. I'm beyond lost.

Everything always gets turned upside down. Just when I think I have the puzzle put together someone comes along and rearranges the pieces.

What do I do. Where do I go. Who am I. Why does everything hurt.

I just want the best. For everyone. And I want my family back. I want a "normal" life back. And I care. I care so deeply about people. People I shouldn't care about. People that don't care about me.

Which I might add is nearly everyone. Because I'm always there but who's there for me?

Long story. Semi short. Spent roughly a week "talking" again. Because surprise they fought again and she called the cops AGAIN. No charges this time. Still. He claims he's done. We talk. She comes running back (after she moves out and shut off the electricity) so not literally but basically don't leave me blah blah. With added drama of her being seen with her ex husband and pictures posted of them together. Yeah it's a mess.

But even tho he should be done he still has feelings so it's hard and blah blah blah. And now I don't know what's going on because she suddenly wants him back again. Even tho we know they'll fight again. And end up in the same place AGAIN.

And now I'm blocked again. Ha. Fuck my life.

I'm just insanely busy. As in working 50 plus hours a week. Overtime was approved for the entire month of October in prep for some big visit.

This is my chance. My chance to stack the hours and hopefully have enough to move. Like keys in hand that day. It's all I want. Before Thanksgiving because we would like Turkey.

Yeah something so basic but slumlords that interact with your ex. Fingers crossed I can pull this off. Plus the oldest turns 10 Tuesday and next month my baby turns 3. Then Christmas so overtime came at the best time.

In the words of Stained "its been a while...."

And clearly I still look like I've seen better days. But honestly I don't even think I know what "better days" were. Not everything was terrible but it definitely wasn't the best either.

I don't even know where to begin with an update.

Except now there is a status hearing for the divorce and the judge is aware of the domestic charge so mediation doesn't really seem possible.

Of course since then he manipulated not only me but the boys and mom into believing that once his warrant was over we'd try to fix shit because he broke down and claimed he hated his life. But he actually fooled us hardcore.

As of now he's no longer on the run. The warrant was removed. He manipulated that situation to his advantage too and now he's back to being a complete dick. Turning everything around on me. claiming he's going to take the boys away.

The advocate I called to try to get a protective order basically said since the charge isn't against me to mind my own business, in cases like mine usually someone (me) ends up dead because a piece of paper isn't going to make someone behave. Then basically said I look bad because I waited this long well duh I'm fucking scared and with the warrant I figured I'd he got mean a cop call would get him away and I'd be safe.

And yes I know I said I would have tried to work things out. Which is ignorant on my part. But things are hard and no one will help me. He may be awful but he's some sort of help.

I'm at a loss. I really need to find a better place but j can't afford the up front fees and literally no one will help. And my credit isn't great enough for a loan.

I just want something before Thanksgiving so we can have turkey this year. The oven doesn't work and hasnt and slum lord's won't fix anything.

I just want the best for us. Why is everything so unfair? Why can't someone help me?

I've reached out to everyone. Every resource possible. There is no one that can help this struggling single mama.

I have to do the hardest thing ever and admit that I'm not a good mama. And they deserve better. The landlord won't let us stay here because of the kids. I keep missing work over the kids.

The ex has a warrant he's dodging and the police won't do anything. Clearly I'm in the wrong here and clearly they need to go back to him.

He has the things I don't have. The things he took from me and the things NO ONE will help me with.

The furchild. Patches.

Rainy days and Mondays. Also sick day. Perfect for cuddles with this big ball of warmth.

But time to start researching my pre resources that may help us. I absolutely have to find a better apartment that doesn't involved people watching my every move and reporting it back to my narcissistic abusive ex. Just because you don't like children doesn't give you the right to try to have us removed. Given you know the situation and it's not one for any child to be around. You'd rather put them in harm's way then put up with a little noise. Maybe instead of watching our every move and complaining to my ex, maybe you should get a job and a life.

And to be fair my life is a little more messy than your average soap opera. Or reality drama. I can't even make up the things that are my life.

But here I go again on my own. (Unintentional white snake quote)

The time stamp is now incorrect and honestly I'm horrified at the current time. After midnight. I need to be up by 6:45 at the latest to get the boys ready for school. Even tho I highly doubt they go. Spence has a cough and Way wants to see mamaw if she gets to come home from the hospital.

Because again in typical life can't give me a break fashion mom got rather sick on Friday..and I ended up getting her another Lyft to the ER because you know it's cheaper than an ambulance.

The school ends up calling that same mornings because Spence broke down crying that his mamaw was going to die. Which led do me speaking to the school counselor about the divorce situation and domestic warrant.

Of course then I get a call from the kids sperm donor. Wanting the boys but I said nope due to the active warrant and toxic situation in general he's got himself into. Conversation wasn't too terrible and I even told him several times when they'd be off the bus so he could call the and he didn't.

Supposedly he's got his old job back and them on his side. She's doing to drop it and he's going to fight it because they didn't serve him right. He plans to dodge it until he gets his first pay check, turn himself in and get it dropped. Sadly he probably will too. He'll continue to get away with the awful shit he's done to me and then he'll come and rip the boys frome again. Until they become too much of course.

The neighbors and landlord are on their spy for the ex bullshit too. And because the place is a dump and sometimes water leaks and because we live up stairs and it's impossible to keep 3 kids silent at all times they want to call him and tell him he needs to come get his kids. Even tho they know the situation too. So there's that anxiety. Every sound we cost me the boys.

And so now I'm on a mission to move but it's hard because I can't afford it on my own. And I have literally no one. Oh and meanwhile I'm missing well again to deal with things beyond my control and could possibly lose my job.

I added a tip feature.

Not sure what good it will do but a single mama is struggling. I need to find a better apartment for the boys and I soon. I cannot let them be forced to go back to their father with the warrant for domestic violence because my landlord and neighbors are awful people. Slumlords and druggies.

I'm just a mama trying so hard to give her boys the world and the world keeps being so unkind to us.

Sometimes you just need complete silence.

Look like shit. Feel like shit.

Also sometimes I attempt to post and it doesn't work after I've written a goddamn book. But it doesn't save any of it. And so I get mad and don't post for a few days, weeks, months. Whatever.

Long overdue UPDATE for anyone actually following this shit.

- I got em back. The idiot ex obviously realized that without a job it's kind of hard to take care of three children. Plus SHE doesn't really like them around.

- We've made it to open house, almost two full weeks of school and just had a vaccination appointment today to get caught up on their shots.

- Still not entire sure what to believe with the he said/she said drama with the neighbors. Really wish we could find a better place..

Things are going....

Financially is it hard being a single mama that makes too much apparently for assistance. Whatever.

I keep on keepin on tho because they're worth it. And I've only had them on my own since June and I've done a hella of a lot more for these boys then he even tried in a full year.

And I'm not stopping. We have a check up scheduled soon and Spence is running for student council. Just gotta stack cash. Or find a sugar daddy. Ha.

But hey if your reading this and you wanna support a single mama I do have a PayPal account.

Time for bed. Open in the morning. And need a bath in the morning. Fun fact the tub leaks down into the neighbors apartment. Oh and it's just a tub. The shower is non operational at all.

Another wall-o-text ahead.

Somehow I managed to sleep in. Maybe because I'm unconscious and ignorance is bliss. But I also waited until I saw the neighbor lady out with her dog before confronting her about yesterday.

Apparently the ex began with texting her asking her to basically spy on me and report back to him so he can make something happen and get them back. But then he began to blow up her phone like he tends to do to people reminding her every 5 minutes to spy on me/us. She only replied once then called him and basically told him that he's no better and should probably stop. And her only issue was the noise and that the boys lack discipline.

She ended up having to go to the landlord which is also his landlord. And she agrees the boys shouldn't be here and technically I'm not even on the lease basically hinting that she can kick me and the kids out which would be default put them back with him.

While at work I guess the neighbor below us, the one that stood outside talking with the ex and the psycho girlfriend, the one that gave my ex her phone number. Apparently he has been texting her but she's not replying, and she has something important to talk to me about that must involve those texts. She also said not to contact the ex. I still have no idea what's going on. I spent the last 3-4 hours at work freaking out. Scared.

There is no telling what he's up to. Or they're up to. I don't trust anyone and I know that the neighbors can't really stand the boys being here. Because no matter what the floor/ceiling is thin and they head the boys, plus the bathtub leaking down. Not to mention our Landlord saying the kids don't belong here. I can only assume it's something to keep them from me again. Ugh. I wish I knew

But I also don't. I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of living in fear of what he'll do to me or the majority of my things he still has. I don't think I can fight anymore. And maybe it's in best interest for the boys. I couldn't save and find a better apartment fast enough or a vehicle at least. Not in time anyway because now I'm sure I'm about to lose them for good.

Off tomorrow. Well today. Really wish I wasn't. I kind of just want to feel safe and I do there. Just need to get back to Sunday. Then work work work.

Apparently there's a street festival in their town that he's kind of helping with aka under table pay because he still hasn't gotten any work AND no one is going to hire him with a pending felony on his record. Obviously I do not want them to go and definitely not still Sunday. That's too long. And I worry but what can I do? He gets mean and threatening if I fight him about it. And of course she was in the background so again I'm not dumb they're back together and they're both fucking stupid. And I don't trust that they won't fight again in front of my children.

At one point today in a panic I filed for a protective order online. Before it got any kind of response mom kind of flipped said it would cause a war because the ex is a nice guy remember. And yeah she's right but by now I would assume people are seeing thru all of the bullshit. But she's mostly right about how he would react.

I also contacted the local victims advocate to see about help in getting a protective order but there was never a call back. And now I don't know what to do especially since I had to let them go and they're in his care now. Until Sunday at least...

But as they were leaving the neighbors decided to have a chat with the ex and his girlfriend for like 15 minutes it seemed. And I instantly panicked. I know they don't like the boys here because we live above them and sometimes the boys are loud. And sometimes the bathtub leaks down to their apartment because they play in the tub. And I know mom gets mad and yells sometimes but she's old. So I assume the worst. And I panic.

Then finally I walked out there and yelled IS THERE A PROBLEM and he was quick to want to leave and said no there wasn't. The neighbors claim it was them telling the boys they have internet again. I'm not sure what I believe. But she was definitely on something and I'm definitely still on edge.

I cannot lose them. I cannot have my neighbors ruin this for us. Yeah it's not the ideal life right now but we'll get there. Eventually. But I can't even get food stamps because I make too much. Which is bullshit because I don't. And I have 3 boys.

Random selfie before work the other day.

I promise I'm not sitting weird. And that barcode isn't a wrapper or trash, it's my ACO "key" at work.

Work work work. I feel like that's all I do. Between the transportation and work. Time consumed.

But for the most part the boys are ready for school. Minus a few more outfits. Getting their birth certificates from their father. (Which will be the real task at hand) and their vax/shot records.

Speaking of their father I haven't heard from him since last Thursday I think. Unfortunately that means I'll probably hear from him soon and he will probably want the boys and it scares me.

And speaking of their father. Yesterday would have been our 7 year wedding anniversary. I didn't she'd a single tear but I'd be lying if I said my heart wasn't broken still. Because part of me still misses the good times and the memories we had.

But that's over. And there's no going back. As much as I'd love to hurt delete on the past year and just go back like nothing happened. I couldn't. There's too much hurt and pain there. How could you do that to me? After 10 fucking years just throw me away and forget I even existed. Forget all the good memories, forget all the things we gone thru together. Forget that you said till death. God it makes me want to scream. I fucking loved you and you broke me. And I meant nothing. Everything we lived the past 10 years meant nothing. Our children meant nothing. Laying there looking up at you not once but twice nearly dying after childbirth and feeling okay because you were there. Holding our very premature newborn in our arms as he passes away but because you were with me I knew it would we'd get thru this together. We'd still have each other. And we were the only ones that knew this little boy. We had that bond too. We felt him kick. And then we watched as he took his last breath.

And fuck even when we took Bean to be put down. I felt somewhat relieved that I had you because you loved that damn cat just as much as I did.

Like why man? Why? Why was I not good enough?

As of Thursday/Friday we are officially registered for school! And today we began school clothes shopping. Which was a task because Target is not the place for someone with anxiety. Especially on a Saturday at the end of July.

Not to mention it's been a hot minute since I've been there so I didn't know where shit was.

Overall despite being overwhelming they did get a couple outfits and shoes which they badly needed. Even Chase because he had to have the Paw Patrol shoes. And I found him an adorable Metallica shit.

11 days! I've got this. I think..

Late night selfie. Mostly to break up the text only posts and because felt cute, might delete later?

Survived another night closing without locking someone in the store. Only issue was the crazy woman accusing me of signing for her package and stealing her iphone. (UPS Access point) The only package I signed for were store supplies. She ends up crying to me that her phone was stolen so she ordered a new one and lost $2000 in a week. This all happened while she was in overseas. At this point I'm just like wow. You clearly have that to spend and here I don't even make that in one biweekly paycheck. In the end I agreed to tell Apple that her phone was not there at the store. But before she makes the call she just takes off out the door to never be seen again.

I don't get it.

Off tomorrow tho. And fuck ton errands to run. In the mix of the chaos in typical mom fashion she NEEDS a haircut. And since it's near the mall where my contacts are I figured we'd ride along too so I can finally pick those up. Since my insurance paid for them. Again something silly and minor yet huge to me. My insurance paid for it. I finally have solid legit health insurance.

Then she has to pay rent for this dump. Because unfortunately the apartment hunt isn't going well at all. Not to mention I don't have the money needed to move right now.

I need to make some phone calls. And order groceries. Then go thru these dreaded bags of clothes and maybe the tote.