born Yesterday

“where’s the Troy Barrett casting announcement?” “when are they saying who’s playing Harris Drover?” Okay well Jacob Tierney is obviously waiting for them to wrap up their last shifts at the Niagara Falls Rainforest Cafe and Canada’s Wonderland respectively before making the announcement

if i was a soccer player i'd simply kick that ball in the goal instead of wasting everyone's time

*dirty talking* you’ve been a very bad boy and im just going to straight up kill you now

[doesn't understand jacking off] and I'm supposed to... touch my penis? [shaking my head and smiling, murmuring to myself] touching my own penis... [chuckles] what will they come up with next

Keep salting the wound I'm close

I like when you click a link and it turns purple its like youre bruising it

Did I ever talk abt the time i was at a bdsm club and one of the pups was on all fours and barking and being cute and the dom on scene was like “hi puppy! Do you do any tricks?” And he said “I can beatbox!”

I was like. Doubled over incapacitated laughing the entire time. He was really good and a big sweetheart and I felt kinda bad but I couldn’t stop thinking “why the am I getting the beatboxing puppy unskippable cutscene at the bdsm club”

baseball players in the 20s were all named shit like Dipsy Doodle and Crunch Johnson

#they named them like cats in a shelter