Yoshira🌷

Like, how do you watch your own daughter get hurt by someone she trusted and just not care? Not react? Not even flinch? How do you still treat that person like family like nothing happened?

What about me?

I keep replaying everything in my head and it makes me feel sick. And what makes it worse is realizing that the person who’s supposed to protect me the most is just choosing to look away. Like my pain is inconvenient. Like it’s easier to ignore me than to face what actually happened.

It’s so messed up. I don’t even have the energy to be angry properly anymore. I just feel empty and heavy at the same time.

All i want to do is cry but even that feels exhausting.

I feel so alone in this.

And the worst part? Sometimes I feel this urge to actually do something about it. Like make sure that person finally pays for what he did. Because how is it fair that he just get to exist like nothing happened while I’m stuck carrying all of this?

I'm not even scared of what could happen after. I think i’ve already felt worse than that. It’s more like I don’t even know where to start. What do you even do with this kind of anger? Where do you even put it?

There are moments where I just want to settle something bad, just so he feel even a fraction of what he did to me.

Hi, Everyone (⁠◡⁠ ⁠ω⁠ ⁠◡⁠)/!

I woke up super early today, like for no good reason, but I ended up playing with my boyfriend right away. We were both playing while working at the same time, which honestly sounds unproductive but we still got things done somehow. It was actually really fun. I enjoyed it a lot. I didn’t feel anxious for once, which is surprising because of everything going on with my body right now.

I’ve been bleeding really badly again, like to the point where I’m already thinking if I might get anemic. But while I was playing with him, I didn’t think about it too much. It felt nice to just be distracted and feel normal for a bit.

But yeah, aside from that, I still feel really down these past few days. It’s not about my relationship or anything. It’s just me. I don’t even know why, but I feel like I’ve failed myself somehow. I just feel really low and I can’t explain it properly.

Also, I’ve been feeling so ugly lately and it’s actually making me mad. Like I look at myself and get annoyed for no reason. I don’t know where that’s coming from but it’s been bothering me a lot.

I also keep thinking that I’m not being productive enough, even though I did work today. My brain just won’t accept it for some reason.

Food today was also questionable. I ate a lot of spicy food and still drank coffee, which is probably not a good idea considering everything. Then during lunch, I ate fried chicken and suddenly felt like I swallowed a bone again. That gave me instant anxiety. Now my brain is telling me that the bone probably punctured something inside me, and that’s why I’m seeing blood when I poop (well, I'm on my period.) I know I’m just overthinking again.

My cousin also wanted to have a movie marathon with me tonight, but I had to say no. I just feel too tired, and my stomach has been hurting so bad. It’s like I unlocked a deadly combo today. PERIOD + DIARRHEA. I don’t have the energy for anything anymore.

I just feel really tired overall. Physically and mentally.

Anyway, it is what it is.

Goodnight ✨!

Hey, Everyone (⁠╥⁠﹏⁠╥⁠)!

Today felt really off. I’ve been anxious the whole day because of my heavy bleeding. It’s not like I’m soaking a pad every hour, but still, I have to change every 3–4 hours and it makes me uncomfortable. I can’t even sit properly or move around too much because I feel like the blood will just gush out. It’s stressful and honestly draining.

Because of that, I didn’t get to do anything productive at all. I just stayed around, feeling bored and restless. I tried watching Death Whisperer 2 just to distract myself, but it ended up confusing me. I even fell asleep in the middle of it, and when I woke up, the movie was almost finished already. The only thing I clearly saw was the protagonist punching the ghost, which was kind of funny and random.

I also felt bad because I accidentally called my boyfriend by the nicknames we used to call each other before. It just slipped out. I didn’t mean anything by it, but like what he said, it happens. Still, I can’t help but feel a little guilty.

What made me feel worse is that I couldn’t play with him today. I told him yesterday that we would play, but I really couldn’t sit for that long because of my condition. I miss spending time with him, even if it’s just playing games together.

Earlier, my cousin Harvey was here too. He just stayed in the living room and slept, but before that he was complaining about how messy our ancestral house is. He said he’s already tired of dealing with my uncle’s mess, which I kind of understand.

Overall, today was just uncomfortable and unproductive. I really hope I feel better soon. I just want to go back to normal and do things again, especially play with my boyfriend 😭.

By the way, I might miss putting some dividers since I'm only using my phone to write.

That's all for today! I might sleep early tonight. I feel so bored 🥲.

Hi, Everyone (◞‸◟,).

Today felt really off. I felt heavy the entire day and I couldn’t shake it. This morning started okay. My cousin was about to play Sons of the Forest since he bought it on sale. I told him to try custom mode, but by chance, he unknowingly joined my boyfriend’s server. That’s when everything started to feel weird. I thought my boyfriend was working, but when I checked, his name showed he was in the game. And not just that, he was there with a girl.

I didn’t want to overthink. I really tried not to. But what bothered me the most was that he didn’t tell me. Like, why? It made my mind spiral even if I didn’t want it to. It reminded me of my past relationship, where I was constantly lied to. That feeling came back, and I hated it 😭.

I was really struggling with my own thoughts today. It felt like I was losing my mind. My head was so loud and I didn’t know how to calm it down. I got so frustrated with myself that I even hit my head multiple times because I was so pissed.

I spent most of the day fighting my own thoughts. It kept pushing me to think the worst and to do something hurtful, but I didn’t. I held myself back. I think it’s because I love him so much, and deep inside I know he would never intentionally hurt me 😔.

He explained his side and said sorry. He told me he opened the game while working but wasn’t actually playing, just AFK, and then the girl joined. I do believe him. I know he’s a good and genuine person. It’s just hard because my brain doesn’t always cooperate with what I know is true.

I felt so drained today. Mentally, emotionally, and physically tired. And to make things worse, I opened Facebook and saw certain people being rewarded even though they’re fake. That really ruined my mood even more.

Then my body started hurting, and my stomach suddenly ached. When I went to the bathroom, I noticed I was bleeding again. I think it’s my endometriosis acting up. That probably explains the body pain I’ve been feeling all day. I also realized I haven’t eaten anything except one piece of takoyaki.

Despite everything, I’m thankful that we were able to make up. I’m here, trying and doing my best to let go of what happened and not let it ruin us.

~ Sam 🌷

Hi, Everyone (๑ > ᴗ < ๑)/!

Today was supposed to be a productive day because I had work to do this morning. My Fil-Am cousin and my aunt were going to Butuan City around noon time to buy some important stuff, so I really have to finish everything this morning.

But instead, I ended up playing Sons of the Forest with my boyfriend 😭!

I honestly didn’t expect it to take that long, but we had so much fun. I was actually doing a lot in the game, so in my head I felt productive, just not in real life, lol Meanwhile, my actual work was completely ignored. Not my best moment, but at least I was happy.

Around 12 noon, I had to stop because I needed to go with them to Butuan. I didn’t even shower and just went in my pajamas. I really chose comfort over everything today.

The trip was not fun at all. I felt nauseous the whole time and just wanted to sleep, but my step-brother kept calling me for no reason. I didn’t answer him because I’m still mad at him anyway.

When we got to Butuan, we ate at Shakey’s Pizza, and yeah… carbs again. So now I’m back to Day 1 of my KETO + OMAD diet. Honestly, it’s annoying because it feels like I keep restarting, and at this rate it’s going to turn into another New Year’s resolution.

We spent hours in a department store after that. I walked around a lot but didn’t want to buy anything for myself because I’m stingy like that. I did think about buying a refill for my dad’s Parker ballpen, the one he left me before he passed away, but when I saw it was around Php800 for just one, I changed my mind real quick 😂.

Instead, I went to OXGN and bought two shirts for my boyfriend. They looked really nice, so I hope he likes them. I also bought two cute shoes for my baby and got colored pencils for myself since I need them for my portrait drawings.

For dinner, we went to Bigby’s, which is my favorite, but they didn’t have Shrimp Gambas. That was honestly disappointing.

When we got home, I finally took a shower. I was planning to play again, but I suddenly felt too lazy. I also felt a bit off when my boyfriend said he wanted to sleep early again since he’s not usually like that. But I appreciated that he stayed up for me and reassured me.

I think part of me still overthinks because of my past relationship, especially since it was also long distance. But tonight, I felt okay.

Even though I missed work, felt sick, and messed up my diet, I still ended the day feeling calm and happy.

Goodnight ⸜(｡˃ ᵕ ˂ )⸝♡!

~ Sam 🌷