Kali Self-Para: A Hard Goodbye
“Shhh, KJ, be quiet. You’re gonna wake up the others.” The low whisper could barely be heard in the small apartment as the young woman held the young child in her arms. She sneakily tip-toed around the small bedroom, making sure to watch out for the splayed clothes out on the floor. For almost a year now, she’d been living with a couple of her former classmates after the attacks in the Blue District occurred. At first, she refused to agree to live with them; the idea of being a charity case was too much for her pride. But she had a then-infant to take care of, and it was either that or continue to struggle on the streets. So she agreed to stay, much to her chagrin.
Things weren’t as bad as the young woman’d originally thought once she moved in. In fact, she quite enjoyed living there for a while. Maybe it was because being there made her feelings of loneliness slowly dissipate, or because there was finally some support for little KJ, something that she struggled with on her own. So what made her suddenly decide, in the middle of the night, to quickly and quietly pack the few things she and the child owned?
Fear. The fear of being a burden. It was always stuck in the back of her mind, even during the good times she shared with her roommates. She knew it was okay to ask for help, that the people who she’d began to see as friends were offering assistance because they wanted to, but she couldn’t shake that stubborn pride of hers. Soon enough the thought of being there, of taking up so much time and space, started to bother her to no end. It was finally time to leave.
After the brunette slung her overstuffed bag over her shoulders, she carefully closed the bedroom door, making sure its hinges were as silent as possible. She then stepped quickly up to the apartment door, but stopped herself before she could grab the doorknob.
A large pit started forming in her chest, her breath rattling like the baby toy she’d stolen for KJ a while ago. “Just do it,” she whispered to herself. “Don’t pussy out now.” The last thing she needed was a sudden feeling of resignation. The longer she stayed her, the long she’d be burdening everyone else. As much as it hurt her to leave, she had to regain some independence.
“M-ma ma,” the little child murmured in her arms. She then looked down at the boy, his wide, wood brown eyes staring up at her.
“I thought I told you to call me Kali, okay? Kah-Lee.” The boy was almost one. She basically was his mother now, ever since she found him in that dumpster less than a year ago. But she kept telling herself one day she’d find his real parents, or someone more qualified to be a good parent to him. Until then, she wouldn’t get attached as much as she could. That included him not calling her ‘mama’.
Kali closed her eyes and took a deep breath, letting the air fill her lungs until it almost hurt, before releasing it all. She then brought her free hand up and opened the front door. There was no turning back now. The sooner she and KJ left the better. And better to not say goodbye than to have them all try to make her stay. What’s worse is she might’ve if they did. She walked through the door and turned around, looking back on the life that she’d started growing accustomed to, before closing it behind her.
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