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DEAR READER
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@butchsquatter
There's a genocide going on in Palestina and the world is watching.
Why does it seem like a lot of people don't realize that it's perfectly possible to be against colonialism, condemn massacres and violent fundamentalist organisations, and be against anti-semitism? These things should go hand in hand, all systems of oppression should be fought against. Stop equating anti-zionism to anti-semitism.
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my pronouns are whatever will get me out of this situation
Havenāt been on tumblr in ages, work in a hospital now, educate healthcare professionals about gender nonconformity and gender diversity and Iām still convinced gender is a shitty social construct that makes life more complicated. I notice Iām less often seen as male, which I feel good about.
Also, I barely dare to use the word ādetransitionerā for myself irl, as it seems like thereās more and more backlash. But thereās quite some people with doubts regarding gender/transitioning reaching out to me; itās nice to talk about it.
ppl on here think that being detrans means that i "thought i was trans but realized i'm actually cis", but that's not true at all. by trans people's standards i would still be considered trans. my feelings about myself have mostly not changed at all since detransitioning, but my outlook on those feelings have changed. i still talk with my friends about how i feel about gender/sex-roles/etc, and they say it sounds like i'm trans. i didn't just "think i like boy things, then realized i actually do like girl things", i stopped believing in girl things and boy things
stretch
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I am so done with gender. Glad I care less about it for myself now.
Iāve got covid and Iāve already been quarantaining more than not this year. I was supposed to get out of isolation today, but yesterday I suddenly started getting a runny nose again and sneezing a lot. So thatās postponed. :( I am really glad I didnāt get very sick, but I am just quite frustrated at the moment from spending all these weeks in my room (while literally watching people go to bars and restaurants from my window). Plus the attempt at working from home was terrible due to the bad internet connection. I better be super-immune now. </rant>
It seems like, after more than a year of laser hair removal, magic is happening: multiple people at work referred to me with āsheā without me telling or explaining anything. And many others are trying to use neutral pronouns (which I think is quite chill).
I mean, of course thereās still folks that think Iām a 17-year old guy, but hey. This is quite an improvement.
I didnāt shave my face for a week (for the first time in years) and I donāt really have visible beard growth. Itās amazing. I am so glad I started having my facial hair lasered.
My colleagues use all kinds of pronouns for me, but mostly neutral and also feminine. I didnāt explain anything about myĀ āgenderā during my introduction, as I was still testing the waters. It is amazing to be in such an open/accepting environment and I feel very lucky. Hopefully this will also have a positive influence on the patients at the place where I work.
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Iāve finally had a proper talk with my dad (who I hadnāt seen in a long time) about gender and my identity. It was good; I am so lucky that heās supportive. Although it was a bit funny/surprising that he asked me if I might turn out to be intersex after all... as he thoughtĀ āintersexā means someone who doesnāt identify with the binary boxes of man/woman. Fun fact: heās a medical doctor. I am now fully convinced of the importance of explaining other MDās about LGBTI healthcare.
Starting my first āseriousā job this week. As in, the first job that Iāve studied for. Iām excited and anxious at the same time.
Informed consent
Before I got testosterone prescribed by an endocrinologist, I had to sign informed consent. The problem is, that itĀ seems to be quite impossible to fully understand what youāre consenting to. And no one was able to explain me all of it. I fully understood the physical consequences that I could expect, that were known. I knew about the facial hair, body hair, balding patterns, libido, oily skin, muscle mass, probably becoming infertile, fat distribution, acne, clitoral growth, change of body odor, etc. I had researched it all, for years. I also understood that the hormones wouldnāt exactly change my personality, but that they could change the way I felt things and how Iād react. I understood it could become harder for me to cry, that I might get angry easier and that emotions and events could affect me less or more intensely. What I didnāt realize, is that one day, I might actually meet women that are just like me (in real life!), but donāt change their bodies. And what I definitely didnāt understand was that these women and lesbians would not recognize me, but see me as a cisgender man instead. And treat me as such. No one could have explained me what this feels like. I did not understand at that time, that when I consented to being assigned to use male bathrooms forever, it didnāt just mean that I would never get angry and disgusted stares from women anymore. No one told me that in many cases, the stall is closed/non-existent/too exposed, or so dirty that I canāt sit. No one told me that if you very often donāt sit or try to pee as little and as quickly as possible, you can get some trouble with your pelvic muscles. I have problems with relaxing in any kind of situation now. No one told me that taking testosterone could make me feel even more alienated from both men and women. No one told me that straight women being attracted to me feels very different from lesbian women being attracted to me.
What I didnāt understand was that I could one day change my mind, and stop taking any kind of hormones. I also didnāt realize that Iād become sincerely afraid of the tissue of my reproductive organs being changed in some kind of way by the high levels of testosterone. In a way thatās dangerous to my health. No one could tell me that I hadnāt met the right people yet, before I could make a proper informed decision. No one reminded me that until that point, nobody had really loved me romantically exactly for the way I am. I had only been loved despite my butchness, or despite my body. And nobody told me that it is actually possible to be loved and desired the way I was, in a way that I could believe. Nobody ever told me that it wasnāt necessary to take testosterone if I wanted to get a double mastectomy. I couldnāt know that I consented to something I could actually regret. I didnāt know I consented to something that would at some point make me feel like I betrayed myself, and the girls like me. I didnāt understand what I consented to and I donāt think that that endocrinologist will ever be able to understand this. I am not against informed consent. But there has to be some kind of way to improve the information and the deeper understanding of the consequences.
In response to @notafurry2002 who said: you couldāve just said āhey keep in mind that transitioning isnāt for everyoneā bc this could scare a lot of ppl who really are trans and need this. this is why i believe itās important to explore your pronouns and identity really deeply before transitioning. also, itās very possible to justā¦ stop taking hormones. be careful with how you word things becuz someone can really take this the wrong way and use it against actual trans people, and thereās already proof of that here in the notes . i understand the message youāre trying to convey but itās just the wording that really rubs me the wrong way because it just feels like youāre saying that transitioning is really dangerous and risky. which in some ways it could be, but again you have to consider the impact your message can make on ALL people, trans or not. i started T yesterday, i am a transmasc person, and i can only imagine the amount of anxiety this can cause in someone.Ā along with that, it could imply that a lot of transmasc people are just butch lesbians. which could be the case in SOME people, but this in turn can really trigger a lot of unnecessary dysphoria and questioning in a transmasc person who genuinely will thrive on testosterone. it basically can cause internalized transphobia because thereās a stigma that transmasc people are really just tomboys and butch lesbians, which is just awful but it exists.Ā again, i understand the message you really are trying to convey and in some aspects it definitely is something to think about, but i feel like the choice of wording can just do a lot more harm than good. i feel like the message someone should get out of this is to encourage exploring all identities and pronouns before fully transitioning, but it looks like the moral of the story is ātestosterone bad and will make everyone hate you and you will use nasty bathrooms. ur probably a butch/tomboyāĀ
With the original post, I was trying to explain that there are people (like me) that thought they were really trans, for years (!), who have explored various identities and pronouns before āmedically transitioningā, only to found out transitioning wasnāt for them after all. I know this is scary; Iāve lived through this.
I think itās not good to avoid sharing stories like mine because āit might make some trans people anxious to think about itā. In contrary, from my point of view itās important to share all kinds of different experiences, so that others are more likely to figure out what would be the best options for them & what they could do or think about before choosing a certain path (or feeling like they should stick to the path theyāve chosen).
Furthermore, I definitely donāt and wonāt imply that transmasculine people are butch lesbians. There is overlap in some cases, but generally these are two distinct things.
So, the moral of the story: hormone treatment (or surgery) can be both bad and/or good; therefore please be aware of all the consequences, not just the medical effects. Try to find out how your own perspective or your environment influences your conceptions on (aspects of) transitioning and gender, and why you wish to pursue certain treatments.Ā
Please donāt censor out negative experiences. We all need to read about the full spectrum to be able to make better-informed choices.
Iām an MD now and I just got vaccinated. I feel relieved.
Just this one cop being convicted for murder. What about all those other cops that took black peopleās lives? And even if that would (magically) happen, thereās still no justice. The whole system is deeply racist, both in and outside of the US. Thatās why such atrocities keep on happening. We as white people need to speak up way more and whenever possible get involved in more direct action. This is a must. And a reminder to myself.
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As gender is a social construct, I donāt believe someone is born with an āinnate gender identityā. However, we might try to figure out where we feel like we 'belong' the most and who we can relate to. Combining this with the struggles we've endured and which aspects we identify with, will result in some sort of feeling, that someĀ might interpret or see as 'gender identity'. Naturally, this is influenced by multiple factors.Therefore, it doesn't surprise me that people come up with things such as 'absorbgender', in an attempt to describe their feelings towards the concept of gender. But I don't think that coming up with more words to describe our personal relation to this social construct will help on the long term, as this results in only more boxes. And exactly those (restrictive) boxes are what made us feel out of place in the first place. What if weād get rid of the boxes? What if weād address the restrictions we feel/felt, instead?
We found my first grey hair last weekend.
