all the things running through my head

And when I realized this, I couldn't stop thinking about it:

And because you taught me "love", I never realized, it wasn't. It wasn't love what you taught me, but you wanted me to think it was. Because, even if you didn't love me, all you wanted was me. Not me as a person. But the control over me.

I lost control. I think I now myself, but I keep finding myself in situations without any idea of who I am or where I want to be. I'm tired. I'm tired of working in capitalism, I'm tired of hating my body, I'm tired of feeling the need to binge, I'm tired of breaking my own rules, but mostly, I'm tired of being tired.

And again, I feel like I'm loosing myself. No sleep, no motivation, not enough food, but all that I eat is trash. Not enough steps a day, not enough laughter, not enough happiness. Unsure, uncomfortable, not quite unhappy, but from time to time scared.

I started counting calories again, which makes me feel like I have it under control. I used to do this years ago and now it feels good, to be back. I had 1023 yesterday, which is way too much, but I try just eating vegetables and salad, which works well, because I cook for myself almost all the time. Today I had a donut, which had like 300 calories, which makes me feel like throwing up, but other than that just salad. I'll stay with vegetables for today. I also watched "To the bone", but for some reason it didn't trigger me THAT MUCH, so if you know other good movies or TV shows about eating disorders, let me know🖤

And here we go again. It's been awhile, since I scrolled through Tumblr, looking at Thinspo. I gained 4 kilos and I haven't been this fat since 4 years... I need my body back. I need the discipline.

Everytime

I'm tired

"Have you ever been so disappointed, you could physically feel, how your lungs were pressed together and a part of you was dying?"

We ended quietly