Hello.

I legit do not even know where to start. I have been gone for 3 years now. So have you.

I’m not sure why I have these feelings going on, maybe its the depression. Maybe its my relationship falling apart. Maybe its my dad and family dying/falling apart.

It’s been falling apart for years. You were there for most of it, thanks for that.

I miss you. Guess I’ll start there.

I don’t know why, I mean I’ve always missed you but this is a weird feeling. It’s like I miss the heat, the cold, the mornings and nights. I miss the cigarette smell in the car. I remember when we would have a day off together and we would either sit and just be together while missing out on the world, or we would go out and do something new. I liked the trail walk at your old college the most.

I remember when I met you in Chicago, (close your eyes and try to remember if you forgot), I remember driving my Jeep past the stores here, all the way to the train station. I had your songs on repeat. I had the playlist on repeat. I repeat the day in my head a lot. I don’t think you understand the happiness I felt that day.

I went on the train, and my heart was just screaming, jumping, stopping and going. I couldn’t control anything, especially the nerves. My whole life I was the ugly duck. Weird teeth, bad smile, loner, bad dad, and the one who didn’t have money for nice clothes. (Remembering Sunday just came on). I was nervous because I thought when you’d see me, you’d despise my looks and turn away. I was ready. I wouldn’t miss the train I needed if you turned away. I had a plan. Then I got to the station and I had to pee (sorry about that), I went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. My god I hated myself, I couldn’t stand how I looked. I almost turned around. I almost left.

But I didn’t.

I couldn’t hurt you like that. We connected right off the bat. We just knew the love existed, maybe in the back of our minds, but it was there.

I remember getting to the bean and hearing you on the phone, waiting to hear you or see you or feel you. I could feel my heart just racing, in felt like a heart attack was moments away. Then the crowd just split.

You’re a horror movie fanatic, I know. But have you ever seen a romance movie when thee two protagonists are looking for each other and all of a sudden, they are right there? Breathing and smiling and stunned. The crowd just slides into two, and they’re facing one another.

The crowd split, and there you were. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t think, I couldn’t anything. All I knew is you saw me, and start walking to me. I remember when we touched, the first skin-to-skin, I had felt thousands of fireworks go off and my body felt tingly and warm. I loved you in that instant, because you stayed.

That dick interrupted us though.

But cool band.

Or whatever it was.

I was worried, it was hot. I get red when its hot out, and I don’t know why but it was always something that people picked on. I thought I’d turn red and you’d turn around.

But you didn’t.

You took my hand and brought me to your Jeep, got me your tank, then a disc. I couldn’t breathe, it was the first mix you made me. Thank you, by the way.

We walked around, saw planes, went to the museum. And even though we were sweaty and red, you still called me beautiful. You still stared and grabbed my hand like I was going to be gone in a flash. I felt warm, not from the sun, from you.

We went to Ed Debevic’s, that dude didn’t know how to do his job. But that’s okay, because we didn’t care. I mean we just broke down at a gas station and gave a homeless lady gum that she practically inhaled.

We knew we didn’t have much time left, I thought you’d leave and say goodbye forever.

But you didn’t.

We said, “Fuck it”, and I went home with you. The drive was relaxing. Stressful, but exactly what I needed. I felt all the air, I felt all the love circling around us like coffee aroma in the morning. I remember all we did was sing, smile, hold hands, and just live in the moment. Your smile was contagious, I loved it. You were my home but it was too early to feel it, I wouldn’t and couldn’t tell you.

We got back to your house, and went into your room. I think we showered, I think we had snacks, I think we felt eternal bliss.

I remember laying down with you, and just wanting to hold each other, I thought you’d turn away from my body.

But you didn’t.

Thanks for introducing me to The Office, its my favorite still.

I think it was 3 am when i finally got home. The ride went too quick. I cried, thinking it was over. I smiled because I knew it wasn’t, it was just beginning.

Then it all hit me like the damn train I took to get to you. I was on the edge of a cliff, diving into a new life, full of new adventures, new roads, new people, and new love. I wasn’t ready, but I couldn’t wait. I hit rock bottom when I left my old life behind. I went to WalMart, with pills. You remember. I don’t want to relive it.

Fast forward.

We lived at your moms, I met your family, I met your friends, I met true love.

I always loved you, maybe too much and maybe too little. I put you first, I was too overbearing and I was too distant. I just wanted to be perfect for you. I wanted to stay together forever.

I miss Minecraft, Perkins, smoking, dancing, singing, living, and most especially, i miss laughing. I men the belly laughs where we couldn’t breathe and had tears.

I don’t know where the relationship died, but I wish you would have told me when it died for you. I wish we made it work. I felt it die, I refused to let it die because if I let it die, I might too. That’s how it felt, at least to me. I don’t think you ever gave me a straight answer on why we left each other.

When I felt the relationship die, I lost it. I couldn’t work or eat or sleep or trust or love and I definitely couldn’t let go. I was so mad, sad, furious, confused, broken, and lost. I hate being lost.

I believe everything has two definitions.

Lost- having no idea what the fuck you did but you took the wrong turn, dumbass.

Lost- feeling no emotions, having zero thoughts and having a screaming sensation at the same time.

I wanted to cry and ask for help. I felt lost in a thousand different ways. I needed you.

One night you kissed me and told me you’d be in bed in a little.

You went onto PS4, and I heard it all. All the words, all the lies and heartbreak. I wanted to run as fucking fast as possible. But I was paralyzed.

Skip to the night before you left me forever... I couldn’t sleep. I thought, if I stay up all night, time will go slower and I’ll have more time to be perfect and to fix what I did wrong. I will fix this, I ruined it, I have to fix it. I promised Gage... I promised you’d stay... I promised it would be okay and you’d text your dad to turn around and that you changed your mind. That you were gonna stay with me. You promised, no matter what, Bonnie and Clyde til the end... You were gonna stay....

But you didn’t...

The last day you left...

That last fucking day..

That last day.

Your dad.

That day, sucked.

We cried. I wanted to lock the doors and hide. I wanted to run away. I wanted to show you how sorry I was for not being perfect and pretty. I hated you so much. I wanted to scream and fight. I wanted to break down to dust, and blow away.

Then we hugged.. I’m typing with tears in my eyes.

We hugged. I couldn’t breathe. Chicago. Chicago.

Chicago, when I opened my eyes we would be in Chicago and it was the first time. It was a nightmare and we were back in Chicago..

We went in our apartment. I guess mine. I don’t know.

The door shut, and I lost it. I begged God (who I don’t believe in, but dammit I needed Him in that moment), I begged Him to stop you. I begged him I could and would be better. I couldn’t even walk to the windows. You know, the windows when I’d blow a kiss and a wave goodbye when you went to work. I stood there, tears streaming. I couldn’t grasp it. My heart went into the red truck. You looked back, and I wish you didn’t. I wish you turned around and ran to me and say you’re sorry and that you cant go. That you’d be here and it’d be okay.

It wasn’t.

My safe haven went inside a red truck and left. It went to Kentucky, far away.

I remember I crashed to the floor, screaming in pain, bawling, torn, begging for help, I couldn’t breathe. The louder I screamed, the further you went.

I was there forever. I didn’t bother calling work. I didn’t eat. I didn’t shower. I didn’t do anything but take Jasper outside, sleep, cry and beg someone to bring you home.

That’s when Tyler came along. I didn’t even think of him as your friend. He came and held me while I cried, he brought me food and forced me to eat, he got dog food when I ran low, he was there. I slept with the door locked, blinds closed, on a mattress on the ground. He slept on the couch and I laid on the mattress. I couldn’t sleep. I hated everyone. I almost lost my job. I almost just walked away from it all. Tyler tried to help me. I have to give him credit. I was doing drugs with people I didn’t know, I was at a new job where I helped sell from the back, I wasn’t me. I was gone. I was a different Brooke, a broken one.

I honestly thought if I was with Tyler, you’d come home. I hated him. I didn’t like being around him or sleeping by him or anything. He played games I didn’t like, he wasn’t you.

Obviously it has been years. I moved home and I was gone. Hooking up, doing so much drugs, drinking and barely eating. I lost so much weight. I tried to replace you with Preston. He made me do more drugs. I hated it.

I would go to bars and restaurants and hope if I turned around, you’d be there. You’d be at the bar, just standing there smiling. I don’t know why. I guess I just wanted to really get a chance to say goodbye. I honestly wish that you’d just show up. I just wanted to be cared for again like the way you cared for me before. You were the only one to ever show that to me. I just miss someone caring about me. I wait for the day where I won’t be sad anymore. I think I just loved you so much and I didn’t get my chance to say goodbye.

I hated you for so long. I hated everything about you, Indiana, Chicago, music.. All of it. It was just terrible for me to relive.

Am I being dramatic? Probably.

Am I being annoying? Of course.

Am I too much? You bet.

Did I love too hard? Always.

Because I wanted others to never felt what I was all too familiar with since childhood.

I am sorry for whatever I did to you, to us, to our lives.

You never told me why you left, it was a vague answer. Was it guilt? Fear? No love? Whaat was it?

I’m not mad anymore. I just miss you.

I fell hard for you, I fell hard and quick. I fell in love quick, and really showed it for a while.

I am sorry if this is a bit much, trust me, I could say more, but I’ll stop. You might not ever read this. That’s okay. I still love you. I’m not sure I can stop loving you. I hate that I love you. You don’t love me, so why do I love you?

I wish you stayed. I wonder what we could’ve been.

Anyways...