brooklyn christine

Sometimes it feels like there is a tiny storm inside my chest. As if Zeus were just a baby, not knowing how to control his power, so he emits sporadic sparks that could maybe become thunder & lightning. And when he’s antsy, there’s a low and hushed rumble that must be attended to before it’s too late.

This is what my anxiety has become. After years of struggling, I now only live with a baby Zeus. But it used to be a lot worse. Like, a lot worse. Here is what changed to make things better:

leaving university after 8 years and 3 degrees

moving out of Vancouver

regular medication (after trying a few different ones)

marriage

finding food freedom & body neutrality/positivity

meditation

learning about Law of Attraction & manifestation

embracing spirituality & putting trust in the universe

cbd

living closer to family

This is a pretty big list...in length, but also in content. Now that I’m sitting here, seeing this list in front of me, I’m kind of amazed by what I’ve done. Sometimes I think that my anxiety evolution was easy becasue I “just had to leave school and the big city,” but it’s so much more than that. Some things on this list created turmoil and had a roller coaster of emotions. But maybe it was having to navigate those emotions that ultimately created peace.

I’m okay with little sparks and rumblings of thunder and lightning in my heart from time to time. Now that I notice them, they don’t have to make themselves bigger to be heard. 

Do you ever just realize that you CAN? I mean, here I am, nearly 29 years old, and ever since I was a young child, I’ve wanted to be a writer. I’ve always loved writing. So, why not just write? I think it’s because I’ve thought about writing in such a Big way. 

Well, today I was sitting outside on my patio, drinking coffee, and reading Noelle Stevenson’s memoir, The Fire Never Goes Out.... and it hit me: she started out posting things on her blog. She didn’t just sit down one day and decide to write an entire graphic novel (although I don’t doubt her ability to do so for a second). So here I am, back on a blog, writing something. I. Am. Writing. I CAN write. I can write whatever I want, whatever pops into my head. And if i don’t like it later? I can delete it. I can edit. Or I can leave it and come back another day to remind myself of how capable I am. 

I can. You can. Let this be a mantra. We are all capable of being and doing both small and large things. We have all the permission in the world. Does it not feel like you have permission to do your Thing? Let this be it. I am giving it to you.

Sometimes, we know that we can, but the problem isn’t permission- it’s getting started. I’m not sure yet how to express my confidence in your (and my) ability to start Something. Here I am, nearly 29 years old, on paragraph no. 4, and it’s because I just started. I actually don’t know how I did it to be honest. When I was met with a blank box on my screen, I figured I would write some kind of ‘introduction.’ What started out as me trying to justify my presence in such a pristine white box quickly turned into....this. After 5 quick sentences, a story began to appear. And now, here we are.