move down to me, slip into you.

when it finally appeared, it was just a stoplight. the green light on because the crossing road had closed. no one traveled that road.

i’m wondering if you ever got over hating candles. it’s not juvenile; it’s fun. i’m laughing at you smirking and swatting your way through it.

the day feels unfinished, not having reached out to say anything. making contact now feels foolish. and selfish if i’m being completely honest. you don’t deserve to suffer my loneliness anymore.

i haven’t struggled like this in awhile. the sense of loss and longing. tis the season or whatever they say. but this feels deeper, more set into who i am rather than what i feel. no wonder the sun can’t fix that.

they used to create pockets of joy: my muses. sunshine to my cloudy days. pulling from the memory bank of “they showed me affection” of which i had mistaken for love many times. stolen kisses, smiles meant only for me to find, the little squeeze of a hand. holding my breath until the next moment found it’s way to melt an ice pocket from my heart.

the sun doesn’t create the same warming effect. the promises made by the experts lied. sorry to tell you. so you’ll have to rely on the memories. the moments where human connection existed, no matter how brief.

but beware: the memories are haunting. you’ll feel false hope, false longing, false love, creating false gods. idolizing the affections as happiness, not just fleeting. it doesn’t carry you past the lavender haze as it leaves your mind. the clock doesn’t rewind. you don’t make it back to wonderland this time.

she scared me because she was honest. she knew when i wasn’t. that i couldn’t say the things out loud that she knew in her heart. i caused the pain i could sense in her spirit; i can still feel it.

we talked through screens, through digital words, and through cameras with resolutions making it a wonder i could see the colors. late nights, mid-afternoon breaks. never in the mornings as life came first, fantasy next.

her voice travels between the space of knowing better and wanting more. knowing that too much chocolate ice cream will upset my stomach, but one more bite isn’t an issue when i’ve already consumed half the cone.

i often wonder where she wanders now. if she was able to make her green reading room or if she still wears her skirts long and her hair at her shoulders.

i didn’t need saving or to be rescued. just wanted to feel a familiar presence near my body. you have a soothing energy and kind heart.

you haven’t called in years, not sure why you would’ve showed up. there’s a heaviness to that; you’re hard to move past.

there are ‘what if’ thoughts and i’m left wondering if you have them too. placing soft lips to the bottle neck and wishing for a deeper sleep.

your scent lingers in the vulnerable moments my mind forgets to forget you.