oops

if the dsm 6 doesn't adopt a dimensional model for personality disorders i'm gonna riot

I was filling out some assessments today and one of the items was something like "I have trouble coexisting with people in a mutually beneficial way." At first I was like "oh yeah I'm great at that" but then I reread it and I realized the operative statement is mutually beneficial. It either has to focus on me or them not both and I will run myself into the ground for other people. I do it all to keep them happy and in the end I leave and they are confused and sad anyway. Either way I didn't endorse the item.

I just wish I knew what I want. The restless feeling clearly comes from an unmet need, but I have tried so much and the hole is just as deep and empty as before.

hey google how to solve the restlessness? hey google how to not feel like crawling out of my skin anymore? hey google how to stop trying to make my life worse because i feel kind of bored? hey google how to feel content? hey alexa???

A number of years ago, when I was in a phase of my life where I was making more bad decisions than good ones, I had a habit of going online and telling men about the things that were done to me. They were of course getting off to this and they tended to ask follow up questions. Normally they would ask things like how I felt at the time, how humiliated I was, did I like it etc. One day I was talking to this guy and for awhile it was going normally. He asked gross shit and I answered with a mix of truth and lies - if the truth was too painful for me to type. I thought things were winding down, but then he asked me: if you liked it, do think you would be ok if it happened to somebody else? Now I am paraphrasing here because the way he phrased it was so gross I can't get myself to type it. When I read it at the time I started dry heaving in my room, till there was a puddle of spit on my floor. What did he even mean would it be ok? I was about 17 at the time and I had already spent years doing things that already brought me more harm - like the very chat I was engaging in. I am now 22 and I still can't really engage in a normal sexual relationship. Gentle caring love feels bad to me and I chase after the queasy bad-good feeling I was used to. I imprinted on the wrong stuff and I am ruined forever. There was a world in which I was able to have long term relationships, that I would want a boyfriend who loved me and cared for me, that I wouldn't dream of wanting anything but loving consensual sex. And that was taken from me. So do I think it's ok? No way in hell.

can y'all see my main on here?? I tried to remove blog portraits but I can still see my main when I post

getting bored, feeling empty, needing a new person to obsess over till I am but a shell of the shell I once was