broadist

Tides shifting, new work is coming my way, and I wanna talk about imposter syndrome. I didn’t “get lucky” with my new job at the big npr station in new york. I wasn’t in the right place at the right time. I was strategically recruited and chosen for the position based on my skills and reputation. In other words, I earned it.

When a woman achieves success your reaction shouldn’t be “how can I glom onto this.” Do not ask her how much she’s getting paid or if she’s getting paid at all. You can’t “help out.” You aren’t hopping on the mic. You don’t get to pick her brain, she’s busy.

I’ve received overwhelming support from colleagues of all genders, but the amount of unsolicited advice, weird vibes, and straight up FLACK I’ve gotten from men (outside of my new organization) is legit astounding. I have been in radio promotion and marketing for 8 years at three different companies covering hundreds of stations across two major territories. I’ve worked directly with some of the biggest artists in the world. And yes, I’ve been on the radio before. I love it and I’m glad to be back.

Work in music is often not perceived as work at all because it can be fun/glamorous/etc. I’ve been low-key disassociating since my first paycheck because imposter syndrome makes it SO HARD to internalize my worth and recognize myself as a professional who has, in fact, gotten a job off of merit and hard work.

I actively need to squash feelings like “It must be a happy accident. I can’t possibly be this valuable to a company. Must be a mistake.” Do me a favor and don’t contribute to this lie. Backhanded comments usually aren’t coming from a bad place but please recognize them for what they are: internalized misogyny.

White privilege is a sizable factor in my professional success, as I have certain advantages that many others do not. I’ll continue to amplify, listen to, and elevate those around me every step of the way. But to all the jealous dudes in the back I’d like to make something very clear: you aren’t “helping me out” with my new job unless you’re on my level professionally. Plenty of folks luck into their jobs but I am not one of them. I worked hard and people noticed.

I’m not at sxsw this year, and I’m no longer a full time employee of the music industry, so I’ve been reflecting a ton about that. My everloving nostalgia brain can’t help but fomo - look at older photos from past festivals show up on my timehop, facebook memories, and instagram memories(?), plus literal hundreds of friends posting all hours about chance encounters at shows, private late night Jenny Lewis, or Toro Y Moi in a garage, or Nardwuar, aesthetically unapologetic LIZZO IN A COWBOY GETUP, and some other extremely Austin TX shit. Also, warmer weather.

So I’m back to this article. “The Transformative Power Of Fat Women Onstage” flawlessly articulates so many points and feelings I’ve had about rock music for like, ever.

“Even as I dug deeper into punk and feminist music, something was still fundamentally missing.I just assumed that only thin girls could be cool punk girls or musicians of any kind, really, because there were no fat girls in punk or rock or pop or anything else that was accessible to a 13-year-old girl.

If I had been paying attention, I would have noticed that Missy Elliott and Jill Scott were living, breathing examples of successful fat women, but I like pretty much everyone else completely ignored their contributions, and those of other women of color, to what would later become the body positivity movement. I wanted fat rock stars.

To this day, I’ve never gotten that. But I did get Beth Ditto. She was a self-described “fat lesbian feminist,” and I’d never heard anyone use those words to describe themselves positively.

Beth Ditto was transformative not because she was fat, but because she had somehow managed to escape the circuitous pursuit of thinness.

The visibility of fat women in music is enough to make the rest of us feel like it’s okay to be visible in our own lives. To take up space.”

this was Roxy’s last ever tweet and now I’m crying again (yes, she was buried in the mink coat). Can’t believe it’s been 5 years. April 3 1987-November 24 2013 🖤💔

me: at least we got the house back 🤷🏼‍♀️

a friend: “That's more than an "at least" ! People should be dancing in the streets imo. Having the House makes SUCH a difference for things like not having to go through the obamacare repeal saga again, or another big horrible bill like the tax cut. So many people living in real fear of a government completely united against them now have some kind of check on that. PLUS: Rights for felons in Florida, all wins and no losses on weed progress, a string of governors and statehouses flipped from the republicans, real legendary pieces of shit like scott walker and kris kobach defeated... and all those women and POC in power. I do recognize there is shitty news here especially for ppl in florida. And we were all obviously holding out long-shot hopes for O'Rourke in Texas; I'm still holding out mine for Abrams in GA. But we should bear in mind that all of those were always long shots, and that the below-the-headlines stuff in terms of state seats and new Dem districts in all kinds of unlikely places, all is really really good news for people who desperately need some kind of shield from a predatory right-wing government.

It is ONLY versus hopes for a once-in-a-lifetime wave that last night can be seen as surprising/disappointing. It's a huge win for so many people's lives. If the Republicans had gotten this result they would never have shut up about how great it was. The Dems won the popular vote nationally by more than the GOP did in the Tea Party wave election after the ACA - it's only due to gerrymandering that the House win isn't BIGGER, and if Florida felons had had their rights already this year, Gillum would have won too. If anything I risk being too upbeat because of privilege etc. But it is so critical that ppl not get demoralized from here, this is a victory.”

If you follow me on instagram you may or may not have noticed I adopted a dog last year. My dog Tai really, really needs help.

On August 10 we went to the ER vet and left with a giant bill of $2837.81. On September 27, we went back to the specialist vet and left with another enormous bill of $1974.87. Between follow ups, medicine, prescription foods, and supportive care, I’ve spent at least another thousand and the costs are still mounting... with no diagnosis or clue what’s going on yet.

I’ve chosen to share happy photos rather than ones of how he looks now, which is emaciated. Clumps of hair falling out. Tired. Above is a pic of me taking him home from the animal shelter on May 7 2017 <3

Tai's life before he was adopted was Not Good. He was originally rescued from starvation from a family that meant well, but was scared of him. So for 4 years, Tai lived in their garage. In March 2015, his family was evicted from their home. Tai came to the shelter on a catch-pole, scared out of his mind and growling at anyone who came close. The shelter slowly gained his trust, with the help of roast beef and hot dogs. Through their commitment and training, he’s a sweet gentle and mellow dude and my absolute perfect companion. I’ve never loved so hard.

Tai was Posh Pets longest resident shelter dog. He sat for two and a half years, without ONE SINGLE INQUIRY. He was as unwanted as it gets, and while he was loved by staff and volunteers, surely nothing beats having a home. Literally no one wanted to adopt this dog until I showed up as a happenstance volunteer. It continues to blow my mind.

Above is probably my favorite pic of him ever.

Here are some older shelter boi pics.

I’ve done my best in taking care of Tai and giving him a home for the first time in 7 years. While I’ve been able to provide him with TLC, I was not financially equipped for this emergency and the expense keeps mounting. Please spare anything you can, even $5 will add up and help get Tai the medical care he needs. You can also paypal directly to [email protected], venmo "caroline-shadood.” I feel super vulnerable and weird about this but if you have any money to spare, if Tai’s tale strikes a chord with you, I sincerely appreciate the help.

There is tons more info in the GoFundMe, I’ll spare you the sad pics and focus on the happy cute ones. If you aren’t able to donate, a reblog or a like or share still helps. Anything to get eyes on this. Thank you.