Courage and Joy at Work Brandi Molitor

For the last decade I swore up and down I’d never own a house. I convinced myself owning a home was a giant scam by big banks to keep us trapped in debt for 30 years.

Over the course of the last month I’ve been exploring buying houses.

In Michigan. A state I said I’d never live in for more than a year (I’m going on 6 years).

Owning a home might very well be a scam (what do I know, really) and Michigan might not be the best state to live in, but here I am.

I’m coming out, y’all — I might be a homeowner in the midwest. Maybe. I kinda-almost-sorta have my fingers crossed behind my back when I say this.

Because, I might change my mind again, too.

For the longest time, though, I didn’t think I had permission to change my mind.

I mean, “What would people think?!”

I tended to be a person that was fairly alternative when it came to lifestyle. Including living situations and places. I subscribed to “being different.” I had this idea that being unique was some sort of specialness. Owning a home in the Midwest doesn’t really fit that “brand” of person. Like, seriously, if you know my personality well enough, most people think I belong in Portland, Austin, Asheville, Boulder, and ya know, here I soon might be an official Michigander.

Am I “selling out” if I choose to stay?

Nah. I just feel a little differently right now. I’m not stuck in a box sealed up with concrete.

I remember the first time I learned one of my beloved spiritual mentor yogi’s who was just the most amazing woman I ever laid eyes on in the world of goddess-like-essence, smoked cigarettes and ate bacon.

Uhhhh what? Women like you aren’t supposed to….

Ya feel me? What we think about ourselves we project outward.

“I forced myself to fit into this tiny ass box so you have to, too. Get in that tiny box I designed for you, ya little rascal. Don’t ruin this perfect image I have for you.”

Some simple examples, but…

We live in a society where dogma rules. We say we are this or that and then feel this pressure to subscribe to whatever that organized thought says we must believe. It tells us how to act, be, think, do. Some find comfort in this. They think "if I do this, as I’m told, then this will happen.”

But, life is messy. Very messy. And complex! And filled with subtleties.

We do things we swear we’d never do. We find ourselves in situations like the people we judged, when we claimed “I could never do that.”

Like the client I had who was at the top of his game financially that everyone looked up to, who make a big business mistake and ended up bankrupt and lost his house and all of his relationships.

He changed his mind about the need for money.

Our dominant culture makes us think we have to follow a strict set of orders in order to, what? Be loved? Be safe? Make it to heaven?

When we find ourselves outside of these rigid barriers of “being good and right” we tend to feel shame, guilt, regret… we want to hide.

We sadly start to shun the growth within us, because what’s truly emerging in these moments is compassion, understanding, gratitude and empathy.

I learned the reason I’m able to hold so much space for others in their struggles is because I’ve been through some shit. I really get the pain and humanness on this journey we are calling life. If I didn’t fumble so much and learn the hard way at times and find myself time and time again doing things I said I’d never do “because hey, someone ‘like me’ would ‘never do that’ then I wouldn’t understand why people do the things they do and understand the complex and nuanced feelings and experiences around all of it. It makes me really good at what I do. In turn, I’m grateful for the pain and trials. Only because I was able to rise from them all (and continue to) in the space of compassion and not more judgement on myself and others.

Pema Chodron, a well-known Buddhist monk shares:

“Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded, it’s a relationship between equals. Only when we know our own darkness well can we be present with the darkness of others. Compassion becomes real when we recognize our shared humanity.”

When we embrace feminine-based leadership, there’s room for compassion and integration of the full-range of humanness. The rigidness and hierarchy of patriarchy, dogma and constructed systems leave little room for curiosity, integration, connection and compassion.

We hold these standards and these rigid beliefs to feel more secure in our perceived sense of hierarchy in this world.

Closer to god, maybe.

But people don’t work well in the world of absolutes.

The flow of life resists absolutes. Human beings at their core, when connected to the flow of nature, naturally resist having to make black and white declarations — like how society tells us we must subscribe.

Over time, the mind cons itself. It robs the spirit of experiencing true humanity and it becomes more rigid. Like all things that are rigid and unbending, the spirit becomes bitter and brittle. Hearts constrict. Actions no longer come from a place of love but from a place of fear.

The lesson in compassion is lost. Connection and intimacy forgone.

People find themselves protesting against the things they hate the most about themselves. There's a belief that by shaming others over the things they feel most ashamed of is somehow healing or absolving themselves.

The fear of embracing ones own humanness becomes far scarier than projecting out the pain and judgement onto others.

You see, when allowed, life leads you to a place of changing your mind.

When we get that life is a tapestry of choices and mistakes and hard things and luck and privilege and chance, we shift. We have to. Otherwise we get hardened and deny what life is. That’s what integration is and what feminine leadership is (and, PS, you don’t have to identify as woman to embrace feminine leadership).

So how does this relate to Courageous Leadership?

Where do you find yourself feeling obligated or trapped into a certain way of being, operating, or committing? Where do you feel you want to soften more but find that you are speaking in terms of absolutes?

Ask yourself if this is a conceptual trap seeped in dogma or expectations from others. Ask yourself if this is a way to rid yourself of your own internal judgement.

Is there a sense of curiosity or exploration you are interested in exploring but feel too scared to do so?

These areas are open for exploration as a leader where you can have more compassion towards yourself.

Where are you so full of fear, shame, guilt and “being seen” that it’s causing you to not choose powerfully in a way that resonates most with you?

You CAN be many things and then change your mind later if you want to. If it doesn’t fit into a mold or a belief system, you have permission to expand and shift.

You really, really do.

And when we practice more from a place of love and compassion, the world becomes a radically more loving and compassionate place.

You can trust me on that.

You’re not trapped. You can change your mind on things you once believed to be absolutely true.

#brandi

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#brandi molitor

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#grand rapids business coach

Letters on Leading with Courage

Courageous Leadership

Hi! Fun update: I’m now referring to these emails/newsletters to “Letters on Leading with Courage.”

According to our friends at Merriam-Webster, leading means to exercise leadership, which means to lead, which is defined as: to guide on a way especially by going in advance (aka going first).

Courage is defined by mental or moral strength to venture, persevere and withstand danger, fear or difficulty.

I talk and write about both of these things.

One of my mentors, Kelly Diels, pointed out the importance of naming things.

Kelly shares that an oppressive culture breeds vagueness to keep people in a state of confusion and therefore have a loss of power. When we name things, they become real. The “thing” then holds space in the world. It has existence! Things that were once invisible, become visible. So when we go bravely into new territory and lead ourselves, we can name that as courageous leadership.

Because it is.

Here’s why…

Dominant culture (oppressive, masculine & capitalistic) teaches us we can only be one way. That way is to hustle, push and go for more. The default is to ignore how we feel if we have feelings to keep working at being "successful."

There’s this apparent blueprint we are all aware of. You know it and I know it. It’s there, always lurking in the background and we compare ourselves to it.

Did we make it?

So who declared what's successful in the first place?

Oh yah, dominate culture (which, forces us to repress all the sides of ourselves that don’t fall into the masculine & capitalistic ways). The voice of dominant culture is LOUD and the loudest is often what's heard, felt and believed.

So, our minds get stuck thinking we’re "wrong" all the time because we aren't following the blueprint (this also works really well within the self-help industrial complex). As in, if we can’t get it right, we must be broken and therefore need fixing.

We push and push until the voice inside of us saying there’s gotta be a different way, becomes louder than the one we’re being sold.

OR, we are forced to see things differently because our bodies quit, our relationships start to fall apart, we start to have health issues… we basically hit the proverbial rock bottom (pssst — we get to declare what that bottom is).

Courageous leaders then make a change.

So, it takes a lot of courage to choose a different path than what is being forced upon us.

We purposefully or accidentally become leaders in all this. Leading means going first within your group or system. You don’t have to be a business owner or run big shit or anything like that.

You show up and show the way.

Others follow because they see your courage and bravery and see it feels good for you and makes sense. They likely want some of that, too.

You could be inspiring people and not even know it.

It can also mean leading with your heart. Putting love first. Not putting dominant culture’s plan for you first.

To move beyond the shame and guilt that are by-products of our dominant system from not following or “failing” at the marching orders of what a “good and productive life” is, is courageous. It’s badass.

AND! There’s a way to integrate your feelings and desires and energies without having to ditch all of dominate culture and move to a hut in the mountains.

It starts with sifting through what works for you and what doesn’t.

Most usually don’t take pause for this because as a society we are being pushed to consume and achieve (a massive f’in distraction).

It’s not our fault.

Oftentimes we don't even realize it (I still think the first iPhone should’ve come with a warning label for what it would do to our minds — just sayin’).

The upside is, we don't have to pick one way of being.

This work can be tough at times and it helps to have someone guiding on where to get started and how to unpack it.

So I'll be sharing more on how we can work together with an upcoming course I'm offering on Courageous Leadership.

We can be Courageous Leaders and hold space around the fire supporting each other as we create what works for us.

It takes courage and bravery to go against the oppressive forces and lead with your heart.

Here’s an exercise on exploring what you like:

What is your favorite part of spring?

Do you like the flowers or things coming to bloom? Do you like a certain sport? Do you like being able to open the windows? Longer walks outside? The birds? Trips to a cabin or cottage? Friends coming back to town? Camping? The smell of rain? Riding your bike? Cool nights with the windows open and smelling the breeze? Fresh veggies from the farmers market? Baseball games with the kiddos and sitting on the sidelines with your morning cup o’ joe?

Invitation:

(Banksy street art -- “Girl Throwing Up Hearts”)

You’re Not as Nice as You Think

“Brandi, why do you care so much about earning the respect and being liked so much by people you don’t like or respect?”

I stopped dead in my thoughts, then erupted in hysterical laughter.

Oh.

My.

God.

Why DO I care so much?

My mentor and I worked together for months and months — and this one walloped me right over the head.

In that moment, I had never felt so seen. It made me laugh hysterically.

I had been working my ass off to be liked in an arena I had no desire or business to be part of.

Because that’s what I did for so long. Go into things that didn’t feel good and then work tirelessly to win people over.

My trauma’s conditioned me to see life this way: the more people that like me, the less likely it will be for me to be really hurt.

My feelings had become so commonplace I didn’t even recognize it;

the constant feeling of not belonging,

that no one really liked me,

that everything runs their course,

that it’s always time to move on.

I chose situations, jobs, and people that my inner voice said no to, but I overrode that voice in the spirit of being liked and not trusting my inner dialogue because I was “being mean” or “judgmental” or not “spiritual enough” or straight up listening to what everyone else around me said was a good idea despite everything inside of me saying it wasn’t.

These are a few of the buzz words for a “good person” these days in America if you’re hanging out in the (typically women-based) self-help, coaching, healing and empowered-person domains.

You’re all these things plus you run a good business, look good, eat the right stuff, live in the right city or town with the right furniture, drive the right car, do the right workouts, use the right technology and digital subscriptions, read the right media, have the kids in the right schools playing the right sports and on the right teams and yes, are liked and known as being kind and nice and tolerant and seeing the light in every person that comes across your path.

That’s a big f’in order.

What’s lost as a result? YOU. Your desires, who you are, what you stand for, what you want to do with your time on this planet, your health and your wellness.

Our time is spent fitting this mold and fitting into what people want from us and sacrificing our own spirit and energy making sure that others feel good.

The flip side of this can be interpreted as “not giving a f@ck” about what people think or want or need. That doesn’t quite work, either. The thing is, we DO give a f@ck. A lot of f@cks, actually. That’s not something we want to throw away. Don’t throw away all the f@cks. Give some to you.

We’re communal people.

Wanting to be liked and needed will NEVER GO AWAY. It’s in our DNA and our composition as communal humans. If our community didn’t like us or want us, we’d die. So being a jerk isolated on an island not liking everyone or having no community doesn’t work either. It’s only enhanced in the social media age. We not only want our small, local community to want us around, we also want to fit in with some virtual community, too.

So. Much. Being. Liked. To. Handle.

Especially in the mix of running a community-based business.

So, when someone says they don’t give a flying F about what people think and they are doing their “own thing," what I see and hear is someone who’s actually either giving waaaaay to many F’s and is terrified or burnt the hell out, or someone who doesn’t actually love themselves quite yet but has convinced themselves they do. (I’m still working on this every minute of every day).

Because you gotta give some F’s. It’s just how, to who and how many :)

You CAN be a good human and be likable — start with YOU first — and then pick the community you resonate with.

It doesn’t have to be a huge community. It can be small and mighty.

You can start to let go of the martyr complex — someone who constantly sacrifices their own needs for the sake of others (which leads to major burnout, buckets of resentments and lots and lots o’ anger).

The tricky part is that it can be so imbedded in how you operate, you may not even realize it (like me, mentioned earlier — thank goodness for mentors).

So we charge on, sacrificing our own truth to ensure the other person (relationship, friendship, client) feels good and the payoff for us? Is that we get to say we are nice and a good person.

I mean, after all, despite the pain and feeling icky, as perfectionists we don’t change our minds because we have to get everything right the first time. We’re loyal and committed to getting it right. Amiright? ;)

WELP, PLOT TWIST:

The truth? You’re not nice. (Ouch) (PS - I know this isn’t intentional - you’re still a good person) :)

You’re misleading people and you’re being dishonest.

You’re creating a scenario where the other person or job or client or situation thinks they mean more to you than they do and you’re someone you’re really not.

AND — you’re being mean to yourself. (Double ouch)

The result? You end up on this hamster wheel of thoughts and never feeling fulfilled or enough or purposeful. Everything you set out to achieve feels empty.

Sounds simple… but it can be a huge blindspot: be your own friend first. See if you like YOU first. Then go out and build your community.

__________________________

First step to meeting yourself? Quiet time. Put down all this digital stuff. Be alone. No people. No stimulants. No guided apps. Listen. Try for 5 minutes a day to start. Listen to what you hear internally. What does the inner voice say?

You can start over.

You can change your mind.

You can quit things.

You can be authentic and real to YOURSELF and also be kind.

Any time.

And with help.

Be your own nice friend first, and always.

___________________________

Stay in touch with me!

#brandimolitor

#courage

#joy

#healedleaders

#leadership

#femaleleadership

#womenwholead

#womeninbusiness

One thing I know about high-achievers, we can be wildly successful AND STILL NOT FEEL LIKE we’ve “MADE IT”...

Instead we get hung up on yet another certain goal post that would mean we MADE IT.

It was a condo. Now it’s a summer home.

It was a sexy car. Now it’s a boat on the lake.

It’s not that there’s anything wrong with going after bigger and bigger goals.

It’s that when the engine that drives us is the need to know we MADE IT, it’s possible that we’ll never truly get there…

The symbols holding up the goal posts…may not be what we actually want!

We’re possibly not trying to reach them for ourselves at all, but to prove something to other people.

That’s why we feel like we’re on a hamster wheel. Why the things we work so hard for don’t end up feeling as good as we thought they would…

The dream trip. The debt paid off. The sexy car.

It’s like…uh…now what?

That’s why I like to play with this experiment.

Let’s pretend you’ve already made it.

Then what? What matters then?

How can you create that NOW?

***

I’m Brandi Molitor. I’m an executive-level coach for high-achievers who want to get off the hamster wheel of exhaustion and reconnect to joy and freedom at work and in life.

If that’s you and you’re curious about what it would take for you to no longer feel stuck, let’s talk.

The Desire to be Noticed

As a kid growing up in a low-income, abusive and addict-based household, I escaped the pain I felt by fantasizing about another life. Being a child of the 80’s, cable TV and magazines promoted the latest celebrities and their wealth. Our society was propped up by shows like the “Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous,” “Dallas” and “Silver Spoons” as examples of how the world operated in success. MTV launched, fetishizing music icons with their extravagant lifestyles of freedom that came with their success and fame. I internalized this culture and rather than committing to marrying Sabastien Bach, I wanted to BE Belinda Carlisle which then moved to Gwen Stefani… someone who embodied edge and boldness. THAT, I thought, was IT. Coming from a family who couldn’t afford Christmas or trips my friends all took with their families, I believed money was the cure for feeling happy, loved and validated, and the only way to get money was through being important and known. I had to make and do something big. That was the only way.

Of course I never did anything that would bring me fame. I never sought after those types or careers, but there was a constant nagging that I had to BE SOMETHING IMPORTANT (….to the outside world).

I spent hours a day sketching “giant” houses I dreamed of living in one day. At the time, that included a house with more than one floor, a wrap-around porch and a long driveway. I wanted trees in the front. Eventually I thought I’d be an architect, until during high school I job shadowed with one and he told me to not follow through on that. He said “unless you land some big designs in big cities, you end up designing strip malls and struggling for the next job.” I threw my arms up in the air and decided no to architecture.

I realized I loved the Earth and animals, so I became committed to saving the environment through law after seeing a few big lawyer movies where the lawyer was the hero. There! I can be famous and make a huge impact AND be a savior. Until another internship where the environmental attorney said I’d be mostly working for the “bad guys” and paper pushing.

I searched and searched for meaning, often on my own, without input from anyone other than media and the occasional random adult who scratched my dreams.

These desires followed me well into adulthood, without me really knowing. They etched their way into my subconscious while I meandered through life following passions and curiosities, trying to find purpose with integrity. I attracted partners in life who also wanted to be noticed and recognized and have some level of fame, only adding to the belief I was a nobody unless I was a somebody. I constantly struggled with finding peace with my introversion and not wanting to be the center of anything.

With the onslaught of reality television, social media and “influencers” everywhere, my beliefs firmly rooted that I still didn’t have any impact on anyone and my dreams were failing, came rushing back. I compared and despaired, wondering how I suffered so much in life and still didn’t pay enough dues to get my break, while most seemed to of just gotten “lucky.” I enmeshed happiness and love with attention, recognition, admiration and money. I believed you couldn’t have one without the other. These beliefs were driving me and my incessant feeling of never being enough. I claimed I was ambitious and high achieving, but what I was really doing was still running from the pain of my childhood.

When I started to share about this, I learned I wasn’t the only one who had this running my mind… and we all know notoriety and money do not equal joy and love. :)

I slowly started to accept life and my place in it. I learned my self-esteem was being dictated by the outside world and to turn my attention inward and to create a life that felt good to me and not what other’s think about me or what I think they think about me. The process and release was really confusing and disorienting at first. I also grieved the loss of my manufactured identity. It took a whole lotta courage and a whole lotta trust and a whole lotta help. And, it’s still a work in progress.

My mission now is to leave the world better than I found it, bit by bit, sometimes in bigger gestures than others, and committing to a life and lifestyle of healing. Turns out, we’re all influencers; to the people we surround ourselves with, the cashier, the barista, the person we pass on the hiking trail, the animals we have in our lives, the earth we inhabit, the way we vote. When we lead a life of intention and source it from love, the impact is profound. If we are being influenced and influencing others by what the outside world is telling us is right or wrong based off of a capitalistic, patriarchal, privileged culture, we aren’t influencers at all. We’re merely followers.

Where do you see the need to get validation and the need to be noticed? What’s driving it? Is there a chronic push that enough is never enough and there’s a boogie man in your closet telling you you’ll never be anything if you don’t become what you once believed to be true? The driving story doesn’t have to be one of being raised in a traumatic environment, it could be parents who put a lot of pressure on you, siblings who you were told were better than you or prettier than you, a teacher who scolded you and said you weren’t good enough, a partner who decided to leave the relationship for “someone better.” The narratives we often hold in our minds we don’t even realize are there. Like I often say, these patterns and default narratives can be to us like a fish is to water, where we’re completely submerged in them, it feels like home.

One of my best investments in life was bringing others into my life to bring attention to these on-going narratives. Once released, I’m able to create peace and alignment. When we change the story, the doors to freedom start to open.

Lessons from Climbing Stairs

Arriving is a state of mind.

In a little town called Manitou Springs in Colorado, is a notoriously famous hike called The Incline - which climbs 2,744 stairs in just under a mile up the side of a mountain. The stairs start at 6,000’ in elevation and climb up just over 2,000’ — all much higher than my typical sea-level living.

On a cold, wet and snowy early morning, my partner and I decided to climb it on our trip. The trail typically climbs up to experience some expansive views of the surrounding mountains and town below, but on this typical morning, the hills were socked in with fog, and we weren’t able to see beyond 30’ or so in front of us.

We got to the trailhead and all I saw were steps. No top, no surrounding mountains. Trees and steps. I hadn’t even done any research on this hike, just that it was steep and something to accomplish.

I looked at the first few steps and thought “I got this.” I started to climb in to the sea of clouds. What a beautiful experience, I thought to myself. I settled in to the idea of feeling good in my body, hanging out in some nature.

After 10 or so minutes, I felt the frustration start to mount inside of me. “Where is the end?! I can’t see the top!” screamed out in to my head. I vacillated between talking myself in to trusting I’d get to the end and feeling frustration that I couldn’t see the end. Part of it was not being able to determine how fast to climb or how to set my mind for the climb. I wanted to KNOW the end so I knew how to be and how much to give. My mind raced with thoughts passing and rushing over me, but my questioning of “are we there yet?” stayed consistently present in the background.

The trail was light with hikers because of the weather and the time of day. There were only the two of us and one other fellow who was clearly not a regular climber of these stairs. Others were seasoned incline-goers, running up (and down) the snowy stairs. As they passed me I marveled at their physique. I compared myself a few times as they cheered me on and congratulated me on my efforts.

I eventually arrived at the top. Through the clouds I hit the last step. “This surely can’t be it?” I thought. “There are no more steps?” It seemed anticlimactic after all the pressure I put on myself to get to the end. All I wanted was to know where the end was and when I got there, I realized it was over.

When I finally hit the last step, I looked for more. I even ran around the flat top of the area, searching for more steps. I had a lot more energy left inside of me. It’s really over? I did it?

Then it hit me. This is how I show up in life, too: Entirely focused on the end and achieving the goal than enjoying and being present on the journey along the way, and saving energy in the tank for what-if’s.

Life isn’t about getting the prize at the end, crossing the finish line, winning the award, purchasing the next practice or business, landing the next big deal or fitting in to the certain size of pants. The real joy is in living one step at a time. I envisioned at times, too, how each step was similar to one moment or experience in life. That each step leads to another, and then another. We get to this point and we look back, like I did at the top of these stairs, and see the hill we climbed. Much to my soul’s delight, I could only see a few stairs behind me. The rest were lost in the clouds, as distant memories. I couldn’t even see where we started from. Just like in life, the starting point doesn’t matter, and neither does the end, really. It’s who we are and what we experience and what we give along the way, with the continued momentum forward.

Looking back, what’s funny is that we didn’t get “the view” everyone talks about from the top. A few people asked “wasn’t the view incredible?” All we saw were trees and fog and the handful of stairs behind us. I wouldn’t of wanted it any other way, though. I was being asked to look at what was right in front of me and focus in on the experience and to stay in the moment and not be distracted by the view. And what was even more revealing, is that the journey I had along the way wasn’t any less full of elation and pain than someone who got the view. Same trail. Same steps. Same beauty. Different view. All the same path. Totally glorious.

Once again, I was able to see it’s not about arriving at something - because once I arrived, it was never about the arrival at all.

It’s how I got there that created the experience.

Choose your own adventure!

A new study shows the human brain has over 6,200 thoughts run through the mind in any given day. The thoughts flow from one to the next, sometimes not connected at all and sometimes recurring thoughts re-appear. Some studies show 80% of our thoughts are the same from day to day.

Meaning - we keep repeating the same stories to ourselves.

In the flow of thoughts from one to the next - why do our minds repeat themselves or choose and hang on to specific thoughts? WE choose what to pinpoint in our thoughts. Are we picking the same negative thought over and over again and attaching to that? How is it serving us?

What if instead, we identified with a new thought - a more loving thought? How would that feel?

We all feel insecure at times until our self-esteem rises up to the point of feeling secure and embodying the new role. Some women struggle for a long time in their insecurities and it can plaque them for life (still stuff I’m working on!). 👏🏼

The good news is I've found there are 4 things you can do to help yourself overcome the feelings of not being enough for the role:

🌱 Trust if you weren’t qualified, you wouldn’t be where you are. There’s this inherit belief under all of it we are duping or tricking someone and they don’t know the “truth” about us. The truth being they will see how unqualified we are and something is wrong with us. If whomever hired you or is seeing you as a patient or client didn’t think you were providing some value or were qualified, you wouldn’t be where you are. They wouldn’t of “picked” you. The truth is, they did invest in you, and you are there because they want you there.

💫Take tasks/days at a time. Trust in your own skillset and take one thing at a time. When we cast too far out in to the future we panic and obsess about not being able to do whatever big, future project or business move there is to come. As challenging as it may seem, take each task or business decision or patient/client visit at a time and focus on your abilities in that moment.

🌸Drop the attitude of perfection. NO one is perfect, and obsessing over getting it right only inhibits the creativity and abundance to flow through you.

You’re Not Alone. 

“Contemplative life is not for the timid. It’s scary to be quiet, and it takes courage to be still. No one could be expected to sit on the battlefield of her own mind without being armed with the sword of unconditional truth in one hand and the sword of unconditional love in the other.” — Mirabai Starr “Wild Mercy”

When I first met Sue, she came to me with an open, yet broken heart. As she cried throughout the call, she referenced many times that she knew there was another way to experience life; she just couldn’t figure it out. She saw women at networking events and online who appeared happy, having it all, and effortlessly going through life. We both knew this was a facade, but Sue’s belief that it was possible was what was tugging at her. “I work so hard, every day. I’ve checked all the boxes. I’ve done all the THINGS, yet I feel like shit. I never feel like what I am doing is enough or right. I am tired all the time. I feel like I can’t keep up. I know this isn’t the way! I know there is something I can tap in to but I can’t! What am I missing?? How do I get there??”

Despite Sue feeling at an absolute loss, what I was witnessing and she didn’t know yet, was that she had conjured up the courage to admit there’s a different way of experiencing life. She wasn’t at a loss, she was actually at the point of gain. She entered the battlefield of her own mind — and hadn’t yet picked up her swords of unconditional love and truth.

She was right there. Without fully knowing it, she was surrendering to the circumstances of the life she created, knew there was something out there for her to experience, and tapped in to the courage to ask for help. She was ready to enter the cave to rumble with what’s been blocking her, and come out on the other side a hero of her own life — where love, compassion, joy, ease, connection, and purpose, intersect with pain, struggle, challenges, breakdowns, and loss, and having the skills and tools to navigate it.

I had been there, too. My first real sense that there was something bigger to access and tap in to beyond what I was being taught and shown by society was when I was 20 years old. I was sitting on a rolling green hill outside of town in the southern tier of New York, dealing with my own broken heart. I was at a crossroads in my life — conflicted over relationships and plans after college. I felt I “had to” do what was expected of me, but it just didn’t feel right. As I sat looking out over the valley, hours had passed. I cried. I sat longer. And then out of nowhere, I was hit with an idea that I didn’t have to do what others wanted me to. I didn’t have to do what society expected of me. I didn’t have to sell out my passion and desires and commitment to follow someone else’s plan. “What if?” I thought. I said it over and over. In that moment, I felt an enormous amount of freedom, and my heart felt full and my spirit lifted almost instantly.

I drove back to campus and shared my breakthrough with a few others — elated in my experience and motivated to live out the promise I made to myself. After sharing myself openly and authentically with just a handful of people, those feelings were gone. I shared with people who were committed to another way of being and living, and they found flaws and holes in my dreams and vision. I retreated and hid away what felt like a new life. I was confused and embarrassed I even had such ideas. “They’re right,” I said to myself, “and I’m an idiot.” I believed that story for a long time.

I did experience feeling connected to my truth many times again, though, and each time the feeling of wanting to let go of expectations sticking just a little bit longer. The cycle would be that I would feel these fleeting moments of freedom, like an animal released from a cage, to only be sucked back in by fear again — the idea that it’s too scary to connect with one’s true nature and spirit. Like that same freed animal running back to its captors because it feels more comfortable to be caged in with what’s familiar, than go out in to the wilderness of the unknown. It wasn’t until the pain of living in my own, self-induced prison became too much that I decided to trust the inner guidance and intuition of what was already there…. leading me all along, to the point of stillness and connection with one’s own self, that I finally surrendered to making that a reality.

I had grit and perseverance, but community and support was what really helped me to stay the course of what’s possible, to step “out of the cage,” and forge my own path. It took creating and connecting with a tribe of others who saw and experienced the same light and freedom, in order for me to maintain my connection to inner truth and wisdom and freedom. It also took validation.

You see, in the moments when I felt connected or pulled toward my truth, I was also being shown another way by culture and the general masses. I felt weird, odd, different, that I didn’t belong, and that something was wrong with me. When I began to get validated by other truth seekers and those connected to a higher calling, my feelings became more real and I was able to expand on them, until eventually I was living it. Imagine that caged animal being set free, then rounding a corner to find other beings just like it, playing and living out their spirited life. It certainly wouldn’t of gone back to the cage.

As we sit with our thoughts more so now than ever, there’s a desire of wanting to be free from the ideas that hold us down or produce fear, upset, discontentment, coupled with feelings of isolation. This can be a tricky place to be. Many women I talk to, just like Sue, are having these emotional experiences in a way that’s more profound than ever, but also feel alone. There’s feelings of helplessness and fears of confronting anything more than what’s already going on (the experience can be just too much). I know you’re feeling this too, my dear (it’s a bit impossible not to, nowadays) and that is why I want to offer some help.

Life can and is a lot to handle at times, but what I’ve learned along the way, is that we can do hard and difficult things. We just don’t have to do them alone. The overwhelm, grief and helplessness do not have to become who you are.

Although most of my coaching focuses on private, 1:1, in-depth work, I am opening up a new, short-term program designed for a small community of truth-seekers. In this time where our feelings seem overwhelming, I know more now than ever, community and connection with a tribe you resonate with is essential.

Click here to learn more about the virtual group program, and learn that you don’t have to go at it alone anymore. The first step is having the courage to raise your hand, and allow the help to step in. We CAN be joyful and experience gratitude AND experience grief and challenges at the same time.

Now’s not the time to face it all alone — there’s a tribe waiting for you.

Recent times have called to us as leaders to speak up and share our voices. Our leadership is being summoned more so than ever before.

If you haven’t found your voice, the calling can feel overwhelming and heavy.

“Who am I and what do I stand for?” “How do I feel about all of this?” “How do I say it without sounding fake?”

Over the last several years, I’ve been recovering my lost voice, and recently had a reminder in the importance of doing so.

A couple weeks ago, I was told I have arthritis in my hip and scar tissue in my hip area, and asked “Do you remember any tears to your groin muscles that may not of healed properly?” I did. I was reminded of when I was 14 years old, the fall after my mom died, on the soccer field. I ripped my groin muscles over-extending my leg on a kick, and my initial reaction was to collapse in pain. Instead, I stayed upright, and limped while running. I later sprained my ankle on that same, weakened leg, playing basketball, and ignored that too.

Season after season I played in pain, accepting how my body felt as the new normal.

I went on to ski a bunch and hike a bunch and run a bunch and do all kinds of excessive, and at times, abusive things to my body. I’d re-tear the groin muscles and limp in pain and say “ouch” but overall I would ignore it...pain was more familiar to me than anything else. I adjusted myself to the pain...that’s what I was conditioned to do.

I recognized, this time, after the nagging and chronic pain and trying alternative remedies, it was best to go get checked out and see how I can heal myself. I listened to my body, the VOICE of my body, and made the choice to take care of myself. I spoke up and ASKED FOR HELP, starting with, “hey, this hurts,” without knowing the solution. For me, that took a big call to courage.

When I sat in the doctor’s office almost 28 years since the original injuries, recounting the memories of excruciating pain in my mind, he asked “so you didn’t get treatment or do anything for it?” “No,” I said, “it was like, the 90’s, you know, no pain, no gain.” “Yeah, but it was a substantial injury.” “Yeah, well, kids just, didn’t complain as much then.” We both laughed.

The truth was I didn’t tell anyone because I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t want to bother anyone. I was already conditioned in my family to not speak up, having lost “my voice” long before my mother died the winter before. Pain was for the weak, I was taught. Be tough. Don’t complain. Don’t whine. Don’t cry. With feeling voiceless and feeling like I already had this scarlet letter on my back, I didn’t want to draw more attention to myself.

So here I sat, with the strains and sprains decades later, now having arthritis in my hip.

Me not speaking up manifested itself in to something much greater.

Turns out, pain doesn’t go away when we ignore it. It grows, and changes form.

Over the last few weeks, I’ve been asked many times “where does it hurt? How does this feel?” I’ve sat, and paused, and felt, and shared. And I was heard.

And the cool part? There’s hope for healing the injury, and within a week’s time I feel 99% better than I have in years. I invested some time and money, let go of my fear and shame, and shared the burden with those who want to help.

We, especially women, are conditioned to silence our pain, our confusion, our call for understanding, because we’re often told to shut up, we’re ignored, we’re told not to be a bother, and we quickly learn our voice doesn’t matter.

Later, we learn, that’s a lie.

There’s no greater time to unleash the voice inside of you and most importantly, ask for help in doing it.

As the over-achievers and strivers for perfection that we believe ourselves to be, we think we have to have the answer before we even ask for help. We believe we have to know the solution, and then maybe ask someone who’s slightly better at the solution we decided would fix our problem.

The same voice that created the problem, thinks it can solve the problem.

That’s the ego trying to protect itself.

Where else have you been holding back pain that will manifest itself in to something so much greater down the road? Where else have you become SO USED to the pain that it’s become “normal” and “acceptable?” Where else has your lack of speaking up been slowly deteriorating you inside?

Where are you desperately trying to fix a problem all alone, so afraid to ask for help thinking the perfectionist in you will figure it out yourself?

What are you not sharing?

Your silence robs you of purpose and meaning and your greatest contribution to the world, and slowly deteriorates you from the inside out.

Release the tension, and step in courageously.

It’s OK to ask for help. I learned my pain is telling me something - it is not my enemy, and it doesn’t mean I am a failure. When I cried in anger over my body failing me and how I failed at being “perfect” (as I ran through the many years of intense workouts and supplements and healthy foods and alternative medicines and therapies — overlooking the years of silencing and ignoring and pushing through), my doctor said “no, no, don’t be mad at your body. Your body isn’t failing you at all. It’s trying to tell you something. It’s telling you what you are doing isn’t working, and it’s time to change. Your body is working with you, not against you. The pain got louder because you weren’t listening.”

Where it hurts is information; we apply the meaning. For the first time in my life, I didn’t look at pain as something wrong, something I needed to push through, something proving I was weak, a failure, aging, or evidence that life was falling apart, but rather information that I was being called to make a change. And this time, change didn’t seem so scary, because I had support, and asked for it.

In this case, finding my voice in the form of my body, listening, and acting upon it, allowed others to use their voice, and their gifts too. Even when pain doesn’t manifest in to the physical, but more so the emotional, it builds and cries for release, in the form of anger, frustration, depression, and anxiety, to name a few.

“There is a community of the spirit.

Join it, and feel the delight

of walking in the noisy street

and being the noise.

Close both eyes to see with the other eye.

Open your hands if you want to be held.”

-Rumi

We are all born with an innate wisdom. An inner truth. A guide. Our inner voice. Our spirit. It’s the wisdom that finds joy in creativity, community, contribution, collaboration, and love. It’s the spirit that jumps in mud puddles without abandon, throws on whatever creative outfits we conjure up, sings loudly walking down the street, and feels cradled and cared for in the arms of nature. It’s the spirit that stops to curiously watch with awe a bee pollinate a flower, or a storm roll in, or loses herself in a grove of trees as they bend back and forth with the wind. She doesn’t think constantly if this is OK, or how horrible her body is, or if she is really loved.

Then we change. In time, our spirits get bullied, told they’re wrong, to be quiet, sit down, stand up, go over there, be more of this and less of that, be bold but not too much, be smart and talented, but stay humble. Fit in or get out. The spirit and its voice get stripped down and quieted, and a new self emerges. The social self that’s trained and also very smart. So smart, it has a way to get us through life fitting in without ever being really present. So smart is has us believe this is who we are, no questions asked. So loud and powerful, it takes over the inner spirit’s voice until it’s a faint, if barely heard whisper, no longer in the mind, but finding solace in the body. The new self wins. 

But the victory is not forever.

While our spirit is silenced, we feel a dull ache in our hearts. A longing we can’t put our finger on. The feeling is familiar, but we can’t define what it is. Somewhere between the two worlds of the external world and the world of the spirit, we live, in the static, in the noise. In this space, our lives are often uncomfortable, leading us to insatiable cravings we try to fill.

The discomfort manifests itself in to a belief that something is wrong with us. Never feeling satisfied, we get seduced by concepts and ideas and materials looking for ways to “feel good.” Subconsciously, we are seeking ways to drive down the longing and ache from the spirit’s desire to emerge.

In this time when our culture is undergoing a shift, the external world we relied so heavily on is changing course, we are at various stages of grief. Some are accepting, some are angry, some are still in denial, and some could be a combination of all depending on the day. The system of which the social self built itself around is a moving target - and our social self is freaking out. The spirit, though, is steadfast and vigilant, and remains the same. Depending on where we are in our social self conditioning, we could be tuning in to the delicate whispers, or living our truth inside the giant roars. Our longing could be heard and satisfied, could be slightly louder than the dull aches and mis-identified cravings, or buried so deep within us we are experiencing physical and emotional pain. Because our conditioning is, in fact, traumatizing to the spirit, leading to disharmony (dis-ease).

I lived most of my 20’s and 30’s in this chronic state. I was spirited and driven with passion and desire — yet the society in which I lived and created around me didn’t approve. I grew up in a home where perfection and achievement was demanded. I had to be perfect for the external world to accept me, decide my worth, tell me I was valuable, tell me what to do. For the next 2 decades I fought for approval and my self-worth to be determined by others. Seduced by concepts, programs, fancy and expensive coaches touting they could fix me, over and over - thinking this will be the thing that makes me better, this will give me value, this will “fix me” and finally that longing feeling will go away. I tried to drink it away, run it away, green smoothie it away, relationship it away, move to different places to get it to go away, followed entrepreneurs and leaders who I thought were guru’s or smarter than me, just to get the noise to stop, fought my way up business ladders to find peace, changed my appearance to change the inner noise, and spent it away. Up and down I went on various rides and extremes, when all along, rather than constantly attempting to annihilate the voice, I only needed to embrace her, and listen.

I learned in order to become free, I needed guidance and training from those skilled in this area to undo the conditioning. We can’t see what we’ve designed to presumably keep us secure and alive, and we can’t seek guidance from sources that knowingly or unknowingly are designed around quieting the inner wisdom desires — only adding more conditioning on to what society deems as “goals” and “achievements,” encouraging us to go for the new house, car, trips, luxury experiences and helping us build up the means to achieve, without ever doing the process work to uncover the longing.

At first I resisted doing this. It felt too woo-woo and icky. I felt far more comfortable setting weight loss goals and celebrating a big purchase to cover up the pain. How could something I spent the last 2 decades on learning to master (I had all this material I knew!!!) be off? I worked so hard at finding a successful woman’s way in this world. I thought.

When I surrendered and became willing, showing up as my own hero, and not waiting for someone else to save me, I was reminded that all the hurt was helping guide me back to my inner spirit, and by leaning in just a little, allowing my spirit to emerge, the deep longing began to heal. The cravings I had in which I convinced myself could only be satisfied by external things; money, relationships, clothes, status, material items, (the list goes on) were attempts at my social self looking to be loved and liked. When all along, I simply need to tune in to my spirit and say, “I love you, I hear you, and I haven’t forgotten about you.” And day by day, I show up, surrendering space and time to allow her to show up and participate. And day by day, I lean in to my community of truth seekers and spirit guardians to guide me home to her.

I want to remind you, the pain, craving, or longing you feel is information for you.

I want to remind you, life doesn’t have to be hard.

I want to remind you, when you listen to her whispers, and give her permission to be heard, to be herself (the one who takes deep sighs when you have a moment alone, or dances wildly when no one is around), she is actually a force for a greater good, to help you shine your light on the world, and heal the world around you.

I want to remind you, you are safe to come home now.

She is waiting. The world is waiting.

The mourning of what we perceive as a loss of time, money, and experiences, is actually a mourning for the loss of an identity we worked so hard for. How can we “be” if we aren’t “doing” the things  we’ve conditioned ourselves to believe that we “are”? In the great stillness within the chaos of 2020, emotions are rising. Pain, confusion, uncertainty, discontent, hopelessness, desperation, fear, frustration, and at times, hope, humor, joy, and celebration. We feel these feelings for ourselves, and we feel them for others - taking on their pain. Some are recognizing a resiliency they never knew they had, and some are experiencing deep feelings of loss and disorientation. Businesses and leadership are hurting. The path that was forged, doesn't seem as clear anymore.

Unsettled feelings arise through the belief that there is something outside of ourselves that will make us right, fix us, make it better, or show us how to be something we're not.

How can we be O.K.?

This period of the dramatic shift in  our lifestyles has not been as hard as it could've been for me. The only difference  between me and others who are struggling with the stillness amidst the chaos, is that 3 years ago, the illusion I created around my identity and what I thought it was, shattered. The breakdown around this illusionary "self" was brought on by a long series of events that kept knocking me over, throwing me onto the pavement and leaving me in pieces, until I finally woke up. I’m grateful for every one of those gut-wrenching, challenging experiences, because each one kept rerouting me toward my truth. I was living a lie and I didn’t know it. I believed a story I  was telling myself, and that society supported and helped condition me to believe. A story that something "out there" - that I just couldn't attain - yet - was going to help me feel O.K. But this time, as I lay balled up on the floor frozen in fear and physical pain, I knew I had a choice – either continue on this path believing I still knew better and all the right ways, or I could let go and surrender and finally accept true, unconditional help, follow my mentors and guides and programs, and see what really happens.

I didn't know myself anymore, and I was grateful for it.

As it would be, everything I ever wanted and needed I already had within me, and everything I "lost" I didn't need or actually want. Ever since then, the path toward my truth has been unbelievably rewarding and fulfilling and soaked in joy. The pain was in the fight for something I thought I didn't have yet and still needed to attain, and that was killing me. Turns out, I had it, and I was O.K.

Surrendering is a gift. There is wisdom in your pain. Lean in to it, it's trying to tell you something. When you're in your truth, you are O.K.

Being still can be scary. Going deep to harness your truth can be even scarier. The good news is, is that you don’t have to do it alone. I learned it takes courage. It takes finding that inner hero. And people like us? We're up for the challenge. We know, intuitively, there's a message here.

We know, deep down, we're capable of getting through things that are uncomfortable and hard, survive it learning new ideas and skills, and G R O W from the experience.

If you're willing to take my hand, I can help guide you, too, to what's already there. With Love, Brandi

Often leaders don’t realize their trauma is leading their business.

Countless times I’ve seen leaders make choices without processing their ideas, vision, concepts, or choices, by a trained coach or trusted advisor. They base their decisions off their “instincts” and programmed belief systems.

    The problem?

They don’t realize their trauma is running them and dictating their decisions, and now their business has become a manifestation of their trauma.

    The result?

Their business becomes yet another point of pain and unhappiness because they’ve kept alive their hurts (often unknowingly), and the even bigger issue? The team members that work alongside them are now impacted by the physically manifested trauma and pain of their boss (without actual realization of this).

And, at an even deeper level, the team members that exist within this microcosm of trauma are likely re-creating their own traumas, attracted to his leader for whatever pain they provide to fulfill their unresolved issue.

This all leads to a sick and toxic business, and leaders attracting and supporting team members that will never take them to their next level, because unconsciously they are re-creating what they’ve always known, and pushing away anyone or anything that will break them out of their familiar cycle.

Does your business hurt? Does it feel too familiar? Did it feel really exciting at first and now it feels like everything else in your life has felt?

You say to yourself “here I am again,” or “how did I get HERE, again?”

Do you find yourself relating to certain team members as if they were a sister, brother, parent, cousin, ex-boyfriend or girlfriend or even your current partner?  

Do you often feel confronted or angry or annoyed when team members bring issues to you? Do you roll your eyes?

Does this kind of talk seem trivial and not business-related or too big to take on?

Business is not supposed to feel so hard and up-hill.

LIVING IN THE WORLD OF AND

I sat across from two highly successful and driven women this last week, in coaching workshop.

Both worked their butts off in school, driven to be able to provide for themselves and their families, and give their kids the best lives they could have. Their offices were successful. Yet here they sat; both tense with fear that if they left their offices for too long, the success would crumble, and they’d lose allll that security they built. Built entirely out of fear.

The mindset is often like this: I feel scared, so I will do everything in my power to avoid that pain and control the outcome, at whatever cost.

The cost? Not enjoying time with their kids. It’s an endless and defeating loop.

Both of them cracked open during the course, filling their faces with tears, sharing “I just want to be with my kids. I want to make memories with them. I miss them. All I want to do is be a mom.” The pain was palpable.

The story is so familiar. I see it all the time. The answer isn’t “work hard and have a successful business and make the sacrifices and suffer OR be a stay at home mom.” There does exist a world were you can feel in alignment with what you want – be a successful business owner AND be a mom, partner, active family member - even if at this moment, it feels impossible.

If you want to have a conversation and stop suffering in silence, let’s talk.

With love,

Brandi