#healedleader

We are all born with an innate wisdom. An inner truth. A guide. Our inner voice. Our spirit. It’s the wisdom that finds joy in creativity, community, contribution, collaboration, and love. It’s the spirit that jumps in mud puddles without abandon, throws on whatever creative outfits we conjure up, sings loudly walking down the street, and feels cradled and cared for in the arms of nature. It’s the spirit that stops to curiously watch with awe a bee pollinate a flower, or a storm roll in, or loses herself in a grove of trees as they bend back and forth with the wind. She doesn’t think constantly if this is OK, or how horrible her body is, or if she is really loved.

Then we change. In time, our spirits get bullied, told they’re wrong, to be quiet, sit down, stand up, go over there, be more of this and less of that, be bold but not too much, be smart and talented, but stay humble. Fit in or get out. The spirit and its voice get stripped down and quieted, and a new self emerges. The social self that’s trained and also very smart. So smart, it has a way to get us through life fitting in without ever being really present. So smart is has us believe this is who we are, no questions asked. So loud and powerful, it takes over the inner spirit’s voice until it’s a faint, if barely heard whisper, no longer in the mind, but finding solace in the body. The new self wins. 

But the victory is not forever.

While our spirit is silenced, we feel a dull ache in our hearts. A longing we can’t put our finger on. The feeling is familiar, but we can’t define what it is. Somewhere between the two worlds of the external world and the world of the spirit, we live, in the static, in the noise. In this space, our lives are often uncomfortable, leading us to insatiable cravings we try to fill.

The discomfort manifests itself in to a belief that something is wrong with us. Never feeling satisfied, we get seduced by concepts and ideas and materials looking for ways to “feel good.” Subconsciously, we are seeking ways to drive down the longing and ache from the spirit’s desire to emerge.

In this time when our culture is undergoing a shift, the external world we relied so heavily on is changing course, we are at various stages of grief. Some are accepting, some are angry, some are still in denial, and some could be a combination of all depending on the day. The system of which the social self built itself around is a moving target - and our social self is freaking out. The spirit, though, is steadfast and vigilant, and remains the same. Depending on where we are in our social self conditioning, we could be tuning in to the delicate whispers, or living our truth inside the giant roars. Our longing could be heard and satisfied, could be slightly louder than the dull aches and mis-identified cravings, or buried so deep within us we are experiencing physical and emotional pain. Because our conditioning is, in fact, traumatizing to the spirit, leading to disharmony (dis-ease).

I lived most of my 20’s and 30’s in this chronic state. I was spirited and driven with passion and desire — yet the society in which I lived and created around me didn’t approve. I grew up in a home where perfection and achievement was demanded. I had to be perfect for the external world to accept me, decide my worth, tell me I was valuable, tell me what to do. For the next 2 decades I fought for approval and my self-worth to be determined by others. Seduced by concepts, programs, fancy and expensive coaches touting they could fix me, over and over - thinking this will be the thing that makes me better, this will give me value, this will “fix me” and finally that longing feeling will go away. I tried to drink it away, run it away, green smoothie it away, relationship it away, move to different places to get it to go away, followed entrepreneurs and leaders who I thought were guru’s or smarter than me, just to get the noise to stop, fought my way up business ladders to find peace, changed my appearance to change the inner noise, and spent it away. Up and down I went on various rides and extremes, when all along, rather than constantly attempting to annihilate the voice, I only needed to embrace her, and listen.

I learned in order to become free, I needed guidance and training from those skilled in this area to undo the conditioning. We can’t see what we’ve designed to presumably keep us secure and alive, and we can’t seek guidance from sources that knowingly or unknowingly are designed around quieting the inner wisdom desires — only adding more conditioning on to what society deems as “goals” and “achievements,” encouraging us to go for the new house, car, trips, luxury experiences and helping us build up the means to achieve, without ever doing the process work to uncover the longing.

At first I resisted doing this. It felt too woo-woo and icky. I felt far more comfortable setting weight loss goals and celebrating a big purchase to cover up the pain. How could something I spent the last 2 decades on learning to master (I had all this material I knew!!!) be off? I worked so hard at finding a successful woman’s way in this world. I thought.

When I surrendered and became willing, showing up as my own hero, and not waiting for someone else to save me, I was reminded that all the hurt was helping guide me back to my inner spirit, and by leaning in just a little, allowing my spirit to emerge, the deep longing began to heal. The cravings I had in which I convinced myself could only be satisfied by external things; money, relationships, clothes, status, material items, (the list goes on) were attempts at my social self looking to be loved and liked. When all along, I simply need to tune in to my spirit and say, “I love you, I hear you, and I haven’t forgotten about you.” And day by day, I show up, surrendering space and time to allow her to show up and participate. And day by day, I lean in to my community of truth seekers and spirit guardians to guide me home to her.

I want to remind you, the pain, craving, or longing you feel is information for you.

I want to remind you, life doesn’t have to be hard.

I want to remind you, when you listen to her whispers, and give her permission to be heard, to be herself (the one who takes deep sighs when you have a moment alone, or dances wildly when no one is around), she is actually a force for a greater good, to help you shine your light on the world, and heal the world around you.

I want to remind you, you are safe to come home now.

She is waiting. The world is waiting.