I’ve had a breakthrough. I’ve come to realize that all the problems i have with my brother stem from me putting him on a pedestal and giving him attributes he never possessed. I made up a person I wanted as a brother, ignored all his horrible behavior, and red flags because he groomed me as a child. I believed he was an inherently good person when in reality, he’s a garbage person. And if we were not blood related, I would have never befriended him. He is the type of person I steer away from. In order to normalize/justify his behavior, I made up a version of him that truly loved me. Infused this imaginary person with all my good characteristics: loyal, kind, reliable, responsible, rick solid, the person i could count on to have my back. Instead…he is the opposite of that, and only puts on a mask for people.
Grieving a person that never actually existed is a different kind of grief. I see everything clearly now. And I hate that I gave him space and didn’t turn my back on him, as I should’ve done. But i was groomed, brainwashed, to accept his treatment and call it love. And now that I am not playing his game…he is truly being himself. Yay for me.
