petrified

Burton "Gus" Guster. Character of all time. His middle name should be "Yes And". He is ride or die but he will kvetch about it. He is literally screaming crying throwing up. He's divorced. He has strong opinions about Pluto. He almost joined a cult. He claims his bestie on his taxes. He can tap dance and sing like a pro. He blogs about marine animals. He has so many niche interests. His bestie had to blackmail his boss to allow him to continue running around solving crime. He accurately deciphered the text message "binshot not lol". He went undercover as a model. He's not over losing the spelling bee as a child. He owns a shirt advertising cold sore medicine. He drove a stolen car to San Francisco to be with his bestie and only turned around 12 times. He's a sympathetic crier.

Also me when I remember how I pulled and grabbed at his shirt and pulled him closer to me and closed the distance between us by putting my face closer to his and it felt like I was almost on my tippy toes and how the tension and desperation was palpable and LISTEN ITS NOT LIKE I TRY TO THINK ABOUT THESE THINGS but I was watching tv and a character grabbed someone by their shirt the way I did and yeah… ANYWAYS

Do I miss him? Yes. Does almost everything remind me of him? Yes. Do I picture my future with him in it? Yes. Is it actually gonna happen that way? Probably not. Am I gonna be able to stay here and be around him? Probably not. Is the best thing for me to do move away? Logically, sure. Do I know what I’m doing or will do with my life? Absolutely not. Does it feel like I have anyone there for me? Absolutely not. I feel absolutely alone right now. But the thing is, when I move away I’m gonna be alone too. I don’t see how I can form connections again. I just want to be happy again. Consistently.

Thinking about the last time I spoke to him and how soft and nervous he sounded. I wonder why. Did he miss me? Was he thinking about how little time we have left? Is there something he’s not telling me yet?

what you said was very sweet and means a lot to me but i am incapable of properly responding in any way besides “thank you so much aaaah” because i do not know how to accurately express the exact level of my gratitude to where you completely understand how much what you said meant to me without me getting even more emotional and looking like a fucking nerd: an autobiography