Chronically Unfinished

So far I've been doing a little at a time, and giving myself a mindbreak, then going back to doing something like cleaning, or chores, etc.

having such an attachment to where them physically not being around you (even though they're still physically on this earth) has an impact.

for the longest time I never understood it, how people missed someone even though you'd see them a few hours later

It wasn't like missing someone that has died, where you'll never see them again.

but this week (most weeks) I really miss my boyfriend. He's away for work, as he does every weekend. I love him just being in the same room as me, we don't even have to talk.

I love being able to glance over at him and just admire his beauty, and just think what did I do to deserve someone like you.

Whew, I've been so busy the last few days.

So I'll start by saying I had a bad case of RSV. My 12 week old also had it but luckily he handled it very well, just a mild cough and a snotty nose.

I saw my psychiatrist, still confused whether I have bipolar, ADHD, both, or a mood dysregulation. Pretty confident on the ADHD however.

I got divorced yesterday, and had a bunch of feelings, all negative. Not that I miss my ex, because I don't, but I was married for a total of 9 years 4 months exactly yesterday. I separated 2 years ago, roughly. I went between starting to cry, and then stopping about 3 or 4 times while just sitting in the courtroom. Mainly because I got married, and never thought I'd be in the position that I was in.

I was also just disappointed in my ex's actions for the last 8-9 years that lead up to this as well.

tw; grief, loss of a loved one, cancer.

I love pictures because you can always see something, compare it to something, see differences, etc.

My father passed away almost a month before I took this photo.

To me I look tired, like I was just taking a picture just because I haven't in awhile. The picture I have right before this one I remember I took after I was done crying, my dad was still alive but he had his expiration date set and was declining rapidly.

It was an unintentional photo honestly, I had zoned out.

Loss, and grief, is weird.

I've lost my Uncle and My grandmother, who were like my substitute dad & mom when they couldn't be there for me. But nothing hit me as hard as losing my dad.

I remember thinking and feeling. "What am I going to do now?" I knew what I had to do, because I had kids and I was pregnant at the time. But still. It felt like a hole was in my heart where his place used to be, and it still feels that way.

I still cry, I still can't believe he's gone. I still have things happen and I get the urge to call or text him and let him know, and the realization hits that I can't do that anymore.

He's no longer a phone call away. He's no longer just in the next room.

I've had issues as a child. Mom was ashamed of herself for being hooked on drugs; so she chose to not be around me as often. My dad was in jail for the first 4 years. My grandmother didn't want to talk about feelings, or anything, essentially we talked about nothing unless we were physically bleeding. My uncle spoiled me, but when my dad got home from jail and wanted to resume caring for me, there was hostility and aggression. what I got from this was abandonment issues, and an inability to communicate how I'm feeling.

When I was 15 I was groomed by my brothers best friend. He played the part that catered to my depression and insecurities, knew the words to get me to stay, and the words to keep my self esteem at an all time low. When he felt me pulling away, he used sweet and kind words. "I'll do better", "I'll change", "I love you", but that only lasted, the longest, 2 weeks. I finally got the courage to leave when I was 19.

But then I got with who is now going to be my ex-husband.

He played the part too, so nice, sweet, complimented me every day, made me feel good about myself for the most part. There were red-flags, I ignored them. Like getting mad and hanging up on me and refusing to talk to me because I enjoyed the Xbox360 over the Playstation 3.

But I still moved in with him, and I stayed, regardless of him putting his hand around my neck because I teased him and asked if he wanted a Capitals jersey.

I also married him when he bit my lip because he got mad that I beat him at a game of yugioh.

but he said nice things to me, he told me he loved me, he said I was pretty, I was smart, I was funny

but he also said I was a bitch, a cunt, a dumb whore, a robot. and out of fear of the unknown, I stayed. I stayed when I tried to leave him, and he wrapped his hands around my neck. I stayed when he wanted me to suffer so much, because I tried to leave, and he reminded me every day that all of our friends, all of our co-workers, hated me, they hated me because of what I did to him. I stayed when I told him Kelly had gotten us a gift for our baby, and he responded with "you know, they hate you right? they all hate you" I even stayed when... He smacked our 2 month old son across the face for crying when he was trying to sleep. So I never left our son alone with him again. He told our daughter to stop being "retarded" I pulled him aside and told him if he ever said something like that to her again I was going to break his nose. I stayed when he told me if I left, he was going to kill himself. I stayed when he said it again and again and again I stayed when he told me he was going to kill himself and I responded "good, so I wont have to deal with this anymore" I stayed when he got us evicted the first time, by refusing to work. I tried to get him help, mental help, called for appointments, tried to get him to go therapy, I did everything I could. Then, I left. I left when we were going on 5k owed in rent. I left when our car got repossessed. I should have left when he hurt our son, and I never will forgive myself for staying after that for the next 3 years.

We got together when I was 19, I was 27 when I left. My entire 20s, gone. I was forced to stay home, if I went out, if I had friends, when I got back I had to pay for it. So now Im sitting here, wondering

A 5year 3month difference.

One on the left is pre-mental health journey, it was actually the day I officially got fed up completely, and my depression started to hit an all time low.