Anywho I went and "sized down" before checking out and I honestly can't tell if I did that because the body dysmorphia won and I believe I'm bigger than I am and that I think I'll lose a little weight to fit into these clothes or if the logical part of my brain won and I know I'm not that size I originally put.

Granted sizing is complete bullshit and it all depends on how you like the fit. Obviously I'm not going to want something that is form fitting and clinging to my body when I am already uncomfortable in it. That being said I had to keep two items in the bigger size and honestly who knows if it'll even be that much of a difference...

I hate clothes and sizes and I feel like this past fall I gradually went down in jean sizes and it was such a nice feeling and then this past spring I went from my lowest jean size back up 3 sizes like overnight and even this current one is slightly too tight and I almost bought a pair of jeans in a bigger size but honestly I would like to lose a little and not in a bad way maybe in a toned way.

Maybe one day.

It's nice being home with my boys and having a day to unwind and refresh my place and relax/regather myself before heading back to work.

Right now I work Thursday-Sunday and my shift on Thursday used to be my favorite (putting up sale tags vs shopping for online orders the other 3 days) but now I dread it and maybe it's partly due to it being my "Monday" and the start of my work week but also I think I'm just going from one place to the other with no time in between just.. I honestly can't think of the word. Oh well.

So now I have 4 nights at my place and then on Sunday after work I'll head back up to NH.

Tonight I'm getting dinner with my Nana and maybe playing a game afterward, not too sure. I lowkey want to go for a walk, maybe invite a friend, I don't know.

But later on tonight when I'm home for the night I'm going to do some deep cleaning. Sweeping, swiffering, cleaning off the counters and sink. I want to or maybe I'll save it for another day, move my bedroom and living room furniture around, make a nice change.

Tomorrow I have an appointment at 2:30 and then work 4-9.

Friday morning I'm getting breakfast with my friend and then I have work 12-6:30 and then I go to the boys for RuPauls.

Saturday I'm working 12-7. No plans before or after maybe I'll do a little Instacart.

I've always been aware that you can't think yourself into a happy mood, that sometimes there's no reason for feeling sad. I think my current life is really proving this point and it's so frustrating cause normally circumstances in my life influence my mood and depression but lately taking a step back, things are pretty great but my mood or moods I should say are complete shit. I feel so low and sad sometimes and there's no reason. Especially when I'm in such a supportive and healthy relationship. I don't want this to become our normal. I don't want to push him away and burn him out.