Kitchen/Backroom

clean cat litter

add more food and water

vacuum cat hair tumbleweeds in backroom 🙃

sweep backroom

clean off counters and microwave

fill ice trays

empty out sink (clean like 2 cups lol)

sweep kitchen and fridge room

Bedroom

fold misc clothes/clear off tops of dressers

sweep bedroom and hallways

vacuum/make the bed

clean mirrors

Bathroom

do a load of towels

sweep

clean toilet and sink/countertop

clean mirror

wipe down tub

pick up clothes/shoes

Living Room

sweep

vacuum couches

wash blanket

wipe down tables

Other To Do

cook dinner

start some onboarding tasks for new job

look for places for vaccines

email new boss about set schedule timeline

email onboarding person about other tasks

email case worker about appointment next week

re-do monthly calendar on the fridge

His brother/roommate is taking care of the girls this week and honestly I'm kind of looking forward to having this week to really reset myself and my place. Before therapy earlier I was listening to an audiobook and really got into it. I sent my friend who recommended it to me a text telling him how excited I was to go home after and continue listening to it while I deep cleaned my place.

Then I got home and felt emotionally drained. I finally got out of bed a little bit ago, set on making some dinner- TJ's meatless orange "chicken" and some rice. I was mentally thinking about my week ahead and also adding "redo monthly calendar on fridge" when I had the thought to just push "cleaning" to Wednesday after work when it dawned on me that I made plans for tomorrow evening at my place....

I've been so busy this past week helping my cousin in NH move and as much as my Nana urks me at times I'm also not keen on alienating her from my life. I feel bad that I haven't seen her lately except brief moments in passing. Anyways I originally made plans to have dinner and play Yahtzee tonight but after therapy all I wanted was the day to myself.

I feel so silly because me and him didn’t fight or anything, I left his place this morning and everything is how it usually is but ever since he got back from his trip, things have felt different and I’ve been questioning things. Just to have a little background information I started saying the L word about a month or two ago. We’ve talked about that a couple times now because he isn’t ready to say it back yet and I really respect his honesty and not just telling me what I wanna hear. It does play part but it’s not the only or the main reason I’m questioning things. I’m driving and using speech to text (editing this now outside the coffee shop lol) but just saying these words out loud scares the shit out of me and I know therapy later is gonna be an emotional shit show.

I don’t want to end things. I can see a future with him. I’m just questioning if he can still see one with me. And we’ve had this specific talk before and he said he would be honest if he ever felt like that wasn’t the case anymore. Like I said things have just felt different since he got back from his trip. I’m worried about talking about this in therapy and her feedback on all of this. Big part of the reason why I can’t talk to my friend….

I almost said “racing thoughts” but to be honest I feel an eerily sort of calm about all this. And by “all this” I mean my plans moving forward. To sum it up I need to pull back, distance myself, share a lot less. It feels sad in a way but it’s also a very cathartic feeling too.

I came to some realizations and breaking points tonight. While I want to rant and over share on here, it would break a rule. Which I just came up with as I’m typing. I feel like I need to make some rules moving forward. In the past hour I was viewing it as “guidelines”, and now I’m imaging tomorrow morning and playing out the scene in my head and getting side tracked and losing my train of thought.

Not sharing on here, not posting ranting Instagram stories, not sharing with coworkers or friends and especially not my friend who’s moving home this weekend. Especially not her. Even tomorrow, my first outing after this big “revelation” (god I feel like there’s a better word for this), I’m hanging with my cousin for the day. I’m going to want to talk to her about this and honestly I’m not 100% certain I won’t say something but I really really just want to keep things more private moving forward. Private is how I intend to keep things from now on.

It’s going to feel sad at first but I need to this. I need to pull back with so many aspects of my life including with him and that’s the biggest part that’s going to hurt the most. I’ll be vague and say this much: I’m not ending things, not breaking up, but going to pull back.

He was still in bed so I made us some toast and we just lounged for a bit. Then his older cat started crying downstairs which meant one of two things, either she wanted attention or the litter needed to be changed lol. He said he spent some time on the couch with her early so I went to check the litter. When I got down there she was crying in the kitchen but I still went to check the litter in the basement.

When I got down I went back up to his room to find the two of them sleeping peacefully. I wish I could have taken a photo but my phone (and my new book) were under my pillow and she was sprawled out in front of it and he had his arm on her. I couldn't dare bring myself to disturb them and luckily I left my laptop in my duffle on the floor so I grabbed it and headed back down to the living room.