Stay Weird✌️

I’m sorry if I sound crazy right now, it’s just that, I’m going crazy. And I’m feeling alone. And you’re next to me. I shouldn’t feel alone with you here. You aren’t listening when I’m talking. There’s blood in my mouth from biting the inside of my cheek so hard. And you’re asking about my day. I’m sorry I can’t answer right now or even think right now. I might crash my car on my way home from your house, lay my head down on the steering wheel and pretend it’s your lap. Are you understanding me now? Do you hear me? I think I’m not making sense I think my head is too loud. I hope you still like me tomorrow. Because I don’t like me now and I don’t remember a time when I did.

“The more you fear something, the more power you give it.”

My desires in a relationship have changed over time. I no longer want someone who promises to always love me and never leave me, I need someone who understands that life happens and sometimes things don’t work out. I don’t want someone who sugar coats things and never gets angry with me, I need someone to tell me how it really is and put me in my place. I need to be able to go five hours without talking to you and not feel lost or incomplete. I am complete without you. But with you, I want to be so much better. I want to be stronger with you. I want us to grow together and help each other grow individually. I don’t need you, but I really fucking want you. And this may not work out, but the fact that you understand all of this and this how our relationship works, makes me think we’ve got a pretty good shot.

You are more than a significant other to me. You are an essential other.

You’re six years old and someone calls you ugly or fat, and that’s your first scar. Reality breaks into your house and tells you that your mother’s words aren’t the truth once you walk out of that roof; the girl next to you doesn’t want to be your friend because she doesn’t like the way your hair looks; and the boy doesn’t want to play tag with you because he thinks you run too slow. Then you’re 16 and the boy you first loved decided to pick up his things, take parts of you, and leave. He was never heard from again, so, you go out and try to find him in everyone else you meet. In strangers, you try to find comfort, and in friends, you live under pretense. Suddenly, you’re in your 20s without a sense of direction. Both the boys who didn’t choose you don’t mean much anymore when you’ve lost yourself. Maybe you should have majored in business during college, or maybe you should have chose a different career path than the one you’re on now; and when you look at your bank account, it’s emptier than your wallet. You wonder if everyone you pass in the streets are in the same boat, sailing in the same rocky seas. And then, you tell yourself it’s too late. But, it’s never too late to start over. Half of us are trying to figure out what we’re meant to do in this life, and the other half know what they’re meant to do but not how. Each day is a stepping stone, it’s an opportunity to start. Despite past mistakes, wounds, and regrets, the Earth is still spinning, and you too will move along with it. Growth is never postponed until tomorrow, you can start now. It is never too late to heal and start again.

I’ve wanted to kill myself a hundred times, but somehow I am still in love with life.

PSYCHOLOGY FACT #1

Be happy for no reason, like a child. If you are happy for a reason, you’re in trouble, because that reason can be taken from you.