Really good day yesterday. I made myself sleep before midnight the night before, so I woke up at 11.30am. I also made myself get out of bed instead of laying in it all day. It never helps.

I got some cleaning done and ate good food, and I started to feel better. My headache went away too.

I had a telephone mental health assessment today to get the right treatment finally, only I froze up and went mute on the phone, so I had to rearrange for an in person assessment, which I prefer. But, I have massive guilt for wasting their time and resources. I was also petrified that L would be ashamed of me and angry with me, but he wasn't. He was super supportive and kind and understood. It helped massively; I was able to stop crying and slowly felt better.

I'm recognising that the longer I keep myself awake, the worse I'm feeling, yet I'm doing nothing about it. I've been falling asleep for hours, but I can't put my phone down just yet.

It's the one thing that keeps my thoughts somewhat quiet. The second the lights go off, and they start creeping in. Slowly at first. Little tiny bugs crawling around my messed up little brain. Then somebody may as well be smashing my head against the wall. Batter it until there's nothing left, please :)

One day away from from L, and it's like everything that's happened has just disappeared. Was he even here? Was I imagining it all? Laying with him, kissing him, being intimate, him telling me he loves me. How could he? The thought is just obscene.

I want to cherish any moment I have with him from now on. I don't know how long it's going to last. When will he get sick of everything? Having to baby me, reassure me, tell me everything is fine, and feel responsible for my emotions. He doesn't want a baby; he wants a woman. Somebody who can give him exactly what HE gives.