Shit Thoughts (18+)

Now that I am not living with my ex, surprise surprise, my psychosis has stopped. Was my psychosis the worst it's ever been when I was with him? Uh, yeah. Was he a terrible boyfriend and I was just blinded by my fping him? Uh, yeah. He was a jackass.

But that's one of the horrible things about bpd. It's so easy to invalidate your emotions, because it's impossible to know when you're having a traumatic response to something, or someone is actually being a piece of shit.

If I have an extreme emotional response to someone treating me poorly and they go, "Hey, you're having a bpd episode right now, what I did actually wasn't that bad, you just have trauma."

I will believe them. Almost 100% of the time, which makes me an easy target for abuse. Unfort. Guess what guys, I haven't dated anyone since my ex because I physically can't put myself in emotionally intimate situations anymore for that exact reason. L reaction.

I get anxiety whenever I see a car that looks like his, or a person I mistake as him. If I feel that badly about my ex, he probably was never really that great to begin with.

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Anyway, I'm doing a lot better. Well, ok... am I in a living situation where I moved in with someone I thought was my friend and then they got really mad and hit me? ......yeah...... was 2022 hands down the worst year of my life ever and that's saying something..UM FUCKING YES JESUS CHRIST IT WAS LIKE A DARK COMEDY. Is 2023 cracking out to be a total shitshow? Yes oh my god I don't understand what is happening. Like it can't all be me. Ya know?

But on the emotional regulation scale? I'm doing a lot better. Going back to therapy has literally saved my life like two or three times over at this point. And so have friends. For the first time in my life I have a group of like real solid friends.

Oh my god also for the first time in my life I've been validating my emotions?? Which is apparently different from ignoring them and also different from wallowing? Who knew lmao.

I take care of myself. I don't drink or partake in other substances that often (please note that I am not saying those things are bad. They are neutral. Assigning morality to a drug is needlessly cruel to yourself and/or others). Which has helped remove part of the unstable feeling in my life (and has also made me feel very boring and like a big ol' loser)

UGH you know what else helps?? A goddamn stupid ass sleeping schedule. NO I don't recommend it, it's so fucking annoying. Giving yourself a bedtime as an adult is the most embarrassing thing in the world. But guess what? I feel so much better with it. Less like a worthless piece of shit. SAME WITH WALKING EVERYDAY ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME AND EATING STUPID MEALS NOT JUST GRAZING ALL DAY OR NOT EATING AT ALL LIKE MY DUMBASS NEGLECTFUL PARENTS TAUGHT ME TO DO - jesus.

Am I cured? Neurotypical even? fuck no. Am I going through a depressive episode as I write this, running off of 3 hours of sleep? fuck yes I am.

But instead of taking steps to make it worse (e.i. not eat all day and drink nothing but caffeine and purposely triggering myself) I'm gonna be taking steps to make it better (indulge in positive activities that gives my brain dopamine, and take a goddamn nap when i get off work).

DISCLAIMER: This is not a holier than thou post, or a "and then I drank water once and now my whole life is fixed" post. I am grinding through about 4-5 hours (at least) of active self care everyday. And it's a lot, and yeah I want to wallow in the "why do i have to be the one who cleans up the mess other people left in me" and sometimes I let myself (because you're allowed to be upset about it and work through it - two apposing things can be true at the same time thank you and fuck you DBT therapy you suck and i love you), but...

Ok storytime

Last fall I was SA'd and after it happened I wanted self harm. I stood in front of the mirror looking at myself, and out loud I went, "So many people have hurt you, and you just want to be loved."

I realized, if so many other people had hurt me, why should I add to hurting me. I just want someone to care for me like the child I feel like I am. And it's been proven over and over again that no one else will, so why don't I step up to the plate?

I deserve to get better, out of spite >:) - and also because i decided feeling bad was so not mysterious and cool and I am literally nothing if i'm not mysterious and cool

(ps getting better is not invalidating the things that happened to you and the way they made you feel and moving on, it's working through things so 5 year old you -and 25 year old you- is finally safe)

OR I don't know, I'm astrologically a fixed sign and 2022 was supposed to be transformative so now I'm just different. Ugh, I'm such a Scorpio.

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