Borakia

Today we had recap on one of our courses. You seemed nice at first. You told us various ways of how to find books online and acrticles for our BA paper, but then again...at the end you changed. You made me think you’re biased( but the other way around, like...when you don’t want to deal with someone kinda). Am I analyzing too much? I hope so, because the thought of having one of my professors just dislike me as a person( without even knowing me) makes me nauseous. I always feel a difference in the way you speak to the others. Am I right, or are you just moody? I thought of that too. Being busy with academic stuff plus a kid is always hard. BUT again, why me, and why her? We were in that room, you, me and her. You told her right to her face while I was still there just listening. You told her you didn’t like how she managed stuff and how you two didn’t quite get along these past few months. You told her you called and that she didn’t answer. I knew, and she knew: you didn’t call at all. While you were criticizing her in the most shadiest way possible, I stood there and just listened. And all I could think was: “Again, she’s doing it again. Everytime I think she’s nice she does something to ruin that image.Why...why...WHY??”. When you stopped speaking I looked at her. She didn’t react and seemed as if she ignored everything. Her expression blank. Still doing some papers. I swallowed my spit and just waited. You didn’t say anything more. It was complete silence. She finished, we greeted goodbye and left. In that moment, while I was slowly closing the door as to not disturb the silence- in that moment, the door became a wall between us and you. I felt it. I felt every inch of disgust and rejection that was coming from you. I felt it stay in my throat till I couldn’t swollow anymore. And all I could think was “why”.

1. Today I found two beautiful paintings on Instagram:

2. I found my cute pencil case which I had though I lost forever~

3. I’ve just ordered ramen, and I’ve been craving it these days so I can’t wait for it to arrive @.@

+ It’s not my turn to open the door for the delivery guy hehe

But the thing is, there’s this friend who keeps getting angry whenever I’m sad because I “fuck up” their day. And they tell me stuff like that quite often, whichmakes me get even more sad and it honestly sucks. Like, I don’t have the right to be sad? It’s not like I like it and do it on purpose. I asked them that, about the ‘having the right’ thing. And they sad that they also have the right to be angry. But I see these situations so different. Being sad doesn’t make me actively hurt people, shout at them or whatever. It just makes me laugh less, maybe sob a little and not really talk. When this friend is angry though, they call me names, shout at me, they get frustrated easily and scoff often. And to be honest, all I do is stay sad in my little bubble until I feel better...

Today, at some point, I got a little frustrated. I told them this is a matter of respect. And they immediately shut me down with a “cut the bullshit”-type of line. I guess this is the problem that bugs me. I don’t feel respected as a friend by this person and that makes me feel a litte bit down...

Thank you, N.

I didn’t really think someone would actually write to me about that and seeing your response made me feel better. Like I was heard. I usually have this thing with having my words misunderstood and I hate it sometimes. But you got them. As of talking about it with anybody, I don’t think that’s for me. At least right now. I like getting my thoughts out there but I don’t do it so people would talk to me. I guess it’s just a way to ease my heart a little and to show others that they are not alone, I also struggle, everyone struggles at some point. I prefer dealing with stuff on my own when it comes to individual development. Thank you though, people like me need words like yours.

If I see one more episode about Mirai I’m gonna flip. There’s 0 story progression and as much as I like Tenten, Kakashi and Guy, ep 108 was boring af😫