They don’t prepare you for the amount of tears that become oceans - they don’t prepare you for the thoughts of drowning in them instead of choosing to swim through them. They don’t prepare you for the incessant thoughts that become obsessions of choosing to be gone, taking the chances of the punishment of what’s to come over what you’ve already experienced, experiencing. Because maybe the pain of the Hereafter is one you’re willing to endure more than the pain of the dunyah.
I want to tell you that there will be days that you choose to be gone; that you want so badly to remove what’s within you for ease, comfort, quiet, space, peace. The days where you’re tired of trying, tired of hope, tired of being; there will be days like this. There will be nights like this. There will be waves like this;
Oceans of tears that you’d rather drown in than swim through & even as you’re drowning in them, the tears never stop.
All I can tell you is don’t go. You were created for so much more, including this pain and including relief from it. It may not be today, not now, but the pain will subside because you were meant to overcome it as much as you were meant to go through it. Your creation was intentional, deliberate - every part of your being is part of the plan of what’s to come - there’s so much else you were meant to explore, experience, live through. & as you do, please know you are not alone. You were never alone.
“We are closer to him than [his] jugular vein” [Quran 50:16]
We are to Allah - & to Allah is our return.