tw - struggling

and then lose more

10 FUCKING KILOS

all because i didnt wanna go to medical on a fucking treatment order

huge huge huge update coming for those of u who still follow me

basically since my last update, ive had numerous admissions for my ed where they tubed me no matter what, even just for fluids bc i wasnt co-operating with anything.

then in april, i made an ✨attempt✨ and had an ambulance called on me during work by my friend when she found out and i was passing out and vomiting, where they took me in and i was immediately sent into a RESUS room. basically, i went into acute liver failure and was actually about to be transferred to my main city for a transplant one morning, but miraculously that day my tests came back that my liver was finally repairing itself, and my transplant was cancelled. that whole admission was basically spent in 5-point restraints and under constant sedation, so i only remember bits and pieces.

afterwards, i made 4 more attempts as i would try every time i was discharged, and my ed service discharged me as a complex patient and transferred me to a different service, where they sectioned me on my first appointment and sent me to my town’s psych ward. i spent nearly 2 months in there under a treatment order, where they got the tribunal to put through 12 sessions of involuntary ECT. thankfully, i only completed 5 sessions before my inpatient psychiatrist decided to withdraw me from the treatment as for every session i was placed in 5-point restraints, no sedation or medication to calm me down as it would impact the general anaesthesia, and wheeled across the entire hospital surrounded by security; so he FINALLY went ‘oh, this might be bad considering her past trauma’.

i then had to stay in and i lost my other tribunal and got placed on a full treatment order, but after a couple of weeks they revoked the order as they realised i was only getting worse and feeling ‘out of control’ triggers my trauma responses.

i have received additional diagnoses of C-PTSD and BPD traits as a development of my C-PTSD, and am now beginning trauma therapy with a psychologist as well as treatment from my current service.

it will be 3 weeks tomorrow since i was discharged, and ive already been put on the admissions list back into the psych ward 4 times but i have revoked my place with every opportunity i get to as my outpatient psychiatrist refuses to let anyone section me anymore after they figured out it triggers me severely.

while i was IP they made me gain well over 10kg which is really fucking with me, but i just didnt want to be sent to medical while under an order because i know how bad it can get.

i have no intervention for my anorexia right now so its starting to really flare up again which is terrifying me, and i just dont know what to do anymore. they want me to restart ECT but on voluntary terms this time, which terrifies me because i still havent been able to process everything they did to me last time.

it really sucks ass because im trying so goddamn hard rn and i guess thats the nature of this damned illness, is that it does get hard some days. what matters, however, is that we pick ourselves back up and keep fighting, which is what ive been doing. my body is very medically unstable, where they can get me medically stable and im discharged (we only have medical wards available for ed’s), and then i have one bad day and im instantly unstable again.

however, im back seeing my old EDS (eating disorder service) team which includes a psychologist, dietitian, psychiatrist and psychiatry registrar. im seeing them twice a week and my doctor twice a week as well, so all of that plus trying to study is soo overwhelming but im doing my best!!

it provided me distraction when times were tough.

it hung out with me, all day every day.

no matter what, it was there for me.

until i was told i was dying.

until i was told i might never have kids.

until i was told i was at risk of osteoporosis at 16.

until a plate of food was put in front of me.

until i had my liver failing, my heart rate and blood pressure dangerously low, and i still wasn’t allowed to believe i was sick.

acknowledge how your eating disorder acted for you. mine was a tool of numbness, distraction, a way to achieve this need i held within myself to be good.

and let that go.

it served a purpose then, it doesn’t have to now.

after nearly two years of freedom from treatment, everything has collapsed in on me and i unknowingly reduced back to my eating disorder.

i am upset. i am terrified. i feel weak. i am angry.

after all that it took from me before, it has come back. i couldn’t even pick up on it myself. my doctor did some check ups just to make sure i was going okay in my ed aspect, and my body was showing signs of starvation again.

i don’t want to go back to treatment, because i know it will be hard. however, i will be going back. i will be going back with the experiences recovery has previously given me, and striving to achieve that freedom again.

like ‘hmm u feel sad? lets make u sadder by not eating for 73839 days!! but its ok bc u’ll be ~ s k i n n y ~’