Bold Rold

Thanks <3 <3 <3

...So is Shoma Uno, while we’re on the topic of fine figure skaters! And if I met the two of them irl, I might actually end up more attracted to him, simply due to the fact he’s an inch shorter than I am. It seems that when guys are shorter than me, I feel so much less physically threatened by them, which allows my attraction to men to actually fully manifest (aka I get Super Gay around short attractive dudes!)

I likely won’t be capable of holding a regular job. All my years upon years of schooling, and the way things are right now I just don’t have the endurance. I don’t have the energy. I’m happy I learned so much and grew into the person I am, but all the time, all the money... has it been a waste?

I wish I’d been diagnosed years ago. I wish I would’ve recognized that the gradually increasing number of “mental health days” I’d take each quarter were largely for resting my body. I wish I’d realized, as I gave up one thing after another so I’d have the energy for schoolwork, that having to do such a thing isn’t normal. Giving up having friends and going out isn’t normal. Giving up hobbies isn’t normal. Giving up clubs and other activities isn’t normal. A life of study, rest, study, rest, study, rest, study... that’s not life, and if I have to let go of everything just so I can sometimes feel okay enough to do some schoolwork, it means my body has a real physical illness I need to treat.

I wish I’d been diagnosed years ago, so I could have started improving my condition, and so I could also make plans in case my health didn’t improve. I remember marveling that people could work eight-hour days, five days a week. It seemed like a super power! But I figured I was just being dramatic, and that I’d adapt to it just fine once I was a part of the workforce. That’s what I was always told. I didn’t trust myself, didn’t trust that I knew better.

I gave up so much for my schooling, but my health has continued to worsen; and it has inevitably come to the point where I no longer have energy even for school. Now I’m extra close to graduation. A few more credits and an internship, and I’ve got my degree. But can I do that? Can I even do that? Walking is hard. Standing is hard. Thinking is hard, I’m so exhausted and in pain. I have to nap every few hours. If I overdo a physical task, I can barely walk and stand for at least a few days afterwards, sometimes a week. I don’t think I’ve even got half of the energy it’d take to even do one day of an internship, let alone the following days, for weeks!

I’ve given so much of my life to school. I wouldn’t be the person I am now without it. But has it been worth it? Will it have been worth it? So much time... so much money...

And the one thing I feel I may still be able to do, is be an artist. I can at least make a little money with that if I find a niche. Boy, I feel like a fool. All that time and money, I should’ve put towards getting an arts degree. I should’ve stood up for myself and taken the courses I wanted, not the ones I thought would get me a decent job. But the sad thing is, I didn’t have the energy to fight. I didn’t have the energy to fight for myself. Because that’s what it would have been: Constantly fighting my parents for the ability to do what I, in my heart, knew was the right path for me. Enduring their criticism, day in and day out. Enduring. Enduring. Enduring.

I don’t have that. I haven’t had it, for so long.

I thought I was enduring; but cutting away parts of life is not endurance, after all. It’s illness.

I couldn’t fight.

I wish I’d been asked what I wanted. I wish I’d been listened to instead of told what was “best for me.” Maybe I could’ve saved myself years of my life and tens of thousand of dollars.

Still fighting fibromyalgia. My pain and fatigue last quarter was so much that I even had to drop out of my single college class, which was online to boot; even that was too much for me to handle. I’m slowly trying to struggle back to my feet. I’m happy to report that I’m managing to take that one class this quarter, even if I’m not doing the best in it. Thankfully it’s one I rarely have to show up for, because it takes me a couple days to recover from just going to class.

Even so, things are gradually improving. I’ve been getting light exercise every day, and I’m wasting fewer days in a constant haze of sleepiness. Doing my schoolwork makes me feel smart again. My desire to make art is bubbling to the surface more frequently, which is nice. The only decent thing I’ve managed to draw is a sow bug tho. I’d like to try different forms of art, and I’m interested in watercolors again. Making and selling art is on my mind a whole lot now, and if I can get myself feeling relatively decent, I’d like to see if I can make and sell things! I’d feel proud if I could.

A cool thing that happened earlier this year was, I was contacted by a publisher asking if I had any new writing they could publish. Unfortunately I didn’t, but that makes me wonder whether I should invest some time into writing original stories. It’s definitely something I’m considering.

Anyway, I’m still alive and I still use this site, albeit basically just for browsing my dash at the moment. Maybe I’ll post that sow bug picture at least? Haha~ ...Well, y’all will be the first to know if (when?) I’m well enough to work hard at being an artist again. I hope you’re all doing great!

“I--very quickly--began to wish you had managed to break every bone in my body and drag me home,” Sasuke said, his voice rough and tinged with bitterness. “That would have been more humane than what he’d done.”

Naruto lowered his head, closing his eyes solemnly. “You changed after that.”

Sasuke nodded. “You felt it.”

“I did. You weren’t yourself. Your chakra was even different.”

The conversation lapsed. Sasuke didn’t respond immediately. It seemed to Naruto that Sasuke wanted to say something, but was having some difficulty. While he waited for his friend to speak, Naruto tried to relax, envisioning his worries flying away, borne lightly upon the wind. Finally Sasuke found his words, and they were quiet.

“Is it bad, how my chakra has changed...”

Sasuke gave a long sigh, trying to dislodge the ache deep in his chest. It hardly budged.

“It was bad, at first,” said Naruto. “Cold and vast, like a lifeless universe. I was desperate to feel what I once knew of you. But I was sure you were still in there, and I guess, it turns out, I was right.”

“What do you mean?”

“Your chakra’s still changing, Sasuke. Haven’t you felt it?”

He shrugged. “I guess not.”

“Even right now, it’s changing, bit by bit. It’s not bad. Not at all.”

He couldn’t bring himself to say he loved how Sasuke was changing. Naruto was aware his friend was healing; and as he healed, the best parts of him were beginning to shine through the shadows cast by his experiences. Naruto was happy for Sasuke, and proud of him. I’ll tell him one day, he resolved.

And at the top, tied in a lover’s knot, the red rose and the brier...