#boldrold

It goes like this:

The medication I started taking this year (for depression) is also partially an anti-anxiety drug, and it has worked to an extent to rid me of some of my anxiety. In the past two months or so, I’ve been forced to realize my anxiety had been one of the main things driving me. My drive and desire to do most things, including create art, almost completely vanished when my anxiety lessened. I’ve been kind of... just living, recently. Okay. Sometimes that’s all you can do.

I’m slowly trying to adapt to this, to give myself discipline or a new mindset to drive me, because I can’t rely on anxiety any more. It’s funny... you think healing is just getting rid of the negative things sometimes, but no. Sometimes you’re so used to the negative things, that you have to adapt all over to being without them, you have to learn to live without them propping you up in their twisted ways.

I had no idea I’d be affected like this. I’ve got to change as a person, at the root of my being, to adapt to decreased anxiety; otherwise I won’t get anything done, ever. I’ve got to find passion that isn’t driven by the desperation of anxiety and I’ve got to create discipline in myself so I complete work not out of fear, but for the benefits of completing it.

Thankfully, I think I’m in a place in life where I might be able to do that now.