Board by Sara

I’ve been dying to watch Harry Potter for the longest time. I just didn’t because.. I didn’t own the movies. And finally I was able to stream them for a reasonable price tonight and after al of the harmful lies that I’ve believed as a child coming to the surface lately, all I wanted was a happy escape. Another world. Something that makes me feel no negativity at all. Only happy.

I almost cried.

It’s the same thing with my tiny house in the woods.

What I really want more than anything is to escape from this world.

I am strengthened

I used to want to achieve great things... but to be honest, now I do not care as much.

I really just want peace, love, joy, and freedom.

I relinquish the fight for what the world views as success.

Death.

Lover.

Alive.

I’ve been spending hundreds of dollars at these cheap stores overseas - the ones where you have to wait 2-3 weeks to get your package.

I’ve been designing my “post-pandemic” wardrobe, buying things I mostly imagined wearing when I was able to do social things outside of my house again. Work, church, meetups.

The problem is that there’s been a disconnect between what my brain is telling me I like, when I’m browsing the sites - and what I actually like. I realized this after the last two shipments in which I tried things on and immediately turned my nose up in disgust because it “wasn’t me.”

I think, instead, I was just buying what I liked from the selection of things I thought MEN - and the handyman - would like.

I was trying to be someone I’m not in hopes of having more luck attracting what I want - a man.

Now here’s the problem with THAT:

I lack self-confidence. True, authentic confidence.

These last two times I’ve dressed up in some of these new clothes and pairs of shoes, did my hair and make up, put on lashes -

I felt even more self-conscious.

They accentuated my lack of confidence.

What’s worse is that I was the most dressed-up person each place that I wore these outfits to.

And it’s not that I don’t like to dress up, it’s not that I don’t like heels, it’s not that I never wear makeup or put on lashes - these things are not foreign to me, I’ve been doing them since college (many moons ago now)!

It’s just that... when I do that on a “normal day” or for a “normal” occasion that doesn’t necessarily merit getting dressed up here in central North Carolina, I look out of place. And it makes me feel MORE awkward, MORE self-conscious which means I feel LESS confidence when the purpose of getting that dressed up in the first place is to feel MORE confident.

It’s not working. It’s backfiring.

And the truth is that at heart I AM casual.

Yes I like heels and lashes, but like everyone else, I’ve been living in leggings throughout the pandemic and my real style is actually like pretty damn basic. I do not like frills, I do not like flowers and other patterns. I am not really THAT much of a dress person.

At the heart of it? I’m a leggings and t-shirt person.

So today I am going to the post office to return $300 of clothing that A) wasn’t truly me and B) Didn’t fit (if you’re in the U.S., don’t bother ordering from Boohoo in the U.K. Their size conversions are HORRIBLE.)

And I’ve already placed two orders of replacement items that are going to be way, way better. T-shirts. Shorts. Sneakers. Sandals. Minimal tops. Casual t-shirt dresses. And one order is even coming from a store in the states so I won’t have to wait two weeks!

I’ve decided that I need to work more on my inner confidence and less on my wardrobe - and I’m going to go back to the clothes that feel the most comfy and the most authentic.

Does he love her well?

Because a man who excels at loving a woman in a committed relationship, over the long term, is so - so - SO rare. In real life, on television, in my life.

So much so that I am desperate to find any evidence that true love, that a man who truly loves a woman passionately and devotedly years or decades into it truly exists.