thunderbolt and lightning;

Nate: So next week is spring break and I booked a trip for Amelia and I and since she can't be alone with me any chance you would want to take her place? Everything is free and paid for, js.

Are you… are you serious right now? Did you just try to use a line on me?

Either way I answer that, I don’t foresee the outcome in my favor, so I digress. Not quite the warm welcome I had been anticipating, but it is always a pleasure, Willa. 

Did she assume she’d get you fired over that expired coupon? I once heard a lady threaten it while standing in line somewhere. It was pretty funny. 

I think she expected to bend over and for me to kiss her aerobicized ass. 

[Private] Has, had…I don’t know, I don’t keep up with her love life. I’m not gonna lecture you, more making fun of you. What would I lecture you about exactly? You weren’t even loud enough for me to know anything until you left your door open with him in there. But maybe that says something about whichever of you was on top. 

[ PRIVATE ] Ouch. That almost hurt, but then, at the very least one of us is getting laid, yeah? Speaking of, how’s your right hand doing? Last I heard, you two were still going strong. 

Look at you so smart and philosophical. Still just a cashier though.

What an astute level of observation you have there, Sherlock. Tell me more -- is the sky blue? Is water wet? Do you have a stick firmly lodged up your ass?

Take a shower, hippie. By the way, the only thing suburban about any of us is that we communicate with people like you. If the Heathers were going to be housewives, we’d obviously be the ones on TV except way more self sufficient. As a district attorney, I can read the fine print–it’s my job. Still doesn’t give you an excuse to be a dick to those that might have a little trouble in that area.

Nothing about any of you is self-sufficient. If you didn’t have Chandler to wipe your asses for you, I’m absolutely sure you and the other Heather would walk around like headless chickens.

Uh yah, totally dude. I’m always here to make you feel those special butterflies, J. As for that godawful shrew and her brainless husband, I definitely gave them one of my more familiy-friendly fuck-offs. If they ever come back with that same crap, I’m for sure pulling out all the stops. Full parental advisory overload.

Remind me, should I ever piss you off, to hightail it out of Shermer quicker than that one Heather takes to run to the bathroom after a meal. 

Color me embarrassed. I have to admit, I’m the kind of guy that enjoys the occasional ball busting only Sharons can provide. However, my tastes lie in intelligence over looks. Go figure. You sound like J.D., by the way. Kinda freaky.

You say that now, but weren’t you all rainbows-and-unicorns with Little Miss Pretty Pink Princess back in high school? I doubt there was anything in that beautiful head of hers other than knowing exactly which way was the closest mall. My, how times change you. I’m glad to see you’ve gotten some sense since then. If only we could say the same for everyone else. You know, I’ve been compared to worser things, so I’ll take it.

Why, Jesse. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you only kept me around as the brawn to your brain. No but seriously, do I need to kick someone’s ass because I will.

That may be part of the reason -- the other part would be that you’re, dare I say it, one of the few people who gives me the slightest faith in humanity in this whole damn shit-show. Now cherish that because I don’t know when the next nice thing I say will be. Think you got it in you to take on three Heathers at once?

Right, because the Chicago Sun-Times is desperate for more traffic. You know what else generates interest? - Sex crimes, political corruption, refugee crisis, gender inequality, the growth of white supremacy in America. You want to know the difference between these topics and cat memes? Relevance. 

But I’m sure your kitten is a peach. 

Isn’t all print media? But that’s, like, besides the point -- if you want to write about all of that so badly, then why not just do it? Sure, an assignment is an assignment, but did anyone ever make big news by doing what they’re told? It’s like when I wore my new Jimmy Choos with this one outfit and was sure I’d be crucified come lunchtime, but I got the most cat-calls from hot jocks throughout the day and even more nasty glares from my jealous teammates, which is, like, the ultimate compliment in girl world. Had I not done it, I would’ve never gotten to third base with the linebacker, so moral of the story is: do it, anyway, even if it isn’t expected of you. You never know who you can go to third base with.

If you’d ever seen her, I’m sure you’d agree in a heartbeat, Bobbi. 

Wait, are you trying to tell me you get off on me bitching about literal fucking psychos? Cause that’s been a goal of mine since, like, forevers.

Forevers, huh? You know how to make a guy feel special. But go on with your story: did you chew her out? Make someone cry?