I'M YOUR HELL, I'M YOUR DREAM

Oh sorry, were you still talking? I totally fell asleep cause your voice just sounding like the parents in Charlie Brown.

...Of course you’d say something like that. How could I forget how infuriating talking to you was? 

Are you sure? He’s at that age where he knows he’s adorable and he uses it to get what he wants. You can’t give in to him.

And good. I need some time away from everything. And I have a lot to tell you about.

I think I can handle it. No matter how cute he is, I’ll be able to resist. 

That’s so sweet of you but you really don’t have to do that, Bobbi. And how about this weekend?

I know that I don’t have to do it, but I want to. This weekend is perfect! Consider me all yours.

If it’s going to be the same disgraced heiress or side-by-side Britney comparison article, then I would choose memes in a heartbeat. It’s hard to keep interest when the topic has been incessantly done over and over.

I’m not interested in pieces that demonize anyone. Sometimes you just have to turn the topic on its head, present another side to the narrative. And I mean who doesn’t love a good old fashion redemption arc? 

That’s a good thing though, right? That the bar is low? And that reminds me of my pops! He’s also really protective of me — kinda like a Knight in Shining Armor.  And yes, Grumpy Cat! Okay, yeah, I can see why you would think they’re not cute, but… I still think they’re pretty cute. Anyway, my name is Cecile, but you can call me Cece for short.

I guess. I never really think about it, mostly because I’ve never been in danger of losing his favor. I feel like most dads are just wired to be like that with their precious little girls. Not all of them, but most of them. I’m just more of a dog person. Pleasure to meet you Cece. I’m Bobbi. Are you new to Shermer? 

I love him, but I think I need some alone time. Some adult time. And yes, yes please. All the adult beverages, maybe we can even spend the day in the city. Far, far away from Shermer at least for a day. I’ve heard about this tiki bar on the Riverwalk, it’s supposed to be a fun time, and it’s getting warmer so I’m sure the deck will be open.

Totally understandable. Tell you what - after our adult day, I’ll take Auggie off your hands for a whole afternoon so you can actually catch up on some of that rest you so deserve. You had me at ‘far, far away from Shermer’. Just say when and I’m there. 

Oh please, you know exactly what I’m talking about. You just conveniently move out here after I start going to school here? Since when did you care about Chicago? I bet you’re here just to report back to dad. We both know you get some kind of sick pleasure out of ruining my fun. And if I hang up on him he’ll just call back, he’s ruthless. And yeah, dad’s breathe down your neck but dad is a whole new level. Chastity’s dad never made her wear a fake pregnancy belly before PROM! I’d rather spend time with my friends. As opposed to your pretentious friends who do nothing but rant about how much they hate men and glass ceilings and things that will never change. Maybe you should stop being mad at the world and start enjoying life. And let me do the same. 

Don’t act so self-important. I’m here because I was offered a job. I’m sure it’s really shocking to hear that my life doesn’t actually revolve around you, but that’s the truth. A job is why I’m interested in Chicago, not you. The only person I’m here to report to is the son of a bitch I call my boss. And on far more interesting topics than whatever hackneyed activity you’ve gotten yourself into these days. I don’t care enough about your ‘fun’ to go out of my way to interfere in it. If you could even call half of what you do fun, anyway. Chastity could have probably done with a few humiliating moments like that. At least my ‘pretentious’ friends and I talk about actual important things. Unlike you and your insipid lot who choose to spend their time gossiping about reality tv and mediocre boys with misogynistic tendencies. Contrary to your belief, I’m not stopping you from doing anything. As much as I would seriously love to see you focus on things that are actually worthy of any self respecting person’s time and not so enthralled in these vapid pursuits, I’m not even remotely interested enough in your life to give a damn. And for the record - I’m not mad at the world. Just because I want to see it change for the better, doesn’t make me some evil monster that hates it or who doesn’t enjoy life. I enjoy it plenty - the most fascinating and wonderful parts of it. Unlike some people who just prefer to waste their time on mindless things they’re going to look back on and regret ever being a part of someday. 

Nope, you’re right. That’s your number one priority, right? It’s only a waste of time when it’s so freaking long! I get a three out skype call if it was once a month but it doesn’t need to be every week, is what I’m saying. And maybe you don’t understand what it’s like to have dad breathing down your neck because you were little miss perfect, boring daughter, but I do. Oh my god, Bobbi you literally don’t even know them, so stop assuming you know what they’re like.

I have no idea what you’re talking about. Then tell him you can’t talk long - you’re in your final year in college, I think he can understand if you don’t have too much time to spare. Of course, maybe it would be more believable if you spent more of your free time dedicated to things other than parties. You think I don’t know what that’s like? Please - dad was constantly bothering me when I was at Sarah Lawrence. Even if I’m the more responsible one. He’s our dad, he’s going to breathe down your neck. It’s what dads do. I don’t need to know them to know what half of them are like. Everyone in college is some kind of cliché - and the pack you follow tend to fall into one particular category of stupid.  

Yes, yes please. I’m desperate to go somewhere that’s not the school, chuck e cheese or my house. I can even see if Mrs. Harris next door can watch Auggie so we have a strictly adults day.

And here I was about to say little man can join us too. But I’m all for a girl’s day. Are we going to have strictly adult beverages on this strictly adults day then? Because I am down for that too. 

Or maybe he’s trying to waste my time and keep me in my dorm so he can be overbearing even when he’s not here. I bet if I went to an all girl’s college his phone calls would be 30 minutes tops. Like, sometimes he runs out of things to say.

This may come as quite a shock to you, but I doubt that dad’s number one priority is interfering in your life and keeping you from stupid college parties. You’re no longer under his roof, he doesn’t have that kind of power. And the fact you consider his calling you to check in on you a ‘waste of your time’ really speaks volumes as to how ungrateful you are for all he did and continues to do for you. So again, maybe stop whining and just humor the man for a few hours here and there. Those sex-crazed assholes you’re so fascinated with will still be there afterwards with their cheap beer and gag-inducing pick up lines. 

I expected this my first week of college, not like halfway through my last year. I know you’re all like ‘dad can do no wrong blah blah blah’ but even you have to admit three hours is a bit much. Oh hey, I have an idea! Why don’t you call him once a week and talk for three hours and then you can see how boring it is.

It’s not that he can’t do wrong - nor is anyone denying the fact that three hours is overkill. It’s more like he’s your dad and he’s lonely and probably misses you so maybe you should just be grateful that he actually cares about your life as opposed to a parent who completely ignores your existence.