By the time I was 15 years old I knew deep down that I would never hit my child. Itâs 15 years later, Iâve had two children â one now a toddler and one an infant â and I still feel that way. But this does not mean that my children are not well-behaved. My son, who just got out of the terrible twoâs and is knee-deep in the terrible threeâs, is a well-adjusted child who rarely acts out. Let me explain why.
1. My goal is not to control his behavior. My goal is to help him manage his emotions.
Control and âgoodâ behavior are not my end goal. I only use the term âwell behavedâ in the title of this piece because it is a main concern of those who criticize a non-spanking approach. But, to me, good behavior is beside the point.
My son is experiencing how big and exciting the world is and I want him to embrace it without fear. So I encourage him to run, jump, leap, and climb, to touch things and ask endless questions (even though, yes, it does get annoying). How he acts in a grocery store is the least of my concerns.
Being emotional is part of being human. And toddlers feel their emotions very deeply. My goal is to teach my son that his emotions are acceptable, but he must learn how to express them appropriately. So you can cry and be sad that the episode of Sesame Street is over, but you canât throw a toy in your distress.
2. I take responsibility for his behavior.
And I do this because I feel that, at this age, he is mirroring me. If Iâm not treating others respectfully and managing my emotions well, how can I expect him to? I make sure that I am constantly processing my own feelings and communicating clearly and respectfully with my husband. My kids are watching.
3. I understand that tantrums are not isolated incidents
The vast majority of my sonâs tantrums boil down to hunger, tiredness/sleepiness or frustration that his sister is getting more attention than him. If most tantrums have a âroot causeâ it means that I, as a parent, have the ability to stop them before they even begin. Keeping my son well fed, on a good sleep schedule, and making sure he knows that he is loved and included goes a long way towards alleviating poor behavior.
4. I get to the bottom of things before deciding on a course of discipline.
I donât have eyes in the back of my head, so I donât always know how things between my children go down. I might be working in one room when I hear my one-year-old daughter cry out. I donât start by snatching up my son and whooping him. I start by cradling and comforting my daughter and then asking my son what happened. Did he push her because she stepped on one of his Lego creations? Did she take a toy he was playing with? Or was he just being aggressive? Knowing what happened helps me to know what my reaction should be. Also, I want my son to know he can tell me the truth without fear of violent retribution.
Growing up I had two friends whose parents beat them for acting out. What their parents did not know is that they were acting out because they had been sexually abused. I hope I never punish my child for acting in a way that is indicative of a deeper hurt.
5. I explain to my son why people around him act the way they do.
If my aim is to help my son manage his reactions, part of that is helping him make sense of other peopleâs actions. For example, he hates that his sister is always in his space. I explain to him that she crowds him because she admires and loves him. When he hears this, it makes him smile and he softens towards her. If he can make sense of his world then he can choose appropriate responses to the things that happen to him.
6. I keep him out of situations that are not toddler friendly.
Iâm not going to ask my 3 year old to sit quietly and be still for 45 minutes while I do an errand. Itâs uncomfortable and stretches the limits of what heâs capable of. He loves to move, touch and be curious, so I keep his daily life centered on those things.
7. I reinforce and consistently vocalize my expectations.
My son knows what my expectations are because I consistently vocalize them and keep him in environments that reinforce what I teach at home. Twice a week he does a full day at a preschool that teaches students in a gentle environment how to play cooperatively and respond to appropriate authority.
The result of all this is that my 3-year-old, who according to cultural norms should be having knock-down, drag-out tantrums multiple times a week/day, is a generally peaceful boy who tantrums very little. More importantly he is learning that his feelings matter, and is developing tools to navigate the world around him.
