Poster Boy

meanwhile, fresh outta the league and looking to make some quick freelance cash on the side while he builds up his crime lord business, a slightly confused jason has somehow managed to pick up both contracts, and now has to put his whole revenge plan on hold because he’s stuck trying to figure out if he even wants dick dead or not, because after meeting with his severely broken-inside client as the red hood-former league of assassins member for hire, it becomes very clear that things within the batfamily are not as he thought they were after he’d ‘left’.

and to make things entirely more difficult, he has to figure this out while trying to regularly fake both assassination attempts on dick’s life, and protection of dick from said attempts on his life; and he has to do all of this while not tipping off either tim or dick as to what he’s doing because if either of them realise that jason isn’t just straightforward doing his job then they’ll just hire somebody else and then the situation will be out of jason’s hands, which jason does not want because he’s still on the fence about whether or not he wants his family dead.

Tim: D why does your resume say that you actively volunteer at an orphanage? The hours you put on here say you work there more than full time.

Jason: I am totally for lying on your resume, but you have to at least make it believable brat. If you’re gonna commit a crime at least do it well.

Damian: Those hours are accurate, they may even be a little on the lower end.

Tim: Dami wouldn’t we notice you leaving every single day to go volunteer for 10 hours a day? We would never see you.

Damian: Why would I need to leave the manor to volunteer at an orphanage?

Jason: . .

Tim: . .

Jason: You listed Alfred as your supervisor?

Tim: Well, it's sort of up to you.

Duke: How?

Tim: You could pick Alfred and he's the safe choice and Damian will probably go with him but if you really wanted to, for fun, you could pick Dick or Jason or me, I guess. We're all over 18.

Duke: OK, for the heck of it, why would I pick any of you?

Tim: Well, Dick is fun, he would probably be chill but he had the potential to become a helicopter parent so there's that. Jason is... Well, at least you won't go hungry, I guess. And me, well, I'm easy going. I'd pick me if I were you. You have a better chance of staying alive.

Duke: Since I've known you, you've killed three cacti.

Tim:

Damian, walking into the barn: What are you doing?

Steph, putting a rainbow cape on Bat-Cow: Turning the animals gay. You wouldn't get it.

Steph: *snickers*

Damian: Same-sex penguin couples adopt abandoned eggs.

Damian: Clownfish undergo sex changes.

Damian: Snails are born with both male and female reproductive parts.

Damian: Female stick bugs self-fertilize.

Damian: Bonobos display homosexual activity more frequently than heterosexual.

Damian: Male seahorses get pregnant.

Damian: The platypus has ten sex chromosomes.

Damian: *fixes the cape*

Damian: And Bat-Cow is in a long-distance lesbian situationship with a buffalo from Wyoming. It is the human species that is dull and inferior.

*Alfred bringing tea and a plate of biscuits down to the cave during a monthly mandatory strategy meeting, with Bruce stood at the head of a table all the kids are seated around*

Duke: i shouldn't even have to be here, i'm the only one on dayshift.

Jason: uh- i reject that; i'm doin' shit during the day too, y'know.

Duke, without missing a beat: that's because you're unemployed and have no civilian friends, there's a fucking difference Jason.

Dick: *covers his mouth, snickering*

Bruce: now, boys-

Jason: i will jump over this table, brightshit. try me.

Duke: *flips Jason off*

Jason, starting to get up: oh you want it-?

Alfred, pointedly putting the tray of snacks down in between them, giving them both warning glares: i trust that the meeting is going well?

*a beat*

Jason, sitting back down: dammit,

Bruce: *sigh* thank you, Alfred. now if we could just get back to-

Duke: i still don't want to be here.

Bruce: oh for- we've been over this, Duke. everybody has to attend these meetings.

Damian: just because you say something is mandatory doesn't mean it's actually necessary. it's subjective.

Bruce: it's not subjective, it's fact. if we don't take time to co-ordinate ourselves then we're more liable to miscommunicate and get ourselves, or others, hurt. it's important that we take this time to go over protocols and codes, as well as alert everybody of upcoming missions. it's not like you have anything better to do tonight, Damian.

Damian: what the hell,

Dick: oooh~

Damian: how dare you; i have plenty of ways to spend my evening, thank you very much-

Bruce, pinching the bridge of his nose: i didn't mean it that way, chum, can we just-

Damian: for starters, Drake and I have a new Lego set to construct, which you are selfishly taking time away from!

Steph, squinting across at Tim: sorry, you two build Lego sets together?

Tim: *defensive* what, mad that he doesn't play with you?

Steph, turning to Damian incredulously: well fucking yes?? dude- i ask you to hang out all the time. how come you'll play with Tim but not me!?

Damian, easily: because your version of hanging out is just dragging me all over Gotham while we stalk your English professor. i don't give a fuck which of the PA's he's hooking up with, Brown. i just want to build Lego.

Alfred: *watches with narrowed eyes as Cass slowly leans forward and drags the entire plate of biscuits towards herself*

Bruce: Damian, language.

Damian: me?!

Dick: fuck yeah, bring down the hammer, B.

Bruce, exhausted: can we all just-

Damian, planting his hands on the table: NO, WHY AREN'T YOU GETTING MAD WHEN THEY SWEAR?

Bruce: Damian- sit back down,

Jason, casually putting his feet on the table: it's 'cause you do it wrong, Dames. the curse word has to fall off the tongue comfortably, so that nobody even realises it shouldn't be in the sentence. *tipping his head up to show his mouth* you gotta- like this, roll your tongue slightly, just let it fall off, see: cunt.

Damian, copying: cunt.

Jason: cunt,

Damian: cunt.

Bruce, staring between the two in defeat: *makes eye contact with Alfred pleadingly*

Alfred: *shrugs*

Jason: cunt,

Damian: cunt, like that?

Jason: yeah, but in a sentence.

Damian: Dick Grayson is a cunt. like that?

Jason: yeah you got it.

Dick: WOAH WOAH- why am i catching strays? the fuck did i do?

Tim, flatly: if you hadn't fucked up the protocol code names three months ago, we wouldn't have to do these meetings.

Duke, pointing at Tim in agreement: that's true.

Dick: I WASN'T THE ONLY ONE, JACKASSES, STEPH DID IT TOO!

Steph: at least i was concussed. you're just an idiot.

Dick: *visibly offended* i'll have you know-

Bruce, snapping: ok that is IT. all of you sit back down, we are going over the current standing protocols and that is FINAL. none of you are leaving until i dismiss you, and if you don't comply then you will be benched for the foreseeable future, understood?

*silence*

*the kids awkwardly exchanging glances as they settle back down into their chairs*

Bruce, sighing in relief: finally. now, can we all-

Jason: *sticks his hand up in the air*

Bruce:

Bruce: *wary* what is it about, Jason?

Jason, innocently: i have a question about the protocols.

Bruce: ...go on then.

Jason: what's the protocol for when you let a call from your overbearing father go to voicemail because you're busy getting it on with Roy Harper mid-patrol, and then said overbearing father just hacks into your private com line mid-fuck anyway, completely ignoring your boundaries and throwing off the mood, all because he wanted to ask whether or not you'd prefer fish or chicken for the family barbeque that weekend?

*complete and utter silence*

Alfred: *stares in disappointment at a rapidly reddening Bruce*

Duke, grinning wildly as he looks between Bruce and Jason: has that ever happened?

Jason, flatly: three times.

Bruce:

Bruce:

Cass: *loudly crunches on biscuits*

Bruce: ok Jason you can go,

Jason, already leaping out his chair: SEE YOU SUCKERS-

Steph: WOAH- HOLD ON, HOLD ON-

Dick: THAT'S SO UNFAIR,

Duke: JUST BECAUSE HE'S A SLUT HE GETS TO AVOID THE MEETINGS?!

Bruce: -STOP SHOUTING AT ME-

Damian: so what i'm hearing is that to get out of these ridiculous things, i just have to tell Jon he's allowed to hit?

*silence*

Bruce, to Damian: ...ok you're grounded,

Tim: Steph, i know we broke up years ago and you're technically my sister now but i feel like this is for the greater good-

Steph: you and i have the same mind, Timmy-boy.

2003 & 2012 Leo: where do you think our Raphs are right now?

Tottmnt Leo, turning back to look at the fight that his Raph just started:

Things end up going smoothly, and the animal is pretty cute! It looks like nothing Grace has ever seen before, and he's well aware it could obliterate his bones if it suddenly charged at him. But it's quite small, and it makes adorable noises.

All this is my excuse for Rocky to have his first experience hearing the absurd baby talk so many of us do with animals lol.

Grace's voice pitches up and down wildly, cooing and spouting incoherent words. He strokes the barrier between him and the creature, petting it as best he can, and for whatever reason, finds it necessary to say, "Who's a good little domesticated animal?? Yeeesss, it's you!"

I think it’d be funny if they both got the role. Mikey being able to read their emotions easily, and Leo being able to learn his brothers’ tells.