HEAVY trigger warning: this post is going to contain discussions of incest, child abuse, child sexual abuse, and related trauma. both real and fictional. proceed with caution
sam reid better count his fucking days. or receive every acting award available for him. or both. for the whole season, yes. but even just for his performance during the scene for louis finds out about gabriella
the anger, the fear, the distress. the shaking, shuddering, sobbing gasps for breath, even as he was vomiting, even as he tried to defend it. defend himself. his repeated attempts to rationalize it all. explain how it's not as bad as it seems. to himself, as much if not more than to louis.
the performance was haunting. to say the least. and real in a way that i pray most people will never know. and i know, because it's what i went through the first time i ever tried to speak about what my dad did to me. and in a way still go through every time. not so much the rationalization part, unlike him, i've done some work on myself
but the writing of that scene, also... the extreme over-explanation. rationalization. the way he tried to use his mother's death as the gateway, even though that gate was open long before that.
i see so much of myself in lestat throughout this season. and i see how much better off he would have been if he had just let his mother die. but i not only know why he didn't, but i feel it, too. the only way i ever escaped my father was through his sickness and then death. and yet i know, even now, even after it all, if i could go back, and i could save him... at least 5 times out of ten, i would.
editing to add more thoughts that i jusy organized but don't want to put into their own post:
specifically the part where lestat talks about how he did actually want it to be known, despite his enormously visceral reaction to it being so, and despite all his other conflicting emotions surrounding it, making him desperate to bury kt and keep it secret... yeah, that shit fucking hit
a lot of people talk about heavy topics and trauma in media needing to be handled with grace, and i don't think this show is doing that with lestat. and thank fuck for that. his trauma is being handled as delicately as a wrecking ball on cocaine. and i think that's needed. for me, at least, it is. it needs to be so clumsy and visceral and upsetting. because that's what it feels like to actually live it.
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