blu_life

I had always been a bit on the “healthier” side, so called curves that didn’t seem right and thighs that always seemed thick in a sickly way that made most pants seem weird to me. I was neither skinny nor fat, I was somewhere in between, which was very hard to figure out, and look for outfits as I grew up and my body moulded into what it is right now. Looking at my body reminded me of moments from all gym classes where wearing shorts made me uncomfortable every time someone would look at them and say something like, “Thick thighs save lives.” It was always an intended insult and not a compliment, I could distinguish that much. It reminded me of that incident from middle school, those moments inside the locker that left bruises on my hips and arms, places that some would romanticise as love handles on the internet. The bruises took weeks to fade. My mother would say I shouldn’t be ashamed of my body, that I was beautiful and adorable, but then even Nathan would come along and say that I have great biceps, followed by that I looked like a cuddly teddy bear or something.

I tried not to sob, and willed myself to get up and do some skin care and change into a fresh pair of pajamas, some shorts, I can wear them without a care in the safety of my house and forget about all of this. All of this came to me today all at once, as I failed to fit in a pair of jeans from grade nine, as my thighs chaffed together when I worked in the greenhouse, as Hunter pinched my sides playfully and then Nathan came over and helped me get some stuff down from a higher shelf in the greenhouse and said something about how I’m “short and stout” like a stuff toy.

All of this made me feel disgusted with myself. I did think it might be somewhere closer to that time of the month but as Hunter left for a sleepover and my mum went over to aunt Marsha’s for a chit chat, I locked myself in my room and took a shower, scrubbing myself clean from head to toe. As if by doing so I could reinvent myself and change the way I look, that it would finally be easy to look at a mirror for longer than a minute.

I put on some music and pampered myself the way I would pamper my daughter if I were to have one in the future, I softened the curves I hated and made them smell good, and then I put on some fresh and clean clothes. My phone screen beamed then, signalling a new notification that I had received. It was from Nathan.

Hi!

You awake?

I decided to ignore it and started setting up my desk to either do some school work or work on one of the literary projects that I have been pursuing since middle school. It was weird as to how much Nathan was hanging out with me in his gap year. I guess all his other friends had left for college, but it still didn’t make sense as to how frequently he came seeking for my company. We used to be close as kids, tight knitted, like two peas in a pod, we were like those classic childhood friends who did almost everything together. But he started coming over less when he started football, he was in the grade above me and to be on the team he had to maintain his academics too. He’d drop by sometimes for a movie or a chat, but that was only when his other friends were busy or his mom would send him over for something.

He was there, if I needed him and if he could make time for me , but apart from that I accepted this eventual distance between us. Now, he always seemed persistent to hang out, so much so that I was getting used to this, almost addicted to having him close. And this scared me, a lot.

I sat at my desk and turned on the lamp when my phone rang. It was Nathan.

“Hello.” I said, receiving the call.

“Open the door, will you?” Nathan said.

“Why didn’t you ring the bell?” I asked.

“Because I thought you’d be sleeping and won’t hear it.” He said.

“It's 8pm, Nathan. I haven’t even had dinner.” I said.

“Then open the door, I brought you dinner. My mother made spaghetti and meat balls.” Nathan said.

I was already on my way downstairs so I disconnected the call and opened the door for him. He stood there on the porch holding two casseroles.

“The smaller one has some caesar salad in it.” He said as I took it from him.

“Why are you eating here though?” I asked as I set the tupperware on the kitchen table.

“Mum would have sent me to deliver dinner to you anyway, so I told her to pack mine too. Might as well eat here and keep you company.” He said, as I handed him some plates and cutlery.

“You didn’t have to.” I said. The spaghetti and meat balls smelled as good as they looked.

“I know, but I wanted to.” Nathan said, grinning at me.

I served the food for the both of us and we ate in silence. Nathan helped with dishes and then I looked in the fridge for something sweet.

“What are you doing?” Nathan asked as I pulled out some brownies.

“Getting dessert.” I said.

“You know, Autumn, you shouldn’t have so much sugar. It's not good for you.” He said, as I cut up a slice, trying to ignore him.

“I have them once in a while.” I said, getting myself a spoon and taking the first bite.

“You had ice cream just the other day. You cannot stress eat like this. You have gained weight over the past years.” Nathan said, and I almost stopped eating.

“I know. Do you have a fat phobia or something? It’s okay, it's not much though.” I said, as I scooped up some more brownies.

“Oh please, you don’t even exercise. You are turning into one of those soup dumplings you like eating, and it's not good for your health in the long run, I’m saying this out of concern not because I have fat phobia.” Nathan said, and it became harder to swallow.

“No I’m not.” I defended myself, trying hard not to let my voice shake.

“Yes you are. Your thighs are thicker than mine and you look like a cuddly little bear sometimes…” Nathan went on, and I couldn’t eat anymore, my skin crawled and I couldn’t swallow the piece of brownie I had in my mouth. My eyes stung and I remembered all those moments I had spent trying to reduce weight by doing what not, drinking hot lemon on an empty stomach, doing some sit ups, going on walks, and I still do it, with a mindset of keeping healthy, but somehow all that’s visible to everyone apparently is the overweightedness, the chubby belly, the rolls on my hips and my thick thighs that came in due to stress eating, laziness and genes.

I spit the food in my mouth on a paper napkin as Nathan stopped speaking. I stood up from my seat and threw the rest of my dessert in the bin and washed the dish as quickly as I could.

“Autumn…” Nathan began.

“Lock the door behind you when you leave.” I said, my voice sounding thick with tears. I didn’t look at him and walked out of the kitchen, up the stairs and into my bedroom, slamming the door shut.

I sat at my desk, opened my journal, picked up a pen, zoning everything out of my mind before it got too much and I tumbled over into the never ending spiral. That is when there was a knock on my door followed by a familiar voice.

“Autumn?”

I stood up from my desk, my nerves all over the place and my mind on edge. I could burst any moment as Nathan stepped in my room I watched, vigilantly feeling like a kitten startled by a bigger animal as he closed the door behind him, the clicking of the lock made me jump, and then he calmly sat on my bed, looking at me, somewhat at eye level.

“Now, tell me what happened?” He asked.

“I don’t want to talk about it.” I said, folding my arms.

The silence between us stretched like a rubber band, it could break any moment, like thin ice on a lake. Nathan probably had his eyes on me as I stared at my sock feet. I wasn’t wearing matching socks, but both pairs were my favourite, one had strawberries on it and the cats. Suddenly, I saw Nathan raise his arm from my peripheral vision and I almost thought he was about to hit me, which made me flinch in defense and Nathan stopped.

“Did you think I was going to hit you, Autumn?” He asked, his voice grave and somber, which made my eyes sting again. I continued staring at my feet, pressing my eyes shut for a moment.

“Look at me Autumn.” He said, and I did, my eyes were probably bloodshot and a painful knot formed in my throat.

“Can you give me your hand?” He asked, extending his palm towards me, and against my better judgement I took it.

Nathan pulled me towards him gently, wrapping his hand around my waist, which made me cringe once more. And as he tried to guide me to what I suppose was to sit on his lap, I recoiled back in horror.

“No Nathan. I’m too heavy.” I said, pulling away, but his hand on my waist tightened.

“It doesn’t matter. I’m quite strong.” He said, pulling me in gently again, but I pushed back once more.

“No but I’m too heavy. You won’t…” I started but he cut me off.

“Even if you are, it doesn’t matter to me, now come here.” He said, pulling me on to his lap again, and this time I didn’t protest. I sat on his lap, on my bed, facing him and my heart hammered in my chest as a fresh set of tears swelled in my eyes.

“Does calling you a teddy bear bother you?” He asked and I shook my head. I took a deep breath to answer, but my answer got stuck in my throat. I swallowed, my voice failing me. Nathan looked into my eyes and stared back, hoping he’d somehow read my mind.

“It's okay, take your time.” Nathan said, rubbing my back as I took another deep breath.

“Th-that incident in mmm-middle school. Thth-the bruises left scars.” I managed to stutter out in a whisper before a sob broke out of my mouth.

I had been using stuff from last year, I was writing the notes of three of my subjects in one notebook and it was starting to bother me. I know it's not something that I should be bothered about but at this point my patience was wearing thin, everything felt out of place and I couldn’t focus on getting stuff done. It's not like it was a big deal, I could always drag Hunter with me over the weekend and get stuff or just go and get it all myself. But I felt mad at my mum for cancelling plans again and again, even though I understand she is busy working and all, I was mad at my brother for ditching me, I was mad at myself for not having friends because of my trust issues.

I stared at my inbox on my phone.

Hello

I had texted Nathan two days ago and he hadn’t replied. I had seen him going out and about in his car but he hadn’t even dropped by at my place since last Thursday. I thought of calling him, usually he was the one who’d call if I texted, so when he didn’t respond I just dropped the idea. I didn’t want to hyperfixate on the idea, I might get too attached to calling him if he responded and would call him again and again when he wouldn’t pick up, and I didn’t need this new hyperfixation in my last year of school.

I was used to Nathan not replying to texts, he would tell me that he didn’t use his phone much or that we lived across the street so I could just come over, but I didn’t work like that. I guess the last time I had gone over to his place to hang out on my own was back in middle school, when he had joined football. He was always at practice, so I stopped going over unless he invited me.

I slammed my notebooks shut and got up from my desk and flopped on my bed. That’s when my phone rang, it was Nathan.

“Hello?” I said, my voice muffled by my pillow.

“That was pretty aggressive. Is everything okay?” He said.

It was cliche that our rooms were aligned in such a manner that we could see into each other’s rooms. He had probably seen me slam my notebook through my open window.

“Hm. I know.” I said, turning over on my side.

“What are you doing?” He asked.

“Nothing.” I said, starting to feel pissed off with him as he spoke.

“Okay..” He said, and I didn’t respond. The silence stretched for a couple of seconds as I watched the sun rays of the setting sun colouring the pale blue walls of my room a red hue.

“Hello? Autumn?” Nathan said.

“I texted you two days ago.” I said.

“Oh. I didn’t see it. I don’t..” Before he could finish I cut him off.

“Don’t give me that excuse. You do use your phone.” I said.

“I’m sorry, I do, but it's just there are too many texts and it's overwhelming to answer them.” He said.

“Okay..” I said, trying not to cry.

“Oh Autumn, you know it wasn’t intentional. Don’t be like that.” Nathan said, as I sniffled away a few tears.

“I’m not being like anything.” I said as I heard him sigh on the other end.

“You are upset. I have been busy, I’m helping out the middle school coach with the football team. And you know, I do call you when you text me or even come over.” Nathan said, as I sat up on my bed.

“I know, you do. I’m not upset about this.” I said, rubbing my face.

“Then what happened?” He asked and I sighed, and contemplated in silence as to if I should ask him the next question.

“Hello… Autumn? Are you crying?” Nathan said on the other end.

“No. No, I’m not.” I said, biting my nails.

“Then?” He asked, and I took a deep breath.

“Can you come shopping with me, for stationery? Please?” I asked as Nathan chuckled on the other end.

“Yes, Autumn. I’ll come shopping with you for stationery.” Nathan said.

“Okay, but like I want to go now. Are you free right now? It's okay if you are not.” I said, getting up from my bed and looking out of the window, his blinds were closed.

“Yes I’m free right now. Meet me out front in ten minutes?” Nathan said.

“Yes. Okie dokie. I’ll go get ready. See you soon.” I said.

“See you soon too.” Nathan said, laughing on the other end as we hung up.

Nathan parked his car in front of the shops and as I tried to get out he stopped me, I looked at him with my eyebrows furrowed.

“What?” I said.

“You tripped earlier, your shoelaces came undone, let me see.” He said and bent down and put one of my legs on his thigh. It nearly made me tear up at that moment. Oh please, please don’t do this. Don’t be so nice to me.

He tied my laces and we got out of the car. I wanted to get ice cream and as we walked to the ice cream parlour, he offered his hand to me, palm open, and I took it, he squeezed my hand before intertwining our fingers together like always. I hated myself more.

I didn’t like Nathan first, at least that’s what I like to think. Most people said it was him, our mothers, some common friends from elementary and middle school, it was always him and then I started liking him too, and this slowly turned to loving him, unconditionally, almost throwing everything I had in me for him, the concept of boundaries, what is right and wrong, my sense of self at some point, the love that bloomed and the pain that followed didn’t matter much, I loved him anyway. He went out with other girls, he pretended not to know me since middle school, he always came when I needed him the most, I didn’t let him go even though I knew he was this horrible person who had hurt a lot of people in ways I couldn’t imagine. But here I am, holding his hand, allowing him to treat me like his “constant” since we were kids and loving him unconditionally and blindly.

There were people who were terrified of him and here I was, who felt the most comfortable and safest with him. My mind went quiet around him, like a storming sea going quiet and settling into gentle waves. All my anxiety, hyperfixations and panic went to sleep when he was there, I felt the best when he was around. And I tried, I always tried in vain to hate him, to not speak to him, to be cold towards him, to push him away and stop loving him, that he really wasn’t a good person and that he had hurt me the most in all these years.I wanted to hate him, leave him to rot into something of the past but I couldn’t. I failed every single time.

He made it hard to hate him, he told me he is violent and dangerous and then sat by my bedside all night to bring a fever down. He hugged me without asking, he let me touch his face, ears and hair even though he hated them, he held my hands so gently that it was hard to comprehend that those same hands could break through bones. He took me for granted and claimed to do so as well, I allowed him to. He’d tell me that he regretted a lot of things when it came to me, but he’d just get over it and keep moving in life. And this made me angry, I wanted him to be in pain too, I wanted him to feel guilty and for that guilt to swallow him whole. I wanted him to cry and ask for forgiveness and a chance of repentance, redemption for everything he had done.

I got some vanilla ice cream with blue berries, Nathan didn’t get anything even though I insisted, he said he was on a diet because of the training sessions he was taking. It kind of made me feel like a glutton, but the ice cream was irresistible.

We walked into the Inky Nook, it was like a supermarket except they sold stationary and office supplies. Sometimes they will organise book fairs of second hand books. It smelled of fresh paper, ink and just that delicious musky smell that makes my mouth water and nose tingle.

I picked a basket from the entrance and moved towards the notebook aisle. There were notebooks of all shapes and sizes and types and designs. I picked the ones I usually use with a smoother paper quality.

“Let me hold that for you.” Nathan said, taking the basket and notebooks from me. He continued walking behind me like a shadow as I moved to the aisle that held the journals.

I had made a list of things that I failed to follow. I struggled to decide whether I needed a new mechanical pencil or not, or whether I had enough ink in my ink wells or whether getting moss green ink was a good idea or not.

When we reached the counter I saw that Nathan was carrying two baskets full of supplies. I gave him an embarrassed smile and apologised, while he just grinned at me.

I felt better and excited to look at my shopping haul once I got home. As Nathan got in behind the wheel, I turned to face him in the passenger’s seat.

“Here.” I said, holding out the keychain with a maple leaf.

“What is this for?” Nathan asked.

“To… hold your keys. It's a token of appreciation for taking me shopping.” I said and Nathan chuckled underneath his breath, which made me break into some goosebumps.

He took the keychain from me and opened his glove box. There were a bunch of keys on a ring to which he attached the keychain.

Hunter came downstairs, and as we had breakfast and packed our lunches he yapped about the chess club he was planning on joining. I told him about some of the teachers he’d come across and how they may have realised he’s my brother. I was a good student in middle school, most teachers remembered me for my unique name. I don’t want my brother to live in my shadow and the pressure of expectations, however I was sure that he would break through it anyway. The fear made me worry anyway, we siblings had a strong bond, I didn’t want that to be ruined because of stupid comparisons.

Both of us walked to our respective schools two blocks away. Hunter’s school came first so I had to walk alone to mine. I had thirty five minutes before classes started, hence the school was less crowded than it would be in ten minutes. I walked to the school office and retrieved my schedule and locker keys. All my classes were in familiar locations. For my final year in high school I had taken up calculus, advanced chemistry, biology and literature, physics geography and microeconomics. I had taken up extra credits here too, which I would be transferring to my university credits eventually, but for now I aimed at getting through as much of the school work as possible and not procrastinating and accumulating backlogs. 

All my textbooks were in my locker, I didn’t plan on keeping them here though, the school lockers were good for nothing for storing stuff. I’m glad mum was picking me up, it would be difficult to carry them back home on foot.

My first class was physics, the classroom was empty so I claimed one of the seats by the window. I took out Jane Eyre to annotate. There were some posters hanging around on the classroom bulletin board, and my eyes caught one of them. It was a poster of the football team from last year, Nathan was in the centre or more like Nate Jacobs.

Nate Jacobs was the football team captain, and probably also the most dedicated one. He was famous for parties, fights, his girl friends, harassment and what not. Most of this made me feel uncomfortable, that’s why I avoided any interactions with him at school, not that he ever tried to initiate any interaction with me. In school, I was non-existent for him, just another face in the crowd that he had nothing to do with. It was like a silent pact between him and I, that we didn’t know each other at school, no one knew that we had known each other since childhood and had family dinners together and hung out in each other’s bedrooms. 

I remember last year, getting caught in the midst of a fight that involved him. The fight broke out in front of my locker, and the other dude was pushed into me as I was frozen in shock and fear, cowering near my locker. It hurt like hell for this massive dude to get pushed against me. Nathan had seen that. What he did to that guy’s face had left me purely horrified. I couldn’t speak to Nathan or maintain eye contact with him without his furious face coming in my mind. Following this, he was taken into custody by the police for physically abusing Madeliene Perez, she had bruises around her neck some said. The accusations were false, however, I believed that Nate Jacobs was capable of all that. I truly feared him, but Nathan felt safer somehow, like this completely different person who was gentle, mindful and kind, someone who cared for me.

I pulled out the hair clip from my hair, it was in the shape of a tiny white butterfly in contrast to the maroon sweatshirt I was wearing. I stared at it for a while and then pinned back my hair again. I had allowed my hair to grow over the summer, it was up to my chin now and the bangs I had gotten were a bit longer and kept getting in my eyes.

I checked my locker one more time, my maths and social sciences textbooks were missing and this made me panic, as they were well annotated so that I could easily revise for my finals. It was my last year of middle school and I wanted to keep my grades up. My locker keeps getting broken into, I have had my lunch stolen a lot of times this year but my textbooks, the thought made me feel horrified. I felt a tight and painful knot in my throat as my eyes stung and I tried to breathe evenly. It was fine. I could get an issue of a new set of textbooks from the school office and study again, but why is my stuff getting stolen. I knew it was those guys from the football team, they were in my year, however, ever since they have realised that I knew Nathan they have started bothering me. At first, they made desperate efforts to befriend me when Nathan left, not that me and Nathan hung out in school, but Nathan was a year above me, he had started high school hence I guess the presumed that it would be cool to be friends with a senior like Nathan. 

I knew they didn’t want to be my friends so I politely tried to decline their offers, but slowly this turned into name calling, trying to destroy my personal items, etc. I still somehow ignored most of it.

Today was Nathan’s last football game, the mothers , Hunter and I were going to support him as the season ended. One of them was supposed to pick me but I had to deal with this mess. I hadn’t told anyone anything about this, Hunter knew a bit because he had caught me crying a couple of times.

I heard footsteps from behind me and before I could do anything something cold was dumped on me, and I was grabbed by the hair. My eyes were blindfolded and someone tied a rope around my wrists, I tried to scream but a big rough hand pressed on my face. I tried to struggle but my hair was pulled painfully again and someone punched me on my side. I was thinking of all the worst possibilities as I tried to struggle out of submission, when someone yanked my hair again and slapped me across the face.

I was forced into a fetal position and my ankles were tied, and I felt my side hit a metal surface and my other side hit another. There was laughter outside and I heard familiar voices curse my name. They had locked me inside my locker.

I couldn’t move and my body hurt from all the abuse, it felt cold and I couldn’t scream as I struggled to breath. This is it, this is my end, no one’s gonna find me here till I die and my body rots and stinks. It felt sad that my mum and little brother would have to see my body in this state. I’ll get to meet dad again but I felt burdened leaving my mum and Hunter behind, even Nathan, I needed him more than he needed me. 

I was going in and out of consciousness and I felt the claustrophobia hit me even more. My body felt sore being in the fetal position and it hurt everywhere. I had no idea what time it was, Nathan’s match must have begun by now, I wondered if my mother and Hunter were waiting outside for me or if they had assumed that Nathan had picked me up and I was already there. 

It was then, in the struggle between consciousness and unconsciousness, that I heard a familiar voice.

“Autumn! Autumn! Where are you?! Damn it… her phone’s probably dead..” It was Nathan. His voice made my heart race, I needed to get out.

My throat felt scratchy as I tried to speak, I could hear his footsteps echo in the corridor outside and then they stopped in front of my locker.

“What the hell?” I heard him say and I mustered up all my energy to call out his name in my raspy voice. I wasn’t sure if he heard me, so I knocked on the metal with my head.

“Nathan.”

“Autumn?” Nathan said, knocking from outside.

“Nathan. Here.” I spoke and swallowed the dryness in my throat.

“Are you inside Autumn?!” Nathan said and I weakly knocked again.

“Oh my God! Wait! Just wait! I’ll get you out in no time! Don’t be scared I’ll be right back!” Nathan said and I heard him running down the corridor.

I tried to breathe evenly and not pass out.

I heard two sets of footsteps rushing down the corridor. In no time, I couldn’t see but I heard a click and the locker creaked open.

“Oh my God!” A voice, probably the janitor’s, exclaimed. “I’ll go call the principal.” He said and heard him go away.

Two hands wrapped gently around me and I couldn’t help but flinch as my body felt like one big bruise.

“It's okay, it's just me.” Nathan said and lifted me out of the crammed locker. 

He gently placed me on his lap and I leaned my throbbing head on his shoulder. He untied my blindfold and I squinted in the bright light.

“Its okay, keep your eyes closed for some time.” Nathan said as he untied the ropes around my wrists and ankles, they felt raw and painful, and they must look that way as well.

I opened my eyes and met Nathan’s gaze. He was in his football uniform, he missed the match and I couldn’t help but sob into his shoulder.

Nathan rubbed my back as I cried and we sat there for what felt like ages till the principal showed up.

I couldn’t speak much but Nathan coaxed me to, gently constantly rubbing my back as my body shivered. I told them it was some guys from the football team. The principal was kind enough to let me go after seeing my state. My body hurt and my hair felt gross. Nathan carried me to his car as I asked him about the match, it was pouring outside.

“The match got postponed due to the rain. Your mother and brother are at mine. They did come to pick you up but you didn’t turn up, they thought you were with me. I tried calling you but your phone was off, and I for one know that your phone can never be dead. So I came here to search.” Nathan said as we drove. I stared at the rain outside, my backpack was in the back seat. Nathan had found it and my broken phone lying outside my locker. They had poured water from the mop bucket on me and I knew I had gum stuck in my hair. My scalp hurt from all the abuse it had to bear.

“You know, you could have told me about this earlier?” Nathan said in a low voice, I looked at him and saw him gripping the wheel, his knuckles looked white.

“I know. I’m sorry.” I whispered, my throat hurting.

“Oh for fuck sake Autumn! You’re not the one who should be apologizing right now.” Nathan said, his voice rising a few decibels and I flinched, feeling the urge to apologize.

“Don’t apologize again. I’m not mad at you. Okay?” He said.

“Okay.” I said.

Nathan parked his car a couple of blocks away from our homes and had carried me to my place. I was hurt and slow on my feet. We entered through the back door and went up to my room. Nathan sat on my bed as I locked myself in the bathroom.

I took off my soiled clothes and picked up a pair of scissors. My hair was dirty with gum stuck in it, I couldn’t bear to look at myself, I don’t know how Nathan held my filthy self for so long. I chopped off all the clumped up pieces and then hopped into the shower and started scrubbing. I tried to be gentle on my wrists and ankles but I lathered up the shower gel and shampoo and covered all my body in it and scrubbed their hands off, the pain away, the fear and disgust and grief away. 

I was in the shower for too long, my skin looked red as I softened it in lotion that smells clean and sweet. I threw my hair in the bin away from my sight and changed into a fresh pair of pajamas that smelled like cloth softener.

Nathan was still sitting on my bed, except he was in a fresh pair of clothes, his hair wet from a shower. He stood up when he saw me, I looked away as he stared at me. I had once heard him say to one of his guy friends that he hated girls with short hair.

“I had a change of clothes in your room, I used Hunter’s bathroom to clean up..” He said.

“Do I look weird?” I asked, tugging on my shirt, looking at the floor, feeling another knot build in my throat and my eyes tearing up.

Nathan moved towards me and I almost felt like he was about to leave but instead his arms went around me and he cradled my head to his chest.

School starts in like four days, and that thought itself made my stomach churn uncomfortably. There was nothing much to look forward to. I didn’t have many friends, unless you call acquaintances friends, people change as they move through school and more starts happening in your life, I always felt scared to get emotionally dependent on people after seeing how Nathan turned out.

I haven’t seen him since the sleepover. We don’t speak on text or call because well we live right across the street from each other, but then again ever since middle school I never know when he is home.

Nathan and I used to play together everyday after school, all through weekends and through vacations and holidays. He had stubbornly taught me to ride a bicycle without the training wheels, I taught him to build a fort using pillows and blankets in our bedrooms. He taught me to play tennis in the park, I taught him to play silly stories in our greenhouse. He would help me with math homework till grade seven, I’d complete his History assignments till sophomore year. I’d go to his house after school everyday, but his dad would push him to join the football team, hence he never was home to play with me after turning 15. I stopped going over to his place on my own accord, and he came whenever he had some time to spare.

As if on that note, Nathan’s car pulls up in his driveway and he gets out. He spots me sitting on the porch and waves at me, I wave back. He signs if he can come over, I give him a thumbs down, he crosses the street over to our front yard.

“Are you reading that book again?” He says as he comes and sits beside me, sprawling his long legs in front of him.

“Yes, I’m thinking of writing a report on it for my literature class.” I said.

“Why would you think of school work now? School doesn’t even start until Monday and almost nothing happens in the first week anyway.” He said, scooting closer.

“I don’t have much to do apart from reading so…” I said, picking on the skin on my thumb.

“Show me your fingers.” Nathan said, as I curled my hands in a fist.

“Why?” I asked, knowing the answer already.

“Give me your hand.” He said.

“But why?” I asked again.

“Come on, show me your nails.” He said, opening up his palm.

“Look at your own nails.” I said, and looked at the trees in our front yard. Nathan was quiet, his hand still extended, I didn’t look at him.

“Okay don’t.” He said, and put his hand away.

I looked at the sky, it was a wonderful shade of grey and the breeze felt cool and misty, my hoodie felt cozy even though I was wearing a pair of cotton shorts underneath.

“Stop doing that.” Nathan said.

“What?” I asked, looking at him, as he imitated me chewing my bottom lip and it immediately made me cringe.

“Please don’t imitate me.” I said.

“Why?” He asked, doing it again.

“Its cringey.” I said, not looking at him.

“But what?” He asked again.

“Ahh… stop it Nathan.” I said, pulling on his ear.

“Ow ow… let it go. I won’t do it.” He said laughing, as his ear turned red.

I liked hanging out with Nathan like this. He’d come over sometimes like this when I sat at my porch and he had time to spare in between his football practice and the next party. No one would think Nate Jacobs would be funny and imitate someone, or know about Jane Eyre or be worried about someone biting nails. I doubt he’d laugh if someone pulled his ear like that, the thought made me shiver.

“You’re so smaller than me.” He said, taking my hand from my side.

“No, you’re just huge.” I said, as I watched him looking at my bitten nails and torn skin on my fingers.

“I know, but you seem like this small huggable soft toy.” He said smiling at me and gently rubbing his thumb on my fingers.

“Your girlfriends were shorter than you too.” I said under my breath, but it was loud enough for him to hear it.

“Why? You jealous?” He said.

“No, why would I be?” I said, not pulling my hand away.

“Because you have never had a girlfriend.” He said grinning at me.

“Why would I have a girlfriend?” I said, feeling annoyed at his grin now.

“So you do have a boyfriend?” He said, raising an eyebrow and smirking.

“No I don’t. Weren’t you the popular one in school, you’d probably know if I had one.” I told him.

“So no one?” He said, cradling the hand held to his chest.

“Nope.” I said, not looking at him.

“Nice.” He said, now hugging my arm.

“I know.” I said, looking at the sky again, sitting awkwardly with Nathan hugging one my hands close to his huge body.

He finally scooted closer to me, our thighs and bodies touching, and he was looking at my nails again. I tried not to pull my hand away, not that I’d be able to. He looked at the thumb on my right hand and clicked his tongue.

“Do you chew the skin away too or pick at them? Either way, why do you do this?” He said, closing my fingers in fist.

“I don’t know, it just happens subconsciously, and when I stop that’s already happened.” I say, shrugging my shoulders as a small frown etched his brow.

“Does it not hurt?” He asked.

“Yes it does.” I said, gently taking my hand away. Nathan’s hands were cold, like always. He always had cold hands and feet despite the weather and mine were always warm.

“So, your boyfriend is a NYU student huh?” He asked, nudging my shoulder.

“No, my deceased father was a NYU professor. Read the year too.” I said, and Nathan stopped laughing.

“Oh, I’m sorry.” He said.

“Its okay. Most of them are mum’s but I stole this one. I like wearing dad’s hoodies, they are extra comfy.” I said, pulling up the sleeves to cover my arms.

“You can take some of mine. The old ones don’t fit me so you can have them.” He said and I nodded.

The sky had turned purple as sunset approached, the air was now a bit chilly, it would soon be Autumn and then winters and all will feel quiet, still and beautiful. It would be a period of recuperation and I would rest with the cycle of the season too and do things I love.

“Its almost time for tea. Do you want some?” I asked Nathan.

“No, but I’d like your company.” He said and stood up to follow me inside.

I took out my phone to text Hunter, he probably wouldn’t hear me over the yelling and noise of his game.

Me: お茶？ (Tea?)

Hunter: オレンジジュースを買ってきました。ありがとう、お姉さん。 (Got some orange juice. Thank you elder sister.)

Me: わかった。言わないで。 (Alright. Mention not.)

“Your brother and you speak in Japanese on text too?” Nathan said, quite obviously peeking into my phone over my shoulder. You cannot be subtle for someone with his stature. 

“Stop looking into my phone Nathan.” I said, keeping my phone in my pocket and setting the water to boil in the kettle.

“Okay.” Nathan said, and watched me make tea.

He stayed till I had finished having the tea I made. He didn’t drink any, but he didn’t say no to the cheesecake I offered. He left when he got a call, saying he’ll come around later. I went back to reading Jane Eyre. 

My mother wouldn’t be back before nine, I’d probably have to make dinner again today, not that I mind. I could choose what to eat if I’m making dinner.

I felt glad that Nathan or anyone from his year wouldn’t be in school this year. It felt suffocating to see all of them all at once. I’d see some of them coming by his place most of the time, Nathan being loud and rough with everyone. It made me feel scared of him most of the time even though he would still be gentle and sweet in front of me. It made me doubt if I should trust him at all with everything I heard about him in school, and I was sure that if anyone found out we were friends then I would also become one of the genre of rumors that revolved around him.

Nathan changed drastically as he went on to play football. He liked it, it was obvious but the company that came with it, the popularity that followed changed him as a person. He made this completely different persona of him that felt like a stranger to me. Hence, I avoided him in school and I think he was okay with it. It was dangerous to be close to him and the drama that followed him all the time.

Lexi Howard’s play last year must have hit a sore spot in him somewhere too. I mean his toxic masculinity did seem forced and unnecessary most of the time even though I never expressed anything regarding it to him, that persona of Nathan never ever came out in front of me.But I knew that that play had brought out a kind of introspection in him.