blogger boy

i want to post on one of my main accounts (either my main tumblr or twitter or snap or something idk) about how i realized one reason i feel so bad and alone is that while i have friends and family none of them are people i feel that i can count on or lean on when i need it and i’m afraid to post it for those people to see because i don’t want them to feel bad but then again why the fuck are they not showing me that they care in the first place??? should i care about their feelings as much as i do when they don’t seem to put forth any effort to make me feel loved?

im worried because when i think of my future it feels more like why would i even think about it because i’m gonna kill myself eventually

i just feel fucking sick at the thought that i wanted to kill myself and i don’t want to right now but i just keep thinking about it and i have so many problems and truly my life doesn’t feel real right now i don’t know how to explain it other than i just feel so fucking sick

i guess something that’s been bothering me is that if my friend suspects that something might be wrong with me but just operates under the assumption that we’re growing apart without genuinely checking in, why should i be the one to feel bad that i haven’t been communicating? i’ve been preoccupied with my depression and with the thought of what it would be like to kill myself, and here i am crying over letting my friend down when she didn’t even check up on me. i’m not mad at her because i know she has her own shit, i’m just deciding to not be mad at myself either

i keep thinking about what it would be like to kill my self. i don’t have plans, it’s nothing something i’m going to do. but i’m scared that it’s becoming more of an option than it ever has been. is there a place i can go, someone i can talk to, about this without them reporting me and telling my family and putting me on a watch? it’s not that i’m going to do it, so that’s really not necessary. but my depression is really bad. i’m starting to think that when i was a teenager and thought i was depressed, maybe i really was just angsty because this is so different, this is how they describe it in the commercials. this is blankness and nothingness and getting-out-of-bed-is-so-hard-ness. this is so much. my life is falling apart. i’m trying to balance literally only three things, and every time i sacrifice one of them i somehow end up sacrificing all of them at once. i don’t know what to do. i want a way out. i would like to just run away but i won’t (so if i go missing and this post comes up, i didn’t actually run away because i could never do that). i’m not going to kill myself because i could never do that to the people around me. i’m just sick. i’m so sick. and i don’t want to do anything about it. i don’t trust anyone enough to tell them, except the one person i do trust and she is also in crisis so i can’t do that to her right now. i’m just so tired.

help! how do i tell my best friend that i would love to be in a polyamorous relationship with her and her boyfriend but if she doesn’t want to then i am also not affected at all because i just want her to be happy but in a joking way so that she doesn’t take it seriously until she thinks back on it later!

ok but here’s my take: punk people and ~hardcore~ people and people generally Like That get on my last damn nerve, i never like them, i get annoyed when i have to be around them, and i Know it’s a me-problem but fuck idk man it just kills me