Peter

That friend group that you thought was The One leaving you out is one of the most painful things in the world

At my dads house (I’m staying with him for vacation, he lives out of state) and having a terrible day and want to smoke soooo bad but don’t wanna risk it by being high around him but fuckkkk I wanna fucking die

Im not someone who hurts myself anymore. And even when I did, not enough to leave a scar, I have a low pain tolerance and pain scares me. But I'm a person who loves it when I get a bruise or little scratch or mark or whatever, ill stare at it until it disappears. I like getting hospital wristbands, ill wear it until the ink starts rubbing off, then ill keep it in a box. I've had to get IV's lately, last time I had to get poked twice cuz I react like a toddler, I thrash and cry and shout. So the first one didn't go well and the bruise it left on my hand was large and dark. I loved starting at it, loved running my hand over it, feeling the tiny bump where the hole was.

I hate when people say getting a boyfriend won't solve my problems. But what if my problems are feeling invisible, disliked, unwanted? A boy who finally sees me, who wants me, who will give me love and affection like I've always wanted. What else will solve my issues then? I won't suddenly not feel lonely anymore just because I decided I don't need anyone. I need people. I need friends. I need love. And I feel so so so so deprived of it.

I wish I had real friends. I wanna hang out in someone's bedroom. I want someone to randomly call me. I want to get a text when I'm bored at home that they're parked outside my house. I want to be surprised on my birthday. I want to be taken to a random parking lot in the middle of the night when we're getting rowdy. I want to be invited to lunch on weekends. I wish I mattered that much to anyone.

Fuck everyone who’s ever had a boyfriend. Fuck y’all. I don’t wanna hear you talk about your fucking boyfriend. Fuck you.

I wish there was some magic solution that could just fix my crazy heartrate. Thought it was weed but I think its been making me sick. It feels like nothing can work out. The one solution I had turned against me

Really frustrating that one of my closest friends that I'm also kinda semi-romantic with has to keep getting boyfriends so I can't talk to him for extended periods of time so I don't offend said boyfriend. Also the not getting to talk to them thing is mostly on their part. They tend to only talk to me when not dating someone. Also we're long distance and our relationship has never properly been talked about. Frustrating.