opinionated

i have met a number of psychologists, counsellors and psychiatrists and the most recent one sat me down and said that- i have problems.

of course i fucking do. i see the graph they analysed for me according to my tests- and all of the points are highly above the normal line. what do you mean by 'i have problems'.

my thoughts are a bit scrambled now- they always are but i'm going to list them down systematically before i lose track and jump off the 56th floor.

why am i even doing this?

1. first of all, i am going to state that i understand that there are other worse cases than mine. people suffering even more than i am. families more broken apart than mine. i hope y'all stay strong and not be cowards like me.

2. i am emotionally distant from my family since young. i had three stepsisters that lived in the capital, and when i started elementary school their mom passed away and came here to stay with us.

3. my father is the divorcee, and my mother didn't like my stepsisters, vice versa. it used to stress her out a lot, and when i was young my parents will argue until 3 am. but my dad likes to yell, so i'll hear him screaming all sorts of threats when i was like 6 or something. i couldn't sleep, and usually will hide under the sheets i think. i used to believe in god then as a christian, and remembered praying earnestly everyday for my parents to stop. they never did, and gradually i lost faith. it escalated to the point where they will throw wine glasses and remote controls at each other and resorted to physical violence. my sisters were at this point at least 16, the oldest being 21 and they could handle it. i'm not sure whether it gifted me some trauma subconsciously, but i started drifting away from my father.

4. i guess at this point my mother was stressed. a few years later the sisters left home one by one to pursue studies, and the youngest still had high school to finish. my mother was tasked to take care of my sister, her financial needs, bills, and so on. my father at this point already moved to the capital and started working there to support the family. at this time, the education bills of my other sisters' that left home for university have started to pile up. while i can't say that my father was struggling to pay it off, it was more like we must not to waste anything, the less the better. so my mother was jobless long time ago. she had to ask my father for bills for my youngest sister's school fees and food, and they usually ended up in an argument over phone. over money. this was when my mother started dumping her emotional stress and baggage on me.

5. she also started hallucinating, and hearing an imaginary voice in her head. started talking more about it to me. my youngest sister did not like my mother at all. so, faced with the stress on both husband and stepdaughter, she had me as a trashcan to dump all her stress on me. it taught me the importance of money when i was young, as she ranted about it everyday. when she drove me to school, back from school, to tuition- it was an outlet for her to rant her stress on me. i didn't say anything, my father didn't know anything, and my sister hated everything. she did this for 7 years, the entirety of my childhood. i had to shoulder the burdens and the problems that she had.

6. i didn't like my parents at all. i didn't grow up with a family that i could rely on or protect me. they were not my refuge, they were not my home. my father comes back to visit me every three weeks, which i think is totally unnecessary. at this point, i have developed a very unhealthy lifestyle, not sleeping until the early morning. recently, skipping three meals a day. i don't really have self esteem. my parents have grown better, fortunately, but that landed more problems on me. i don't like my parents.

7. i don't have any aspirations or motivation to life anymore. i haven't dreamt in a long time. nothing holds me to this world, and i have nothing to live for. i am worth nothing. everyday i rot. my grades are falling. this sounds so cliche but i guess i'll still write it down. i'm so, so tired of breathing. of surviving. it's just empty. everything's empty. i don't even feel sad anymore. i don't deserve happiness. i'm such a fool.

8. after that self deprecatory talk, let's go back to the topic. as much as i didn't like being at home, i would be at school for far longer than i should have been. i was bullied, yes, in a abusive friendship with my best friend. i had no one to cling onto, so i desperately clung onto my only friend. she and others verbally bullied me from time to time, and i suffered from low self esteem because of it. i feel like i'm going insane, jesus christ. anyway, i'll rather be bullied than be at home. my house was always noisy.

9. somewhere, somehow, last year, i became suicidal. i don't know how. if life gave us an option to hibernate, i would have jumped at the chance. i just didn't want to exist anymore. my family didn't really care. i don't know how to explain. it just eats away at you and leaves a hollow shell. i'm too tired to explain the rest in poetic prose and flowery language.