m.r.n

Here I am, body.

I am tired, I don't understand you

Can't understand how you carry the burdens of my mind with you

Day in day out

My skin feels worn out, I am trusting on you

There is something happening and I don't know why

I feel this way, why I live this way, what even is the way?

We are alone, zoned out, of this earth

Trapped and captured, attached with my insides

I wish I could turn my self inside out

turn off all the doubts

but I can't

I am just being me

crushes keep crushing me

they crumble my heart like a cookie

I hope you like me, I don't want to tell you first

cookies crumble quicker when they're burnt

my love has flames

nobody likes burnt cookies, but I hope

you do

everybody is trying to be something

I know she is trying to push me away (in a subtle way)

and doesn't want to be my friend

and I don't want to be hers

then you came

not trying to be something

like me

that makes me want to be yours

I keep collecting missing puzzle pieces

trying to make a new puzzle with them

but there’s always a piece missing

even from the missing puzzle piece puzzle

(where is the goddamn puzzle piece)

there is a riddle rolling of your tongue

a mystery to be revealed

are you just trying to be cool or should I solve you?

(don't riddlecule me)

smoking numbers

counting crystals

I fucking love it when I get it

(maeth)

how am I, hwo am I, who am I.

I am doing great things, but do I feel great? I am not sure how I am, I feel insecure, but not the 'poking my thighs' kind of insecure or the 'I am making a fool out of myself' insecure. not the social insecure. I am more existential and personal insecure. the 'how do I feel about living' insecure and the 'how do I feel about me' insecure and not the 'how do others think about me' insecure. even tho I am moving forward to ''succes'', it doesn't make me feel any different. succes doesn't equal happiness. just like happiness is not something you can achieve or set as your life goal. the purpose of living is living, I know it, but I don't like it. it feels like such a pointless idea. if the goal is living, that means we are accomplishing the goal since the day we were born. I am not sure how I am suppose to accept that, I can't strife for happiness, because that's part of what's making people (including me) depressed. happiness is an idea, maybe even an ideal. maybe happiness doesn't exist. I never feel happy happy.

the things I feel are different, more complex: at peace, alive, sappy (sad and happy at the same time), relieved, tired, careless and more that I can't think of. I think that too much shit happend, in the world, in my life or in other people their lifes, to make me feel happy.

should I care about

burning forests, sour seas or the disappearing of bees?

the mighty men took the world in their wrong hands

I bet they can’t even take care of their own plants

I never stood a chance against the world

never took a glance at growing old

the earth is limited anyway

it can't be only our fault

quality vs quantity

I know what I would pick

you may call me egocentric

but I just want to live my life a bit careless

I have worried enough

-

the waves 

shape me

my sharp edges soften

by the sea’s touch

rock on the bottom

the water takes my layers

until I am naked

until I am only light

the sea takes me to the shore

where childrens’ hands find me

just to throw me back

in the abyss

rules: bold the ones that are true and tag 15 people to do it.

I got tagged by @sammaske :)

APPEARANCE:

I’m over 5’5” // I wear glasses/contacts // I have blonde hair // I prefer loose clothing to tight clothing  // I have one or more piercings // I have at least one tattoo // I have blue eyes // I have dyed or highlighted my hair // I have gotten plastic surgery // I have or had braces // I sunburn easily // I have freckles // I paint my nails // I typically wear makeup // I don’t often smile // I am pleased with how I look // I prefer Nike to Adidas // I wear baseball hats backwards

HOBBIES AND TALENTS:

I play a sport // I can play an instrument // I am artistic // I know more than one language // I have won a trophy in some sort of competition // I can cook or bake without a recipe // I know how to swim // I enjoy writing // I can do origami // I prefer movies to tv shows // I can execute a perfect somersault // I enjoy singing // I could survive in the wild on my own // I have read a new book series this year // I enjoy spending time with friends // I travel during school or work breaks // I can do a handstand

RELATIONSHIP:

I am in a relationship // I have been single for over a year // I have a crush // I have a best friend I have known for ten years // my parents are together // I have dated my best friend // I am adopted // my crush has confessed to me // I have a long distance relationship // I am an only child // I give advice to my friends // I have made an online friend // I met up with someone I have met online

AESTHETICS:

I have heard the ocean in a conch shell // I have watched the sun rise // I enjoy rainy days // I have slept under the stars // I meditate outside // the sound of chirping calms me // I enjoy the smell of the beach // I know what snow tastes like // I listen to music to fall asleep // I enjoy thunderstorms // I enjoy cloud watching // I have attended a bonfire // I pay close attention to colours // I find mystery in the ocean // I enjoy hiking on nature paths // autumn is my favourite season

MISCELLANEOUS:

I can fall asleep in a moving vehicle // I am the mom friend // I live by a certain quote // I like the smell of sharpies // I am involved in extracurricular activities// I enjoy Mexican food // I can drive a stick-shift // I believe in true love // I make up scenarios to fall asleep // I sing in the shower // I wish I lived in a video game // I have a canopy above my bed // I am multiracial // I am a redhead // I own at least three dogs

I think I have the fear of missing out

I am afraid of missing something

I fear I am missing something

i am leaving

an old place

i packed light

ready to go

on a journey

or maybe

not ready at all

a lot of times the things we want

are not the things we need

in this progress

i hope to never stand still

again

and if i do

i hope it’s in a better place

than my mind was before

i will be gone

for some time

but i will return as a person

who climbed mountains

the Kaleidoscopes in my pupils confuse me

I can’t recognize my feelings and I don’t want to remember my memories

my eyes catch Light differently through thousand mirrors

it’s a Little too bright, so i walk with fear of blindness to my home

there has been enough stress, enough pain, enough frustration and it’s the combination of the three that brought me down this week

My life is not how i want it to be, this is not how i wanted it to go

the sun has gone down, just a few seconds ago and i am far away from here or there or anywhere

i want to eat some chocolate chip cookies, instead of being cautious about everything i do and everything i say, that might cause a unpleasant reaction from another

i don’t have the Energy to stand up for myself, I don’t have the energy to create something for me and I don’t have the energy to be me

(ijustwanttosleepandijustwanttofeelsomejoycreatesomethingandjustdomorestuffthatkeepsmeawayfrommyselfdestructivethoughtsiamnotaskingformorethanthat)