embarrassment has good bones
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@blackberryhearted
embarrassment has good bones

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its gonna be nothing like you planned
*through gritted teeth* the world is GOOD. people are kind. Humans are NOT inherently selfish. you will make it through this year. recovery is possible. people you don't know yet will love you. You are going to do things you can't even imagine right now. You are going to read a rlly good book. You are going to eat some rlly good food. You are going to experience joy again. Things can get better. Situations can change. You can choose to be kinder. The world can change for the better.
Can anyone recommend some entry level behaviours? Thinking of getting into being

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as someone who constantly gets stuck in ruminative cycles, figuring out a way to stop the cycle before it gets out of hand has been incredibly formative for me. if you find yourself ruminating or unable to stop the cycling, here’s a place to start.
am i learning, processing, or ruminating? it’s important to be able to distinguish between the three. learning is when you receive new information that updates your frame of understanding. processing is when you study a situation to help yourself understand it. ruminating is when you cycle over the same thought repeatedly, often causing distress. learning and processing are productive, while rumination is destructive.
which theme is this? understanding the root of the spiral has helped me to untangle why the rumination feels so intense and scary. (example: i’ve been ruminating on one specific interaction with someone where i think they might’ve misinterpreted what i meant. this is my theme of fear around being misunderstood.)
how do i respond? (example: okay, this is that theme of being misunderstood. but it is not my job to make myself perfectly understood. the people i have around me can ask clarifying questions if they’re confused, and they are willing to meet me in the middle because they want to understand.)
don’t feed the raccoons tuna. (this is an example from my therapist that i love! essentially, don’t feed the beast or it will keep coming back. distract yourself, journal, listen to music, etc.)
everyone be nice to the living things we share this world with Now. yes this includes bugs and plants that annoy you. no this does not mean you cant hurt anything ever. but it does mean don’t be cruel about it and don’t say mean things about them.
i really like the framing of living things being our relatives. i like framing us as having relationships with them. with mosquitos. with plants we tend to. with the land we can burn. i want to move in the world in a way that helps every living thing thrive. when i collect seeds i leave some, i take some, and i grab some to disperse nearby. i try to avoid walking on plants that do not tolerate disturbance as well. i pick up litter. i disturb the invasive plants to allow the native plants to grow in a little thicker. i swipe at mosquitos that have landed on me cause that is the relationship we are in. they are beautiful and special and important but i will play my role as Monkey That Does Not Want To Be Bit lol
very often i run into people who insist they love nature and its majesty and its beauty but the way they talk about it is so foreign to how i think and feel about the earth. they own the land. they travel to spectate. they anthropomorphize animals instead of being curious about how they actually live and feel. they speak with disdain about plants and animals that are inconvenient or unpleasant to them. it hurts to see.
watching my husband get diagnosed with and treated for sleep apnea over the last year was not the thing that radicalized me re: weight and healthcare but my goodness it has solidified my stances.
sleep apnea is more common in people who are fat.
society decided for some reason that this meant that being fat causes sleep apnea. its often difficult to get referrals for sleep apnea treatment if you are fat, because some PCPs will tell you try losing weight first.
turns out!! having untreated sleep apnea causes weight gain in a not-insignificant number of people. it also makes it fucking impossible for many people to lose weight.
my husband worked out the same amount before he got a cpap as he does now. there have been no major diet changes either. yet he has been losing weight -- and gaining muscle tone -- consistently since he started using a cpap in january.
also, his blood pressure -- which was high, which docs blamed on his weight/diet -- went down significantly within one month of starting cpap treatment, before his weight changed significantly.
ANYWAYS. this is getting long. two final thoughts.
- I Want To Strangle Medical Fatphobia With My Bare Fucking Hands
- if you are exhausted constantly for "no reason", and especially if you snore, you should probably ask your doctor about getting tested for sleep apnea. it is extremely common -- estimates are around 1 in 10 people -- and is also wildly under-diagnosed. like, some estimates suggest that 80% of people with moderate-severe sleep apnea are undiagnosed.
learned to my utter dissatisfaction that these were in fact local ads and the entire world hasn't seen them

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a sample of halloween pins from The Button Museum in Chicago, IL
How it feels to take a shower
i need to lock in (doesnt)

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reorganized bedroom, 2008