eyes submerged

the waters been acidic

vision blurred

and now so clear

i feel revolting

-real but never realistic

the gut holds bile

and pain

the heart is only for others to carry and use

the light betrays me my mind

and so do you

and it burns through the cracks of the trees, shooting up viens in the leaves,

and inside me..

so i am revolting!! you see!!

🩶 those heart-shaped lies are my

favorite kind 🩶

[but that’s a voided thought]

-at least while i fill up the parking lot with emptiness and cigarette ash

until my seatbelt restricts and jams

restrict

and hold me down

i think my head gets foggy in these cigarette clouds:(

knocking myself down with all of these doubts

and still i have this owl keeping guard at my bedroom window!

that keeps me from escaping these thoughts..

and i hate how it guilts me, when i wish he would not..

so revolting is what i am

next to you in the car

and i hear the angel wings of my prison guard owl as i pray

-every time i think i have nearly freed myself from your cage

WHY MUST I GET MY HOPES UP THIS HIGH EVERY TIME!

and oh how he hoots like the sound of a bell!!

like a whistle calling me back to hell!

and i’m stuck inside the car

with the seatbelt

tightening

around

my

neck

everytime i’m in a rush

and it’s never the rush i’d like! but oh well!

honey please!

-slow down so you can truly hear me

but you don’t (even when you listen)

NOW THE OWL TELLS ME SINS AND ALL YOUR SECRETS

how i want to save you from disaster

and i know i shouldn’t, but to me

it’s all that matters

right now i wish that el was here.. to express how i sit in rising fear, because i know he’d understand.

for if i spoke these words out loud

we know a fist would tighten up your hand

so i see that im revolting and it’s the reason that i can’t

i’m scared

and the owl tells me my time is

ticking

…heart is beating?

ugh a different kind of betrayal

to feel your body slowly fail

so maybe comfort and panic

aren’t actually the same thing?

maybe life isn’t meant to have any meaning, and that’s why so many of us are stuck searching..

-why i have to see the stars each night

and why i thank them one by one

searching

night after night

i always feel so lucky

when seeing more than one

I FEAR THEY’LL BE RIPPED

AWAY

torn from my flesh

so sometimes i carve up, and mark up my skin

gotta relieve the anxiety and fear that’s burning deep within

“i have to give the pain a wound”

-the loveliest excuse 

oh the hatred!!

i have for confrontation!!!

(AND MYSELF)

because bullies don’t stay behind in high school

noooo

the hatred and humor

in the fact that they live in my home!

because i put them there!!

a mirror?

NOOOOOO

“mirrorrsss” are some of them, and often my worst enemy

so trust me

if my luck didn’t matter

i’d just end that with a shatter!

cry myself to sleep

in a bed of glass

and cigarette ash

i just

feel revolting

-i’m always nauseous from the thought-

and a person can only take so much!

so i’d rather just take your hand but

i fear i sicken you

just as much as i

sicken myself

i see your mind

and you turn away..

I SEE YOUR LIES

SOMEHOW THEY SHUN ME THE SAME

i used to stand solid

I AM REVOLTING

to me, and i must be to you!

I WAS SOLID, ICE COLD

to everyone

but you

and now look at me so scared!

warm and melting through your fingers..

unsure of what to do!

grasping for truth!

and grasping for

you

before you thought they could be me?

how many lines clung like dirt to your eyes

blurring your vision with sympathy?

oh you killed and buried me with your lips & teeth

now they rot just like me

how often do you taste mud when you choke

think

when did you start to see, you were underestimating the death of me

-through my ghost

the part you couldn’t decompose

divinity

all my breath

rid not only toxins and hauntings

but the entire black pit

give these apparitions no place to live

i would cry it into contract

the contrast

but the dust settles into words i try and speak

and where i sit

of the person you think you knew

not a hint or a clue

and sweetheart that’s on you

how the light betrays

me

my mind

and so do you

I CANT FIND!

SOMEWHERE

FRACTURED!

IN MY MIND

and how about you?

2 BITE

MY TONGUE 4 U

the character that you play

or as bad as the words you couldn’t

but wished to say

the blackest blue,

cold-hearted truth!

Could never envisage

that form of darkness,

that clouded my view!

bring me to light and truth!!

help me to see through the cracks that hold the lies!!

friends and angels surround me!!

while some guard

and some spy!!

so i wake and i pray for vibrancy

to shine where these dull shadows lie

and i see flowers that should wilt!!

but they don’t!!

rays beam down right from the sky!!

panic in my breath

there’s not a bee!!

not a fly!!!

only chemicals and pain steaming from the leaves!!

and right before my eyes!!

when they bloom

it’s all disguise

I TOLD YOU

THAT I THOUGHT

MY MIND WAS

HELL :(

AND NOW I KNOW THAT

TO BE

TRUE

IN THE DARKNESS

WHERE I SPENT MY TIME

WITH YOU

AS HARSH AS A LOADED GUN

I EVEN BEG

BUT IT NEVER COMES

):

LIKE YOUR CHILDHOOD

YOUR YOUTH

STILL LIVING IN THE DEEPEST DARK

AND PARTS

IN YOU

i see darkness all around me

that only i can see

it grabs me by the throat & fills my lungs so i can’t breathe

but i can’t ask for help i think

i was born without freedom of speech

but someday light will prevail

is what i believe

saving me from drowning in black seas

in this life i pain and suffer

but smiling i thank God on my knees

for coming with light

and saving the last bit of life left in me

i hope it haunts you and echos in a way that isn’t kind