bitterness & sorrow

so. i’ve been gone. for a little while. the reasoning is pretty simple. a lot, and i mean a lot, of bad things happened at once. one of those being the passing of my grandfather. my grandfather, who i loved very very fiercely. today was his service and various family affairs i had to attend and the last week was very ... unnerving. very unsettling. today was the worst of it because my family just. acted like they were over it. and i was stuck there crying. it’s weird. i went to my grandparents house today and his stuff was still there and i ended up having another breakdown. i got extremely ... suicidal. but after taking a break for myself and leaving the house ( and promptly passing out bc too much emotional strain damn ) i felt better. i’m still not 100% , but now that this is all over i can try and put it behind me. not sure i’ll be able to immediately get over this but i can try and heal. my grandfather was everything to me. he was special. and kind. and a great, smart man. i even wore his dress shoes to my high school graduation, bc he couldn’t go and i wanted a part of him there w/ me. i know im just spewing words right now. but i wanna say thank you for standing by me. i know i dont owe tumblr an explanation to my absence, but to my friends here i believe i do. i’m very stressed & depressed but i will try my hardest to be back here. death never sits well with me. my family is falling apart bit by bit and there’s nothing i can do. i’m trying to heal. but it’s taking a while. thank you all for understanding.