Guess we've been toxic all along

Unfortunately, there is no way to separate out negativity entirely in a 2026 political environment, which is part of why I failed to motivate myself to sort posts earlier. I cannot quarantine current events and general social justice topics, but I think I've rerouted all the excessively depressing ones that are not informative. Some might slip through because I still am not sure where the line should go.

Mostly what I'm doing, is getting rid of all posts related to community, social support, or identity that I have any sort of addition to, as well as any personal posts even if I think they're positive. I was hoping that eventually I would bounce back from the group rejection trauma a few years ago eventually, but instead the spiral has just kept getting worse, I can't stop being a toxic miserable person and at this point has clearly driven my other friends to have lost faith in my character.

I tried, so hard, so many years to be a positive likeable person. And it worked, to an extent. People kept me at arms length never really crossing the line to friendship, probably because they could sense it was just a performance. It's supposed to eventually stop being a performance, but years of giving it my all and I realized I was just repurposing my Retailsona and tbh if anything internally, having to do that was burning me the fuck out. And then the pandemic happened and everything positive I had to talk about in my life, playing pokemon go, going to concerts, the classes I was taking, all went away. As time goes on I lose more, I can't maintain interest in so called "hyperfixations" even anymore, so even if I manage to do ok in a discord server, I end up running out of things to say before I can befriend anyone.

I can't talk to any existing friends properly because I don't know how. I objectively do not care about anything anymore, I have no goals, I don't do anything but sit in my room or do menial life tasks. Even if I had a speck of motivation for hobbies (which I don't) I do no have the time or energy with the way the world is falling apart. I tried to go back to all those things I missed from pre-pandemic and found I couldn't. There is nothing left of who I was. I don't know who I am now. Someone who doesn't enjoy anything or have anything to say about anything. I wish I never tricked myself into thinking I could be likeable. I think everyone, including me liked the original broken defective version of me better than the current empty one. My dedication to trying to suppress my negativity has gone even worst than not trying.

I barely listen to music anymore and have no motivation to seek any out. I forget the update scheduled of my favorite comics and haven't watched an anime in like a year. I don't draw now the hyperfixation crashed again. I am getting closer and closer to actively disliking driving and the state of my cars is basically a constant low grade panic. Yes, I probably have depression, but i have had depression for 30 fucking years and forcing myself used to at least have the possibility of making me glad I did whatever, and now I just get a guilt spiral because I am wasting so much of my limited time and energy trying to perform Not Miserable that it's actually making me fall behind on life responsibilities.

I reopened this blog because I felt bad subjecting people to my whining but as long as reblogs show up for the person you reblog from/the op IDK if this is even ethically harm reduction enough.

I keep thinking about a friend who sorta latched onto my friend groups who ended up frustrated that the majority of them didn't reach out and start conversations and how in retrospect, I should've listened to her. She ended up muted by 90% of the friends in question, for some valid reasons of often feeling like you were talking to a brick wall, but I think about that a lot lately. Because the fact no one was willing to rock the boat with her means I have actual confirmation that the majority of those friends will never tell me if I become "too annoying". They will tell each other on accounts I don't know about.

I am at this point, too far gone to feel comfortable starting one on one conversations again. You have to understand, that even without allowing myself this, I still had the last person who gave me permission to DM me block me for violating some boundary I still to this day can only speculate about. And the only interactions I had with that person for a month before it happened while reading a post on their blog, was reblogging their posts and adding tags.

Maybe some of this has honestly been a cry for help, hoping for some kind of reaction, even if it was a negative one confirming my worst fears. Knowing someone hates me is actually way less upsetting and damaging than having to wonder about it. Asking the question is inherently abusive even if you aren't at the point of worrying DMs are inherently violating.

I feel like I'm probably getting the same treatment as the other girl did from most of my friends. Not ghosting, but sorta just withdrawing slowly and waiting for loss of contact to naturally occur. And it worked with the last girl, I haven't heard from her in ages. She got the message she was unwanted and mostly moved on from what I can tell. I think she has new people who actually talk to her last I saw. Good for her. She deserves that.

The reality is the reason I can't leave this spiral is the only thing that works on my intrusive thoughts is evidence that they're inaccurate... and I don't have a shred of evidence against this one. Nothing to convince me that it's "safe" to reach out to anyone. That doing so wouldn't be an act of harm against them. The trauma that did this was literally from people feeling obligated to support me when they weren't comfortable doing so. Who found even being asked about if something being ok to be pressure to say it was. And I know my current friends struggle with the same shit.

What is the point of crying for help anymore, anyway? Why am I reblogging and tagging things? No one is coming, I know that by now. I'm not mad, I know I did this to myself and everyone is too burnt out to take on an additional burden. I drove everyone away, and this is what I deserve. It's no one else's fault I couldn't find a therapist that could do anything but CBT. That's just life. That's the cards I've been dealt. The only positive thing about me at all is that I can recognize I don't have the right to drag people down with me into this hole.

Like I don't actually have hobbies or interests at all. I don't enjoy art. I don't enjoy music. Even my prized car is just a dread filled burden now. I keep trying to pick up new things but I don't care about anything. And even if I did, I simply don't have the energy anymore. I actually think I might be more deconditioned than when I started this blog, and that's with basically no treatment left to try. I want to better myself and find new things I like and make people like me, but I can barely keep up with basic chores and even trying new things is a guilt spiral of failing to keep up.

Someone I went to college with reached out last year and I had a chance to have another friend again and I botched it because I cannot have a conversation about anything positive because positive doesn't exist to me anymore. I can only live vicariously through fiction, and that is causing massive blowback. Like sure wish I could watch the new Frieren season. I suspect if I try I'll have a mental breakdown over the fact I cannot imagine even getting a last goodbye for my LDR at this point.

I am too impaired to better myself and the "person" I am has literally nothing to offer anyone unless they've known me long enough that dropping me would be kinda a bummer. That's why I can't make friends and only acquaintances. Because I max out at casual small talk that is almost entirely dependent on the other person having enough things they want to talk about to make up for the fact I have nothing to bring to the conversation. I literally function exactly like a chat bot but less effectively, only being able to offer people fawning over the things they say and never actually contribute to the relationship. No amount of being nice can make up for being an empty husk, and I can't even do that right because of communication issues.

All I can do is continue to be a burden on the people who made the mistake of having a relationship with me and haven't ended it yet. Tbh I would consider just blocking everyone for their own good if I wasn't worried it would make them more isolated. Most of my interactions with friend now have worse more triggering communication issues than ones with mom. I really shouldn't have anything but acquaintances and a therapist unless I become a person again, and my best therapist of a dozen still couldn't help me at all so basically just the acquaintances then.