American Made Machine

has anyone figured out how to turn off the thing where you love your pet so much it slides inexorably into grief-borrowing

"I hate when the skeletons on decorations aren't anatomically accurate." A Halloween skeleton isn't the same as what's inside you, idiot. It's different. A Halloween skeleton is, like. A guy or something. It's an animal.

If Halloween skeletons had bones like ours instead of hollow bones like that of a bird, they wouldn't be able to play their ribcages like xylophones. You sound so fucking uneducated right now.

Her just pouring the puree straight over the duck's head because she knows there's no getting that duck out of the cup is killing me

Catholic church doesnt even allow divorce if domestic violence is involved and vatican city wouldnt exist nowadays without the help of Benito fucking Mussolini and yet theres always some motherfucker being like i hope the next pope is pro gay marriage. I hope I get a house from Santa Claus this year. I hope a horse is going to buy me cheese in the grocery store

"If I wanted garbage, I'd go to Bonnie's tumblr"

cats are really good at looking at things. very useful

having two cats essentially means you have a bug and rodent triangulation system. if they are both looking somewhere you know for damn sure there is some unauthorised fucking thing there.

“Terf is a slur used to silence us” dang bitch I wish it worked shut the fuck up

my d.b. cooper theory is that the rapture happened while he was falling and he was the only christian worthy of heaven