BillyGOAT is just tired

I’m still figuring out my identity and such, and I know at the very least I don’t identify with female- not fully at the very very least, but the school year is starting soon which means I see my friends again

Why does that matter? I haven’t told them ANYTHING. Nothing at all. And I’m still not sure if I want to, but I also don’t want to get called my irl name or just what I (unfortunately) present as? But I’d also rather that than actually say something.. y’know?

And it’s not that they wouldn’t be supportive, I’m sure they would be, but it’s just terrifying to me… sooooo I know I didn’t get any advice last time I asked the people on here about trans stuff but I’m gonna try again just in case. Any idea what I should do..?

And if we never meet again in this life, maybe we’ll meet again in another life or the afterlife

I still don’t really know how some things between us were casual, but I feel like that’s just me not understanding what love is like, honestly. But that day at the movie theater… that wasn’t casual to me. Granted it was a year after being rejected, but still..

It’s been almost four school years since I got rejected and I’ll still randomly get these heavy weights of misery on my chest where I just miss our friendship, where I wonder if I’d done something wrong despite him reassuring me that I was the best person to have liked him.. where I wonder if I were different would he have reciprocated my feelings, where I just want to hug something and pretend it’s him, etc.

And I’ve genuinely cried over him before too. We used to be such close friends, but somewhere along the way (after I got kicked from the IB program and after the second semester of that next year of not having the same lunch) we started drifting apart. Messages became less frequent, when I ended up getting the same lunch again I tried to sit with the group and felt like a complete outsider again, and all the while I had to pretend it wasn’t eating me up inside. After all, I’d been reassured by one of our other friends that they wouldn’t forget about me or leave me out because it was genuinely my worst fear then… what a joke that was

But right now it all feels so heavy. I miss our routines, our dumbass jokes and him being able to read me like a book. He’d elbow me before I could even consider making a joke about something and we’d still laugh about it after. And it sucks even more because even in sleep he haunts my mind. Every now and then he’ll appear in my dreams and those are still some of the best dreams I have. All innocent, by the way, and all just us being stupid and just like how we were again.

Cannons are weapons

Canon is something that is fact in a story or can be related to poems

They are not the same nor are they interchangeable

If your favorite character is Shadow Milk, you just tied the noose for yourself, grab a shield you’re at war with 90% of the fandom

Their reasons for hating him? “Omg he’s the Jax of crk” “Devsis is milking him” “I wish he were dead” “cash cow” “too much screen time” “horrible writing” and yes.. you will get death threats sometimes (hasn’t happened to me yet but I’ve heard about it happening to others)

And then the constant war over ships… unless it’s problematic, you shouldn’t give a fuck who ships what. Purelily is cool, shadowvanilla is cool, Purecacao is cool, etc (because yes, most of the issues I’ve seen with this are related to who PV is shipped with)

And then there’s ALWAYS something to complain about. Which fine, whatever, but when you see it EVERYWHERE? Especially when it’s about something you genuinely enjoyed? It makes it unenjoyable…

And then the constant mischaracterization and people ARGUING OVER IT- I personally get annoyed at the little things (people headcanoning Shmilk can’t cook or understand certain languages, for example… he was the Fount of Knowledge bro he’ll know, or people acting like PV is defenseless and a pathetic twink… LITERALLY NO BUT WHATEVER) And what I mean by them arguing over it is people will have two or more completely wrong characterizations for a character and they’ll argue which one is “right” and then say the actual characterization is shitty writing or something..

I panicked when I saw this

See, I never actually played that story stuff in CROB, but I recognized it INSTANTLY

Yes I’m still that fixated on Harlequin shhh… he’s not the topic for once

But I was STRESSED

BUT OH MY GOD?! HIS VOICEEEEEEEE