BillyGOAT is just tired

And then I’m gonna have to sit through my hair being curled or whatever the fuck…

Seriously… I’ve told my mom MULTIPLE TIMES I hate when people touch me. She still does.

I get shaky whenever smth sharp is poked at my face or whenever even one of my nostrils is partially plugged. She does it anyway and then questions how that makes me shaky.

And then lectures me about the “real world”…

All while I’m trying not to burst out sobbing or curl into myself because I’ll just get smacked in the face if I do (particularly if I do the latter)

And then she reminds me I don’t have that long with my therapist because I’m about to be too old… which is NOT FUCKING HELPING IN THE SLIGHTEST.

How many more times do I have to express my discomfort before it sinks in..

Edit: she also keeps talking about washing my hair for me (which I can do just fucking fine myself, I just pick at my scalp incessantly after my hair dries… I genuinely don’t know why, don’t ask) and blow-drying it (sensory hell + visceral discomfort) and curling it (see at parentheses for blow drying my hair)

So, if anyone actually knows psychology on here, could you help me with something?

I’ve realized a little bit more recently that things that should make me feel some sort of reaction emotionally… well.. haven’t. Sad stuff hasn’t had an effect on me, deaths in the family I feel nothing over, and it feels like the only exceptions are movies or games where I have a deep connection to something or the message hits too personally, and even then I feel like I’m faking my reactions just to force myself to cry.

Like, I know how I SHOULD be reacting to things, and I tend to mirror others’ reactions just to “blend in” but I don’t FEEL it.

My mom even questioned why I was laughing about smth when she actually had an excuse to be finding dumb things funny and my only genuine response was “I’m laughing because you’re laughing.”

But then I’ll also get so excited to ramble about my fixations? Idk…

Okay I really don’t know how to explain any of this, it all feels self contradictory… because sometimes I do genuinely feel things and then other times I’m just mirroring reactions because I feel nothing but I HAVE to react.

And.. admittedly I’ve tested myself with… not the best things to watch (I recently learned about some gore thing and watched it just to see how bad it was and honestly wasn’t that horrified by it, for example. I was confused on how people were having hallucinations and such from it and such bad mental responses when I got nothing, felt nothing)… I know I know, it’s a bad thing to do and I shouldn’t ever see or watch any of that, I know and I’m sorry.

If it helps any with whoever might be reading this, I’m about to be a senior in high school. Yeah… a little young to see any of that or be feeling this little I’d assume..

Oh and another thing about me I know is wrong, smth I shouldn’t be wishing on myself… I sometimes wish I had certain mental illnesses or disorders. Now, no, it’s not for attention, I don’t care about that. I want to understand what it’s like. For example, D.I.D. One of my friends has it, or well is undiagnosed but we’re all pretty sure they have it and I’ve even talked to some of the alters before. And I have so many questions about that that I’m scared to ask, and it sucks because 90% of my knowledge of it comes from Moon Knight, which is fiction…

And… I learn best from experience.

So yes, I know it’s horrible, I’ve seen people online saying not to wish that, but I do and I want to know what it’s like and how to actually interact with my friend and know who’s fronting because I’m too scared to ask even though I should but it also feels disrespectful to ask? Because my other friends somehow know and I don’t and I’m their brother-friend and I feel like I SHOULD just know but I don’t- idk imma stop that train of thought there..

Anyways, I’ve googled a lot of things and I know Google isn’t 100% or even 90% accurate, and my therapist already said she’s pretty sure I have OCD (more so on the obsessive side rather than compulsive) which makes sense, but I know there’s more and I want to know…

More below if you want to read related to mental images of sh… so needless to say, TW

THIS IS WHY I DONT GET INVESTED IN SPORTS EVEN IF ITS JUST BECAUSE OF EDDSWORLD FAN OBLIGATIONS

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH

England won 2-1 😭

Edit: I was sane I swear

But as an Eddsworld fan with vague knowledge of soccer… I’m OBLIGATED TO WATCH THE NORWAY VS ENGLAND GAME

I’m still figuring out my identity and such, and I know at the very least I don’t identify with female- not fully at the very very least, but the school year is starting soon which means I see my friends again

Why does that matter? I haven’t told them ANYTHING. Nothing at all. And I’m still not sure if I want to, but I also don’t want to get called my irl name or just what I (unfortunately) present as? But I’d also rather that than actually say something.. y’know?

And it’s not that they wouldn’t be supportive, I’m sure they would be, but it’s just terrifying to me… sooooo I know I didn’t get any advice last time I asked the people on here about trans stuff but I’m gonna try again just in case. Any idea what I should do..?

And if we never meet again in this life, maybe we’ll meet again in another life or the afterlife

I still don’t really know how some things between us were casual, but I feel like that’s just me not understanding what love is like, honestly. But that day at the movie theater… that wasn’t casual to me. Granted it was a year after being rejected, but still..

It’s been almost four school years since I got rejected and I’ll still randomly get these heavy weights of misery on my chest where I just miss our friendship, where I wonder if I’d done something wrong despite him reassuring me that I was the best person to have liked him.. where I wonder if I were different would he have reciprocated my feelings, where I just want to hug something and pretend it’s him, etc.

And I’ve genuinely cried over him before too. We used to be such close friends, but somewhere along the way (after I got kicked from the IB program and after the second semester of that next year of not having the same lunch) we started drifting apart. Messages became less frequent, when I ended up getting the same lunch again I tried to sit with the group and felt like a complete outsider again, and all the while I had to pretend it wasn’t eating me up inside. After all, I’d been reassured by one of our other friends that they wouldn’t forget about me or leave me out because it was genuinely my worst fear then… what a joke that was

But right now it all feels so heavy. I miss our routines, our dumbass jokes and him being able to read me like a book. He’d elbow me before I could even consider making a joke about something and we’d still laugh about it after. And it sucks even more because even in sleep he haunts my mind. Every now and then he’ll appear in my dreams and those are still some of the best dreams I have. All innocent, by the way, and all just us being stupid and just like how we were again.

Cannons are weapons

Canon is something that is fact in a story or can be related to poems

They are not the same nor are they interchangeable