sorry i can’t go out tonight i’m at home sitting down

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@bigkenzzz945
sorry i can’t go out tonight i’m at home sitting down

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The Odyssey but retold as a low-stakes modern adventure of one guy out with his girlfriend leaving the bar with his buddies to do just one (1) simple thing real quick, it'll take like 15 minutes tops, he'll be right back, but then some bullshit happens and the trip keeps getting more complicated as more bullshit keeps happening while he just tries to get back to the bar because he promised his girlfriend that he'd get back and he knows that she's still there because she told him she'd wait there.
And by the time he finally gets back it's almost 3 am and the bar is about to close while she's sitting there stone cold sober, surrounded by 5 drunk guys unsuccessfully trying to convince her to give up on waiting for him and go home with one of them instead. And the guy shows up to proceed to beat the shit out of them before explaining himself to her like hey sorry bullshit kept happening, my phone fell into a storm drain and my wallet got stolen when I was trying to find someone who'd borrow me a phone so I could call and
His girlfriend had been fending off the 5 drunk guys for most of the evening by explaining that even if she was going to ditch her boyfriend, she can't possibly leave without finishing her beer, which she is keeping perpetually full via careful sleight of hand where she's just pouring it back and forth into and out of the pitcher.
However the drunk guys are also drinking, and eventually she can't afford to buy another pitcher for the table so she can't keep up the ever-full beer glass trick. At this point she has to resort to setting up the pool trick shot that she's never seen anyone but her boyfriend pull off, and says she'll leave with whoever manages the shot first.
That buys her another hour or so and then, finally, her boyfriend makes it back. He looks like shit, hair down and just a mess, he's wearing an entirely different jacket that he got from an alley, and barely recognizable—especially to 5 guys who've been drunk for hours now. He lurks for a minute, finds out what's going on, and proceeds to pull off the trick shot first try. Throws the jacket off, fixes his hair with a hair tie his girlfriend lends him, finally looks like himself again, and THEN beats the shit out of them with the pool cue.
yuh i was there, that's how it happened
Mon cadeau ce soir ...
Yuja Wang apporte sa virtuosité caractéristique à la « Rhapsody in Blue » de Gershwin, interprétée ici aux côtés de Mahler Chamber Orchestra
🩶..

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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The TV said “bang”…
and bro really said “this is my moment” 💀🦜
Oscar-worthy performance from a parrot who took it way too seriously.
And, the Oscar goes to... ❤️🦜🤣🤣🦜❤️ 🏆
@modmad
I appreciate the skill and being tagged
On the road to hell there was a railroad car...

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On the road to hell there was a railroad car...
Mutuals every time we’re all online this is what we’re doing
Two World Cup finalists from opposing teams in this fucking picture, this sport isn't real
Context for anyone who is wondering: Lamine Yamal's parents won an UNICEF raffle for a charity photoshoot in which Barça players posed with kids, and 5 month old Lamine happened to get 20yo Messi. Which is like. Literally insane
very funny to me that calories is legit just a measure of energy. you can convert it to joules. (4186 joules in one kcal). really drives home the absurdity of diet culture.
She has over 4 megajoules of energy.
and this little lady is only 4 Calories
just received the best text message I’ve ever had. from my mom
2 pics. no caption

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love when ppl ask to see pics of my axolotl and are expecting something cute + pink + all smiles and instead with genuine fear in their eyes, and in their heart, say WHAT the fuck is that.
demon
run.