go outside

I’M NOT FOURTEEN!!!!!!

What are you fucking insane?? NO

I'm not going to take a position in the bear vs man debate because I don't think it matters. What is really being asked here is how afraid are you of men? Specifically, unexpected men who are, perhaps, strange.

People have a lot of very real fear of men that comes from a lot of very real places. Back when I was first transitioning in 2015 and 2016, I decided to start presenting as a woman in public even though I did not pass in the slightest.

I live in a red state. I knew other trans women who had been attacked by men, raped by men. I knew I was taking a risk by putting myself out there. I was the only visibly trans person in the area of campus I frequented, and people made sure I never forgot that. Most were harmless enough and the worst I got from them was curious stares. Others were more aggressive, even the occasional threat. I had to avoid public bathrooms, of course, and always be aware of my surroundings.

I know how frightening it is to be alone at night while a pair of men are following behind you and not knowing if they are just going in the same direction or if they want to start something - made all the worse for the constant low level threat I had been living under for over a year by just being visibly trans in a place where many are openly hostile to queer people. You have to remember, this was at the height of the first wave of bathroom law discussions, a lot of people were very angry about trans women in particular. My daily life was terrifying at times. I was never the subject of direct violence, but I knew trans women who had been.

I want you to keep all that in mind.

So man or bear is really the question "how afraid of men are you?", and the question that logically follows is "What if there was a strange man at night in a deserted parking lot?" or "What if you were alone in an elevator with a man?" or "What if you met a strange man in the woman's bathroom?"

My state recently passed an anti trans bathroom bill. The rhetoric they used was about protecting women and children from "strange men", aka trans women.

Conservatives hijack fear for their bigoted agenda.

When I first started presenting as a woman the campus apartment complex was designed for young families. The buildings were in a large square with playgrounds in the center, and there were often children playing. I quickly noticed that when I took my daughter out to play, often several children would immediately stop what they were doing and run back inside. It didn't take me long to confirm that the parents were so afraid of "the strange man who wears skirts" that their children were under strict instructions to literally run away as soon as they saw me.

"How afraid are you of a strange man being near your children?"

I mentioned above that I had to avoid public bathrooms. This was not because of men. It was because of women who were so afraid of random men that they might get violent or call someone like the police to be violent for them if I ever accidentally presented myself in a way that could be interpreted as threatening, when my mere presence could be seen as a threat. If I was in the library studying and I realized that it was just me and one other woman I would get up and leave because she might decide that stranger danger was happening.

Your fear is real. Your fear might even come from lived experiences. None of that prevents the fact that your fear can be violent. Women's fear of men is one of the driving forces of transmisogyny because it is so easy to hijack. And it isn't just trans women. Other trans people experience this, and other queer people too. Racial minorities, homeless people, neurodivergent people, disabled people.

When you uncritically engage with questions like man or bear, when you uncritically validate a culture of reactive fear, you are paving the way for conservatives and bigots to push their agenda. And that is why I waited until pride month. You cannot engage and contribute to the culture of reactive fear without contributing to queerphobia of all varieties. The sensationalist culture of reactive fear is a serious queer issue, and everyone just forgot that for a week as they argued over man or bear. I'm not saying that "man" is the right answer. I am saying that uncritically engaging with such obvious click bait trading on reactive fear is a problem. Everyone fucked up.

I want to highlight the core principles of what I actually said:

"Your fear is real. Your fear might even come from lived experiences. None of that prevents the fact that your fear can be violent." "It is not a moral failing to experience fear, but it is a moral responsibility to keep a handle on that fear and know how it might harm others."

That is the core. That is what any decent person should agree to and keep in mind. I never said you should not act on your survival instincts. I actually listed a couple ways I did myself, such as avoiding bathrooms and removing myself from situations where others might perceive me as a threat.

This isn't just a trans woman issue, as I said in the post proper. I came at it from that angle because that is my experience, but this is an issue for a number of groups, practically every marginalized group that exists. The one I had in mind and that has been mentioned several times in the notes of this post is how white women's fear has been weaponized against black men. Really all black people, but since we are talking about fear of men specifically, I'm going to look at it from that angle.

Even if you hate trans women, even if somehow that were the correct position, the two core points still stand. Your fear can be violent, and you have a moral responsibility to be cognizant of that fact. How could your unchecked "survival instincts" hurt a black man? If you are not asking yourself this question then there is a problem.

But radical feminsists are offended by the idea that a woman has a responsibility to not cause harm with their unchecked survival instincts. This is one of the major reasons the original radical feminist movements were so incredibly racist. Sharing a space with a brown woman made them afraid. Kicking out all the brown women was in accordance with their survival instincts.

Now more recent rad fems will claim racial inclusivity and I am sure they believe it, but they still object to the idea that their fear can be harmful and refuse to take responsibility for their actions. That is a racist position because it will cause harm.