Beyblade-OCReviews

Posted under “Fair Use”:: (in US copyright law) the doctrine that brief excerpts of copyright material may, under certain circumstances, be quoted verbatim for purposes such as criticism, news reporting, teaching, and research, without the need for permission from or payment to the copyright holder.

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Character belongs to EmyRose123

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Name: Emy

Last Name: Rose / Kishatu

Age: 16 (metal fusion) 17 (metal masters) 18 (metal fury)

Göße: 1.70

= She’s somewhat older than the average in the series, but okay. I’m guessing “Göße” means ‘height’ - in which case, she’d be around 5’6”; given her apparently European heritage, that’s fine. A little more info here couldn’t hurt, though. For example, is she actually European? Research tells me that ‘Rose’ is a surname of English, Irish, French, Scottish, and German origin, but it would be nice to actually know, instead of guessing based on snippets in the OC’s profile =

Bey: inferno lucy W165A

= ‘Lucy’ is not a constellation, nor a planet, although it is scientists’ nickname for a certain star in the Centaurus constellation. Still, there’s a theme to the Beyblades in Metal Fight, and Emy would fit in better if her bey followed that theme. =

Special Move: Living Inverno / Living Disaster

Reputation: Strongest Blader in the Mächengruppe (the W.B.G.A = WorldBladerGirlAssasation) = I’m guessing ‘assasation’ is ‘association’? =

Its essence: rather quiet and reserved but she stirs often Ryuga on = How does she ‘stir Ryuga on’ if she’s quiet and reserved? =

Hobbies: Singing, dancing, (from and to model), Beybladen

Favourite color: Pink, Black, Light Blue

Team Name and members: Team Destiny Rose 1. Emy Rose / 2. Shira Kishatu / 3 system. Samira Sarumsama

BFFs: Shira, Samira, Hikaru, Vanda  = I’m guessing most of these are OCs, too. =

Love / Husband: Ryuga Kishatu = This last name isn’t of Japanese origin, and Adachi himself hasn’t given Ryuga a last name; this is a case of fanon information being taken at face value as actual canon. = 

Second Character: Lucy Rose = Please tell me this isn’t like... her sister who later ends up trapped in a Beyblade as a bey-spirit. It doesn’t happen in the Bey-fandom, but situations like that scream ‘mary sue’... = 

Appearance: Emy has bright brown shoulder-length hair and light blue-gray eyes, she has a yin and yang chain to which they scored from Ryuga Kishatu the anniversary and a black belt (I call it that way) also has a white spaghetti carrier to about where they a black over it has a dark blue hotpants and a black ribbon around the right foot and their old boots  

= Points for her outfit being easy to move around in. =

Story:

Metal Fusion:

Emy Rose was born in a small village called fukuoka. Emy's mother separated from her true father. Emy remained with their mother zusammen. Dann the mother fell in love sometime in the lone father doji who had a son named Helios. Now emy emy lived got a deadly tumor of the hard made her life, her father would not give it erfund a microchip of Emy of mental and physical suffering should preserve this chip is a breakthrough technology and includes the Überfluss (abundance?) . Nach 1 year a protector with incredibly strong capabilities. lucy did everything to Emy to Beschhützen. Doji she held half a year 500 meter deep in a deep cell under lock held. After her escape the geling Emy vowed to be a blader to a normal life to bekommen.Lucy contrast Swore continue to protect Emy after they had made a name were they and Ryuga aware of each other ....

= First, this is why some additional information in the ‘personal’ section would be helpful - if she’s born somewhere that isn’t Europe, it makes people wonder why she doesn’t have a name that’s typical for that place. In this case, it’s Fukuoka, which is actually a city, not a village, in Japan. So this raises several questions, including who is Emy’s father, why is a European couple in Japan, and did the family start the process of becoming naturalised Japanese citizens?

Second, neither the anime nor manga shows any of Doji’s family, he doesn’t even seem the type to have a family. Helios isn’t related to him, but to Bakim (grandfather).

Third, where did Lucy come in, and is she actually a person trapped in a Beyblade or something? Also, how does Ryuga actually fit into all this, and why is Lucy determined to make Ryuga aware of her and Emy? =

Metal Masters:

... Emy tries to be as unobtrusive as possible to behave unfortunately she stands by their particular art from the crowd she has anything to be what the people first skäptisch macht.Emy makes itself on the way to collect in the wild power and köperlich and mentally something powerful to refuel and to be more confident with the young ryuga kishatu she has since not been counted. WHILE the world championships are making on them trying to inconspicuously as possible those fighting to be seen and some of it to lernen.Als she runs a few techniques you learn ryuga on the away both entertained somewhat although ryuga has no interest in her he stays and talks to her and brings her a few basic rules bei.Gegenseitig is told what the other has already experienced it and emy are after 2 weeks very gut.Emy decides ryuga an endurance tripp to begleiten.Beide come closer ...

Metal Fury:

... Emy and ryuga grew closer and are now already ne stays together but both have publicly it is not gemacht.Als Ryuga emy says that he wants to look for the star fragments and the more radical blader is emy little sad because he did not want to take it may think it's asking too gefährlich.Er emy to stay at home and it comes with the other bladers to her they would namely all vollständig.Doch it should come quite unlike emy itself denkt.Als they arrived home they expressed ryuga again firmly then he asked them to wait, he came back and they bittete him as one to nehmen.Natürlich wept emy before friends and said zu.Ryuga promised after his return emy to marry because already pregnant emy emy of war.Als Gingka the message got the ryuga was "dead," ... she brought to end metal fury itself to after the birth of her son Sakyo.

(Yes I was too lazy to mention lucy XD, in the story) 

= Final notes: Further searching in the creator’s gallery pointed out that Emy’s story takes place in an alternate universe. But overall, this character still needs work, even for an alternate universe world as noted by the creator. Several points:

What is the premise of the alternate universe, and how does it differ from the canon one?

Why the need for an alternate universe, in the first place? Just throwing an OC into a setting that resembles the source material just to allow the OC (or their creator) to do whatever they want and disregard canon is… not the best way to go about things. At all.

Her personality doesn’t particularly stand out to me, and some of her actions don’t make sense. Why would she aim to be a strong blader yet try to be as unobtrusive as possible? You can’t become one of the strongest bladers without calling attention to yourself - that’s self-contradictory. At the same time, she wants Ryuga to notice her - that’s what I gathered. So she wants to avoid attention, except for Ryuga’s. AU or not, this is… well, it doesn’t form a very strong foundation for an OC. All in all, these goals strike me as at odds with one another, especially since Ryuuga won’t notice a person unless they interest him in some way (being a strong blader is one way to catch his attention, but given how Emy tries to stay under the radar, I think he wouldn’t even bat an eye).

Speaking of Ryuga, the relationship between him and Emy just seems to happen. When you look back at the Metal Masters storyline, Ryuga apparently tells Emy he isn’t interested - so why does he allow her to travel with him in the end? I’ve been over the backstory thrice, but there really isn’t a lot of background that’s clear on how and why he starts to actually notice her, and what she does that leads to them growing closer. Ryuga is, after all, a difficult character to get along with. Even considering the saying that opposites attract, the relationship doesn’t seem to have a strong foundation.

There is a lack of research into some parts of the story, not to mention a lack of background on several details. Again I bring up the subject of Lucy, and how this character is related to Emy’s Beyblade Inferno Lucy. Someone has pointed out that this ‘second character’ is a split personality which, as I stated in my OC creation guide, is something best avoided unless it’s for good reason. 

If, however, Lucy is a person who ends up powering the Beyblade… that’s not done in Metal Fight - again, even in an alternate universe, assuming details like what Beyblades the other characters use remains the same. True, the manga shows that Damian’s Kerbecs Beyblade absorbs a blader’s ‘spirit’ (their life energy), but that’s a different mechanic altogether, and one MFB characters see as a threat. A person becoming a bey-spirit just doesn’t fit the theme altogether. 

Another detail is Emy’s reputation as the strongest blader in the World Blader Girls Association, and when was that particular association formed? How is it connected to the WBBA, if at all?

Further searching in the creator’s gallery showed that Emy’s son Sakyo is an alternate-universe OC and so is a separate character from the one in Zero-G.  Another possibility is that both Helios and Sakyo in this OC profile aren’t the same characters from the series, but OCs given the same names to try and add credence to the OC - something I would highly discourage because it confuses readers.

Posted under “Fair Use”:: (in US copyright law) the doctrine that brief excerpts of copyright material may, under certain circumstances, be quoted verbatim for purposes such as criticism, news reporting, teaching, and research, without the need for permission from or payment to the copyright holder.

++++++++++++++++++++++++ Character artwork is by Xireixi 

++++++++++++++++++++++++ This is a review by Admin Kris

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“If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you were the most unbearable person I’ve met yet.” ~Erzsébet Kanizsay :: Admin!Yui: The quote itself makes her sound like a mature character :: •Full Name: ~Erzsébet Kanizsay {ER-Zhay-Bet; Kan-Ee-Say} {エリザベート•} •Alias: ~Lisbeth {エリザベート} ((By Doji)) ~Elsa/Elsy ((By Kenta Yumiya/Yu Tendo)) ~Erzsi/Ezzy ((By Several Individuals)) = Japanese usually spell a name how it’s pronounced, so her name on any documents would actually be written “エルゼベトカニゼイ” in katakana [pronounced ‘eruzebeto kanizei’] including her last name. Lisbeth and Erzsébet are both different forms of Elizabeth/Elisabeth, so the first is an acceptable derivative for Doji to use, though he’d pronounce it “リズベス” [pronounced ‘rizubesu’].Tiny details, but there you are. =

•Age: {Born: Tokyo, Japan / Birthday April 21st / Aries-Taurus Cusp} :: Admin!Yui: I like this aspect of her being a cusp because relatively, she has both the fiery traits of an Aries while having the grounded down-to-earth features of a Taurus :: ~16 Years Old ((S:I)) ~17 Years Old ((S:II)) ~18 Years Old ((S:III)) ~25 Years Old ((S:IV)) •Ethnicity: ~Hungarian / Chinese /English :: Admin!Yui: It's nice to see an OC that isn't part Japanese :: •Nationality: ~Japanese = I was thrown for a bit here, since Japanese citizenship/nationality is determined through right of blood - you need one parent to be a Japanese citizen. However, if Erzsébet chose to become a naturalized citizen, then this is all good. =

•Gender: ~Female •Species: ~Human •Hair: ~Her hair is cut in a bob that’s longer in the front and short in the back with full bangs. She wears a red headband and braids a small portion of her hair. •Eyes: ~She has light blue-grey eyes and nearsighted vision. Her left eye has a faded scar from below her eyebrow to below her eye.

= I remember the old bio where there was nothing to denote her weaker left eye; the faded scar is a nice touch because now people can tell at a glance that her eye suffered an injury in the past. = •Skin: ~Erzsébet is fair skinned with a single beauty mark near her eye. •Height: ~5'0" {152.40cm} •Weight: ~130 lbs :: Admin!Yui: The height and weight are proportionate so this is good :: •Blood Type: ~AB+ ::Admin!Yui: Like in the Ringo review, this is an interesting addition as most Japanese tend to think that blood type dictates personality. You can find information on the A type here: www.japantoday.com/smartphone/… :: •Relatives: ~Dr. Ziggurat ((Biological Father)) ~Anasztaizia Kanizsay ((Mother)) ~Daidouji ((Surrogate)) = She seems a reasonable height for someone her age and with Asian genes, and she looks her weight - which is good. It’s rare that an OC is related to one of the villains, so that’s a plus. = ::Admin!Yui: Like, Admin!Kris, I love the idea of her being related to one of the secondary antagonists of the series, it's new and generally not seen. ::

•Love Interest: ~Ryuuga •Personality: ~For the most part, Erzsébet is a character whose approach to her uncanny circumstances of casual disregard. She is highly focused on getting tasks done, especially during using her dark Beyblade, Mormolykeia Lethe. She appears to make due of her unfortunate situation as a way to vent her hidden sadistic nature. She rather enjoys battling others in a playful yet brutal manner and she maintains her cool even when up against powerful opponents such as Gingka Hagane or Ryuga, never appearing distressed or caring too much. She tends to operates alone and prefer to do things by herself to not be burdened by other people, at least initially. She can also be construed as quite impatient, especially towards the more “talkative type” of individual. At the beginning, Erzsébet comes off as callous and nonchalant towards anyone and everyone, though later on becomes much more caring and concerned for their well-being as she matures. This is seen mostly after she claims not to care much for children, but becomes attached to Kenta. She cares deeply about her dignity and somewhat for the DN members, albeit hidden, despising Doji and her own father for influencing Dark Nebula’s mistreatment of their lives. Erzsébet is highly intelligent and often tends to see others of lower intellect than her, which also shows how tolerable she is for ignorance, often using her influence and intellect to control and manipulate. She tends to enjoy using her femininity as a means to an end in more instances than not to entertain herself with the reactions of others. She is very determined and equally stubborn, shown when she was given the task to fix her mother’s Beyblade over the course of a few weeks and when she refused to stand down when Ryuga wanted to deny her request to travel with him. Erzsébet has a curious demeanour when confronted with anything that peaks her interest and a particular impish way of acting towards others that challenge her. She can be quite rude in an underhanded fashion, usually to the other party’s discretion, often taunting them or making fun out of other and situations. She is someone who is not good with words, as said by many, and can be quite direct. As such, she can come off as mischievous to others as she seems to enjoy testing someone’s temperament. Also, from time to time, Erzsébet can be quite overconfident thinking she can do things others cannot. Her mannerisms are elegant and refined which differs from how many Dark Nebula members are trained. She prefers a “graceful” start when Beyblading which allows her to calculate her next set of attacks confident in Lethe’s vast stamina to hold out until she is ready. Erzsébet is manipulative and calculating, using the trust she gained from Doji to gain access to the database of Dark Nebula which she bargains with Ryuga to give him a reason to listen to her. Erzsébet enjoys the concept of games that test knowledge and found a love for chess and card games often played with other members of Dark Nebula and occasionally Doji ((whom hates the game)). She is fond of playing the piano despite never receiving formal training. At some point, she displays the act of betrayal when she contemplates attacking Ryuga while he slept when he angers her, but resists letting her old actions govern her and she learns to accept when she is in the wrong. Erzsebet, over the course of her journey, develops empathy and begins to genuinely care more about others as to her own wellbeing.

= This is better compared to the personality section in her old bio; there are a few errors in word choice and grammar, but the overall message is clearly there. I think, though, that some details like her love of chess and the piano would be better off separated from this section. = ::Admin!Yui: She has a highly mature personality, which is what I would expect looking at a character like her. I love the additions that she cares but keeps it to herself and still a strong and aggressive person. The idea of messing with others via her intellect and her femininity is a nice touch and all these traits makes her a well rounded character. •Appearance: ~Erzsèbet wears a short black jacket with red undertones and a white dress shirt underneath. She wears tight dark black jeans and a red belt that holds her Beylancher and Beyblade along with two secondary belts that hold a pouch attached to her thigh. She has knee high black and burgundy medium heeled boots. Black and red elbow length gloves are worn. •Likes: ~Beyblading ~Playing Chess ~Challenging Others to Games ~Engineering/Beyblade Technology ~Psychology ~Studying History ~Examining Personalities •Dislikes: ~Being bothered/harassed/questioned ~Losing ~Loud Crowded Places/Being with People ~Being Confined ~Daidouji ~Rodents / Bugs / Pollen •Faults: ~Erzsébet is arrogant and can be highly uncooperative when working with certain people. She is blunt with her words and reacts harshly, instinctually,(instinctively) and can be selfish and self-concerning at first. She’s got a short fuse and will sometimes lash out when she’s displeased. Concerning her extensive history of Beyblading at a young age, she is well controlled with such power, but risks harming herself and others if she loses her focus. She used to be conditioned to listen to Doji until she became more rebellious toward him, making her less inclined towards those who choose to order her around. Erzsébet is generally a very strong willed person with equally good morals, but she does not like to be brought down and tends to weigh whether or not she should trust or take the feelings of certain people into consideration. She is not easily fooled and if someone incidentally manage to abuse what little kindness she offers, she does not respond kindly towards it. She can person who is difficult to deal with when crossed. •Weakness: ~Claustrophobia: Erzsébet has a crippling fear of confined spaces. Daidouji would often lock her in small room when she failed a task which drove her to tears and incapacitated her until she was released. As she became older, she tried to avoid being placed in those kinds of situations. ~Asthma: Erzsébet has had asthma since she was a child. Training constantly and improving her lungs has lessened the effects of the illness but is sensitive to different environments which causes her to cough occasionally and is forced to wait for it to stop on its own. ~Injured Eyesight: ~The laceration to her eye from when she was younger gradually weakened her vision over time in which Erzsébet had to learn to Beyblade effectively despite her weaker vision in her one eye. = No wonder she doesn’t like pollen - it could trigger her asthma. Her likes and dislikes are consistent with her personality, and I like the inclusion of such details like weak vision and phobias; it makes the character seem more human. = ::Admin!Yui: Her weaknesses, like Admin!Kris stated, make her more human and branches her out even more.::

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• •Beyblade Name: ~Mormolykeia Lethe 105XHF/S ((Current)) ::Admin!Yui: The name of her Beyblade is very interesting and unique:: •Special Attack: ~Umbrian Reaper {Stamina/Strength} ((Erzsébet’s hardest yet most powerful finish with Lethe at full power, she is able to summon a three headed serpent each with their own strengths, within her Bey. They are only tamed by her from years of training and their unbreakable contract with the user. Her Beyblade gives extremely quick, powerful blows to her competitor, before landing a critical strike to the portion of the opponents Beyblade of Erzsébet’s choice after substantial analyse of a detected weak point.)) ~Spirit Hunter {Defensive/Stamina}: ((A secondary move that is defensive. Lethe absorbs the negative or positive energy of its opponent and uses it to cancel out the other Beyblade, however cancelling Lethe as well. The stronger the energy, the more effective the cancellation, but could only be used so many times with different energy levels before weakening the Beyblade and causing critical damage. It is often used as a method to prevent harm from coming to Erzsébet and ending battles. It is first used against L-Drago when Ryuga chose to attack her.)) •Attribute: ~Dark/Fire •Constellation/Myth: ~Myth: The Deity Hecate is a being with power over several spheres of influence but has become most famous for her aspect of Cthonia (“of the earth/underworld”), the goddess of magic, witchcraft, the night, moon, ghosts and necromancy. She was the only child of the Titanes Perses and Asteria from whom she received her power over heaven, earth, and sea. ~Constellation: Scorpius is one of the constellations of the zodiac. Its name is Latin for scorpion, and its symbol is Scorpio.svg (Unicode ♏). It lies between Libra to the west and Sagittarius to the east. It is a large constellation located in the southern hemisphere near the center of the Milky Way. •Bit Beast: ~Phantasmaaraneae •Beyblade Type: ((A black and red Tungsten Carbide Beyblade with duel shifting weight, capable of being light as airy for quick movement, and heavy is dense for powerful attacks and force. It is a shift-type Beyblade and is capable of swapping attack modes. Its heavy blades and hard metallic exterior make it an extremely difficult Beyblade to combat, however, without proper training, attentiveness and control, it could easily be more of hinderance than an advantage. ((BeySpirit)) Takes on the form of a colossal phantom-like spider woman with a particular affinity to fire. She is shrouded in a long tattered hooded robe covering her face, only the glow of her eyes shown. She has the body of a large spider with long legs and decorated in jewels. = Keeping in mind that balance-type Beyblades are usually a mix of either attack and stamina, or stamina and defense, the possibility of this bey being a combination of all three is a little hard to believe. The newer line of Beyblades (from BeyBurst) may be leaning a bit towards that, however we are using the Metal Fight series as our basis. That said, including the footnote about Lethe being a difficult bey to control without proper training makes this less of an overpowered bey. Again, some minor issues with word choice. = ::Admin!Yui: As noted, Balance type Beyblades have only two of the three types implemented into them, so this could be a mistake if not known. The Beyblade being extremely hard to use makes it well rounded from it's powerfulness, as the entirety of it's power cannot be used until it is earned through years of hard work. ::

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• •Abilities: ~Erzsébet is extremely intelligent and manipulative and uses it to its advantages. Her kind acting nature draws people to her and whatever information she requires she obtains. She is observant and doesn’t make hasty decisions, aware of whatever consequence that may happen to her if she does. Mentally, she is skilled in strategic planning and astute deductive reasoning, business knowledge, musical/linguistics, and etiquette. She has immense skill in Beyblading, a feat notable by the usage of her Beyblade and training from beginning at a very young age. Her close relationship with Lethe allows her to control it without exerting herself excessively.

= I’m guessing all these skills and knowledge come from Doji pushing her to learn all these things while she was growing up. = ~Enhanced Agility, Strength, Speed, and Endurance: Years of training built up her body and stamina, both critical for controlling Lethe to its full extent of its power. It allows her to utilise her stamina for excruciating tasks. ~Multilingual: Her first language was Japanese and her second language is English. She has displayed the ability to understand and speak a minimal (the bare minimum?) of Hungarian and French. ::Admin!Yui: These are all good additions but needs a bit of re-visioning because of wording errors.:: ••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• •Relationships: ~Gingka Hagane and His Cohorts: ~Erzsébet doesn’t care much for them as she never really had a chance to build a solid relationship with any of them while being confined within Dark Nebula ((Metal Fusion)) and travelling often ((Metal Masters)). In Metal Fury, she did manage to converse with some of them and did in fact humoured their company, however, she remained indifferent to them with the exception of Kenta. •Doji: ~Erzsébet and Doji have an extremely hateful relationship due to his apparent selfishness, single minded goals, and constant abuse. He played the role of a father until she learnt the truth that he was merely a surrogate and her real father was in America. She hated being forcibly confined and made to be seen and not heard as well as subjective to him. Her hatred for him spurred even more because of his blunt mistreatment of his subordinates including the selfish usage of Ryuga. She took great advantage of being somewhat trusted by him enough to operate the vast demographics of Dark Nebula’s technology and affairs and goes about her business as she pleases. She did not care when he {supposedly} died and commented that it was the only thing he’d ever done right. •Dr. Ziggurat ~An estranged father and enemy at first, Erzsébet did not pick him over Ryuga during Metal Masters when asked to join him. Insulted that he would even insist to have her take part in his arrangements, she saw him as nothing more than another Doji. Erzsébey often demands the location of her mother which earned no response. Their last interaction is when she saves him from the destruction of Hade’s City, her last words calling him a  "mere fool" and herself a “bastard child”. They later reconciled seven years later while he served time in prison to inform him of being released earlier than expected. They became close and she learnt that he was very fond of Anasztaizia, his late wife and Erzsébet mother, and spoke about her often in attempts to bridge the gap between them. She would send photos of her graduations and letters to him during his time served and developed a close bond and looking past the crimes he previously committed, willing to make up for the time they lost. Years past Zero-G, he is the grandfather (and often the babysitter) to fraternal twins Ildikó and Ryuuji. ::Admin!Yui: In my absence, I have noticed that some parts of the bio have been revised such as the children being named Chinatsu and Yasushi, but I like the fact that Erzsebet made the effort to make up with her father instead of pushing him away as well as involving him in her life and her family. :: •Dark Nebula Members: ~Erzsébet saw herself as a leader figure and enjoyed training amongst them, mainly Reiji and Tetsuya, referring to their personalities as interesting and quirky. She was fond of them and noted all their little traits and personalities down mentally and they often made her smile at times when they couldn’t get along. Although she was limited in conversing with them daily, she built a somewhat mutual relationship with them with little hostility. ::Admin!Yui: It's cool that she interacts with them instead of pushing them away but still maintaining her higher rank :: •Kenta: ~Erzsébet is very close to Kenta. She made it her duty to help him grow stronger seeing that he wanted to make his own mark amongst his friends. He hated when she called him “cute” but it was always her way of showing affection. Erzsébet shared her stories and thoughts with Kenta and often remarked that he was mature for his young age. After Ryuga’s leave, she began to treat Kenta as her own brother and taught him bits of French. She shared her knowledge of business logics and encouraged him to work with the WBBA when he turned sixteen. •Ryuga: ~Erzsébet’s and Ryuga’s relationship is distant at best. From the beginning, she was glad that Doji’s frustrations, aspirations, and desire for power was placed onto someone else. She deemed him just as unfortunate as herself, if not more so. They did not get along in the least at first, as he assumed she was merely just another mindless pawn to Doji and a stone to be stepped on. She was only formally acquainted with him prior to being places in the capsule and was in charge of his vitals during that time. Her position allowed her to know about particular advancements within the organisation before they occurred which did strike a bit of sympathy when she discovered what was to become of him and what he has done. Erzsébet, although she didn’t outrightly admit it, cares a lot about Ryuga despite their strained relationship. Knowing him from the first time he was brought to the organisation, she studied his actions closely as his actions interested her more than any other. ::Admin!Yui: With her likes being "Examining personalities and psychology, I assume she found him to be something she could not catagorise. :: She felt empathy for his mistreatment from Doji although she was unable to do much for him. Erzsébet would visit at times to bring food and tell him stories that she knew he could care less about, constructing a faint bond that would be prominent in the future. ::Admin!Yui: It is often noted in the series Ryuga may not look like he cares or listens, but he isn't deaf or incompetent so I can see him listening but not showing interest in what she says until necessary :: Initially, as they became older, Ryuga ::Admin!Yui: So they knew each other prior to the series, interesting :: was not tolerable of her position as Doji’s surrogate and later the second head of Dark Nebula and Hades Inc. when he learnt of her being Ziggurat’s biological daughter. He saw her as another hurdle to power with their equally strong Beyblades and her Beyblade’s nullifying move, Spirit Hunter. He was cold to her and treated her with disrespect like everyone else regardless of her high position and threatened her life multiple times only to be met with disregard from Erzsébet whom tried his words with impudence.  

Prior to him being placed into a capsule, she assisted with watching over his vitals and would often sing to herself as she worked while he listened without complain which somewhat softened his perception of her then. Months after the battle that happened between Ryuga and Gingka, she chose to travel with Ryuga after proving that she was not a liability; forming a deal to offer the information about the people he sought after and about his Beyblade. Proving to be useful for the time, he allowed her to accompany him. She had no other choice being that her experience outside Dark Nebula was limited. She would go back to her habits of singing and telling him stories during the night before resting. Often, she would sing her songs in foreign languages, in a rare occasions prompting him to ask her about what she was saying. She was acknowledged as a companion to him although it was never outrightly said. Erzsébet would become upset over how hard Ryuga would push himself but left him to do what he wanted being it was none of her business with how he treated himself. She would ignore his outbursts and instinctively knew when he wanted to be left alone and kept up with him throughout his travelling. Inwardly, Erzsébet knew that over time Ryuga had become more accepting of her and was considerably more opened with his behaviour, less on guard and not rigid to her if she approached him while he was busied with other matters or sleeping. Both of them had a hard time trusting people, but they equally have come to have some confidence in each other’s presence. Erzsébet does not initially want to acknowledge the fact she had come to like Ryuga more than just acquaintance as they spent more time together, knowing well he would be incapable of returning feelings like that, and kept it to herself. However, she has hinted it a few times within her storytelling unintentionally, and had inadvertently told Kenta when he played a word game with her. She never directly made it clear that she liked him directly but proceeded to wish him luck before he fights Rago. It is revealed that Ryuga was aware of her feelings, and trusted her enough to let her know where he would eventually go. Before he leaves, he tells her to live a better life than he did before leaving her. He only returns years after the events of Metal Fury. ((AllegianceShipping)) Ryuga and Erzsébet aren’t romantic or loving, they’ve never had a reason to intrude on each other’s physical boundaries. They have their own objectives and goals that they respect equally. However, they are protective and care about each other in their own particular way. They’re conservative amongst others, portraying themselves as no more than mere acquaintances. Ryuga does not care for Erzsébet associating with those he strongly disagrees with or those that try to be close to either of them if she wanted to continue associating with him. Though Erzsébet does not like when her independence is threatened, she admires his behaviour towards her as it amuses her greatly. Initially, they were only around one another because of the deal Erzsébet struck during the end of Metal Fusion, but after they have made good on their ends, they remained close. Erzsébet subtly shows her defensive side and doesn’t approve of those that appear to be a threat to either of them. Both are territorial and aren’t fond of accepting others into their world.

= It’s refreshing to see names other than the usual characters on an OC profile. = ::Admin!Yui: I generally do not like Ryuga pairings as I am very picky when it comes to Ryuga's personality (which is incredibly hard mind you) but I always found it to be most realistic for any romantic boundaries to be broken in Metal Fury instead of the previous two seasons which is why I love this couple as much as I do. Ryuga and Erzsebet have a realistic relationship that isn't forced or made too soon in series but just right that leaves them getting to know each other from the time they met to the time Ryuga is initially written off the series to be supposedly "dead". Their personalities are great together and entirely Ryuga is in character. Nothing seems to be out of place and there are little to no plotholes in the their compatibility so wonderful job. •••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• •Background: ~((Childhood: Birth-13 Years)) Erzsébet Kanizsay was born to Anasztaizia Kanizsay and Dr. Ziggurat in Tokyo, Japan’s Dark Nebula. She never knew her father, as he had returned to America and her mother left her in the poor care of Doji as she’d disappeared, leaving only her Beyblade and a letter to be given to her daughter behind. Erzsébet grew up being raised under Doji’s rules and regulations, never having much time for personal enjoyment. She was given the necessary requirements as a baby and, scientifically knowledgeable of the effects on withholding affection on her, provide that to the best of his ability as well. From the age of six, she was meant to educate herself on several subjects, train constantly first with generic Beyblades, and stay on her best behaviour most importantly. Her mistreatment made her rigid and stressed constantly, accentuated when Doji plays on her fear of confinement and locks her in small rooms when his expectations are not made. She developed anxiety that would often make her sick and frightened when she was worried about the condition on the task she was made to do. Doji was hardset on having Erzsébet “earn her keep” and set up physically tasking assignments to test her strength and endurance. Each time she wanted to prove herself as the assignments became more difficult. At the age of eight, she was introduced to the prototype arrangement system, and joined Doji to watch Dark Nebula Bladers utilise the technology to become stronger. Erzsébet acknowledged it as cheating but said nothing. She was often by Doji’s side and spent her days practicing Beyblading more than any other subject.   At the age of eleven, circumstances took a sharp turn. Proving she had the determination, strength, and power, Doji presents her mother’s Beyblade, Mormolykeia Lethe. The catch was that she had to put the Beyblade together relying on what she has learnt about Beys and be able to control it before her twelve birthday only a few months away. Resisting the urge to allow her anxiety to unnerve her, she worked tirelessly as she’d always done and fitted each piece together in the span of a couple weeks. The real challenge was to control it, a dark Beyblade with the power of a strong, unyielding spirit within it that did not just offer it’s power to anyone. Mormolykeia Lethe did not allow Erzsébet at first, each time rejecting her as she tried launching it, when it wasn’t that, it would not heed her commands. It seemed useless to attempt using it but angered her and being stubborn, Erzsébet continued until she began to overcome her failures and finally earning the right to control Lethe. Doji, watching the transpiring of events, formulated a specific task for the eleven year old, to battle against one of the skilled older Bladers and survive it as they were not going to hold back. Unwilling to participate, she asked for another task but was denied. The day came for her to battle her competitor, a male much older and taller than herself. The battle commenced, the older male having the greater advantage against her and pushing her back with every attack. However, an sudden hit from Doji threw off her concentration, causing a misplaced hit to the other Beyblade and causing it to fly off the stadium. The impact shattered glass, a shard cutting into the lower portion of her eyelid and wounding the sclera. Stricken with fear, she began to scream and cry until Doji grabs her by the arm to force her to continue the battle, unmoved by her injury. Her opponent hesitates to continue battling Erzsébet until ordered and the battle continued reluctantly. Incapable of seeing from the pain, she relied on sound and her Bey to do the work she cannot do, ordering her Beyblade to use it’s dark move, Erinyes Umbrean Reaper. The battle comes to a halt as her opponents Beyblade stopped spinning, leaving Lethe as the winner. Unconvinced by the win, Erzsébet contributed her victory to the opponent’s weakness. Doji being unaware of that weakness, contently takes Erzsébet to the infirmary to take care of her injury. From that day forth, the vision in her eye was not the way it used to be. She had to train to properly assess her ability to improve her perspective, wearing a bandage over her eye for the time being. Erzsébet was present to witness the new favourite of Doji, present by his side as she was introduced to the new Blader to one day hold the Legendary Beyblade, Ryuga.   ~((Metal Fusion: 14-15 Years Old)) Erzsébet became the right hand to Doji’s plans. Intelligent and cunning, she kept watch like a raven over the affairs of the company and what projects were to be initiated. She’d been putting in extensive research into Koma Village and the Beyblades: L-Drago and Pegasus, and when not busy fixing Doji’s mistakes, she spent a lot of her time coding Merci. Recently, her tasks had been to monitor Ryuga, their recent addition whom was to retrieve L-Drago. She had remained at Dark Nebula’s base whilst Doji and Ryuga travelled to Koma Village to steal the Forbidden Bey. Upon their return, she was them ordered to prepare a capsule for Ryuga to sleep until he regained enough energy to utilise L-Drago. She grew fond of his particular behaviour, and took notes on his actions while she monitored his vitals up until he was sealed away. Even then, she was curious about his origins and why he chose to subject himself to Doji’s whims. ————————————— His awakening came as a surprise to Erzsébet whom witnessed the battle between him and Gingka Hagane, another Beyblader who’s mannerisms caught her interest. The battle ended with Ryuga as the winner against Gingka, as she’s realised that Gingka held the opposite light filled Beyblade to Ryuga’s dark filled one. After his win against Gingka, Ryuga and Doji set out to charge Lightning L-Drago in battles amongst others and within Dark Nebula itself. They meet a powerful, young blader named Yuu Tendo put under the care of Erzsébet much to her chagrin. Yuu wins the survival battle and creates a tournament called Battle Bladers funded and prepared by Dark Nebula. Erzsébet stayed out of the Battle Bladers tournament to observe the outcome of each battle that transpired. The Hundred Way battle was easily won by Ryuga only for him to then battle Tobio and Ryutaro right before their own battle. He challenges both of them at the same time and wins. Erzsébet curiously invites them to join Dark Nebula and they accept. Bored with the tournament as is, she turned her attention back to her studies  which Doji saw as an opportunity to try her position and life once more. Frustrated with Doji’s wants, she angrily approaches him in the same stadium from which she was injured in and was set to fight whichever battle he had set for her. She was first set to fight Reiji, a battle she knew her way around effortlessly, and lastly, Ryuga. A fight to determine if she could continue within her position or her energy was to become fuel for L-Drago depended on that battle. With Lethe in hand, she battled Ryuga without mercy as he did to her. It was lengthy, and neither seemed to yield to each other’s attacks. As Ryuga taunted and harassed Erzsébet with his words, she only apathetically responded with her own set of insults. A sudden burst of power set Erzsébet off balance, leaving an opening for his Dark Move until she attacked with her own never used before defence, Spirit Hunter. A surge of energy spread through the enclosed stadium, revealing both Beyblade’s had came to a standstill in a tie, surprising those around them.   ————————————— Ryuga’s attitude toward Erzsébet soured even more afterwards, ignoring the teen’s demands and showing outright disrespect toward her. However, she showed little care or emotion to his treatment and brushed him off constantly to used to crass behaviour for his to penetrate her demeanour. They encounter one another formally during a routine vitals checking in which he demanded to know how she stopped his Beyblade with her own “pitiful” Beyblade. She responds honestly in which whatever energy is exerted onto Lethe will be converted into its own to cancels out them both out. He is silent after her explanation and does not speak to her again afterwards. She is seen again laughing in Doji’s face after his battle with Pheonix and taunts him with jeers of “He’s coming” before running off in which his energy is then stolen by Ryuga as she’d known. She is then witnessing the final battle from afar between Gingka and Ryuga, calling him a fool for being unaware of his own corruption. Erzsébet is then seeking out answers upon finding a set of letters next to an ornate jewellery box from a woman signed as Anasztaizia K. revealing the secret’s behind whom previously owned Mormolykeia Lethe and whom her real father was. Her goal now was to seek her father out and become stronger with her Beyblade. ((Metal Masters: 15-16 Years Old)) ~Erzsébet catches up to Ryuga prior to his departure to strengthen himself in order to control L-Drago’s Dark Power. She stops him by cutting him off only for him to threaten her if she refused to  get out of his way. Standing firm to her plan, she stated she wanted to strike a deal with him. Uninterested in what she had to say, Ryuga once more threatens for her to move aside. She begins to reiterate pieces of information regarding Ryuga’s past and why he was chosen, making sure to halfway talk about whom was to blame. His attention was slightly peaked but he did not respond. The expression on his face told her that he still had little interest until she stated her final trade, to offer Lethe’s power in exchange for  his help. After consideration, he accepted her offer, stating that if she slowed him down even for a second, she was on her own. Months pass, and she adapts to Ryuga’s regiment fast, accompanying him. Not interested in his endeavours, she remains in the shadows during Ryuga’s various encounters with other Bladers. Only a few times would she interfere to halt a battle that would merely waste time instead of putting forth progress. During the times when Ryuga is at rest, she would discuss her knowledge on L-Drago’s dark origins, explaining that its negative energy was formed by its past owners, people filled with greed and hungry for power which was absorbed by L-Drago. Ryuga reasoned out that because the dark power was created by humans such as himself, he should be able to overcome it and eventually reaches that goal. Erzsébet hesitates to continue after a while when her eyesight begins bothering her, causing pain in her left eye. Regardless, she bandages her eye to protect it during the daytime and reducing the discomfort. That evening her next story entailed Doji’s mistreatment, forcing her to battle a Blader much more experienced than her younger self and how she came to have her injury. Before he could retort with her being a liability, she explains that despite her sight, she has trained enough to fight without it. As usual, she met with no response, but for once, she was allowed to sit beside Ryuga as he slept without him being bothered by her presence. ————————————— Erzsébet followed Ryuga to the United States as he was focused on further studying Tsubasa and Gingka but during their travel they were threatened by several hooded Beybladers. Claiming their was no need to exert himself, she easily defeated the Bladers who claimed to be from HD Academy. Familiar with the name, she confronts the revealed Jack of the US Representative Team StarBreaker to take them there. Solely concerned with Ryuga to lure to HD Academy for “testing” in order to view L-Drago’s left spin capabilities, he complies. While Ryuga battles Zeo Abyss, she comes face to face with Dr. Ziggurat. Unaware of whom Erzsébet was, she uses the opportunity to challenge him to a short game of chess which she easily wins. She reaches into her pocket and slides a small photo to the man, and revels in his shocked expression when he recognised who she was. Zeo’s loss interrupted the two drawing his attention to talk with Ryuga as Erzsébet leaves, pausing only to overhear that Dr. Ziggurat worked with Dark Nebula and originally used Ryuga as a test subject in which she snickers snd muttering the words, “Bad move.” As Ryuga furiously blows a hole in the building with his L-Drago. She separates from Ryuga for a short while, observing the tournament from afar, and keeping a watch on Gingka. She laments that she wishes that she had that kind of hope and energy, departing from the scene when the battle involving Damian Hart ended. Remarking on the Arrangement project Ziggurat spoke of, she leaves to find him. They meet again in HD Academy when she brought down his defences. Surrounded by the academy’s students and broken Beyblades, she presents Mormolykeia Lethe sarcastically asking how could he have forgotten his precious daughter all these years. She challenges him to a battle, taunting him with statements about his weakness and his incompetence, defeating him with little effort. She takes the shades off his face and scowls knowing the same grey eyes he had were her own. Ziggurat starts to explain why he believes Anasztaizia left him due to his compulsive interest in using Beyblade’s as an energy source, claiming he is justified in his work and she failed to understand it. He claimed she lied about aborting Erzsébet only to find out that she had her in Japan and gave her up to Doji ((whom they both knew at the time)). His final statement angered her when he responded that if for him telling Doji to care for her she might as well had been dead. She grips him by the throat and laughs calling him a mere fool and herself the bastard {fatherless}child. She remains with Ryuga in America long enough to hear Ziggurat’s announcement on the Spiral Force peaking their interest. Both infiltrate  Hades City taking flight above the ocean. Once inside they meet with Gingka at the overheating core, him and Ryuga using their Beyblades to stop the meltdown while Erzsébet calmly watched evacuate the building. She confronts Dr. Ziggurat once more, rescuing him from the destruction. When confronted by Ryuga for her purpose of doing so, she replies that he is the only family she has. Complying with their deal, she holds up her end of the bargain to guve up Lethe’s power to Ryuga. He rejects her offer, stating he does not need what she has to prove his strength and ability, silently motioning her to come along as he begins to leave. ((Metal Fury)) ~((Unfinished)) ((Zero-G/Shogun Steel)) ~((Unfinished)) ••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• •Voice Actress: ~{English} Felecia Angelle ~{Japanese} Saeko Chiba

= After going over this bio to double-check if I’d missed anything anywhere, I have to say I agree with Admin!Yui about good OCs being harder to review. Erzsébet’s story seems well thought-out, and it’s definitely different from those of other OCs. Her dynamics with various characters are consistent with her personality, and that’s always a good thing.

I thought it a nice detail that she was something of a spider-woman herself, pulling the strings in DN while Doji is otherwise occupied. It was mentioned that she used Doji’s trust to her advantage in this regard - but was it only so she could bargain with Ryuuga afterward concerning what she knew from the DN database, or something else besides that?

The quote at the beginning of the bio is also a nice touch, giving people a sense of her personality even before getting to that portion of the bio. Even if the rest of her story is still being worked on, the foundations of a good OC are there.

Overall, Erzsébet is well put-together. Her unique relationships, a pairing with Ryuuga that works since both are strong characters, and the consistency of her actions with her personality outweigh the potential issue with her Beyblade. I give her a 9.5/10 = +++++++++++++++++++

::Admin!Yui: Wow, finally at the end of the line. The bio is amazing with the exception of several written errors in word choice/spelling.  

Ossu-!

Just want to let all bladers know there's now a third admin on beybladeocreviews. I'll be using the handle admin Kris, you can also find me on my deviantArt page, flamewingsdawnslight.

My experience in reviewing OCs stems mostly from my being part of the Beyblade fandom for almost 15 years (from original series, all the way to BeyBurst), and I've put together an OC creation guide recently. Apart from that, I enjoy creative writing, character design - art in general, really - and I've taken a comics class in college. I've also researched on the actual Beyblades, and tinkered with many of them. You could say those are among my strengths.

I’ve also studied Japanese language and culture, so given the number of Japanese OCs I’ve seen so far - including OCs of mixed race but living in Japan - my knowledge here can really help. 

That said, I haven't actually reviewed Beyblade OCs, but I have developed an eye for them. I'm not one to sugarcoat things, so expect my reviews to be straight to the point. I'll do my best not to use words that may be too harsh for our more sensitive readers, however.

In any case, I can't wait to help all Beyblade fans know their strengths and weaknesses when it comes to their OCs.

Posted under “Fair Use”:: (in US copyright law) the doctrine that brief excerpts of copyright material may, under certain circumstances, be quoted verbatim for purposes such as criticism, news reporting, teaching, and research, without the need for permission from or payment to the copyright holder.

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The artwork is made by deviantART user DemmiSlays

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This is a review by Admin Keiko

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.: Starting off with the positives, I have to say that Jun does look extremely cute! Her whole outfit has unity with all of the colors showing up in at least two different  places. The art style’s exaggerated expressions help to show the overall personality of Jun too, which is a good plus. Although, I think the hair should be toned down a bit. The blonde streaks are not evenly matched throughout the bangs and the back of her hair. It creates an unbalanced look that almost makes it jarring to look at.  The clothing is nicely done, but you could make those shorts a little bit longer or give her a different set of traveling clothes? It would not be save for her to travel in those short of shorts. She could get bug bites and scratches throughout her legs or a lot worse. Everything else about the design of this OCs is extremely strong! I love how the undershirt, the dark green one, turns into her gloves! The belt is really cute too~ It looks like you could clip a lot of things onto it which is good for traveling. (I have been talking about traveling a lot so far, haven’t I? XD) :.

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Name:

Jun Yamamoto

.: Okay, so a Chinese given name and a Japanese Surname. I’m guessing she is half Chinese and half Japanese :.

:: Admin!Yui: Jun is in fact a unisex Japanese name meaning “Gentle;Pure :) ::

.: Admin!Keiko Edit: The name Jun has many different origins. It would be good to add a spot in the Bio for meaning and another for Origin of the name :.

Kanji:

山本 純

Also known as:

 Junnie (by Mei Mei)

 Grease monkey (by Chao Xin)

.: I don’t think Chao Xin would call someone who is so pretty Grease Monkey… It seems out of character for him. Maybe a bit of an explanation as to why he calls her this? :.

Age:

14 (Metal Fusion)

15 (Metal Masters)

16 (Metal Fury)

23 (Zero G) 

.: You got the timeskip right, and she as a good age range too~ She’s older than some of the main cast, but not too old :.

Birthday:

May 5th

Zodiac:

Taurus

Gender:

Female

Nationality:

Japanese

.: Jun was born in Japan, or at least has citizenship in Japan, but you should add her ethnicity since she does have a Chinese given name :.

Occupation:

Blader/BeyMechanic

Car Repair owner (Zero G/ Shogun Steel) (Becomes Co Owner of her fathers company)

.: I really like how she does something other than Beyblade when she grows up. It is very refreshing to see something different :.

Appearance

Hair colour:

Dark Brown with Dirty Blonde highlights

.: I would say more of a Golden Blonde than Dirty Blonde, since Dirty Blonde is pretty much just a Light Brown. I have Dirty Blonde hair myself :.

Eye colour:

Turquoise Green

.: I would remove the green part, as turquoise is just a shade of blue and green :.

:: Admin!Yui: Like Keiko said, turquoise is in fact a shade of green and blue so the green is unnecessary :) ::

Skin:

Fair skinned

Height:

5'4"

.: I have to give you a hand because she looks her height in the reference photo! Great job~ Although, you could add her weight in as well :.

Beyblade Info

Beyblade:

Torrent Rana 

.: Fun Fact; Rana is a type of frog (for those reading for fun) Also, I did not have to google that, no way :.

Beyblade Type:

Attack

Bit Beast:

Frog

Constellation:

Eridanus

.: The constellation itself is a river, but I like how you protray it as a frog! It is a very original Bitbeast, unlike the Dragons and Lions we see all day, every day. It reminds me of how Luri made Polaris a Polar Bear :.

:: Admin!Yui: It’s nice to see a water Blader, as water is a powerful element to use and quite hard to control since it has no set form. It can also be merged with ice attacks. ::

Star:

Delta Eridani

Special Move:

Armoured Tidal Wall,

Deception Bounce,

Vine Tongue.

.: I think that the special moves have awesome names, but it would be nice to have some small descriptions. Also the special moves give off more of a defensive type vibe, rather than an attack type :.

Family and Relationships:

Parents

: Riza Yamamoto

(Mother)

Kazunari Yamamoto

(Father)

Grandparents:

Yui Yamamoto

(Grandmother

) Satoshi Yamamoto

(Grandfather) 

.: Having both parents and grandparents?! You are spoiling us, Demmi! Good job on having a lot of family members. Maybe you could add something about if they are alive or not :.

Allies:

Ginga Hagane, Masamune Kadoya, Madoka Amano, Benkei Hanawa, Yu Tendo, Kenta Yumiya, Chao Xin, Dashan Wang, Mei Mei, Hyouma, Hikaru Hazama.

Rivals:

Chi-yun Li , Hikaru Hazama, Hyouma, Arissa Midori

.: You should add that Arissa is an OC.. Also, I think it is spelled Alyssa :.

::Admin!Yui: “Arissa” is the Japanese translation of “Alyssa” provided by the creator :) ::

Enemies:

HD-Academy, Dr. Ziggurat, Damian Hart, Jack.

.: It is also really nice not to see a list of the whole cast on here. Everyone makes sense with who she would have meant in her journey. Also, since you do not have a friend section, does she not have any friends within the cast? Putting allies give us the impression that they are just people she works with, not having close relationships with  them :.

.: Also, I noticed that you just released that Jun is paired with Chao Xin. I think you need to put more details as to why she is paired with him :.

Personality:

Jun is a very energetic and temperamental person. Her boisterous nature and crazy shenanigans can attract unwanted attention quite easily, Although she hardly ever worries about the consequences of her actions and may even revert to violence in order to vent out her anger.

.: I’m guessing that the period should be a comma instead? Maybe you should have a beta reader look over your Bio. Although, I think everyone should have a Beta reader to help them with their OCs Bio’s :.

During beybattles Jun gets way too fired up for her own good and unless she has a good time, Jun will refuse point blank to continue battling usually just calling her bey back unless it’s an official beybattle. Jun is shown to be supportive towards her team-mates, and even protective of those younger than her, going as far as to nearly start fights. During Metal Masters and Fury, Jun becomes less involved in the blading side of beyblade and focuses most her time repairing and analyzing beyblades. This leads to her becoming more calm and cool towards the end of Metal Masters and the start of Fury.

.: I like the character development, and hopefully, you will show that in the History section of the Bio :. .: The personality gives her an interesting basis, but I would like to see it more developed. More examples and further explanations would help out so much here for this good starting place. It would be good to explain how and why she changes :.

Backstory:

Jun grew up together with her parents and grandparents in the isolated Koma Village, Japan.

.: I’m kinda iffy on this because it seems like you might have just put it here to make her more involved with the story, but we’ll she how it goes :.

There she grew up playing with her two good friends Hyoma and Gingka from dawn till dusk until the age of 7 when her dad decided to venture into the business world and move his family to China to set up his own car repair business, leaving behind her friends, grandparents and Koma Village.

.: The sentence is very long, and hard to read. I think it would be better to divide the sentence into smaller ones. Also, if Koma doesn’t have that much of an impact on her life, it would be better if she just lived in China from the start. It is implied that Gingka and Hyoma are only about 12 during Fusion, so they might have been too young to remember Jun. A nice touch would be adding the struggles of moving from Japan to China. I know that Beyblade is a kids show, but many Chinese do not want anymore Japanese moving there :.

From the age of 7 till the events of Metal Fusion, Jun didn’t return to Japan and lived in Bejing where she met Mei Mei

.: I love this friendship because the world needs more Mei Mei. I’m wondering, how did Jun and Mei Mei meet? You need to explain this, so us, the reader can get an idea about their friendship :.

and spent most of her days improving her Chinese and practising blading with her. In awe of Mei Mei’s amazing skills Jun begged and pleaded Mei Mei to show her how she became so good at beyblading. From there she was introduce to the Beylin Temple and the members inside and decided to stick around to help fix beys with the small knowledge she had from fixing her bey with her dad but mostly to try join Beylin Temple and sneak in some training.

.: Beylin Temple would let her in if she asked since she does seem determined to join :.

When she isn’t beyblading or fixing beyblades, Jun is also with her dad learning and helping repairing cars.

.: I love how this is added in, it gives her more than just Beyblading :. .: The events of the background are solid, not a lot about the actual character is explained. What a good background should do is 1. explain the events that happened in your character’s past, 2. explain how your character got their personality, and 3. give the character some motivations. 

1. You do a good job of explaining what does happen to your character. Some sections definitely need to be expanded on (her moving to China, meeting Mei Mei, and interactions with the other Beylin Temple characters). There doesn’t seem to be a reason for Jun to have lived in Koma. She could have lived in Metal City (the name of the city where Kenta lives, I believe) and been brought into the story when she goes to visit her grandparents.

***These next two are more advanced, and will take some time and practice to do right***

2. Not a lot of personality is shown throughout the backstory. The backstory should explain how her personality developed from childhood to teenage years. We do not get to know about any emotion that Jun felt because the details are not explained. How did Jun become temperamental? What did it feel like moving? How did others treat her when she did move? 

3. From what I read, Jun has not driving motivation to her life. It does not explain that she has an overarching dream to be fulfilled. What is her goal in life? Why does she get out of bed in the morning? Does she have any dreams? :.

Metal Fusion

Jun returns to Japan to visit her Grandparents in Komma Village where she reunites with Hyoma but is curious as to why Gingka has left and where he has gone to, from here she meets Madoka, Kenta, Benkei and Kyoya who were in search of Gingka and fill her in on Gingka’s adventures and current issues.

.: If you are going to keep the fact that Jun lived in Koma village, you should know that Hyoma and the Dog are the only ones who are left. Everyone else had moved out. Doji comfirms this when him and Yuu go to look for clues about L-drago:.

Being convinced by Hyoma and her grandparents to stay in Japan for a little longer, Jun decides to join the Survival Battle after hearing about it, not wanting to pass up a good challenge and spending her time with her new friends before she returns to China. She and Hyoma meet with Gingka and the gang once again but go their separate ways quickly, hoping to battle them later. She has the time of her life parachuting from the plane and as many people start to battle, Jun still hyped from the drop goes in full speed ahead taking on anyone who she crosses paths with.

.: All of this sounds good expect for the part about the grandparents I had mentioned above. Plus, I love the sentance explaining how “hyped” she is from the parachute ride. It shows that she is both entertic and fun loving! You should have more details like that in the Bio :.

Ultimately she is defeated by Kyoya but she decides with Hyoma to remain on the island to view the finals.

.: More details about how her battle with Kyoya :.

Jun doesn’t stay in time for Battle Bladers but wishes her friends luck and returns to China where she continues training with the Beylin Temple.

.: I love how she goes back home before Battle Bladers, as most people just have their OCs replace Canon characters in the battles. It is refreshing to see the change :.

Metal Masters

The World Championships begin and in China, the selection matches are withdrawn as the three strongest bladers of the Beylin Temple; Dashan Wang, Chi-yun Li and Chao Xin are decided to be the team with Mei Mei as sub. Bitter that she was unable to get on the Chinese team as a blader but being familiar with most of the teams beys and having experience with repairing beyblades, Jun saw this as an opportunity to seize a chance at travelling with the Chinese team to The World Championships as their mechanic.

.: I really like how you have her in as a mechanic since not that many people have their characters be mechanics. Plus, her personality and looks are different enough to make her distinctive from Madoka :.

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.: There is a lot of potential for Jun to be a really good character, but many things are not explained enough. Her backstory and personality both have good bases but need to be explained more. The personality needs to have more examples of how she acts in certain ways. The history needs to explain further on how she reacts to the events happening to her. 

There are some really unique ideas, like her Beyblade and being a mechanic for the Chinese team. 

The character also does not feel finished either. The Metal Masters section only has a paragraph, and doesn’t explain how she meant a lot of the characters, and there is not sections for Fury or Shogun. A much more detailed Bio Template should be used too because a lot of things are missing that would be important to her character. (Like ethnicity.)

Even though, she has a lot of unique ideas and a solid design, but a lack of details on Jun’s personality and background make this character fall short of what she can be. 

I’m giving Jun a 6/10, for now. Once a lot of the details are added, I would love to give her a re-review! :.

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Hello, Bladers~

I just wanted to give you a heads up that there is a new admin on Hello-CollectiveBlader or beybladeocreviews, and I wanted to introduce myself!

I’ll be known as admin Keiko on the blog, and you can find out more about me on my deviantART page, the-dual-blader.

Some of my strengths include Art and Design, Character Design, Characterization, Writing, Grammar, and Beyblades (the actual tops). I have taken all of the art classes at my school, so I do know a lot about creating art and what makes art look pleasing to the eye. I have actually been through the process of making a comic book and a movie trailer during my schooling, everything from character designs to making costumes and filming. I was the Treasurer for my school’s creative writing club. I spent a lot of time reading about Beyblades for my own OC, so I know the nitty gritty about how they work. I also used to do reviews of Black Butler OCs. I was not treated fairly, so I left.  

Unfortunately, I do tend to be blunt and not realize my tone when writing, so if I sound harsh 9.9 times out of 10, I didn’t mean it. I am sorry if it does come out sometimes.

Anyways, I am really looking forward to being able to help improve everyone’s OCs~ I am really excited to post my reviews and help all of you improve! 

Posted under “Fair Use”:: (in US copyright law) the doctrine that brief excerpts of copyright material may, under certain circumstances, be quoted verbatim for purposes such as criticism, news reporting, teaching, and research, without the need for permission from or payment to the copyright holder.

This beautiful OC here was suggested by and belongs to http://riseyatogami.deviantart.com/ I love her overall design, she has a cool vibe with her colours and the style of the clothing. The hairstyle she has is unique, especially with the hairbubble accessory. I look forward to reviewing her :D

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Name: Rise Yatogami :: Is Rise pronounced Ree-say :3 ::

Romaji: Raisu Yatogami

Kanji: 夜刀神ライス

Appearance

Hair color: dark purple :: Her reference does not really give off a purple hue on first glance. I would have thought it was black ::

Eye color: blue

Gender: female

Age:  16 (Metal Fusion)

      17/18 (Metal Masters)

      18 (Metal Fury)

      Doesn’t appear in Zero-G :: Allow me to commend you for doing this cause it’s the first I’ve seen. :D It’s nice to see someone take a step away from the norm actually. But overall, though she does not appear, what is her life after the timeskip? ::

Birthday: 23rd August :: Observation: She falls on the Leo-Virgo Cusp ::

Nationality: British-Japanese

Occupation: Pilot, Strategist, Blader :: Nice, I wonder how she got into the subject of Aviation :) ::                

Beyblade Information

Beyblade:  Mad Ceshire DF145D

Bitbeast: Cheshire Cat :: I love this ::

Type: Balance

Element: Madness :: Madness is most certainly not an element, I would suggest adding a “Theme” section and then add madness. I also feel like blue fire would be a good element for her as fire is naturally wild and unpredictable while the blue aspect is like a cool flame to Rise’s personality. ::                

Special Moves:

•Eternal Ecstasy (her strongest attack, Cheshire Cat appears and leaves an evil grin printed on the ground where random claws spike out whenever Rise calls them; it’s an attack that lasts as long as Mad Cheshire spins)

•Darkness of one thousand Wonderlands (vapor-like mist ascents from Mad Cheshire and spreads through the stadium, only Rise can see through it)

•Crazy Pulse (Cheshire summons a blinding light that is reflected by the opponents Beyblade as well, making it wobble)

:: I am excited to read these since I love “Alice in Wonderland” and the fact you integrated it into Rise’s Beyblade is very unique. ::

Rise’s fighting style:

Her preferred battle style is called the hour glass technique: After starting her Beyblade, Rise attacks her opponent with heavy barrage attacks making it seem like she’s using all her strength and stamina right away. After lowering only a little of the other Bey’s power, Rise herself sits down in a meditation-like position and Mad Cheshire takes a defensive stance in the middle of the stadium. After Metal Fury, she’s able to support this stance by using the Solid Iron Wall technique Da Xiang taught her.

Once her opponent has wasted further stamina by attacking Cheshire uselessly, Rise uses her Darkness of one thousand Wonderlands move and stands up. For her, now the real battle begins as she was only pretending to have already used all of her energy. The sudden attack appears as a surprise to her opponent which she uses as an opening to decide the battle’s outcome in her final move Eternal Ecstasy.

Moreover, Rise prefers to fight calmly and collected. When attacking, she uses slow but heavy movements that don’t seem to deal any damage at first but summarize to a very serious issue for her opponent without Cheshire losing too much stamina. With further concentration – for example in a meditation position – Mad Cheshire can distort the enemy’s vision by using air currents, making it appear as if it was vanishing for a few seconds.

:: I can tell you’ve put a great deal of work into this and it’s easy to imagine what kind of Blader Rise is vividly. You have a way with words and so far she is turning out to be a wonderful, thought out character that could be in the anime. ::

Her weaknesses:

Rise relies a lot on hitting her opponent at the right spots to deal the most damage to them. That’s why Mad Cheshire’s movements are rather slow and almost easy to dodge. The vaporization effect can be avoided by changing the air currents, for example with the lion gale force wall. However, depending on how swirled the air currents are, Rise can use her knowledge as a pilot to adapt Cheshire’s air manipulation as well. The element that is the most harmful for Cheshire is water since it’s completely unable to maintain its balance when attacked by water in any way. :: Fire would definitely be a good element for her ::

Family and Relationships:

Parents: Solstice Yatogami (Father), mother unknown

Sibling: Shirako Yatogami (two years younger)

Close Friends (no acquaintances):  Madoka Amano, Ginga Hagane, Hikaru Hasama, Benkei Hanawa, Tobio Oike, Yu Tendo, Tsubasa Ootori, Masamune Kadoya, Mei Mei, Chi Yun Li, Chao Xin, Lera, Nile, Demure, Sophie, Toby, Zeo Abyss, Helios, Dynamis, Michiko and Nagori Ito, Alyssa Midori, Momo, Amaya Kurotsume, Victoria Ishikawa, Ayaka Shishiya, Aiko Yumiya, Luri Kurosawa, Erzsébet Kanizsay

Enemies: Doji, Reiji, Pluto, Rago, Johannes, Dr. Ziggurat, The 100 Schools of Beylin Fist

Complicated/hate: Kyoya Tategami (the only one to ever receive an insult), Ryo Hagane (she thinks of him as lazy and useless) :: I choked on my water XD ::

Love interest: Da Xiang Wang ♥ :: I remember seeing some pictures of them on deviantArt and they are simply perfect. ::

Matches: Vs Da Xiang: lose | Vs some Hades Inc. morons: win | Vs Kyoya: win | Vs Ryuga: lose

Miscellaneous/trivia:

She flies a scientifically updated version of the Spitfire. | Her favorite dish is lasagna. | She doesn’t need much sleep. :: Why? ::| She has a motorbike (Suzuki Katana). | She has a strong immune system.

Personality: Always smiling, calm but provoking, mysterious, decent language, friendly, observing, neutral, knows more than she admits

:: It’s always best to write out her personality than to list adjectives but she does sound very interesting. I’d like to know why she acts these ways. ::

Likes: the ocean, warm sunrays, studying, sleeping in front of a fireplace, working out, the color black, history, discipline

Dislikes: Immature behavior, irrationality, laziness, geography, most vegetables, most dogs (it's literally a canophobia) :: Why does she dislike geography? and it’s interesting that she is feline themed and doesn’t like dogs ::

Backstory:

Rise was born into the Yatogami military family that investigated the existence of parallel dimensions and worlds using modernized fighter jets, located in the UK. :: This is a great start, now I know how she got into aviation. I like how you worded this too, it just flows so nicely :: Just as her younger brother Shirako Yatogami, Rise was already getting used to fly these jets with only the age of 10. Scientists and researchers discovered the possibility to enter parallel worlds that are close to the earth through high speed combined with physical instruments when being in just the right level of the earth’s atmosphere. At the age of 11, children who attended flight training schools, like Rise and Shirako did, are allowed to make their own journey through one of the perused parallel worlds. As Rise turned 11, she decided to enter the Beyblade universe. As a consequence, she became a Blader in the Bakuten Shoot world. There, she gained a lot of experience about Beyblades while becoming a skilled Blader herself. :: This sounds amazing :D So she isn’t truly apart of the Beyblade universe, she’s a visitor. What influenced you towards an idea like this? c: ::

Her Brother, Shirako, volunteered to enter the Metal Saga universe after the discovery in order to collect information about the evolution of Beyblades. Rise herself has never been very eager to travel through another Beyblade world. But when Shirako returned two years later, having become a very powerful Blader, she slowly began to change her mind. Shirako, who has now quit Beyblade for personal reasons, decisively introduced her to the Metal Saga world. He showed her the Bey City and his favorite shop, B-Pit.

Rise, who was seemingly unimpressed with what she saw at first, got to know Madoka better until they both became close friends. Still, she decided that the role of a neutral observer would fit her the best, so she pretended to be a simple Bey-strategist, rather than a true Blader. :: I admire the way you managed to merge Rise into this world without so much as interfering with the canon too directly. ::

Metal Fusion:

One day, Madoka brought two strange boys with her to the shop, Ginga and Kenta, whose Beys she wanted to repair. After that encounter, Rise decided to follow Madoka whenever she accompanied Ginga. Madoka’s technical knowledge and Rise’s strategical thinking combined turned out to be very helpful for Ginga in his training and battles.

After Ginga’s first fight with Ryuga at Doji’s hideout, Rise started to doubt that her understanding of the Blader spirit equals with the understanding Ginga and his friends carry because she instantly realized that destroying L-Drago could not be the solution to prevent evil-doers like Doji from misusing the power of Beys. She was close to leaving the Metal Fight universe again, when Hikaru and Madoka convinced her to stay (Rise told them that she plans to leave Japan). From that point, she travelled through the country together with Hikaru who collected points for Battle Bladers. :: Adding a secondary character like Hikaru is great touch since you can develop two characters at once :D ::

She grew close to Hikaru and when Ryuga defeated her in one attack, Rise spent a lot of her time next to Hikaru’s bed in the hospital, watching Battle Bladers on TV. Every time she witnessed a fight with Reiji, her usually neutral behavior changed to an uncomprehending type because she despised the way Reiji treated his opponents. The night after Kenta’s fight with him, Rise decided to leave without a sign was caught by Ginga. He explained how he felt about the various actions of Beybladers and their desires. As Rise realized that Ginga’s words actually fit her own beliefs, she finally decided to stay with him and the group for a longer time.

The next morning, Rise received a mail from her brother Shirako who has become a famous racer in another world in an outstanding short amount of time. In the mail, he sent her an updated version of Rise’s Bey Cheshire that she kept from the Bakuten Shoot world. It was Mad Cheshire DF145D. From that day on, she secretly started her training again.

Metal Masters:

Rise kept staying at Ginga’s and Madoka’s side who appreciate her strategic advices.  After the Japanese representative team was chosen, she continued traveling the world with them as Gangan Galaxy’s team strategist.

Her first encounter with Da Xiang took place at Beylin Temple with Ginga and the others. While Da Xiang didn’t even notice her at first, Rise was fairly impressed with his skills and training techniques from the very beginning. After Ginga’s and Da Xiang’s battle, she seemed to have disappeared at first. In reality, she stayed at Beylin Temple to catch the surprised Da Xiang during his nightly training. :: I think I saw a picture based on this c: :: He was about to report her when Rise admitted her interest in his personal strength training methods. A conversation developed to the point where both of them ended up talking about personal interests and values. As the night faded, Rise decided to leave. Both of them felt odd due to the fact that Rise had begun caring for Beylin Temple’s legacy whilst Da Xiang worried if he had given a strategist too much information. :: This is a great start to their relationship ::

From the clash of team Wang Hu Zhong and Gangan Galaxy to the day of their departure, Da Xiang and Rise both felt the desire to chat again, but it didn’t occur.

In Greece, Rise was just as mad at the teams poor cooperation as Madoka was, so they both locked themselves away in their room. When Chao Xin came to persuade Madoka, he also mentioned that Da Xiang was with them, as well. Rise, who was surprised because she never revealed having talked to Da Xiang, could only assume that maybe he has told his team about their conversation. The whole day, both of them were unsure how to greet each other, so it never actually happened. Rise wasn’t able to sleep that night and as a result she spent her night on the beach. In the early morning, Da Xiang, who was about to start his training, found her. Assuming that no one was around, Rise had been playing with the waves of the ocean. As a giant wave caught her off guard, she was flushed directly to Da Xiang. Both were astonished by the awkward situation since Rise had shown her childish side. :: This is new dimension to Rise that I like, shows there is more to her mysterious mannerisms :: However, Da Xiang decided to join her in playing in the waves. As a huge wave arrived they would have definitely been unable to block, Rise took his hand and forced him to dive with her through the huge wave that was breaking above them [that’s why it’s called Breakwater Shipping~]. :: You’re really good at developing how they interact, it makes them an even more likeable couple ::

Exhausted, they lay in the sands and started talking about Beyblade again. Da Xiang admitted his amazement over Rise having such a huge knowledge about Beys without even battling. With the ocean and Da Xiang nearby, Rise suddenly felt surprisingly safe. She began explaining her journey and background to Da Xiang but requested from him to keep it a secret. In exchange, Da Xiang demanded a battle with her. They battled fiercely and even if the battle looked like it was in Rise’s favor for a long time, Da Xiang decided it in an opening he took after distracting her. Rise was disillusioned by her loss at first due to her high win rate in the Bakuten Shoot universe. On the contrary, Da Xiang promised to train her at Beylin Temple himself once the Championships were over. Looking forward to meeting each other again, their ways parted.

After Gangan Galaxy’s own successful battle against team Wild Fang, Rise was even more disappointed to see Wang Hu Zhong’s loss against Excalibur on TV as she has hoped to see Da Xiang again sooner. In America, Rise got trapped in a small alleyway by some tough guys after she had lost track of Ginga’s group who were already looking out for her. The bullies cornered her and as one of them tried to hit her, she blocked his fist. In a brief second, she launched Mad Cheshire and used her special move “Crazy Pulse”, allowing her to become invisible after her Bey sends of a blinding light. The flash of light was noticed by Ginga and Madoka who came just in time to see Rise catch her Beyblade again. At first, the two were confused by the sight, but then they realized the origin of Rise’s strategic knowledge. Disappointed by her behavior, Gangan Galaxy left her standing where she was and Rise who didn’t even appear at their hotel anymore, feeling guiltier than ever before. :: Why would they be disappointed in her? ::

After the furious DJ battle, Da Xiang began to wonder where Rise had gone. That night, he waited for her alone at a playground – and she appeared. They talked about the conflict which was obviously Rise’s fault. Rise admitted that she didn’t want to stay in the Metal Fight universe at first anyways, and that she actually only wanted to collect some information about the latest advances in Beyblading. Still, he brought her to the realization how much she actually enjoyed this world until now. Concluding from that, Rise moved on to tell Ginga and his friends the whole truth the next day. At first, they weren’t sympathetic about someone who is neglecting being a true Blader, :: Ohhhh okay. :: but as Rise became more and more desperate about still being accepted by the gang, they finally decided to forgive her. The question arose whether Rise could help Gangan Galaxy out by being the third member for the battle against team Star Breaker, but the chance soon disappeared as the WBBA wasn’t able to register Rise as a Blader anymore. Resulting from that, Rise just continued to provide Gangan Galaxy with strategic advices. :: I’ve seen this term a lot and another term for it would be tactical/tactician ::

During the fight in Hades City, Rise was also of use as she was able to knock out groups of Hades Inc. employees who wanted to interfere with Ginga, Masamune and Toby.

After the incident, Rise actually spent a few weeks at Beylin Temple where she was trained by Da Xiang [see the “Sunny Day” drawing]. They became really close and soon, rumors started to spread whether they’d be dating.

Metal Fury:

One day after training, Wang Hu Zhong received a call from Ginga’s group who were searching for the legendary bladers. Moreover, they asked Rise to join them in their journey once again because her strategic advices had been helpful after all. Thus, Rise traveled back to Japan and met up with Madoka who explained the next steps to her.

Rise accompanied the group during the encounter with Ryuga and also their trip to China. There, she learned the story about the Beylin Fist and promised to Da Xiang that she would help convincing Aguma to support the legendary Bladers instead of Hades.

In America, she was especially amazed by the Destroyer Dome and its concept. In order to show Shirako some of the newest technological advances, team Lovushka, who knew him, gave Rise a concept paper of how the Destroyer Dome works. Together with a friendly letter she wrote with Ginga and his friends, she sent the documents to Shirako.

During the journey through Mist Mountain, Kyoya and Rise started to argue because she can’t stand his immature talk about being a lone lion. The conversation escalates in the ruins as Rise finally calls him a “posing twit”, making him launch his Beyblade at her. She accepts the fight and they battle. With Leone’s wind attacks and Cheshire Cat’s vapor, the whole mountain peak becomes incredibly dangerous resulting from the storm force. In the end, Rise wins because she was able to predict the weak point of Kyoya’s King Lion Crushing Fang due to her flying knowledge. However, losing to her angered Kyoya even more.

On Beyster Island, Rise participated in her first tournament. She didn’t last very long though, since she encountered Ryuga as her second opponent. Rise didn’t stand a chance against him and had to drop out.

When the group headed to the Mayan pyramid, Rise didn’t follow them but instead saved Tsubasa from a troublesome situation and together they caught up with the group again. Later on, she talked to Aguma in private to persuade him to join the alliance. During the battle against Nemesis, Rise fought together with Masamune, Yu and Tsubasa. In the end, she lent Ginga her strength, as well.

Post-Fury:

Rise keeps traveling from China to Japan and vice versa in monthly gaps. On the one hand, to keep in touch with Madoka, Ginga and their friends, and on the other hand, because Da Xiang asked her to stay with him. Three weeks after the Nemesis crisis, they crossed the friendzone they firstly feared and became a couple.

Posted under “Fair Use”:: (in US copyright law) the doctrine that brief excerpts of copyright material may, under certain circumstances, be quoted verbatim for purposes such as criticism, news reporting, teaching, and research, without the need for permission from or payment to the copyright holder.

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I always found OCs with these kinds of hairstyles very cool. It’s just a unique look to me that stands out. The pink hair is nice touch with the brown, not to showy but just enough to get you noticed while walking down the street in the daytime. :)

This OC is named Ringo Sesuya, submitted by and belonging to http://chichithaeia.deviantart.com/ ::

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“I was so angry at everyone all for that one mistake Gingka made. I stopped battling because of him and shut myself out, from love, but then, I slowly found myself falling…falling into the arms of...Tetsuya.”  ~Ringo to Madoka

:: A great quote is always the best way to introduce the character on a personal level :D ::

•Full Name: ~Ringo Sesuya •Alias: ~Nana Tendo <Birth Name> ~Ri-Ri [By Yuu] ~Rin-Chan [By Hyoma] ~Ms. Sesuya [By Doji] •Age: [Born: Chiyoda Ward, Tokyo, Japan] :: I really like how you added the specific location of birth, shows you did research :) :: ~15 Years Old ((S:1)) ~16 Years Old ((S:2)) ~17 Years Old ((S:3)) ~24 Years Old ((S:4)) •Hair Color: ~Orange [Former-Natural] :: Like Yuu? Then where did the brown come from? :: ~Pink [Current-Dyed} •Eye Color: ~Dark Green •Skin Tone: ~Fair •Sexuality: ~Heterosexual •Blood Type: ~A- :: This is an interesting addition as most Japanese tend to think that blood type dictates personality. You can find information on the A type here: https://www.japantoday.com/smartphone/view/lifestyle/the-importance-of-blood-type-in-japanese-culture :: •Ethnicity: ~[Mixed Race-French/Japanese] •Nationality: ~Japanese •Relatives: ~Mr. and Mrs. Tendo [Biological Parents] ~Yuu Tendo [Younger Brother] ~Freya Tendo [Younger Twin Sister] ~Tadashi Sesuya [Adoptive Father] ~*~ ((---Zero-G/Shogun Steel---)) ~Tetsuya Watarigani [Husband] ~Patty Watarigani [Brother-in-Law] ~Millie Watarigani [Daughter] •Love Interest: ~Tetsuya Watarigani :: This is simply so fresh to see, I never would have guessed that someone would pair with this crabby fellow. I wonder what are some things that made you choose him? I for one think this is very cool and unique of you to do than pairing with the main characters. :: •Occupation: ~Journalist Intern [Metal Saga] ~News Reporter [Zero-G/Shogun Steel] :: She remind me of me xD I’m a journalist as well :: •Friend(s): ~Amiku Hawks, Yuu Tendo :: It’s always good to see specific people here than 90% of the cast, however, wouldn’t Tetsuya also fall under this friend section? :: ~Rival(s): ~Gingka Hagane, Kyoya Tategami, Dan and Reiki, Yuu Tendo, and Hikaru Hasama, Tetsuya Watarigani •Enemies: ~Doji, Dark Nebula Bladers, Rago, Dr. Ziggurat ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ •Beyblade: ~SiriaCanis BD125XF :: I like the concept of naming the Beyblade from the constellation :: •Special Move: ~N/A :: How come she lacks a special move? :: •Myth/Constellation: ~Canis Major /ˌkeɪnᵻs ˈmeɪdʒər/ is a constellation in the southern celestial hemisphere. In the second century, it was included in Ptolemy's 48 constellations, and is counted among the 88 modern constellations. :: Points for doing research :) :: •Beyblade Attribute: ~Earth/Air :: Earth is stable and air is light and flexible, with these two traits she would be a very powerful Beyblader, so great job for adding these :) I’d like to know if she is perhaps a Defence type since Earth is primary associated with that. :: ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ •Personality: ~Ringo has a very 'hard' personality, she has a bit of a temper that pushes away nearly everyone she meets. :: That’s sad, does that mean most people do not try to understand why she acts like that? I’d be angry too if nobody attempted to ask :( :: Ringo is distrusting and hardly lets others get close to her. She is very strict and harsh with her team and strives for perfection. :: That’s a good thing in it’s own sense being a strong leader but her team may not like her too much unfortunately. :: She acts harsh towards everyone to establish her dominance and leadership but has a soft, protective spot for her friends and little brother. :: Aww that’s good. I’d hate for her to not have someone to be close too. :: Ringo is a kind and caring underneath and willing to stand up for peaple she cares for and for what she believes is right as when she stood up for Tetsuya as she cares greatly for him however dispite this she is shown to have insecurities and second guessed her decisions at times. :: I love Ringo’s personality, I can see she is going through her own inner turmoil but it gradually working through it over time. It shows that she changes from closed in until she tries to open out to someone that wants to get to know her :) :: •Relationship with Tetsuya: ~She eventually falls in love with Tetsuya Watarigani after he repeatedly tries to get close to her to become her friend. Even though she finds Tetsuya annoying, she also finds him amusing because of the way he acts. :: And very much so, he is a very humorous person :: She eventually learns that he had suffered in the past and begins to relate to his pain and lonesome. She eventually begins to mellow down the more Tetsuya hangs around her, quelling her anger and providing her with a good laugh. :: That sounds wonderful he plays a part in her development into a happier person, he’s got the charm ;) :: Even though she refuses to admit her feelings for Tetsuya, she will admit she’s glad she had met him. She eventually sees Tetsuya as one of her closest friends, and she eventually invites him out on certain outings and Beyblattles. She does like to make fun of Tetsuya from time to time for the way he acts about crabs :: Does he randomly pinch her? I must know XD ::, but that’s only because she likes getting a reaction out of him. He pesters her about it in return. Eventually, she is able to openly admit her feelings for Tetsuya, and is eventually able to completely control her temper and violent streaks. After awhile she stops violently attacking Tetsuya completely, but she still teases him playfully. In Zero-G, the two end up married with a sweet little girl named Millie Watarigani that Ringo vowed to be a great mother and give a wonderful childhood too. :: Aww I enjoy happy endings :) :: •Backstory: ~Ringo Sesuya, previously named Nana Tendo, grew up in a foster home located in the Chiyoda Ward of Tokyo, Japan. She was adopted by an older man by the name of Tadashi Sesuya, whom verbally abused Ringo as she grew up :: This is a good reason as to why she would be harsh speaking and hard around the edges but why did he adopt a child solely to abuse her? ::, making her jaded and unapproachable. Ringo had a fiery temper she found hard to control which led to many initial confrontations with her peers. Although she was lonely and secretly wanted a friend, she wouldn’t let anyone close to her. The only friend she managed to make was Amiku Suoh :: I thought her last name was Hawks? ::. Amiku had went through similar situations to her and truly understood her anger and frustrations. Amiku is the only one thus far able to calm her angry lash outs. In her teenage years, Ringo becomes the team leader for the "The Hallstar Girls" an up and coming Beyblade team. She is very harsh and strict toward her team and wants to be acknowledged as leader. She only strives to win and doesn’t seem to truly care for her team's well being (Either that or she’s really good at hiding how she feels) and this causes a lot of tension between the team and her.) :: Plausible, I’m glad you added this part :: After an argument with one of her team members, she came across a boy who seemed a bit off:: Only off? Tetsuya you found a keeper, she doesn’t think you are a few short apples from a tree XD :: , Tetsuya. She initially brushed him off but he began following her around because he merely found her ‘intriguing’, Ringo tends to get very annoyed by this and will sometimes retaliate by violently yelling hurtful words at Tetsuya in some way or another which had little to no affect on him :: Hmm, he’s had some hard times as well but he is good at playing it off, so this is also plausible ::. She eventually gives in and begins to tolerate Tetsuya. She eventually lets him in, although she finds him annoying most the time and spends a lot of time in his presence after. :: He wasn’t going to go away so might as well lol :: She eventually finds out she is Yu Tendo’s older sister :: How? :: and even though she acts like she could care less, she later claims that she actually really cares for Yu and is protective of not losing him to anyone.

:: Running down this list of mine, the next one to be reviewed is Ayane Hanabi belonging to user http://darkellia.deviantart.com/ ::

Name

: Ayane Hanabi :: Hanabi is not a Japanese surname ::

Nickname: Kitsune(her grandma started to call her this ever since Ayane obtained Fox); Ayaya(Yu calls her this) Birthday: 23rd of March :: Observation: Aries~ :) :: Age: 15 :: Though optional, it would be best to add her ages through the four seasons, 15-16-17-24 :: Gender: Female Nationality: Japanese  Occupation: Blader, mechanic (kinda like Madoka) and blader for the Dark Nebula. :: Just write BeyMechanic and omit the “like Madoka” part, it’s unnecessary :: Height: 148 cm Weight: 50 kg Body: Skinny and curvy :: Though I find it weird to be skinny (thin would be a better word) and curvy, being that it is based on bone structure, it is possible. :: Beyblade: Flare Fox Beyblade type: Attack type Bit-beast: Fox :: Nothing wrong here but why not a Kitsune? :: Special Move: Burning Dance (in which the bey moves,clashes and makes sounds in order to imitate the rhythm of a song. But the down side is that most of the songs make the bey stop spinning after it ends. And the ones who doesn't,not only are much calmer and slow,but also makes the bey lose most of its balance at the end. These facts makes it so the attack must be used with caution and with sure that it'll work,or else,it would be suicide.) :: Plus points for describing her Beyblade’s attacks well :: Personality: Ayane is kind, humble, calm, supportive, trusting, friendly, innocent, caring and protective. :: That’s a lot of adjectives, turn this into sentences and explain how she is these features. :: But she's also shy when it comes to things like kisses and love in general, ::Kinda random being that this is a children’s anime, an “Aimed at boys” shonen children’s anime. Also, you could just add “romance” to shorten this portion :: stubborn when it comes to her beliefs, a pushover ::Not a good trait for a Blader in Dark Nebula, or a Blader in general, as a “Pushover” is described to be a person who is easy to overcome or influence ::, she's a strong blader but physically weak :: This does not add up as you need to be strong to Beyblade strong ::, very, VERY curious :: That should pose as a bad thing then ::, delicate(as in you can easily make her feel pain even from something as simple as a hard handshake) :: This is not going well, she seems too soft to be a Beyblader ::, confident and sometimes loud and annoying. Not to mention that she has both insectophobia and arachnophobia. :: These are not personality traits ::

Likes: Ryuga,Akio,her grandmother,her friends,food that isn't made of eggs(especially sweets such as chocolate),cooking, eating (she eats a LOT and, due to her fast metabolism, she doesn't get fatter), wild life(mostly animals), beys, beyblading, eggs, fixing beys, cuteness ,making people happy, music, comedic stuff and hugs(she likes to hug and to be hugged).

Dislikes: Insects,spiders(obviously),when Ryuga tries to make a move(might be just to scare her, but still) :: Define "make a move" ::, the fact that her teeth are sensitive :: Sensodyne is a great sensitive-teeth toothpaste ::, cruelty towards animals, when eggs are being used as food, love in general(as in more than love for your friends and family),hypocrites, horror(as in the genre),the fact that her ears are very sensitive,immature people and blood/gore(it loses its impact after a short while).

Love interest: Ryuga :: Interesting, let’s see where this takes off at. I generally do not ship Ryuga with just anyone but I’m not gonna drop my hopes off at the door yet ::

Friends: Tsubasa,Yu,Benkei, Hyoma,Ryuga(he counts as both for her ),Emma Sama(©),Lena Grimm(©) Victoria Ishikawa(©),Wolfertia,Jena,Kria,Aliocornia(©), Ringo Sesuya(©), Amaya (©)

:: I like that I don’t see 90% of the MFB cast here like most do ::

Childhood: Ayane's childhood was mostly spent with her grandmother. The reason being that as a baby, her parents were in constant fights. Constantly cursing, even going as far as hitting each other. :: Domestic abuse would be a shorter term :: Because of that,Ayane was given:: Adopted/Fostered? :: to her grandmother. Kotone was kinda :: Why just kinda? ::protective of her, but also wanted her to be independent. So Kotone only protected her of stuff that could actually harm her, while teaching her how to survive. These included cooking, making a shelter, fixing beys, hunting for food, reading, writing, and also how to use her advanced :: I thought it was sensitive, aka loud noises probably causing pain to her ear drums and such. Where did advanced hearing come in? :: hearing to her advantage in the wild. And thus, on her 6th birthday, Ayane was given Kotone's old bey(A.K.A Flare Fox) as a gift, on top of her necklace.

Dark nebula & Metal Fusion: One day, after a tournament,Ayane was walking around in a forest close to the city and saw a bird that had his wing broken. She grabbed him and took care of him until his wing got better. She fed him,petted him,and even taught him how to sing some songs she liked. With she singing the lyrics while he sang the instrumentals.When the wing healed, Ayane tried to let him free in the wild again,but he always came back to her. The both of them had developed a bond so strong that he just refused to stay away from her. Thus,Ayane labeled him as her pet. She named him Akio due to the fact that, being an Eastern Phoebe, he likes to eat the things she fears the most;bugs and spiders. :: Akio means “Bright boy” in Japanese so how does that fall into him protecting Ayane from bugs? :: And because of that,instead of putting him in a cage most of the time,she always holds him close to her. Usually in her shoulder. Once the whole Battle Bladers thing was announced,Ayane noticed that she needed only 200 more points to be qualified. :: When did she start earning the other 49,800? :: Thus,she joined 4 tournament that gave 50 points each. On the last tournament she faced,she ended up facing a Dark Nebula member,and thus,Doji was watching their battle. After Ayane easily defeated said member without much effort :: I want an explanation as to how this went down :: ,Doji then saw that he could use her for his plan. So shortly after getting the remaining points,Doji came in and invited her to join the Dark Nebula. :: Let me stop you right there, there is no way Doji picks up random Bladers that do not show impressive skill, and Ayane being new and physically weak, this is improbable :: She accepted it. While in the Dark Nebula she met Tsubasa,Yu and,of course,Ryuga :: Of course ::. Ayane befriended Tsubasa and Yu,but not Ryuga. She kept trying but with little to no results. ::It’s kinda hard to befriend the other two though :: She tried everything,from complimenting him,to trying to have a chat to even offering to clean the L-Drago for him. The usual response coming from him ranged from a "leave me alone,kid" to just ignoring her entirely. This constant trial and error ended up with her subconsciously developing a crush on him,due to how she found out that he's a strong blader,doesn't fear anything,and can also be harsh. :: This is iffy since dismissive actions should not equate romance, I guess maybe admiration/infatuation...:: Some traits Ayane admires and secretly wishes she could have. :: So Ayane secretly wants to be aggressive, interesting :: And even though Ryuga might not want to give in,Ayane is not the type of person to give up! So after a plethora of attempts to try to know Ryuga a bit better,she was finally able to pass a bit of time with him,A.K.A have a beybattle. :: Yeah, I can see that happening ::

Even after putting up a fight,he won obviously,but surprisingly,during their battle,she didn't get angry at his attempts at trying to suck her energy away. No matter how hard he tried to get her enraged,she just agreed with him and/or just shrugged it off as him trying to make her lose concentration. :: She’s got the power of passive! :: Even with so much insults and her butt getting kicked hard,she was still able to have somewhat of a good time. That day, she learned that Ryuga is an extremely strong blader(as in even stronger that what she already thought he was) and,even though most people would get scared by him during a battle,she actually found him kinda cute. :: I want an explaination right now to how this loudmouth ball of aggression is cute xD :: She just thought he was getting carried away. She even thanked him for the battle and complimented him after it ended. He got angry with that,while she got confused.

Some more time passed,and he was being slightly more interactive. Until one day,she just couldn't take it anymore;she confessed to him...and then ran away to the nearest forest as fast as she could while as red as a tomato. She passed most of that day there,relaxing,thinking about how much she made a fool of herself. Late at night,she was going back to her room on the Dark Nebula castle. Most people were asleep at this time,with a few exceptions. Ayane was close to her room when she noticed Ryuga's room was nearby. :: Is this it, the part where it goes downhill? :: She was able to hear Ryuga there,wide awake. So she came to his place and knocked on his door. He was annoyed by the sudden interruption,but still answered it anyway. Ayane was extremely reluctant to say anything,but was able to say that she wanted to talk to him. She basically apologized for her behaviour earlier and this time explained herself a littoe better. Ryuga didn't want to hear any of that, so he briefly said that if she REALLY wanted to get through with it,she would have to keep it all a secret and he also warned her that there's no "cutesy love" coming from him. ::There it is, the downfall, it was going so well too. See, the approach I would imply to happen would him ignoring the idea entirely and telling her to piss off since WE ARE in METAL FUSION. If this was Fury, I’d humour the idea but it is clearly not--I double checked. This portion needs some revising. :: She,completely blown away, accepted his...acceptance and then tried to glomp him. He dodged it,and she fell face first on the ground.

The days went by, Ayane and Ryuga continued their relationship, and Battle Bladers started. Ayane's battle was about to start when suddenly, she recieved a call. It was the hospital. She was told that her grandmother broke various bones after falling down the stairs and that a surgery would be needed in order to put her spine back to place. :: Um, if the spine came out of place, that lady is now paralysed. That, and if a fall did that to her, she should have not lived or at least found herself in a hospice :: Ayane was in complete shock after hearing the news, and, after being a bit relunctant, she gave up Battle Bladers and went straight to the hospital her grandmother was in. She was then disqualified.

So after the surgery and recovery of her grandmother, she was sent back home. But her recovery still wasn't a 100%. So Ayane assisted her at home until full recovery. But Ayane still watched Battle Bladers from the tv. It was kinda hard to hear the tv due to Kotone constantly complaining that Ayane wasn't the one there beyblading against all of these strong opponents. :: Kotone has better things to worry about--like her life for example. :: But still, Ayane was already happy that Ryuga was there kicking everyone's butts. Ayane was kinda saddened that he ended up losing :: Excuse me? Who lost? What are we referring too?::, but she was way more focused on her grandma to try and go after him to support him in person.

Masters,Fury and Zero-G: (under construction,sorry)

Extra Information: Ayane is very protective and caring for her grandmother,willing to put anything and everything aside in case she needs her. Ayane just doesn't really live with her grandmother because Kotone didn't want Ayane to be pushed back by her needs. But that doesn't stop Ayane from seeing her twice a week. And since she taught Kotone how to use a cellphone (it took over 3 months but it was worth it), she contacts Ayane in case she needs something. So everytime she contacts Ayane about something she needs,her first instinct is to do it for her. Ayane already lost over 4 tournaments other than Battle Bladers because of her grandmother needing things like medications, getting unstuck from places,or taking care of things. :: Then she probably should stop signing up for these tournaments, ya know. :: Ayane is very self aware of her own flaws and tries to fix them,even though she fails everytime. And because of that,it's hard for her to be offended when someone talk bad about her. It's rare for her to even feel angry,and it's even harder for her to hate something. Hence why when she snaps, all of her inner rage is unleashed. Ayane is great at hearing and is able to detect small changes and low sounds. But this causes her to have very sensitive ears. So because of that she covers her ears with her hair in order to not have them hurt. :: Having astute hearing and having over-sensitive hearing are not the same thing. :: Ayane loves to pass her time in forests, even if they're filled with insects and other nasty creatures. :: It’s a circle of irony :: Especially if there's plenty of cute animals. Akio might help her to deal with the creatures she fears, but she only truly mans up if there's a bigger animal about to eat him. Usually she knocks out the animal by lauching her bey at it and then runs far away or just runs while holding Akio. The reason being that the last thing Ayane wants to do is hurt/ kill the predator. :: I’m gonna go on a hunch and say that if Ayane’s beyblade is a fire element type, it could be used to scare the animal instead of her having to hit it. :: After all, it's just following the circle of life. But there were times where she didn't just knock out the predator, but instead actually killed it. And everytime this happens, she gets sad and guilty for the animals death. Almost as if it was her own pet. That's because Ayane has a really big sympathy for animals. If she sees a dead animal anywhere, she'll immediately pity it. And if she somehow glances the slightest hint of animal abuse, whether intentinal or not, she flat out snaps and attacks the person. Ayane is very in tune with nature. So much that, if something can happen even without human interference (like for example a pig getting killed so it can be used as food ), she won't mind doing it. Yet, even with that, she absolutely hates to see or even think about egg based food. She finds it wrong and absolutely unfair to eat a baby animal.

:: This character is a growing character, I’d have to say she does need work and some research. She has an overly simple design that I cannot see in the actual anime and as a traveller, it’s impractical and you should look into a redesign at some point, maybe an alternative clothing for later seasons. She has an excellent personality that has many dimensions, but her pairing needs special attention--like really zoom in on trying to make that work with someone like Ryuga. Overall, I give Ayane a 7/10 :D ::

Posted under “Fair Use”:: (in US copyright law) the doctrine that brief excerpts of copyright material may, under certain circumstances, be quoted verbatim for purposes such as criticism, news reporting, teaching, and research, without the need for permission from or payment to the copyright holder.

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Lilou belongs to http://lilou-miura.deviantart.com/ 

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Name: Miura Lilou

Romaji: Miura Lilou

Kanji: 三浦 りろう

Also known as: Lou

Appearance

Hair color: Crimson and Light Pink

:: I love her hair colour, it’s very unique :D ::

Eye color: Dark Pink

::Magenta maybe? ::

Gender: Female

Age:  14 (Metal Fusion)

      15 (Metal Masters)

      16 (Metal Fury)

      23 (Zero G)

Birthday: 20th April

Nationality: Japan-Austria :: It would be written as Japanese/Austrian ::

Occupation: Blader

               WBBA Agent (Shogun Steel/Zero G)

                Beyblade(s):   Musical Temptation 2045D (Metal Fusion, Metal Masters)                    Nexus Siren 4030D (Metal Fury)                    Sakura Nexus Siren 6050D (Shogun Steel/Zero G)

:: So she has a music type beyblade? I really like the concept of her having a Siren within her Beyblade along with those skills, they're all very unique and actually may be the first music type Beyblade used by a fancharacter ::            

Special Move: Smashing Tune, Heavy Bass Drop, Mystic Melody, Deadly Lullaby :: I love these names you chose ::

Family and Relationships: N/A

Parents: Mikiko Miura (Mother) :: Nice to know this character has a parent, even more so that it's a mother ::

Siblings: None :: Kinda lonely, isn’t it? Lol jk. ::

Friends: Ginga Hagane, Masamune Kadoya, Kyoya Tategami, Rindo Tategami, Zeo Abyss, Toby, King, Chris, Madoka Amano, Michiko Ito, Nagori Ito, Ryuga Kishatu, Zero Kurogane, Sakyou Kuroyami, Benkei Hanawa, Nile Nairu, Yu Tendo, Kenta Yumiya, Julian Konzern, Wales, Sophie, Chao Xin, Da Xiang Wang, Mei Mei, Hyouma, Hikaru Hazama, Ryusei Hagane, Tsubasa Ootori, Sora Akatsuki, Dynamis, Yuki, Tiki, Aguma, Takeru, Victoria Ishikawa

:: Does she interact with all these people? ::

Enemies: Doji, Ziggurat, Damian Hart, Jack, Johannes, Ryuga Kishatu, Pluto

Love interest: Hyouma ♥ :: Ooooh nice. She’s paired with good ol Koma Aries boy :3 I bet they’ll make a cute couple <3 ::

Posted under “Fair Use”:: (in US copyright law) the doctrine that brief excerpts of copyright material may, under certain circumstances, be quoted verbatim for purposes such as criticism, news reporting, teaching, and research, without the need for permission from or payment to the copyright holder.

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Rindo Tategami belongs to http://rindo-tategami.deviantart.com/

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Name: Rindo Tategami

Romaji: Rindō Tategami

Kanji: 竜胆 盾神

:: By Tategami already, I’m guessing she is a sibling to Kyoya (as if the drawing wasn’t enough). I’m not against sibling OCs but if they are done right is the real dilemma. ::

Appearance

Hair color: Dark brown with red highlights

Eye color: Clear blue :: Just blue would be fine ::

Gender: Female

Age:  13 (Metal Fusion)

      14 (Metal Masters)

      15 (Metal Fury)

      22 (Zero G)

:: At least you got the timeskip age correct :) ::

Birthday: 24th July

Nationality: Japan

Occupation: Blader                   Headmaster of the Face Hunters (Metal Fusion)                   Headmaster ofthe Team Wild Fang                  

Beyblade(s): Scar Pyuma 100WB (Metal Fusion)                    Bite Pyuma 85S (Metal Masters, Metal Fury)

Special Move: Hord of Fire Felines

Family and Relationships:

Parents: Unkown

Siblings: Kakeru Tategami, Kyoya Tategami

Friends: Ginga Hagane, Masamune Kadoya, Zeo Abyss, Toby, King, Chris, Madoka Amano, Nagori Ito, Ryuga Kishatu, Zero Kurogane, Sakyou Kuroyami, Benkei Hanawa, Nile Nairu, Yu Tendo, Kenta Yumiya, Julian Konzern, Wales, Sophie, Chao Xin, Da Xiang Wang, Mei Mei, Hyouma, Hikaru Hazama, Ryusei Hagane, Tsubasa Ootori, Lilou Ongaku, Dynamis, Yuki, Tiki, Aguma, Takeru, Victoria Ishikawa :: Does she interact with them all? ::

Enemies: Rago, Pluto, Johannes, Bao, Doji, Dr. Ziggurat, Damian Hart, Jack, Kotaru Ito :: Is Kotaru an OC? ::

Love interest: Sora Akatsuki ♥ ::It’s really cool to see an OC paired with someone other than Ryuga, Tsubasa, or Kyoya. :D