#adminkeiko

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The artwork is made by deviantART user DemmiSlays

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This is a review by Admin Keiko

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.: Starting off with the positives, I have to say that Jun does look extremely cute! Her whole outfit has unity with all of the colors showing up in at least two different  places. The art style’s exaggerated expressions help to show the overall personality of Jun too, which is a good plus. Although, I think the hair should be toned down a bit. The blonde streaks are not evenly matched throughout the bangs and the back of her hair. It creates an unbalanced look that almost makes it jarring to look at.  The clothing is nicely done, but you could make those shorts a little bit longer or give her a different set of traveling clothes? It would not be save for her to travel in those short of shorts. She could get bug bites and scratches throughout her legs or a lot worse. Everything else about the design of this OCs is extremely strong! I love how the undershirt, the dark green one, turns into her gloves! The belt is really cute too~ It looks like you could clip a lot of things onto it which is good for traveling. (I have been talking about traveling a lot so far, haven’t I? XD) :.

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Name:

Jun Yamamoto

.: Okay, so a Chinese given name and a Japanese Surname. I’m guessing she is half Chinese and half Japanese :.

:: Admin!Yui: Jun is in fact a unisex Japanese name meaning “Gentle;Pure :) ::

.: Admin!Keiko Edit: The name Jun has many different origins. It would be good to add a spot in the Bio for meaning and another for Origin of the name :.

Kanji:

山本 純

Also known as:

 Junnie (by Mei Mei)

 Grease monkey (by Chao Xin)

.: I don’t think Chao Xin would call someone who is so pretty Grease Monkey… It seems out of character for him. Maybe a bit of an explanation as to why he calls her this? :.

Age:

14 (Metal Fusion)

15 (Metal Masters)

16 (Metal Fury)

23 (Zero G) 

.: You got the timeskip right, and she as a good age range too~ She’s older than some of the main cast, but not too old :.

Birthday:

May 5th

Zodiac:

Taurus

Gender:

Female

Nationality:

Japanese

.: Jun was born in Japan, or at least has citizenship in Japan, but you should add her ethnicity since she does have a Chinese given name :.

Occupation:

Blader/BeyMechanic

Car Repair owner (Zero G/ Shogun Steel) (Becomes Co Owner of her fathers company)

.: I really like how she does something other than Beyblade when she grows up. It is very refreshing to see something different :.

Appearance

Hair colour:

Dark Brown with Dirty Blonde highlights

.: I would say more of a Golden Blonde than Dirty Blonde, since Dirty Blonde is pretty much just a Light Brown. I have Dirty Blonde hair myself :.

Eye colour:

Turquoise Green

.: I would remove the green part, as turquoise is just a shade of blue and green :.

:: Admin!Yui: Like Keiko said, turquoise is in fact a shade of green and blue so the green is unnecessary :) ::

Skin:

Fair skinned

Height:

5'4"

.: I have to give you a hand because she looks her height in the reference photo! Great job~ Although, you could add her weight in as well :.

Beyblade Info

Beyblade:

Torrent Rana 

.: Fun Fact; Rana is a type of frog (for those reading for fun) Also, I did not have to google that, no way :.

Beyblade Type:

Attack

Bit Beast:

Frog

Constellation:

Eridanus

.: The constellation itself is a river, but I like how you protray it as a frog! It is a very original Bitbeast, unlike the Dragons and Lions we see all day, every day. It reminds me of how Luri made Polaris a Polar Bear :.

:: Admin!Yui: It’s nice to see a water Blader, as water is a powerful element to use and quite hard to control since it has no set form. It can also be merged with ice attacks. ::

Star:

Delta Eridani

Special Move:

Armoured Tidal Wall,

Deception Bounce,

Vine Tongue.

.: I think that the special moves have awesome names, but it would be nice to have some small descriptions. Also the special moves give off more of a defensive type vibe, rather than an attack type :.

Family and Relationships:

Parents

: Riza Yamamoto

(Mother)

Kazunari Yamamoto

(Father)

Grandparents:

Yui Yamamoto

(Grandmother

) Satoshi Yamamoto

(Grandfather) 

.: Having both parents and grandparents?! You are spoiling us, Demmi! Good job on having a lot of family members. Maybe you could add something about if they are alive or not :.

Allies:

Ginga Hagane, Masamune Kadoya, Madoka Amano, Benkei Hanawa, Yu Tendo, Kenta Yumiya, Chao Xin, Dashan Wang, Mei Mei, Hyouma, Hikaru Hazama.

Rivals:

Chi-yun Li , Hikaru Hazama, Hyouma, Arissa Midori

.: You should add that Arissa is an OC.. Also, I think it is spelled Alyssa :.

::Admin!Yui: “Arissa” is the Japanese translation of “Alyssa” provided by the creator :) ::

Enemies:

HD-Academy, Dr. Ziggurat, Damian Hart, Jack.

.: It is also really nice not to see a list of the whole cast on here. Everyone makes sense with who she would have meant in her journey. Also, since you do not have a friend section, does she not have any friends within the cast? Putting allies give us the impression that they are just people she works with, not having close relationships with  them :.

.: Also, I noticed that you just released that Jun is paired with Chao Xin. I think you need to put more details as to why she is paired with him :.

Personality:

Jun is a very energetic and temperamental person. Her boisterous nature and crazy shenanigans can attract unwanted attention quite easily, Although she hardly ever worries about the consequences of her actions and may even revert to violence in order to vent out her anger.

.: I’m guessing that the period should be a comma instead? Maybe you should have a beta reader look over your Bio. Although, I think everyone should have a Beta reader to help them with their OCs Bio’s :.

During beybattles Jun gets way too fired up for her own good and unless she has a good time, Jun will refuse point blank to continue battling usually just calling her bey back unless it’s an official beybattle. Jun is shown to be supportive towards her team-mates, and even protective of those younger than her, going as far as to nearly start fights. During Metal Masters and Fury, Jun becomes less involved in the blading side of beyblade and focuses most her time repairing and analyzing beyblades. This leads to her becoming more calm and cool towards the end of Metal Masters and the start of Fury.

.: I like the character development, and hopefully, you will show that in the History section of the Bio :. .: The personality gives her an interesting basis, but I would like to see it more developed. More examples and further explanations would help out so much here for this good starting place. It would be good to explain how and why she changes :.

Backstory:

Jun grew up together with her parents and grandparents in the isolated Koma Village, Japan.

.: I’m kinda iffy on this because it seems like you might have just put it here to make her more involved with the story, but we’ll she how it goes :.

There she grew up playing with her two good friends Hyoma and Gingka from dawn till dusk until the age of 7 when her dad decided to venture into the business world and move his family to China to set up his own car repair business, leaving behind her friends, grandparents and Koma Village.

.: The sentence is very long, and hard to read. I think it would be better to divide the sentence into smaller ones. Also, if Koma doesn’t have that much of an impact on her life, it would be better if she just lived in China from the start. It is implied that Gingka and Hyoma are only about 12 during Fusion, so they might have been too young to remember Jun. A nice touch would be adding the struggles of moving from Japan to China. I know that Beyblade is a kids show, but many Chinese do not want anymore Japanese moving there :.

From the age of 7 till the events of Metal Fusion, Jun didn’t return to Japan and lived in Bejing where she met Mei Mei

.: I love this friendship because the world needs more Mei Mei. I’m wondering, how did Jun and Mei Mei meet? You need to explain this, so us, the reader can get an idea about their friendship :.

and spent most of her days improving her Chinese and practising blading with her. In awe of Mei Mei’s amazing skills Jun begged and pleaded Mei Mei to show her how she became so good at beyblading. From there she was introduce to the Beylin Temple and the members inside and decided to stick around to help fix beys with the small knowledge she had from fixing her bey with her dad but mostly to try join Beylin Temple and sneak in some training.

.: Beylin Temple would let her in if she asked since she does seem determined to join :.

When she isn’t beyblading or fixing beyblades, Jun is also with her dad learning and helping repairing cars.

.: I love how this is added in, it gives her more than just Beyblading :. .: The events of the background are solid, not a lot about the actual character is explained. What a good background should do is 1. explain the events that happened in your character’s past, 2. explain how your character got their personality, and 3. give the character some motivations. 

1. You do a good job of explaining what does happen to your character. Some sections definitely need to be expanded on (her moving to China, meeting Mei Mei, and interactions with the other Beylin Temple characters). There doesn’t seem to be a reason for Jun to have lived in Koma. She could have lived in Metal City (the name of the city where Kenta lives, I believe) and been brought into the story when she goes to visit her grandparents.

***These next two are more advanced, and will take some time and practice to do right***

2. Not a lot of personality is shown throughout the backstory. The backstory should explain how her personality developed from childhood to teenage years. We do not get to know about any emotion that Jun felt because the details are not explained. How did Jun become temperamental? What did it feel like moving? How did others treat her when she did move? 

3. From what I read, Jun has not driving motivation to her life. It does not explain that she has an overarching dream to be fulfilled. What is her goal in life? Why does she get out of bed in the morning? Does she have any dreams? :.

Metal Fusion

Jun returns to Japan to visit her Grandparents in Komma Village where she reunites with Hyoma but is curious as to why Gingka has left and where he has gone to, from here she meets Madoka, Kenta, Benkei and Kyoya who were in search of Gingka and fill her in on Gingka’s adventures and current issues.

.: If you are going to keep the fact that Jun lived in Koma village, you should know that Hyoma and the Dog are the only ones who are left. Everyone else had moved out. Doji comfirms this when him and Yuu go to look for clues about L-drago:.

Being convinced by Hyoma and her grandparents to stay in Japan for a little longer, Jun decides to join the Survival Battle after hearing about it, not wanting to pass up a good challenge and spending her time with her new friends before she returns to China. She and Hyoma meet with Gingka and the gang once again but go their separate ways quickly, hoping to battle them later. She has the time of her life parachuting from the plane and as many people start to battle, Jun still hyped from the drop goes in full speed ahead taking on anyone who she crosses paths with.

.: All of this sounds good expect for the part about the grandparents I had mentioned above. Plus, I love the sentance explaining how “hyped” she is from the parachute ride. It shows that she is both entertic and fun loving! You should have more details like that in the Bio :.

Ultimately she is defeated by Kyoya but she decides with Hyoma to remain on the island to view the finals.

.: More details about how her battle with Kyoya :.

Jun doesn’t stay in time for Battle Bladers but wishes her friends luck and returns to China where she continues training with the Beylin Temple.

.: I love how she goes back home before Battle Bladers, as most people just have their OCs replace Canon characters in the battles. It is refreshing to see the change :.

Metal Masters

The World Championships begin and in China, the selection matches are withdrawn as the three strongest bladers of the Beylin Temple; Dashan Wang, Chi-yun Li and Chao Xin are decided to be the team with Mei Mei as sub. Bitter that she was unable to get on the Chinese team as a blader but being familiar with most of the teams beys and having experience with repairing beyblades, Jun saw this as an opportunity to seize a chance at travelling with the Chinese team to The World Championships as their mechanic.

.: I really like how you have her in as a mechanic since not that many people have their characters be mechanics. Plus, her personality and looks are different enough to make her distinctive from Madoka :.

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.: There is a lot of potential for Jun to be a really good character, but many things are not explained enough. Her backstory and personality both have good bases but need to be explained more. The personality needs to have more examples of how she acts in certain ways. The history needs to explain further on how she reacts to the events happening to her. 

There are some really unique ideas, like her Beyblade and being a mechanic for the Chinese team. 

The character also does not feel finished either. The Metal Masters section only has a paragraph, and doesn’t explain how she meant a lot of the characters, and there is not sections for Fury or Shogun. A much more detailed Bio Template should be used too because a lot of things are missing that would be important to her character. (Like ethnicity.)

Even though, she has a lot of unique ideas and a solid design, but a lack of details on Jun’s personality and background make this character fall short of what she can be. 

I’m giving Jun a 6/10, for now. Once a lot of the details are added, I would love to give her a re-review! :.

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Hello, Bladers~

I just wanted to give you a heads up that there is a new admin on Hello-CollectiveBlader or beybladeocreviews, and I wanted to introduce myself!

I’ll be known as admin Keiko on the blog, and you can find out more about me on my deviantART page, the-dual-blader.

Some of my strengths include Art and Design, Character Design, Characterization, Writing, Grammar, and Beyblades (the actual tops). I have taken all of the art classes at my school, so I do know a lot about creating art and what makes art look pleasing to the eye. I have actually been through the process of making a comic book and a movie trailer during my schooling, everything from character designs to making costumes and filming. I was the Treasurer for my school’s creative writing club. I spent a lot of time reading about Beyblades for my own OC, so I know the nitty gritty about how they work. I also used to do reviews of Black Butler OCs. I was not treated fairly, so I left.  

Unfortunately, I do tend to be blunt and not realize my tone when writing, so if I sound harsh 9.9 times out of 10, I didn’t mean it. I am sorry if it does come out sometimes.

Anyways, I am really looking forward to being able to help improve everyone’s OCs~ I am really excited to post my reviews and help all of you improve!