BRANDON EVAN MOULDEN

“Same Pain” now streaming EVERYWHERE!

https://bemoulden.bandcamp.com/track/same-pain

New single "CIRCLES" is now streaming EVERYWHERE!

Visit Bandcamp to purchase CIRCLES with the EXCLUSIVE A Cappella Version!

CIRCLES is OUT NOW!

Available on Bandcamp: https://bemoulden.bandcamp.com/releases

Click the link to purchase "Circles" as well as an exclusive A Cappella version ONLY available on Bandcamp!

Now Streaming EVERYWHERE.

APPLE: https://music.apple.com/us/album/circles-single/1530968191

SPOTIFY: https://music.apple.com/us/album/circles-single/1530968191

Performed, Written, Produced, Mixed, Mastered and Cover Designed by Brandon Evan Moulden.

Photography by Seth Miller.

"I Like The Sunrise"

NOW STREAMING ON SOUNDCLOUD!

A rendition of a song of hope and longing by the great Duke Ellington (Music & Lyrics), arranged by BEM + The Overflow.

Out of the Vault. From the 2014 BRIDGES- EP Sessions. Just for YOU!

Personnel:

Alex Cross: Piano, Keyboards, MicroKorg

Drew Gaunce: Upright Bass, Electric Bass

Marcus Grant: Drum, Percussion

Elijah Thomas: Flute, Alto Saxophone

Produced by Brandon Evan Moulden & The Overflow

Dash Williams: Engineering

BEM w/ Darian Davis: Photography, Art Direction & Design

© 2020 BEclecticoMo Music

Y’all...It has legit been 10 years since I graduated high-school. 10 DAMN YEARS! I was reminded of this a couple weeks ago  when that group text came through saying: “Hey, Everyone! It's our 10 year HS anniversary this year. I thought it would be great if we got together to celebrate…” 

The funny thing is that I started writing this post months ago before that text even came though. It was finished, yet of course I sat on it for no good reason. I also find it funny that it quite effectively touches on my high school experience and how it has significantly affected my relationship with what I would consider my greatest adversaries: perfectionism, regret, and expectation. Let’s get to it...

Let me begin by telling  you about my high school experience. Or at least the aspects of it that will help this  post make sense. If I’m to be totally honest...for the most part, I WANTED OUT! Just give me my degree and let me be free! Now don’t get me wrong, I am grateful that my parents did all they could to make sure my siblings and I got the best education they could afford. But it was a Christian school, and Christian schools have the potential to do a number on you. The school featured capitalistic conservatism, radical evangelicalism and “covert” bigotry (among other things) clothed in Jesus’ fabulously righteous garments. This is never good for a black and/or closeted queer youth. (I could go on, but I won’t...nor do I think I need to) In my experience, I can say that it may have ingrained certain expectations and an obsession with unattainable perfection. This became a cocktail of people-pleasing and self-hatred. 

All of this is coming from the valedictorian or the class of 2009! (I’m still caught up on 10 years...And my have things changed within them…) I was the student who received countless academic and  “Christ Like Behavior” certificates as well as the peer who got cheated off of the most (If I even allowed it, which was rare).  I was a saint, doted on for my dedication to academics and God. I think y’all get the picture. In my head, perfection was expected of me, and I was to deliver. I was to “become all things to all people, that by all means I might save some.” (1 Corinthians 9:22) Exhausting!! (or the way I internalized it then definitely was.) Chiiille, unlearning some of this mess is grueling work , but I think I’m doing a good job at it. 

If you do not have enough background, DM me. We can discuss. But we’re gonna fast-forward to today…

Click here and you will get a pretty accurate glimpse at my today as it relates to this post…

My high school experience is front and center in one of the most vivid dreams I’ve ever had, a dream that I continue to recall when I need  to get my life all the way together in my journey away from perfection and unsustainable expectations. 

In this dream, I find myself back in high school, and I am playing the part.  Respectful. Quiet. Smart. Liked, but not necessarily part of a clique. Awkward AF (and some things never change). I am seated with the student body and faculty in the main auditorium. Weekly chapel service is about to commence, but I have to go to the bathroom. I get up to tell my teacher, the physical embodiment of all the pressure I felt to meet every unsustainable expectation of my life who we are gonna called Ms. Beulah Harrison. This was a huge reason as to why I could not stand her, among a few other reasons. She was the worst, but she was human...even if she did not want us to know it.

“Young man you’ve got 5 mins,” she admonishes Beulah-ly (yes I turned her name into an adverb. Her personality was so big, her name could be any part of speech). To which I respond, “Girl, all I gotta do is pee. I’ll be back in 4! Bloop!” Back then I would have never said something like that to anyone, especially not Beulah! However, in this dream world, I did and my girl LAUGHED! 

Somewhere between amusement and utter confusion, I proceed, and find clothes strewn all throughout the bathroom. I also find two washers and two dryers (which were definitely not there in real life).I take care of business despite my confusion, and as I wash my hands I notice that my ass is standing there in some boxers and a t-shirt. My uniform must be somewhere in this mess! I manage to throw on what I believe to be the right clothes, turn to look in the mirror, and see that what I’m  wearing is definitely not my uniform. I am wearing hot pink jeans, and a slightly faded navy, black and hot pink button down that is both tiger-striped and floral patterned.

I am now frantically looking everywhere for my uniform. I can’t go back to chapel in this! I begin putting random garments in my backpack (which was actually my current one) that I think are mine, knowing damn well most of these items would not pass dress code. I look back at my bag which has become a much larger drawstring laundry bag. I look though the bag, but to no avail. Not knowing if what is in the bag is clean or dirty, I eye the washers and dryers. “Maybe if I wash all of this I’ll be able to find the uniform and get back to chapel.”  At that moment I say to myself (out loud...in the dream...calm as ever...), “Brandon, stop it. You know what this is about. Wake up.”

I don’t know if I would have ever found the uniform in my dream. I also don’t know if all of that took place in the 5 minutes Beulah gave me or in the 4 minutes I told her it would take me, but all of the above are somehow beside the point and the point exactly.

I’ve spent years trying to fit into “clothes”(expectations) that no longer fit or suit me. I’ve gone through a lot to try to do so as well. Sometimes I’ve sacrificed my peace of mind and happiness to remain in them, but the same way you outgrow clothing, you definitely outgrow expectations. These expectations weren’t just those that others had for me; they were my own as well. And of course, my own became a lot more stringent than those of others. Compounded expectations became burdens, and burdens can turn into familiar yet dismal comfort.

Have you ever looked at the “On This Day/Memories” section of Facebook, scrolled through and thought, “Dear gawd! What the hell was I thinking?”

You don’t have to lie. You don’t even have to admit it to me. I know you have. I even know that I’m not the first person to ask you that question. I just want you to it admit it to yourself. I sure as hell know I have. It happens more than I’d like it to, but that is Facebook for you. (Who’s even just gone ahead and deleted the egregious regrettables? Ok I’m done…)

You do, however,  stumble upon those posts every now and then that make you step back and say, “Wow…this is a part of my journey? I forgot about that. Yaaasss!” I stumbled upon one of those recently: the customary social media “coming-out” post. (This is not mandatory. Your journey is your journey. My hope is that you do eventually live your truth...but in your own time of course. No pressure.)

As of late, I’ve charged myself to delve more into the autobiographical artistic explorations of young black queer creatives. (ie. Janelle Monae’s Dirty Computer and Darnell L. Moore’s No Ashes in the Fire: Coming of Age Black and Free In America. PLEASE support and submerge yourself in these phenomenal yet underexposed creations. A-MA-ZING!)  I feel great pride and gratitude seeing myself reflected so clearly in the work and lives of other young black queer people who are absolutely killing the game. This shows me, yet again, the importance and undeniable necessity of representation, not only for the next generations but also for peers. Experiencing works of art that reflect a desire to be free, to be comfortable with self, to love and be loved, to have community is reaffirming my place in a community often overlooked and misunderstood. These works of art are reminders that no one person should have to suffer alone because of how they identify or experience freedom.

After coming out on Facebook, I remember one of my friends asking me why I had done so. Although it wasn’t aggressive, it did come across slightly confrontational and accusatory. It was as if the friend was asking “Why in the hell would you do that?!?” I don’t remember exactly what I said, but I recall my answer being very nonchalant as a way to hide the fact that I felt very put on the spot. If asked today, I definitely  would say it was because I was tired of feeling invisible.

Seeing the words that my 23 year old self wrote as a declaration of liberation re-ignites the fire to do what I will always seek to do in anyway I can: to give a voice to the misunderstood, the ostracized, the oppressed…the underdog. So Facebook Memories are not always shameful. 

Here is “Labels”:

One of my biggest fears/pet peeves is the idea of labels. That sounds pretty pathetic, I know. It really bothers me when people learn one thing about me then take it and run with it, making a judgment or simply assuming that they know me based on one detail. I think it’s lazy. I shouldn’t care, but I’m learning every day not to care as much as I did the day before. I try my best to avoid making these rash oversimplifications of other people’s identities. I take my time to figure out why a person is the way they are and to take them as they are in every moment (which also includes deciding if I want them in my space or not).

I remember watching that interview Raven Symone did with Oprah. You know the one where she says  "I don't want to be labeled 'gay.' I want to be labeled 'a human who loves humans.'…I'm tired of being labeled.” Then she goes on to say "I'm an American. I'm not an African American; I'm an American." And we all collectively think the thought that has manifested on Oprah’s face, “You so damn dumb…”

Even as I sat in front of my screen, piqued and perplexed by her erasure of her blackness and queerness, I also remembered my own dislike of lazy labels. But then I had to ask myself: What is so bad about a label? Though labels have the power to separate, they also have the power to bring people together. This is evident both with those who are a part of the same groups as well as those a part of different ones. Some…damn...most labels themselves aren’t detrimental; however, the ignorant ideas that get attached to them are the detriments. So these harmful ideas associated with the labels have very little to do with the labelled but with the ignorance of the labelers.

Having said that, for quite some time I have felt as though I have not been my complete self out of fear of the ideas attached to certain labels with which identify. So here goes. For those of you who do not know (and for those of you who have been trying to guess and always had a feeling and wanted to ask but never did) I am indeed a gay man. BOOM! WHAAAATT? Crazy, right?

For what I would say 18 of my almost 24 years of life, I have felt pretty “different.” I remember when I was little I honestly didn’t see what the big deal about my differences were. I didn’t care! You can ask my family. I was a pretty unapologetic, lively, confident, and expressive child, but as one gets older, society begins to dictate what right and wrong, cool and uncool, acceptable and unacceptable, etc. You either conform or you rebel and be ostracized for it. I chose the former. I lost my magic, man! I became everything that everybody and they mama and papa wanted me to be, as I witnessed the persecution of the “rebels.” I’m also ashamed to say that sometimes I was a persecutor as well! When you are taught that “different” is a bad thing, you do what you can to avoid being the victim.

When you are in the early days of the masquerade, it’s easier to maintain, but you are never aware of how damaging it is until the growing pains set in. Feelings of depression, anxiety, loneliness, and hopeless became overwhelming. I was confronted with the idea that my repression may result in my demise. I had to take the time to  unlearn and relearn and accept who I am. “Hindsight is always 20/20,” and I started to see and feel all the pain, not only of my own but of others as well. All the people with sad faces and heavy spirits who abandoned their own ideas of life, success, happiness, love, joy and peace for contrived forms just for the “luxury” of normality. All the people that tried to end it all. All the people whose lives were cut short. All the people who in someway succumbed to the pressures of society.

I recently had a very in depth conversation with my grandmother during which I told her that I was gay, and her response was “…well…I wish you would have told me earlier, my man…it would have saved you a lot of pain…” When she said this I found myself laughing through my tears. Somehow, her response was what I expected; it was also very true.

For some time, I would wrestle with the idea of living and speaking my truth. “Don’t do this, Brandon. The world already has a reason (albeit an ignorant one) to hate you.” (You guessed it: my blackness.)  However, I should not care if the realities of my existence and identity causes anyone else to find reasons to hate me. I’d rather be hated for what I am than loved for who I’m not. The raging storm of distress and loneliness within me over the past two decades is far worse to endure than any hate that I will receive because of my identity. I am so grateful for the support system I have found in my family and true friends. Even when some needed time to process and adjust, the love and support was always there. Y’all make it so much easier to maneuver through the hateful and bigoted ideologies of this world. Believe that.

I just want to live my life and own my “labels”:

Black

Artist

Musician

Gifted

Son

Brother

Friend

Gay

The list goes on and creates my ultimate label, Me…Brandon. I’m cool with that. This list will grow and change as I continue to grow and define the man that I am. I hope my life is an example for those who have ever felt the same way I have no matter their background or “label”. With all that I do, I want to give a voice to the misunderstood, the ostracized, the oppressed…the underdog. That is my purpose. We are loved. We matter. We are excellent. Our differences should be embraced.

I’m open to questions, love, hate,  prayers and “prayers”…and whatever else. But I know that I love you all and am excited to grow with you!

There are innumerable blogs that utilize the whole “[insert number] Things to Do In Order to [insert outcome that may not even result from the aforementioned number of things]” format. This overabundance of “list blogging” is why I write this blog with caution, but don’t worry! I am going to avoid telling you what to do all together.

Wait don’t stop reading! I have my reasons:

1. I’m no life coach. I can’t tell you how to get your life together. And that’s because: 

I have no certification to do so.

I don’t know your life.

My shit sure ain’t as together as I’d want it to be. (...but that might make me an expert, no? Below is “The Guide On What You Probably Shouldn’t Do.” Just kidding... ) 

2. I’m not gonna have y’all going out there trying these untested “things” and it not working! Y’all not finna get mad at me and accuse me of making it worse.

Hence, I have decided to try my best to frame this post (and those that are similar)  as “things I should do, and by all means, you all can join me at your own risk.” This list is not comprehensive of course. There are many things I could and will do to change my life, but these are the things I feel the Spirit leading me to focus on in this season of my life. So here goes…

1. Let things go...eventually...I mean...quicker.

A lot of people seem to find this idea incredibly feasible; however, the way my anxiety and my pet peeves are set up, I am not one of those people. “Things” will be held onto. “Things” will crawl up under my skin and overstay their welcome. Although, let’s not just talk about the negatives. I can also hold onto the glory days as if “it can’t get much better than this,” even when I know that it is best to move on. I’ve held onto things like relationships (platonic and romantic...or the ideas of them) and opportunities that have gone stale because of comfort or the fear of uncertainty. The time does come when “things” become burdens and hands become unable to receive the new, and if I don’t let go of that which is actually holding me back, I’ll never be able move forward.

2. Give myself time.

I am 27 years old. I’ve messed up. I’m not exactly where I want to be in life. I’ve wasted time. (“Life lessons aren’t wasted time.” A good portion of that time is filled with lessons. These lessons are much appreciated, but I’m sorry. Quite a bit of wasted time is in there…) I am grateful for the strides I’ve made and to still be alive to make the most of the time I have left, but in order to make the most of that time, I must forgive myself for the time that I have lost, even when I’ve lost time being hard on myself for time lost. That’s a lot of time, right?  Healing, growth, goals, and a whole slew  of other goodness take time. The work is necessary and worth it, but self-forgiveness and time are as well.

3. Treat myself the way I want to be treated.

Yes, I must treat others the way I want to be treated, but what about me, dammit? (If you don’t agree that self-care and pouring into one’s own cup is not selfish and is beneficial for us all, then click exit, please and thanks…) Do I lavish myself in kindness and compassion? Do I even know what that feels like? Sometimes I do, but consistency is everything. In my opinion, The Golden Rule is kind of insignificant if I don’t understand what it is like to be loved by me while also being grateful for it! If I’m showing others love without having first shown myself love, eventually something is going to go wrong. I want y’all to drink, but what y’all finna get from an empty cup?

4. Look in the mirror already expecting to see goodness, not expecting to see something to fix.

I once read that none of us really know what we actually look like because our self-image can be clouded by your irrational perceptions of ourselves (both positive and negative). I feel like most men (and probably most people) wouldn’t admit this, but my self image/body image is not all that great. One tendency I have when I look in the mirror is to focus right on all the things that are “not right”. I don’t necessarily want to view myself irrationally, but if I did, I’d much rather it lean towards the positive side (not like in a douchey way though). Occasionally, I’ll do “Body Scan” guided meditations. One of the main things that, we’ll say, Claire or Donald tells you to do is to “See yourself as you are. Just observe yourself, neither positively nor negatively.” I think Clair and Donald are onto something! There’s absolutely no reason for me to struggle with this. Well maybe except for the constant images of unrealistic body expectation and beauty standards (mostly Eurocentric) that we are exposed to everyday damn day. I know that I’m a fine piece of ass, because yall have said it (just kidding, but I see you lookin’); however, I don’t want to need the reassurance of others or the mirror to let me know this. I want it to already be in my beautiful heart.

5. Self-care for myself and make changes not because I hate what I see but because I love myself enough to do and be better.

NOW STREAMING ON SOUNDCLOUD! 

An imperfectly perfect collection of sound, emotion, thought and feeling crafted by Brandon Evan Moulden + the Overflow.

“Bridges” (Written by Brandon Evan Moulden & Garrick V. Morgan)

“Do Me No Favors” (Written by Brandon Evan Moulden)

“Interlude” (Written by BEM & the OverFlow)

“Sweet Georgia Brown” (Music by Ben Bernie & Maceo Pinkard. Lyrics by Kenneth Casey. Arrangement by BEM & the Overflow)

Personnel:Alex Cross: Piano, Keyboards, MicroKorg

Drew Gaunce: Upright Bass, Electric Bass

Marcus Grant: Drum, Percussion

Dave Marion: Guitar

Elijah Thomas: Flute, Alto Saxophone

Produced by Brandon Evan Moulden & The Overflow

Dash Williams: Engineering

Nicky Wood: Additional Engineering

Darian Davis: Art Direction & Design

BEM: Photography

Lately I have been in somewhat of a creative lull….Hell… I have been in a complete state of creative “nah”…

Maybe it hasn’t been that bad, but in my head I could be doing a lot more. I’ve always been one who is in love with the creative process. In order for me to feel motivated or even worthy, I must feel as though I am creating.

As much as I love creating, I am also one who will second guess that which I have created. I will pick it apart and over analyze until I have nearly given up (or given up all together) on an idea, no matter how much potential it may have. (…Damn you, Perfectionism…) This doubt also makes me susceptible to the negative critique of others, causing me to take their opinions on as my truth. Now why would I do that??...knowing damn well what the truth is: 

I am excellence. Excellence ain’t always perfect, but it is certainly much more than enough.

I’m sure we all have those moments when we don’t feel like we are bringing enough to the table. Those moments when we aren’t feeling the most creative and fruitful. These moments and feelings are not specific to the arts. They happen in other instances where creative energy should thrive, like on our jobs or in our interpersonal relationships.

It may be a time to sit back and reflect…to observe and absorb…to practice and hone the gifts...to be receptive to the creative abundance around you. Don’t worry. It will pass. It passes every time it happens…if we allow it to…

We just have to embrace the excellence…

The other night, I meditated for the first time in a long while. I went in with an open heart and mind, looking to receive some sort of insight or push to help me in my creative journey. After sitting for a few minutes, a series of words (affirmations and mantras) began to flow into my mind that gave me a restored sense of creativity and worthiness. 

I want to share them with you. In your next meditation (or at the moments when you ain’t doing a damn thing!! ) try to think on these words. Choose one line; Choose a few. Choose one key word that resonates with you and meditate on it. My hope is that it inspires and ignites you in anyway you need it to.

Here is a meditation for the uninspired (as well as the inspired) creatives: 

My heart and mind are open to creative energy. I am worthy of creative energy. I am made of creative abundance. I will receive and give creative abundance. I am worthy of creative abundance. I will be restored. I am worthy of restoration.

I am abundance. I am creativity. I am restored. I will receive. I will give. I am grateful. 

I am worthy.

Have y'all ever taken a look at your “On This Day” feature on Facebook, seen your previous posts, paused, contorted your face in some form of disgust and then asked yourself “Who the hell posted that??” I have. I’ve even considered removing all evidence of the posts…matter fact I have just deleted some of them…not gonna lie.

I’m sure you have too…I’m also sure you have stumbled on those posts that even years later make you go

The other day this happened to me. Three years ago, I posted the following note (that I don’t think many people read…but that’s ok because not many people read Facebook notes anyway…I don’t feel any kinda way…😅😅😩😞😏😜). I felt the urge to post it again because it still resonates with my current experience and study in certain ways THREE YEARS LATER, and I believe the need to understand love in its many facets will forever be a driving force in my life. I also believe it should be for all of us.

It blessed me all over again, and I hope it can do the same for you in some way as well.

It’s so easy for me to feel out of place, awkward, lonely, caught out there, unloved etc.

Like VERY easy. A part of me wonders why this has become so the older I get. I remember when I was in high school, I pretty much had three close friends (one being an exchange student from Thailand…the other two being teachers) And I was COMPLETELY fine with that.

I mean growing up I always marched to the beat of my own drum, and I guess I ended up realizing that that was just gonna be the case and that everybody ain’t gonna like it. This created within me doubt and insecurity. There were many things I started to see that were “wrong with me”. Things that I thought would make it easier for “no one is to get me.” But I made it through…

Then came college. The time when (as my sister put it) I would become a more accurate depiction of the person I would be for the rest of my life. How could that be so? I went into it not knowing who I was at all!! And not knowing for a long time honestly. Creating this image of whom I thought it would be safe for me to be for everyone. That formula began to fail, and my doubts and insecurities began to become even greater. Being alone became more commonplace.

As life progresses, one starts to learn and experience more. You begin to be exposed to different things and people, and sometimes having so many people around begins to become exciting! “I never had this before!! This is awesome!!” Everyone seems to love you and seems to be your “bestie”…then you learn the hard way that everyone isn’t your bestie…or even your friend at all! The ones who you thought were the people who “got it”…who made it better…who made you feel like you could be you…they disappear sometimes or you have to make the decision to remove them from your life…”You will be able to count your REAL friends on one hand” the words of my mom constantly ring in my heart. I began to wonder “Brandon, why would you let your guard down…you know better…”

But the funny thing is…I got so excited then disappointed by the ones who came and left… That I forgot the TRUE BLUES who were there from the start and stayed! Despite my ignorance and negligence…REAL friends & family……

The other day I was leaving a gig with a couple of my friends in my band and I ended up in a jam where I couldn’t get home due to a car situation. One of my friends offered to let me stay at his place until I got myself together…I kept thanking him as if his gesture was so out of the ordinary! He kept looking at me like I was crazy and said “Dude this is what we do…we look out for each other…”

… It was nothing…normality…commonplace…

In the midst of being frustrated and frazzled by the situation I had to stop…and be present…and understand that I had gotten to a point where an expression of care and love had become so unusual or foreign…like the same gestures of love that I would carry out for another could actually be returned to me…

I read a blog entry by my favorite artist, Amel Larrieux, about detachment and presence. In this entry she began to talk about how we sometimes think that separating ourselves from others…from reality can give us inner peace…and even though this can be helpful, she went on to say how more importantly being not only present with ourselves but with others, within the moment…with God…can give us that sense of peace, joy, love that we all seek…wholeness…

Being present allows us to both RECEIVE and GIVE the benevolence we never knew we could. We just have to avail ourselves…let this good be commonplace and still awe-inspiring. Not taking it for granted…not forgetting the things and people that truly give you THAT feeling…ya know? Ya dig?

THREE YEARS LATER

STILL awkward…still alone…out of place… let me stop…

I mean somethings never change, and somethings I’ve grown to understand about myself: My introverted nature…my awkward, “Hugh Grant-esque” charm (👀)…and my comfort with being alone. One thing I know that has changed is the idea… no…the REALIZATION of me being loved. Don’t get me wrong! I still have my moments, but I now know better than to hold onto the doubts that prevent me from believing that I am loved, whether it by my family, friends or my Source.

I’m currently reading this book by Erwin Raphael McManus called Soul Cravings that interestingly enough I started 6/14/13 (a little over 3 years ago and a little bit after a serious break-up and series of betrayals that have kind of shaped who I’m am today in different ways.) In the book, McManus addresses three things in life that everyone seems to crave: Intimacy, Destiny & Meaning.

And OF COURSE Intimacy was the first section. Fresh up off of a break up, ain’t nobody tryna read about how they crave intimacy and love!! I was still pissed! Needless to say (but imma say it anyway) I stopped reading it maybe 3 days after I started. At that time, I simply wasn’t ready.

I was still caught up in my anger and bitterness. I can admit: I let those feelings fester in certain ways for a good portion of those 3 years, making it difficult for me to date, connect with new people…sheeeeeiitt even connecting with the current people was hard! It’s probably not as bad as I’m making it out to be, but it was worse than it should have been.

As of late, that desire for true intimacy and love and community has started to return, which is why I started reading Soul Cravings again. With all these things intersecting three years later, I KNOW that my Source is saying “Intimacy, destiny and meaning are yours…gon’ and get ‘em!” In my current situations and study, I’m seeing love manifest itself in different ways.

One of my favorite passage of scripture is the universally lauded 1 Corinthians 13 (The Love Passage). The 7th version has really been sticking out to me lately: “Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.”

Love is not only teaching me to hold to my faith but it also is helping me remain proactive and productive! In my own endeavors…at work…In my relationship with myself and with others. It’s helping me do away with the “what’s the use …” mentality that occasionally creeps up in me. It all a process, but I am definitely seeing Love’s transformative power. And the walls that I’ve built up round with the huge signs that say “I don’t need love and don’t deserve love” are starting to crumble.

Something that has stuck with me indelibly from McManus’ Soul Cravings is that

“To give up on love is to choose a life less than human. To give up on love is to give up on life.”

And I’m am definitely human. Intimacy terrifies me but I know my soul craves it.

My introverted natural STILL holds to Horacio Jones’ idea that someone’s “presence must feel better than my solitude.” however, I’m gonna be more open to the idea that the presence of another possibly could.

I find it difficult to describe my relationship with violence and my innate nature. On one hand, I can say that my nature is a relatively nonviolent one. It takes a lot to light that flame of anger that causes me to react, however, I can say once THAT flame is lit, it’s no easy task to put the fire out. That wasn’t so when I was a kid. Even a spark would make me react, but you live you learn and you grow up.

But also as I’ve grown up I’ve encountered a lot more mess that I feel like actually warrants anger and CALCULATED action, yet the reaction is slow. There have been many instances where wrong has be done to me, my family or friends. I could have caused some damage…could have raised complete hell (and envisioned it too) , but nothing. Is it fear? Is it the Creator constantly saying “not today, Brandon…”…I don’t know…

This year alone, there have been more than 100 cases of black people being MURDERED by “law enforcers”…people who have seen injustice face to face and have not lived to tell the story of “how they got over”. Whose lives were stolen from them just for the simple fact that they were unlike those that oppressed them. YES THAT is the reason. And this is happening at an ALARMING rate. Yes, this is STILL alarming to me. As much as I know that this is a tragic reality that my people face, it still disheartens me. It STILL makes me feel a myriad of emotions…sadness, brokenness, anxiety, anger, and even fear!

And then to have to go to sleep (or attempt to!!) knowing that MORE people were being gunned down as retaliation at a PEACEFUL PROTEST RALLY?!?!? Like something from a movie or a television show…but it was all so real.

As a child, my parents my family…my tribe always made things clear and did a great job of educating me on the way the world works. But still in my innocent, idealistic head I never fathomed that I would live in a time such as this. My mind, in being aware of the evil in the world, would still try to find the beauty… Still tried to see that the world was my oyster and the sky was the limit…just like “everybody else”……but as you get older it just seems to get harder and harder to believe that this is how “everybody else” wants it to be…and the idea of letting that flame run wild seems like one that is harder to suppress…

Last night as everything just played in my head over and over, it seemed as though ever beautiful black face that my gaze has ever met flashed though my head and emotion welled up and just wouldn’t subside. The face of my father, my mother, my sister, my brother, my dearest friends, the lady at the market, the fellow at the bus stop. Etc…. Sleep seemed like an impossible thing…

So Last night, I prayed…

…like seriously prayed for the first time in a long while. I asked every question to the Creator that It seemed for so long I had been asking the wind…

And I felt these simple words in my heart: “don’t fear…don’t let them see your fear…live and love like you dreamt as a child…like you long to do now…” Or something along those lines…a little sense of peace came over me and I was able to sleep.

It seems weird…seems passive but my idea of living ain’t passive. Living and loving includes purpose, and with that purpose, it is my duty to help to change the world ANY WAY and with EVERYTHING that has been gifted to me.

Like I’ve stated before, I feel broken, at times powerless. HELL YEAH I’M ANGRY…and unfortunately fear is in the equation.

But I REFUSE to let any fear…any ignorance…any injustice…any EVIL to prevent me from living the life I was created to live. It’s taken me a LONG time to get to the place (mental, spiritual, physical…etc) that I am now and I won’t allow ANY of this to keep me from moving higher…can y'all promise me that y'all will do the same?