Complicated - The Chaos

I always thought you'd never be mine but you were always mine, 

it was I who could never be yours

This unrequited love fits us just the same

 the passion

the undying flame

while my life moves on

yours stands still

with what ifs, and whys

saturated with regret

Love was never the problem  

figuring out was it

Confusion, drugs, lust, fear,

driving a wedge

between something so fluid

so clear

I wanted so bad to have you that I withstood so much,

 but in the end it left me aching,

filled with so much mistrust

I wanted to believe you

I didn't want to leave you

but hate tainted too much

 Of this love it’s stained with blackness that I can't wash clean

I'm sorry I've been so mean,

but it was coping mechanism for all the tragic endings

we've had in the past

You were my end all to be all love affair and I realize now that you being gone wasn't fair

though I will never find a love like ours

I always thought I was the one

who couldn't let go

but it was you all along

I'd remember your birthday,

And Favorite color,

Which movies made you cry,

What you like on your pizza,

Your mother would of loved me,

So would your brother,

I'd have been your greatest love,

But you didn't give me a chance,

Instead you took the fast route,

To pull it out your pants,

Silly girl,

To think someone so fluid could be contained,

There's a reason you've reached your age unchained,

How ironic, we were so plutonic,

I wouldn't have crossed that line if you hadn't lead me,

I've been broken and battered from former battles,

That I thought this Trojan horse was masked as a peace offering,

I hadn't won the war,

I was just looking for a place to rest,

Stupid girl,

I bare my breast,

Wrapped my body in your sex,

Even though the trigger warnings came,

I chose to ignore,

My body wouldn't relax for you,

because my mind was sending a message to my heart,

This isn't real,

He's not your counterpart,

Well here's to another shameful moment,

Where I shared my body thinking it'd end up more than a "good time",

Trying to stay warm when everything drives me to become ice cold,

How cruel to be a sweet girl,

In this fucked up world,

Clench your pearls,

Hold out for the best,

Because the man who knocks on your door at 10pm

It's funny as I sit here in my childhood bedroom,

I think about how young and naive as I was,

And then I realize I still am,

Thinking that any boy would want to know my body before my soul,

Would be able to love me,

In the magnitude I deserve,

The little girl might have grown fuller,

With dips, hips and curves for days,

But the one thing that hasn't changed,

Is her want for love,

Her need for connection,

That little voice that craves affection,

Sex is a deception,

It's not fueled by the heart,

Time to pull out that antenna hunny,

To get some reception,

Actions speak louder than his words,

His lips have grown fond of lies,

As his dick has gone hard with deceit,

Crushing those young girl dreams with every thrust,

Until he spontaneously combusts,

Serving you no longer,

His intention etched in the sheets,

While you sit there soiled and weak,

Clueless in what to do next,

You clench the comforter to your chest,

Rolling over till the morning comes,

Attempting to share some candid words,

Even though his scent still lingers on your skin,

He says goodbye,

Shakes your hand in negotiation,

Even though the night before he was so eager for your lips,

Now they are just landlocked ships,

Left astray after the storm,

Confusion fully set it,

You try to return to normal life again,

Looking for a way to stay open for the right one,

How sad my flower didn't blossom for you?

You never watered, warmed, shined, or nutured it,

Oh my when it blooms,

It's a wondrous sight,

The water flows from the stems,

The nectar tastes so sweet,

But like anything,

It takes time,

Don't you want to feel me soak my roots in your grounds,

Feel my leaves in your wind,

But alas,

You kept me in a pot,

And left me out in the cold,

So I've withered,

And lost my color,

One day when spring comes again,

The weather will be kinder,

And I'll sprout again,

A little smaller than before,

It still hurts to read those words you said to me years ago,

"It's not you it's me"

After a thousand endings you think it wouldn't still hurt to my core,

You broke me,

Then you come back once I pieced myself together,

Take piece by piece of me,

Like a game of Jenga,

Until my tower would fall again,

Then you'd say sorry,

I'm a mess,

I'd sit in the destruction you caused trying to figure out if I could make myself fit again,

But every time I rebuilt that tower another piece would go missing,

A little less steady then before,

But still standing,

I won't let you back this time,

This tower has fallen enough,

Time to stand tall,

You will no longer make me feel small,

Your words mean nothing to me,

Even though this letter hurts as bad as the first I read it,

Your actions have made it easier to cut the cord,

Now you are nothing to me,

I don't take this love for-granted because  it doesn't exist anymore,

You are just a bad memory,

Of a time when I had trouble loving myself,

A mistake,

A lesson well learned,

Etched and burned on my heart,

I'm gone.

I forgive you for the lies you told,

I forgive you for drugs you bought and the ones you sold,

I forgive you for the love I never received,

I forgive you for all the times you leave,

I forgive you for the bad birthdays, lonely holidays, and the forgotten anniversaries,

I forgive you for the fights, late nights, and early mornings,

I forgive you for your toxic friends,

I forgive you for every girl who was “just a friend”,

I forgive you for  all the girls you ever left me for,

I forgive you for the ones to come,

I forgive you for me not being the one,

I forgive you for every missed call, text, or message,

I forgive you all the words of hate,

I forgive you for not being able to give enough,

I forgive you for making me feel like I am not enough,

I forgive you for breaking me down,

I forgive you for making it harder for me to trust,

I forgive you for all your denials, and unneeded lust,

I forgive you for the nights I cried laying by your side while you wouldn’t console me,

I forgive you for the things you said behind my back,

I forgive you for the out lashes,

I forgive you for ghosting me for months at a time,

I forgive you for choosing them over me,

I forgive you for forgetting my favorite things,

I forgive you for body shaming me,

I forgive you for not holding me, touching me, loving me,

I forgive you for keeping that piece of my heart,

Don’t take my forgiveness for granted,

For I forgive you not because I need you,

It is because I need myself back,

I forgive you,

Because I went so long not forgiving me,

Time to let the pain subside,

I am not your dirty secret and you are no longer my cross to bear,