𝒃𝒆 𝒊𝒏𝒕𝒆𝒓𝒕𝒘𝒊𝒏𝒆𝒅

Ep 1

It's really unpredictable, the way that he changed into stranger, into someone that I never knew before. I am really dissapointed by this. But again, I can't even make him come back to me. Stupid choice if I ask him to return, cause he was the person who wants to stop everything, also this relationship. But his reason never make sense in my mind. He said, "I'm not capable to maintain this good relationship". That's really blaming me to give him the greatest relationship ever. Then why.. Why he never be thankful for that.

I never knew that someone could change so much less than a week. The things he said before this things happened, are too sweet until I never thought my intuition is real. After 8 months knowing each other and almost 6 months being together, he asked to end this relationship and said he wasn't ready to maintain this good relationship, but he kept looking for someone else on another app. Okay, here's the climax, where I am so mad at him until cursing him a lot on text. It's too annoying to text btw, I know, but all my calls through all app I used with him, are rejected. He even blocked me. What a shame.

Again, relationship it's not about ready or not. It's about you want to fight together or not. And he chose to give up before the war. Which makes him looks like coward.

When I am writing this, the sun outside there is so warm. A lot of people around me. They're with their partner, friends, families, so much smile that they gave to each other. I was like that. Glad if they can still enjoy the life under the sunshine.

I am also watching a Youtube like art vlog. I am as an artist feel the same when painting, there's emotion that we can't talk with our mouth, or it's not enough to show with our eyes by crying, or not fair to keep it in our heart. So, painting is the solution, even though in the process always feel painful too because it's not easy. I used to expecting something when painting, so when it's out of what I imagined, the more frustated I feel.

These days, I was to focus to prepare things. I had deutsch course, work, focus to family, to pay the bills, and others. I was feeling those things I did were too much. I even had to sacrifice more than I could. But people gonna say, "God will never give problems out of your ability to hold it, to solve it". For me, it became more testing me, more annoying, more painful. What an awesome pain.

I was wishing if I could have four brains, eight hands, and maybe 4 mouths too. I was wishing I am heartless and always ignore things around me who distracting me and never care about me. Sometimes I ask to myself, why I do care about those human when they never even care about me.

Yeah, this kind of thought leads me to the dark room again. The room where I feel I am the only human that can choose to stay or to leave. Depends.

I want to say, how much I hate this room, how much I want to escape but I never feel there's any hand gonna help me, gonna pull me out. Things getting more pushing me to that darkness, hugged by the feelings of unrecognized by the surroundings.

I feel I live with the hardest way to breath, even my bones feel the hurt. Continously.

I don't know how to stop, I don't know how to run away from this.

I'm tired to get validation if there's any human love me or care about me.

I'm the human who even never want to be exist in this verse.

Kini aku hanya berdiam sendiri di sebuah ruangan yang entah berantah, gelap dan terkadang aku merasa takut. Keheningan itu seakan memelukku erat hingga tak bisa bernafas dengan baik, memecah setiap rencana yang pernah ku buat dengan positif. Aku kini terjebak lagi dalam rangkaian tragedi masa lalu, yang seharusnya tidak pernah aku rasakan lagi atau diungkit lagi.

Dingin atau panasnya udara sudah bukan lagi sesuatu yang dapat aku takutkan, karena itu hanya sesuatu yang lewat. Aku ingin semua memori buruk itu berlalu seperti udara yang tidak jelas itu. Bahkan aku ingin semuanya terhapus, bagai mengganti sebuah rumah, tinggal di tempat baru.

For almost 5 years, I tried to find someone, a man that could be the great partner for me, to talk with, to support each other when we have ambition to reach the goals, someone that could give a warm hug in 30 minutes to boost our energy, someone that can makes me feel I’m worth to feel loved, someone who can always be there.

After a lot of meetings with so many type of men, finally I met someone, finally I knew the name that I can mention in every prayer that I did to God. It’s him from Stade, German. His kindness, his thought, his minds, his attitude, completely like what I always ask to God before I knew him. It feels like finally God gives me His answer.

1 month feels like a year. “Good morning, Guten Tag, also Good Night and Have a sleep well”, I received them all from him. For the first time, after 5 years, there’s someone who fill the empty space in me. I really feel he could be the man that I really want to be my husband, to be the person that build family with me. A great partner.

And to make those dreams come true, I prayed so hard, to God. I really mentioned his name every hour with another dua. I really really feel that he’s the man that I’ve been searching for a long time. And for the first time, I cried. I cried really a lot and so loud. Because, for the first time, I met a man, that really respecting woman, that really humble, and care about every little thing that I like. He knows that I love sweets, I love to see about his country, until he always capture every sweets foods also capture the view of his city and while he on train to the office. I really fall in to his messages in this 1 month.

And also often say good morning and good night. We really don't have a gap in 2 months to not texting. You know, this is something that built a feelings in me. I feel comfortable and he really different than other men, he really respect me as a woman. That's very rare.

Until I prayed harder to God, every sujood I would mention his name and asking God's permission to let me love one of his human. I really pray until I cried a lot. This is my first time praying for a man because I'm sure he's the right man to be my partner of life.

After a lot of praying. Suddenly he said that he gotta go to a place, to meet a girl, maybe it could be an engagement. My heart feel burned. But, I knew about this. He said again, he'll follow the flow, because he's not sure again to that girl but still gonna fly to her country.

And suddenly too, I feel bad. Really bad. Because.. I'm afraid if I'm the one who made them be in bad situation because of all my prayers. I cried so hard because I feel restless and sad and confused if it's really because of my prayers, because I'm too impatient. I don't wanna be someone's nightmare..

I said sorry to him with terrible voice, cause I cried too much at that time. And he just said, "Don't worry and it's really I felt that she's not sure again". And.. yeah.. I still feel bad even he tried a lot to made me understand that's not my fault. And.. at that time too, for the first time he gave me hug emoji.

I told him how unclear our relationship is. On that bed, we talked a lot like heart to heart. But we definetly don't have the same feelings so I can say that we talked just being honest to each other.

I told him, that I have another chance with another man, I said that man offering me so much things that I need like how he care about me, give so much attention, and etc.

After that he said, "it's okay, good for you to have that now. I don't feel hurt, it's okay"

But, after that, we sleep with hugged each other.. we kissed, I think the intimacy more growing. I don't know why he changed so fast.

But again, I feel sorry for him cause I can't do this anymore cause I don't feel I'm liking him like yesterday, such torturing when I waited for him for a long time

I always dreaming to have someone out from this country, abroad. But, I never expected that I will get to know this guy. Let us call him Butterfly 2.

We knew each other since January 2022 through a platform that connect us with people abroad. No need to swipe right of left, you can immediately chat with the person you want. And I texted him first. I feel he would be the good guy that I imagined.

We started it with a good mood, a good conversation. There's a lot of things that we talked, from personal life to career, until about ourselves. Well, I never thought we could end up chat through Telegram until now June 2022.

He ever slightly gave me a spark like "if we're near, maybe I would like to date you". I just keep replying "then come to my country", but there's no answer about that. We keep talking about another topic. He's the mysterious scorpio who has the same birth month with mine, October. But I'm libra.

After a lot of things that we talked, we discussed, I see him as a person really kind and never let me feel sad or stressed alone. He is so fast on responding my chat eventhough he has a lot of tasks at his office. He would did selfie to me just to show me what he's doing thay day.

I feel grateful having him. But a little bit tired because it feels like Long Distance Relationship nevertheless I don't know what kind of relationship that we had.

But he really support me, he never let me drowning in my negative minds. But again, the more I wanting him, the more it might hurt or the more he might leave.