Stuck.

I constantly live with the urge to s3lf h4rm, and thoughts of su!c!d3. It's been this way for years. Literally the one thing that stops me is the fear of someone finding out about the SH, and the fear of what su!c!de would do to my siblings. But something came up recently and I'm just getting overwhelmed to the point that the constant intrusive thoughts of me SH-ing in so many different ways is affecting me and I'm really struggling to not do it.

Some tips from the inside, in case they help:

- life has always been pointless. Or rather, we have always been unable to control the relative point-fulness of life. The factors involved in opening the possibilities of who can have a large scale impact where are so insanely complex that they can at best only be pieced together imperfectly in retrospect

- the only thing that has changed is your awareness of this fact. No, seriously. The sun will eventually swallow the planet; at any moment without our knowledge or control the sun could flare in weird ways that will kill us all; etc. There was geopolitical and socioeconomic fuckery as bad or worse going on before: you just didn’t see it. Promise.

- you do what you can with what you have. You do what’s in front of you. Humanity has survived all of this before; it may survive it again. It may not. You can only do what you can: take what lessons exist from the past and apply them.

- sometimes it is just that bad and they are totally out to get you. The question is, what do you do about it?

- almost without exception in human history the answer has been “build community; support the one you have; reach out to connect MORE and to make the world more kind and less hateful than before.”

- recognize you’re trying to tackle god-level problems with a brain originally meant for keeping small proto-fish from being eaten. Treat that part of your brain like a very anxious toddler or rescue pitbull. Give it small measurable victories and successes even if you have to make them up. Make sure it’s fed and watered and has enough rest. Medicate it if you have to - there’s nothing wrong with that. The opposite, in fact.

My ace ass: 

My bi ass:

my pan ass:

My lesbian ass:

My gay ass:

My trans ass: